


When We Were Young and Innocent

by TragicLove, xhorizen



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Drug Addiction, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-06-26 15:42:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 105,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15666228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TragicLove/pseuds/TragicLove, https://archiveofourown.org/users/xhorizen/pseuds/xhorizen
Summary: Zac returns to Tulsa after being away at college, but not everyone is happy to have him back.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter is split into two parts, the first from Zac's POV, the second from Taylor's.
> 
>  
> 
> Trigger warning: there is pretty heavy drug addiction detailed in this fic.
> 
>  
> 
> Comments make our hearts grow stronger! <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)

There were boxes everywhere. Every time you turned around, a box to trip on was readily available. Zac didn’t understand how one person could accumulate so much shit in four years, but his roommate, Piper, had somehow managed to gather so many things in their four years at Georgetown University that she had boxes and bags scattered throughout their two bedroom apartment, taking up almost all of the walking space. 

On his way from the bathroom to his bedroom, Zac stubbed his toe on a particularly heavy box and let out a shriek, a couple of curse words, and Piper’s name in rapid succession. She poked her head around the door jamb, her eyes opened wide. 

“What are you yelling about?”

“I can’t live like this,” Zac swept his arm across the room. “I’m going to trip and die. Your overwhelming amount of shit is becoming a health hazard.”

“One more day, Zaccy boy, and you won’t be living like this,” Piper shrugged. “You’ll miss me when all of my shit isn’t surrounding you anymore.” 

“Can’t confirm or deny,” Zac felt a grin spreading across his face. “I know I won’t miss walking into things.”

Zac had met Piper in Intro to US History on the first day of their freshman year at Georgetown. He’d run into her, _literally_ , rounding the corner into the lecture hall, knocking her notebooks out of her arms and sending them flying. Instead of being annoyed, she’d laughed, bent down and helped Zac gather them up, and then asked him if he always moved as if his ass were on fire. 

They’d sat together at the front of the lecture hall that day, and every day for the rest of the semester. They’d had two other classes together that semester, both American History majors, and they’d become nearly inseparable by the time December rolled around and classes were on break. 

Zac had left Tulsa, fully decided to not make friends, not get close to anyone, just get his degree and let it propel him into a new world away from home and all of the things he’d left there. But, he was helpless against the pull that Piper and her personality had on him. Many times, he’d referred to her as the female version of himself, and he knew they’d collided into each other that day for a reason. 

By the time their second semester was finished, they’d taken their mutual disdain for student housing as a sign, and found the cute little two bedroom apartment in a quaint brick walkup in Georgetown, spending the next three and a half years there together. Most people assumed they were a couple, but nothing could be further from the truth. Piper was determined not to be “locked down to a man,” as she called it, until she was firmly settled in life on her own, and Zac? Well, Zac was gay. 

The few friends he’d made there outside of Piper didn’t know - no one else really did. It was never something Zac felt like he needed to, or wanted to announce. He’d spent some time nonchalantly shrugging off advances from women and misguided attempts at matchmaking, and the truth was, he just wasn’t ready for any kind of relationship, casual or otherwise, and he wasn’t sure if he really ever would be. 

 

He’d dug his heels in the ground in Georgetown, shaking away the times when all he wanted was to get on a plane and go home, be surrounded by familiar faces, bask in the familiar. Zac always hated new things, preferring the stability of what he knew, but he had to get out of there and put the distance between them, it was best for the both of them. What was best for _him_ had always been what kept Zac away, kept his feet planted on the ground in Washington, DC. He never really thought much about what was best for _Zac_ or his own mental health, everything he’d done, all of the empty space he’d moved across was always for someone else. 

Now, it was all coming to an end. Piper was moving back to Manhattan, she’d been offered a job before their last semester even started. She’d be living in the big city, making a name for herself as the youngest female historian New York had ever seen. Meanwhile, Zac couldn’t find even an entry-level job at a museum to take him on, he was running out of money fast, and he had nowhere to go. He couldn’t afford the apartment without Piper and living with a stranger sounded like a good way to get yourself killed, so he’d called his parents three weeks ago, asking them if he could come home.

Of course, they’d said yes. They had never been thrilled at the idea of Zac moving away from home, preferring to keep their large family together in the place they’d called home. Zac was the first, and only, to leave, and he knew that they were relieved he’d be back soon. 

Relieved isn’t exactly a word Zac would have used to describe his feelings. Anxious, maybe. Conflicted, sure. Dreading? Absolutely. 

It wasn’t that Zac hated Tulsa or the people in it that he was close to. He missed his parents, he missed waking up on Sunday mornings to a house smelling of freshly cooked breakfast, hearing his younger siblings laughing and playing downstairs. He missed the quaintness of his hometown, the way that even though it was a major city, it felt like a small town where everyone knew everyone. He just wasn’t sure if he was ready to go back. Ready to admit that he thought he’d be leaving Tulsa, going through Georgetown and coming out at the end with a great job, a great life, and he’d never look back, but he was wrong. He knew that being an American History major wasn’t exactly putting him in a position where people would be begging him to take their jobs, but he didn’t know he quite literally wouldn’t be able to find even somewhere willing to take him on for minimum wage, especially in Washington, DC. He hated feeling like a failure, not for the first time, he hated the thought of what his parents must think of him. 

“You okay?” Piper’s voice shook him from his thoughts and he smiled.

“Just thinking about how much I’ll miss your disasters,” he shrugged. “I can’t believe it’s over.”

“It feels like we just moved into this place last month, doesn’t it?” Piper grinned, walking over to the couch and dropping down onto it. They’d never sit on that couch together again.

“Sometimes,” Zac nodded, sitting down next to her. “How will I ever live without you?”

“It’ll be hard, but I know you can push through,” Piper smiled, nudging him with her shoulder. “We’ll visit each other. It’s not like we’re never going to see each other again.”

“I know,” Zac nodded as his phone went off in his pocket. “You’re just all I’ve had, really. It’s going to be different.”

“Don’t get mushy on me now, Zac,” Piper laughed as he pulled his phone out, swiping it open.

He felt his face fall and he vaguely heard Piper ask him what was wrong, but he just shook his head. The words on the screen, a text from his mom, were blurring from him staring at them too long and too hard. He _knew_ he wasn’t ready for this.

_Can’t make it to the airport, honey, have a last minute appointment. Taylor will be there to pick you up. See you soon! xo_

“What is it? Is your flight tomorrow canceled or something?” Piper glanced over Zac’s shoulder and then breathed out an ‘oh,’ putting her hand on his knee and squeezing a little. 

“Maybe he’s changed,” she shrugged, smiling at Zac hopefully. 

“Doubt it.”

“You don’t know, things could be totally different for him now. Maybe he realized that it isn’t cute to be a raging homophobe and he’s a nice person now.”

Zac could hear that Piper didn’t believe what she was saying. He definitely didn’t believe what she was saying. There was more to what was wrong with Taylor than his homophobia, but Zac didn’t think that four short years were enough to erase that little detail. 

“I don’t know why he’d come pick me up,” Zac shook his head. “He hates me.”

“No one could ever hate you,” Piper rolled her eyes. “I’m sure he’s over it, he’s your brother.”

“I haven’t spoken to him in over four years, if he’s over it, he hasn’t given me any indication.”

“It’ll be fine, and if it’s not,” Piper raised an eyebrow, a grin playing on her lips. “I’ll just have to fly to Tulsa and kick his ass.” 

“I’ll hold you to that,” Zac laughed, standing up. “I better finish packing.”

“You haven’t finished packing? You only own like, two things,” Piper stood up with him, motioning around at all the boxes. “I’ve done all this.” 

“You know me, master procrastinator.”

Zac walked to his room, sidestepping boxes, and shut the door behind him. He hadn’t spoken to Taylor since the day he’d left Tulsa, before that if you don’t count a few mumbled hi and byes as talking. 

Taylor had always been his best friend. His rock, really. They’d grown up side by side, two peas in a pod, there was no one closer to Zac or who knew him better. Naturally, once Zac had come to terms with the fact that there was something different about him, something unlike his brothers and his other friends, he’d chosen Taylor to be the person he went to with it. Taylor, his best friend, would know what to say, he’d know how to help Zac deal with it. 

Except that he hadn’t. 

The second the words, ‘I’m gay,’ left Zac’s lips that day in the backyard of their parents home, Taylor’s face contorted, turning into something Zac had never seen before. His blue eyes clouded over and his mouth formed something between a scowl and a grimace. 

“That’s disgusting,” he’d shaken his head. 

“What? I-“ Zac took a step towards him, causing him to recoil visibly. 

“No,” he’d said, holding a hand in front of him. “You’re not-“

“I am,” Zac took another step towards Taylor, making him take a step back. 

“You can’t-“ Taylor’s head was shaking continuously now. “It’s wrong, it’s filthy.”

“I’m still me,” Zac was shaking his head now, too, tears stinging at the backs of his eyes. This wasn’t what he was expecting. 

“No,” Taylor took another step back. “I don’t know you. Not anymore.”

“What? Tay-“

“No!” Taylor slammed his arms down at his sides. “I don’t know you, you’re not- you’re not my-“ he shook his head again. “You’re not anything to me.” 

Taylor spun on his heel and sprinted away from Zac, out of the yard. Zac had heard his car start up and drive away, and he hadn’t really spoken to him since. 

When Zac thought about his life with Taylor, there were so many memories there, so many times they’d spent with one another, secrets shared. Taylor knew Zac better than anyone else, and until that day, Zac had thought he’d known Taylor just the same. In the few times after that day that they’d been forced into the same place, Taylor had barely looked at him, his eyes never meeting Zac’s own, a wide distance kept between them. If anyone had noticed, they’d never brought it up, and to this day, he wasn’t sure that anyone around them knew that things were different. 

Zac laid back on his bed, deciding he could finish packing what little he was bringing with him in a few hours... He was going to need a good back stock of rest for this, and, after all, he was never opposed to any reason to wait till later to do something he should do now. 

 

The airport was nearly empty, only a handful of other travelers milling around, buying overpriced coffees and candy bars to get them through their flights. Zac found himself wondering if the quiet was an omen about what he was getting ready to fly towards. 

As he made it through security, he wondered if Taylor had changed a lot. When Zac looked in the mirror he could see that he was different. Broader, older. His hair was darker and shaggier, his face more filled out and mature. But, whenever he pictured Taylor, he saw the same person he’d last seen, as if no time had gone by in his world. As if Zac leaving had made time in Tulsa stand still. 

The thought of being near Taylor flooded him with anxiety. He’d made it quite clear to Zac how he felt about him, and if the four years of nothing from Taylor were any indication, that was one thing Zac could count on having not changed. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act. Should he run up and hug his brother? Tell him that it had been too long, and he’d missed him? Probably not. Complete and utter indifference? Maybe. The last thing Zac wanted to do was show Taylor that the lack of him hurt. And most times it didn’t, but right then? Knowing that in a few short hours he’d be face to face with the brother who’d turned him away? Right then, hurt was a good word to explain his feelings. 

 

Zac had never been on an airplane that was so empty. He had not only a window seat, but the entire three seats to himself. He could stretch out a little and force himself to relax with his headphones over his ears, the not so calming sounds of Led Zeppelin floating into them. 

It would be fine. He’d get off the plane, get his bag and find Taylor, and everything would be fine. 

_Except for that pesky part where he hates you_ , Zac thought to himself as his eyes drifted shut, thankful for his ability to sleep anytime, any place, despite the building dread forming inside of him. 

 

 

———

 

 

Taylor Hanson hated his life. He wasn’t being overdramatic or just trying to get attention; he literally just hated his life and everything about it. Most days, he spent wondering why he even woke up in the morning, honestly, because being awake only seemed to make his days drag by as slowly and miserably as possible. If he had it his way, he would just sleep the rest of his life away, but unfortunately, he lived with his parents and his mother always seemed to have this stupid, happy, cheerful mood that she insisted on sharing with everyone she made contact with. On the days Taylor was still asleep at noon, Diana would finally barge into his room and rip his sheets off of the top of him, demanding he get up and do something with the rest of his day. He wished he would just tell her to fuck off, but she was the only reason he still had a roof over his head, so he tried not to push his luck with her too much. If his dad were in charge of the decision, he would have been kicked out the second he and his little brother, Zac, had had the fight that had changed everything a few years back. 

Dead end job after dead end job made Taylor’s life have some kind of meaning, if you could call it that, and the slew of meaningless relationships he always seemed to be in should have made him feel better about himself, even if only a little, right? But nothing really did. Nothing at all… except for the pills. He denied it to everyone, hell, he even denied it to himself most of the time, but he knew he had a problem when it came to his dependency on oxycodone. He had been 20 years old, the year Zac left for college, and he had done some stupid stunt while drunk, trying to impress a girl or maybe his friends, he didn’t really remember anymore, and he had ended up breaking his leg so bad that he had needed surgery in order to fix it. He was put on some pretty heavy painkillers, Percocet and Oxycontin mostly, and the rest was history. No one really monitored the amount of pills he took at any given time, and once his leg was healed, he was addicted to the pills. He kept refilling the prescriptions, and that worked for a few months, until his doctor started to question him as to the level of pain he still seemed to be experiencing, if his refills were any indication, and Taylor had had to switch doctors quick. It took a little while, but he had a pretty good routine down, hopping from doctor to doctor, and eventually finding himself a street dealer, in order to keep up his supply of drugs. As far as he could tell, no one in his life knew a thing about his addiction, and he planned on keeping it that way.

Getting fired from jobs was almost a career path for him, at the rate he lost them, and he had become so numb to the process that getting fired from his fifth job in two months really didn’t faze him at all. He had seen the writing on the wall long before it happened. He was the new guy, and then the gas station was sold to a chain, and the chain wanted people that were more… People friendly? Something Taylor definitely was not, so when he walked into work that night and was told his services were no longer needed, he didn’t even do his normal freak out and storm off routine. He just sighed and left, heading back home, feeling like more of a loser than he had felt in a while. 

His mood was ruined even more the next morning when the sheets were ripped off of his body long before he felt ready to get up, with his mother telling him that Zac was coming back home from college to live with them and his plane was getting in that night. He started freaking out almost immediately to the point that he almost missed the fact that he was going to be the one to pick his brother up from the airport. He wanted to protest, but Diana was out the door before he could get a word out.

Zac was coming home? The last time they had spoken, he had told Taylor that he was gay and it hadn’t gone over well at all. They had been raised to believe that homosexuality was a sin, for fuck sake, and then Zac turned out to be gay? Taylor could hear their last conversation like it was yesterday, and a small part of him hated how things had ended, but Zac was to blame. Everything had been just fine and perfect until he had to make that decision. He was the one who ruined their brotherly bond, ruined their camaraderie, ruined their relationship. What right did he have to be coming back and ruining the life Taylor had built when he decided to be so selfish?

Taylor spent the rest of the day on pins and needles. Even taking a few more pills than normal hadn’t helped to take the edge off, and he had no clue what to do with himself. He wanted to run and hide. He wanted to pack up his car and never look back, but then what? He had no money saved up, most of the money he made at his jobs went back into supporting his little pill habit and putting gas into his car. He knew he was screwed and that inevitably he would have to go get his little brother, but he was still shocked when the time finally came. He was still high from the pills he had taken, but by that time, he had driven while high so many times that he was basically a pro. Hell, he drove better high than he did sober, so really, it was better that way. 

The drive to the airport felt like a death march. He contemplated driving off the side of the road a few times, and when a semi-truck pulled onto the highway in front of him, he pressed harder on the gas for a second, imagining how awesome it would be to die by semi, but then he let up in the pedal and sighed. Nothing was going to get him out of getting Zac from the airport. He followed the instructions his mother had texted to him and pulled up in front of the United Airlines doors, hoping beyond hope that Zac would never show up. He craned his neck every which way, not really even sure what his brother looked like anymore. He saw someone walk out of the doors carrying a duffle bag and a huge rolling suitcase, but he was way too tall, his hair too dark… his jaw dropped a little as the man turned to look at him. It was Zac. 

He just stared for a minute, but in his defense, so did his brother. After what felt like an hour, he finally shook himself out of his stupor and got out of the car, popping the trunk on his way. Zac walked over to the car, still staring at him, and he had no clue what he was supposed to do. Were they supposed to hug? Were they supposed to say hi? Were they supposed to scream at each other about how much they hated each other? Taylor bit his lip instead of making a decision, but finally reached out and took the duffle bag out of Zac’s hands before shoving it in the trunk. He made a move for the suitcase, but Zac jerked it out of his hand and put it into the trunk himself. Taylor snorted under his breath and rolled his eyes, so that’s how it was going to be? He got back into the driver’s seat and slammed the door next to him, throwing the car into drive before Zac had had a chance to get his seatbelt on. It was going to be a long drive and he was in no mood to make it any longer than it needed to be. He cranked the volume on the radio, some kind of rap song bursting through the speakers. As much as he hated rap, he wasn’t going to give in to the desire to change the station because if Zac was anything like he used to be, he also hated rap, and Taylor wanted to make him miserable.

The drive back to their house lasted approximately 12 years. Taylor swore he had witnessed at least three of those years flash by while waiting on a red light, but he took comfort in the fact that Zac seemed to have mutual feelings. When they finally got home, he groaned at the sight of his parents' cars both in the driveway. So they couldn’t pick Zac up from the airport an hour ago, but they could be home now? Typical bullshit.

Instead of trying to be helpful, Taylor just left Zac to bring his stuff in himself. He knew he’d just get another poor reaction from trying to help anyway, so what was the point? All he would be doing was showing Zac that he was weak, and while yes, he WAS weak, he didn’t need his little brother to know that. The front door opened right before he reached out to open it and Diana appeared, smiling wide. 

“You’re finally home!” She pushed past Taylor and ran out to the driveway, throwing her arms around her younger son. Taylor rolled his eyes and felt his stomach start to knot up. It had already started, his parents showing their favoritism. He felt a strong urge to throw up and turned around, making a mad dash for his room in the basement, ignoring all of his siblings cries of happiness as Zac walked in the door. He made it to the bathroom, but the feeling of sickness was gone. He sat on the lid of the toilet instead and pulled out a prescription bottle from behind the toilet tank, being only one of the many hiding places he had around the basement. He fished out two pills and crushed them up on the counter before snorting them really quickly. He knew he would need them in order to get through the rest of the night. 

“Tay?” A soft voice sounded from the other side of the bathroom door and he jumped, unaware anyone had joined him downstairs, let alone that someone being Zac. 

“What do you want?” He growled after regaining his composure. He opened the door and pushed past his little brother, not caring if he had hurt him. He flopped down on the couch and took a second with his eyes closed before opening them to look at the other man. 

The other man who was standing there with his bags next to him. Oh, hell no. Hell to the fucking no.

“What exactly do you think you’re doing down here with those?” He narrowed his eyes on the bags and shook his head. “You’re not staying down here, so don’t even think about it.” Zac frowned and he could have sworn he saw something akin to hurt flash across his face.

“It’s not by choice, asshole, mom said she would work on getting her craft room cleaned up for me, but for right now, it’s either sleeping on the floor in that room or sleeping on the pull out sofa down here.” Taylor glared at nothing in particular, hating the situation even more than he thought possible.

“Whatever. Don’t come into my room, don’t touch my shit, don’t eat my food, and for the love of god, don’t fucking talk to me unless it’s an emergency, got it?” He got up without waiting for a response and stomped into his room, slamming the door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some heavy homophobic language in this chapter.
> 
> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)

The walls shook with how fiercely Taylor slammed his bedroom door shut and Zac felt his eyes roll into the back of his head all of their own volition. The voice in his head was musing on how Taylor’s drama queen ways sure hadn’t changed during the time he’d been away, and he found himself grinning through his annoyance. Taylor had a way of bringing things out in Zac that wouldn’t otherwise come out, bemused irritation being one of them. 

Zac had always been the more level headed of the two of them, even though most people thought it was the other way around. Taylor used to wait until no one else was looking before he’d let his mouth run or his temper get the best of him, but once he got going, he could put Zac to shame. He could hold on to something that had set him off for hours before finally being in a place where he felt comfortable unleashing his wrath, and once he unleashed, it was all downhill from there. Even with Taylor’s obvious disdain for having Zac around, it was comforting to know that not too much had changed since Zac had been away. 

There was something different about him, though. He seemed to move slower, almost sluggish. His eyes were tinged, just slightly off white. He seemed almost adverse to direct eye contact, although Zac was pretty sure that had a lot to do with the fact that Taylor would probably rather rip his eyeballs out than set them on him. It was unsettling, nonetheless, knowing that his brother had always taken eye contact very seriously, almost to the point of overwhelming. He’d always had this way, when he was speaking to someone, of making them feel that not only were they the only person in the room, but in the universe, and nothing could be more important than what he was talking about with them, right then and there. Now, it seemed that he’d rather let his eyes fall literally anywhere but on another persons. 

 

Zac shrugged to himself, pushing his suitcase up against the wall and dropping his duffle bag in front of it. He could deal with Taylor’s psychosis sometime later, a shower was called for immediately, and after that nothing sounded better than curling up on the pullout sofa and shutting his eyes for the next eight to ten hours. 

He was squatted down in front of his duffle bag, ruffling through it for a fresh pair of boxers when Taylor’s voice caused him to jump out of his skin.

“Why are you here?”

“Excuse me?” Zac turned his head enough to look in Taylor’s direction, his hand still in his bag.

“You go deaf in Washington?” Taylor rolled his eyes. “ _Why_ are you here?”

Zac turned back to his bag, finally finding what he was looking for. He pulled the boxers out and zipped the bag up, pushing himself to his feet and turning to face Taylor.

“What the fuck is your problem, Taylor?”

“You being here, for one,” Taylor tilted his chin up, his eyes moving between Zac’s own and his chest repeatedly. 

“And for two?” 

“Just you being here, I guess,” Taylor shrugged. “You’re in my space, this is my space.”

“Well, it looks like you’re going to have to share for a little while, poor you.”

Taylor narrowed his eyes, slipping his hands into his jeans pockets. Zac could feel his eyes on him as he moved across the room towards the bathroom.

“What are you doing?”

“Taking a shower,” Zac stopped at the bathroom door and turned to face Taylor again.

“Down here?”

“Yeah?” Zac lifted his eyebrows. “Do you seriously have a problem with that, too?”

“I-“ Taylor opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before huffing and turning back towards his room. “Do whatever you want.”

“Okay, Tay,” Zac sing-songed as he opened the bathroom door and stepped inside. “Next time I want to clean myself I’ll be sure to check with you first.”

A slam of the door was Taylor’s answer. Seconds later Zac heard the radio turn on and then up to unthinkable volume. That wouldn’t last long, he could practically hear his mother calling down the stairs for Taylor to turn it down in his mind.

Zac took his time in the shower, spending most of it standing with his head bent forward, basking in the feeling of the hot water pouring down his neck and over his shoulders. The longer he stood there, the more he could feel his amused irritation morphing into just solid annoyance. Who did Taylor think he was, anyway? It’s not like this was _his_ house, it was their parents house, which made it just as much Zac’s as it could be considered Taylor’s. They’d both grown up between these walls and as far as Zac was concerned, Taylor didn’t have the right to boss him around. 

It dawned on him then that he knew nothing about Taylor’s life. Did he have a job? A girlfriend? Friends? Why was he still living with their parents and siblings, when their whole lives Taylor had made it known that the moment he could, he’d be out of there, forging his own life? Taylor was no better than him, and as he shut the water off, he made the decision that Taylor’s piss poor attitude was going to end, right then. 

Zac wrapped a towel around his waist and walked into the living area of the basement. The music was off now and it was quiet. He shook his head to release some of the water his hair was holding as he made his way over to Taylor’s bedroom door, expecting it to be locked, but the knob turned and the door pushed open.

Zac opened his mouth to let Taylor have it about the way he’d been behaving, but before he could get a word out he saw that Taylor was laying on his back, his arms underneath the back of his head, sleeping. His chest was rising and falling, tiny snores sounding around the room. 

Zac shook his head and pulled the door closed, tomorrow was another day. 

 

“Zac!”

Zac opened his eyes slowly, trailing them around the room. It took him a few seconds to realize where he was, but when his eyes landed on Taylor’s twisted up face, he remembered that he’d come back home. 

“Huh?” Zac pushed himself up on an elbow and moved his hair out of his face. He must have been tossing and turning, because the small blanket he’d used to sleep was tangled around his legs, most of his body on full display for his older brother.

“You can’t sleep like that,” Taylor crossed his arms, his eyes moved from Zac’s face to somewhere just above it. 

“What?”

“Naked-“ Taylor’s voice hitched as he said the word, one hand motioning towards Zac’s body on the couch.

“I’m not naked,” Zac grumbled, untwisting the blanket from around his legs and standing up off of the pullout sofa. 

“Might as well be,” Taylor said, his eyes moving up towards the ceiling. “You can’t sleep like that, not here.”

“You can’t tell me how to sleep, Taylor,” Zac sighed. “Are you seriously going to pick at me for every move I make? Living together is going to be miserable!”

“You got that right,” Taylor mumbled, walking towards the bathroom. 

“Seriously?” Zac followed behind him, putting his palm flat on the door before Taylor could open it. “You need to stop.”

“You need to put some clothes on,” Taylor retorted, turning to look at Zac. 

“What is your obsession?” Zac threw his arms out, shaking his head, his palm landing back on the bathroom door. “Honestly, Taylor, what is it? What's your fucking problem?”

“I told you already,” Taylor shouted, taking a step closer to Zac. He startled, the closeness throwing him off a little bit. Taylor had done a really good of making it clear he wanted to keep a wide berth in between them, and now he was standing so close that Zac could feel his breath on his face. The difference in his eyes was more magnified with his face being only a few inches from Zac’s, but he still couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was. “You. Are. My. Problem.”

Every word was punctuated, spat from his mouth, an undercurrent of hatred Zac couldn’t deny dripping from every one, as if he were talking to someone who’d done something terrible to him, an enemy and not his younger brother. 

“What have I ever done to you?” A pang of embarrassment struck Zac when he heard the sound of his voice, dejected and sad. He’d been going for strong and irritated, but failed. 

“I try not to spend too much time around _people like you_ ,” Zac wasn’t sure it was possible for Taylor to insert more venom into his voice than before, but he’d succeeded. 

“People like me?” Zac lifted his chin, his eyes squared with Taylor’s. “What does that mean?”

“You know what it means.”

“Gay people, you mean gay people.”

“That’s exactly what I mean,” Taylor nodded once, shrugging his shoulders as if daring Zac to try him on the subject. 

“You know what,” Zac shook his head and pushed his hand off of the door. “It’s not worth it. _You’re_ not worth it.”

He started walking towards the stairs, if Taylor didn’t want him around, he wouldn’t be around. He’d find somewhere else to stay, anywhere would be better than there. 

“I’m not the fag.”

Zac’s feet stopped moving, his hands balled into fists.

“What did you just say?” He turned slowly to face Taylor, who was wearing a look of victory laced with disgust on his face.

“You heard me.”

“Fuck you,” Zac shook his head. “I don’t know who you are anymore.”

“Well th-“

“Just shut up,” Zac spat, walking up the stairs. “Don’t talk to me.”

Zac couldn’t make out the words that Taylor mumbled at his retreating back, but he was sure they weren’t an apology, or anything worth hearing for that matter. 

Zac power walked up the stairs and across the kitchen to the door leading to the backyard. 

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Diana’s voice called at his back from her place at the sink.

“Nothing,” he turned the door knob, pulling the door open and stepping outside into the sunlight. He shut the door hard behind him, immediately wincing at the force with which he’d done it. He shouldn’t draw attention to there being anything wrong, his parents didn’t need to get involved in this - whatever this was - between him and Taylor. 

Zac sat down on the top step of the four leading down into the grass of their backyard and put his elbows on his knees, resting his chin in his hand. He tried to think back to good times between him and Taylor before everything fell to shit, but it was hard to see past the vision of Taylor’s eyes when he’d called him a fag, when he’d stepped close to him, his voice laced with nothing but pure animosity. If he thought back hard enough, Zac could remember when they’d been inseparable, practically joint at the hip. Taylor had known everything about Zac, and vice versa, he’d never had to be afraid to talk to his older brother, open up to him about any and everything in his life, or in his head. Until that day. 

Zac had always loved unconditionally. From his parents to each and every one of his siblings, his love was unending and non-negotiable. He wasn’t always great at showing it, but he loved hard, and he loved with everything he had. With Taylor there was always a small extra step up to that love, their bond had always been so strong and unwavering, Zac was sure that even if Taylor had murdered someone he would never have been able to shut his love for his brother off. 

Is that what Taylor thought? That Zac’s being gay was worse than killing someone? That he was unworthy of love because of a part of him he couldn’t change? 

He could feel the anger bubbling up in him from his feet to his head, which was now showing signs of a headache coming on. He thought about getting up, marching back into the house and giving Taylor a piece of his mind, but before he could do any of that, his mother sank down onto the step beside him, patting him on the knee softly.

“What was all that yelling about down there?”

“He hates me, Mom,” Zac shrugged. “I can’t change it, he’s made it clear that I can’t.”

“He doesn’t hate you, his feelings are confused. Sometimes accepting things can be harder for some than for others.”

“Did you ever-“ Zac looked over at his mom, taking in the woman sitting next to him. She’d always been the perfect mother. Hard when she needed to be, but always loving and nurturing. “I mean, do you hate-“ Zac shook his head, looking out into the yard. “I’m sorry that I’m a disappointment to you guys. I’m sorry that I’m gay and that I can’t do anything about it. I’m sorry that I’ve let you down.”

“Honey,” Diana sighed, wrapping her arm around her sons shoulders and pulling his head down onto her own shoulder. She ran her fingers lightly through his hair and it struck Zac then that no matter how old he got, he’d always need his mom. “You’re not a disappointment to us, and you have nothing to be sorry for. It was a bit of a shock, but I have to say, as your mother, I kind of always had an idea. It took us a while to come to terms with things, but you are exactly who you’re meant to be.”

Zac had never really had the talk with his parents about his being gay. It was kind of just a thing they glossed over after he came out to them. He’d done it in a cowardly way, afraid they’d have the same kind of reaction that Taylor had had, Zac telling them right before he entered the line for airport security on his way out to Georgetown. 

“But, the church…and God-“ Zac started and Diana held her other hand up.

“You are my child and that comes before anything else.”

They sat there then, a mother and her child, content silence washing over them. It had always been in the back of Zac’s mind that his parents might not be accepting of who he was, and it was a relief to know that they were okay with it, okay with him. 

“Come on,” Diana said after a little while, standing up from the step and pulling Zac up lightly by his hand. “We’re going to fix this thing with you and Taylor right now.”

 

\---

 

 

The sight of Zac walking up the stairs pulled at Taylor in a way that he really didn’t want to acknowledge. He couldn’t believe the audacity his little brother had at sleeping naked in his bedroom! Zac clearly knew how he felt about his life choices, but then to go and try to what, convert him? He gritted his teeth together and walked to the bathroom, taking the pills from their hiding place and popping a couple. He knew his mother would be downstairs soon, now that Zac was up, and he just needed to get as far away from that house as he could. His plans for escape were ruined, however, when he got upstairs and saw both of his parents sitting at the table. 

With Zac, who had some kind of smug look on his face. What the hell had he done?

“Uh, hey, I’m gonna take off. I’m meeting someone…” He trailed off as he reached for his keys on the hook by the kitchen, but they were gone. He whipped his head to look over at his parents and saw the keys sitting on the table in front of them. 

“Honey, sit down.” Diana commanded. A shiver ran down his spine, his mother could be more scary while even toned than most people were when they were screaming at you. He sat down on the other side of the table and glared at Zac for a second before looking down at the table. Walker cleared his throat and began speaking.

“You and Zac need to work out your differences. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but I will not tolerate the two of you acting like a bunch of teenagers when you’re both adults.” Taylor’s head shot up and his jaw dropped a little as he stared at his dad. “You both are going to be spending the day in the backyard, chopping down that rotten tree that’s been needing to be taken care of the past couple of years. Your mother and I have some business to take care of, but we expect it to be taken care of by nightfall.”

“Dad, what the heck? I just got home, I haven’t even done anything!” Zac looked ready to jump to his feet in protest, but Diana reached out to place a hand on his arm.

“There’s no use fighting. We’ve made up our minds and if you don’t like it, you’re free to find another place to live. Do you understand me?” Zac nodded his head, but he did not look happy about it. She turned to Taylor and gave him a sharp look. “Taylor?”

He wanted so badly to get up from the table and storm downstairs to pack up the few things he owned and take off, never to look back, but he knew he couldn’t. He had nowhere to go and no way of supporting himself. He was stuck. “Fine.” He grumbled under his breath before getting up from the table and heading to change his clothes. 

Twenty minutes and two more pills later, Taylor was outside, hacking away at one of the tree limbs, taking out all of his anger and rage on the unsuspecting tree. He heard the back door open and close, but didn’t turn around. Zac could figure out what to do on his own and it sure as hell didn’t involve the two of them speaking for any reason. He started imagining that the tree branch he was cutting at was actually Zac’s head and a smile broke out across his face. “Take that, mother fucker.” He whispered under his breath as he raised the axe and brought it down with all of his strength. The limb shook and a good kick from Taylor brought it to the ground. He brought the axe up again and then back down, finding some kind of peace with the repetitive action. 

He found a good rhythm and was making pretty good progress with the tree before long. He was actually able to pull away into his thoughts and think about things he had spent years avoiding. The night that Zac had come out to him, that night was one of the worst nights of his entire life. Not only had he lost his brother, but he also lost his best friend. Zac’s decision to be gay was something he had never understood, why would he do something so selfish? Didn’t he understand how much he hurt the people around him? His decision didn’t just affect him, it affected his family, friends, everyone, and he didn’t even fucking care. Taylor was supposed to be his best friend and never once did Zac seem to consider what his lifestyle choice would do to him. Their relationship was the most important relationship Taylor had in his life, and within seconds, it was ripped from his hands. How did Zac think he would react to that? Was he supposed to be happy about it? Was he supposed to throw him a parade and declare that he would love him no matter what? That wasn’t how real life worked, dammit, and he hated Zac so much for making him have to choose.

Tears started to cloud his eyes slightly and he blinked them away furiously, swiping the back of his hand against his eyes. The last thing he needed was for Zac to think he had gotten to him, had turned him gay or some crazy shit like that. He put the axe down for a minute, needing to catch his breath, and realized that he was the only one actually doing anything. He turned around and saw Zac just sitting on one of the patio chairs and without even thinking, his temper flared. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” He yelled over at him as he took a few steps forward. “You’re supposed to be helping me, not letting me do all of the work.” Zac rolled his eyes and sighed before talking.  
“You’re doing a fine job on your own, Taylor, and I’m not sure if you noticed, but there’s only one axe, which you’ve taken for yourself, so unless you think I can karate chop the limbs off of the tree, I have nothing to do.” Taylor felt his face turn red from anger. Seriously, he was just going to let him do all of the hard work and then take the credit when their parents returned? 

“Oh, so you’re just going to let me do all of the hard work and then you’ll just breeze on in when it’s time to wrap it up, is that it? Tell me, how does that work out for you? That seems to be a pattern that you have going on, when the going gets tough, you get the hell out of dodge.” He took another couple of steps forward, now only a foot from Zac. “That’s the reason you went to Washington, right? Because your little baby feelings got hurt and you ran away as far as you could so that you didn’t have to deal with the consequences of your actions?” Taylor’s chest was heaving by that point and a small voice in the back of his head was trying to warn him to shut up, but he was on a roll.

“What happened after graduation, huh? You left home, determined to make something of yourself, determined to never have to come back here, yet here you are, home again. Why don’t you have a job? Was every place that you went full up or are you just not good enough to make it in the real world, Zachary? Because you left here all high and mighty, like you were better than everyone, but now you’re back in the same situation you left behind four years ago. It’s like you just like to fail or something.” 

“You need to just shut the hell up, Taylor.” Zac got up from the patio chair and took a step in his direction. “I know you think that you know what you’re talking about most of the time, but believe me, you have no fucking idea what my life has been like. You made the choice to not be part of it, so don’t go acting like you even know the first thing about me anymore.” Taylor snorted and let out a harsh laugh.

“Oh, come on, don’t act like you did anything mildly impressive. You went to college, got a degree, and moved back home with mommy and daddy. Woohoo, I’m so proud of you. Is that what you were looking for? Because we both know that you spent more time sucking cock on campus than you did studying. Why else would you be jobless?” Zac let out an angry growl and felt his rage take over. He took one step, then another, then another, until he was almost nose to nose with his older brother. 

“Say that again to my face, asshole.” He hissed, his fists balled up at his sides. 

“You’re nothing more than a cock sucking loser.” Taylor spat out, letting all of the disdain he could muster come out. “You’ll never be anything more than –“ He was cut off when a fist connected with his cheek and he fell to the ground, in shock. He brought his hand to his face and looked up at Zac. “You asshole!” He got up and launched himself at the younger man, bringing them both to the ground. 

They wrestled around for a few minutes, Zac getting in a few punches to the face while Taylor got in a punch or two to the stomach, but considering Zac was bigger than him, he was pretty much kicking Taylor’s ass. He finally managed to pull away and got up to his feet, glaring down at his older brother. “I am a human being, Taylor. I don't care if you don't like that I'm gay, but I'm a real fucking person with real feelings and real emotions. I'm your brother, for fuck sake. How can you be so cruel?” He wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt and grimaced as he saw blood stain the fabric. “I'm not going anywhere, Taylor, I may be back home after college, living with mommy and daddy, but you never left, so what does that make you?” 

Taylor crawled backward on the ground until he was able to get far enough away that he didn't think Zac could reach him. Zac’s question left him with a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach - he already knew what a fuck up he was, but to have his brother throw it back in his face hurt a lot more than he wanted to admit. As he stood up, he gave Zac the most hateful look he could muster. “No matter what I am, I will always be better than you.” and with those words, he turned around and walked back into the house, desperately needing some relief in pill form.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)

Zac walked slowly over to the steps he’d been sitting on earlier in the day and dropped down onto the top one, a hand running lightly over his stomach. Taylor had gotten some good hits in on him, but he’d be damned if he let him know. 

_A cock sucking loser_ , the words played over and over again in his head, the repulsion in Taylor’s voice growing louder and louder with each replay of the sentence. 

The truth was, Zac had never done anything with a man, never mind running around and sucking cock all over campus. He hadn’t had to experience the sexual side of being gay to know that that’s what he was. Zac knew he was gay in the same way he knew that he needed to breathe air to live, or eat to survive. He’d always known, really, since before he even knew what it really meant to be gay. When they were kids and Isaac and Taylor were talking about girls they found hot, or sneaking peeks at Playboy and Maxim Magazines, Zac knew that there was nothing there for him. He felt nothing looking down at those glossy pages, seeing girls with their tops off, posed in suggestive ways. Once, when he was around twelve, Taylor had brought home a porn tape, excitedly slipping it into the VCR once their parents were asleep for the night. 

“Why are we watching this?” Zac had said to his older brother who’d climbed up onto the bed next to him, their backs pressed against the wall behind them, knees drawn up to their chests.

“I just want to see what it’s all about,” Taylor had shrugged. “Don’t you?”

“I guess…” Zac had replied, not totally convinced by his weak answer. 

When the tape - not a particularly good one, Zac could tell that even at his young age - started, there was a blonde girl sitting on a bed, her legs spread wide open. She was only wearing a thin, white pair of panties and her hand was running down her body, landing on top of them. The only thoughts Zac had running through his mind in those moments were that he’d hate it if one of his sisters or someday, his daughter, did something like that on camera. 

A couple of minutes later, a man entered the frame of the video, completely naked. It was right then, when Zac felt his stomach stir a little bit and his cheeks warm up, that he knew exactly what it was that made him different from his brothers. When he looked over at Taylor, he had his lip pulled in between his teeth, his eyes intent on the screen, watching as if he’d never seen anything more interesting. Zac had spent the next twenty minutes while the video played, staring at the screen, but not really watching, instead working out in his head what it meant that he’d felt his body getting a little bit excited at the sight of the man. He knew it was _wrong_ to be gay, he’d been told that pretty much his whole life by every priest or preacher he’d ever sat in a church to listen to speak, but until that night he had never actually thought of being gay as a real thing, something that people dealt with in their lives every day. Until then gayness had been an abstract, almost fictional thing that religion warned against, letting you know that only bad things could come from it, only sick people were accepting of it. 

He’s spent over the next five years convincing himself that he wasn’t gay, he just wasn’t particularly interested in dating at all, or anything that came with it. When it had finally settled in on him, sometime right after his eighteenth birthday, that he was indeed, definitely very gay and there wasn’t anything he could do about it, he’d done the one thing he knew to do with that information. The one thing that he thought would make him feel okay about it, the one thing he thought he’d never regret: he’d gone to Taylor and he’d told him. 

It had been a long time since Zac had spent any considerable amount of time thinking about that day, yet here he found himself, for the second time in as many days, running over the events that had unfolded because of uttering those two, simple words, and he couldn’t stop the magnificent wave of emotions that poured over him. Anger was at the forefront, he’d spent so long being hurt and upset about the deterioration of his and Taylor’s relationship, but now that it was here, in front of him, now that he was hearing exactly what Taylor thought about him, straight from the horse's mouth, the hurt had transformed into something just the right side of rage. 

He might have no choice but to live here, deal with Taylor, but he wouldn’t let him walk all over him. Something had to give, and Zac knew that nothing would unless he made it happen himself. 

He just wasn’t sure exactly what that meant yet. He felt almost hopeless at the idea of trying to fix things between the two of them. It seemed pretty clear that Taylor thought that at his core, Zac was a bad person, and he wasn’t sure there was really any way to change something like that once someone had decided on it. He might not be able to fix anything between them, but he could at least attempt to put a stop to the toxicity that was surrounding them any time they were anywhere near each other. He could only do so much, and the rest was up to Taylor, for better or for worse.

Zac sighed and stood up from his seat on the step, brushing his clothes off, ridding himself of the grass and debris he’d picked up while rolling around on the ground with Taylor. The thought made Zac chuckle despite himself, causing him to remember times when they’d done the same thing, play fighting or wrestling in the backyard as kids, when times and hearts were much softer. 

When Zac entered the house he was glad to see that it was still empty, the last thing he wanted to add on to the shit pile that today had turned out to be, was his parents scorn and disappointment that him and Taylor couldn’t even manage to do a simple job like cut a tree down together without fists flying. 

He walked to the basement door and opened it, walking slowly down the steps, uneasy about being in the same room as Taylor, but knowing he had no choice. When he made it to the bottom he could see Taylor, standing at the small kitchen counter, his back to him. 

“Tay,” he spoke softly, careful not to shock his brother. He knew that if there were any hope in even finding a sliver of common ground, he had to be the bigger person, the calm one.

Taylor shut the faucet off and turned around slowly, not meeting Zac’s eyes.

“Look, we have to deal with this,” Zac took another step into the room, then stopping, deciding that leaving as much space as he could between them was probably for the best. “I know you’re-“ Zac searched his brain for a word to use, letters jumbled together that could do justice to how Taylor felt about him. “Disappointed in me, in my being gay. But, I can’t do anything about it, I can’t change it. I am who I am, just like you are who you are, but I’m still me. I haven’t changed, and we don’t have to spend the rest of our lives hating each other.”

Taylor said nothing, turning and walking towards the living area of the basement apartment.

“Tay, come on,” Zac huffed, following behind him, keeping the distance between them big enough for comfort.

“You can change it,” Taylor said as he opened the door to his bedroom. “You just don’t want to.”

“Why would I want this? Do you think I want to be different, have people hate me just for who I am?”

“I don’t know what you want,” Taylor said, stepping into his room, his hand on the door. “I’m not a freak, so how could I understand one?”

With that, he shut the bedroom door, and in the silence that followed Zac heard the lock flip, Taylor essentially blocking him out, literally and figuratively shutting the door on any further conversation. 

 

\--

 

The next few days were a blur of avoiding his family, taking pills, and getting drunk. He was trying to look for another job, or so he told his parents anyway, but nothing really came his way. Granted, sitting at a bar for eight hours a day wasn’t the greatest way to go about trying to find a job, but Taylor was beyond caring. After the fist fight with Zac, their parents had come home from their day out and he honestly had never seen his father’s face turn so red when he realized that they hadn’t completed the task they’d been assigned. Couple that with the black eye Taylor was sporting and Walker’s head almost blew off of his shoulders. Diana had had to coax him to their room in order for him not to start screaming at two of his sons, but he knew they would be getting a talking to sooner or later. Taylor chose later, which is why he had been spending the last week basically living at his favorite little hole in the wall bar, Caz’s, and only coming home when absolutely necessary to sleep and shower. 

Midnight came way too soon for Taylor’s liking as midnight also brought last call and he really didn’t want to go home. He sighed and finished off his beer before heading to his car. He tried not to drink and drive too much, but lately, he just didn’t care if he killed himself doing it. Why would it matter? It’s not like anyone would miss him anyway. 

He made it home in one piece, but he was pretty sure that the dent on the hood of the car was new. He thought he had swerved enough to not hit the parked car down the street, but maybe he hadn’t? He tried really hard to be quiet getting in the door and down to his room, but tripped on the last step to the basement and stumbled into the pulled out sofa bed, landing on top of a squishy mass. Shit, he’d fallen on top of Zac.

“Sorry, shit.” He slurred out as he tried to get up from the bed and failed. 

“Get the fuck off of me, Taylor, what the hell is wrong with you?” Zac pulled himself out from underneath his brother and scooted up to the head of the bed, bringing the blanket with him. Taylor rolled his eyes and snorted.

“What, you afraid I’m gonna see something? It’s not like I’ve never seen a dick before, I have one ya know.” Zac gave him a look of absolute confusion and clutched the blanket tighter around himself.

“Yeah, well, you weren’t saying that the other day, Tay. You practically threw up when you saw me sleeping in my boxers. Excuse me for taking you at your word.” Zac looked tired and pissed off, so Taylor tried to get off the bed, but failed. Zac sighed and got up from the bed, reaching out a hand for his arm. Taylor shook his head stubbornly and tried to get up off of the bed himself a couple more times, but couldn't manage. He finally gave in with a heavy sigh and took Zac’s arm, letting himself be hoisted up to his feet.

They made it to his room and he collapsed on his bed, grateful to finally be able to sleep and forget the world around him. His shoes were still on though, and he hated that, so he tried to toe them off, but remained unsuccessful for a minute or two until someone took one foot, then the other, and took both shoes off. He looked up and saw Zac was still in the room, helping him. This realization truly shocked him, he expected Zac to have left him to fend for himself after he got him into his room, and really, he knew he deserved it. He didn’t deserve any kind of kindness from his little brother, but apparently Zac didn’t agree.

“Thanks.” He mumbled as he turned over onto his back. Zac further surprised him as he pulled the blankets down over him, basically tucking him into bed.

“You’re still my brother, jerk or not, I’m not going to just let you pass out on the floor.” Zac said softly. Taylor opened his mouth to say something snarky, but nothing came out. He was too drunk to be an asshole, apparently, but he didn’t want to not say something. 

“Why did you do this to me?” He was a bit shocked at his own question, but once it was out, he realized he truly wanted to know the answer. Zac squinted in confusion. 

“Why did I do what to you, Tay?”

“You know. This.” He gestured up and down his body before moving his hands to gesture above his head. “All of this. You left me here, alone, to deal with everything by myself.” He felt a lump form in his throat, but didn’t want to start crying. No way in hell was he going to show such a weakness to Zac. “I’d never been alone before and then all of a sudden, you were gone and I was left here.” He blinked his eyes a few times, trying to make the burning feeling of tears go away. Zac looked at him incredulously before sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“I-I didn’t leave you, Tay. You made me go. I told you the deepest, darkest secret I had even had, and you rejected who I am. Was I supposed to stick around for you to hate me some more?” Zac’s voice cracked and he shook his head, clearly not wanting to give into his own emotions.

“I didn’t want you to go. I wanted you to be normal, I wanted you to go back to being the person I knew. I wanted you to stay and be my brother, my best friend, not some… Guy I didn’t know anymore.” He bit the inside of his cheek and shrugged a little. “If you had stayed, I could have helped you. I could have helped you become normal again.” Zac’s head whipped to look at him and the expression on his face was not a happy one.

“That’s what you don’t seem to get, Taylor. This _is_ who I am. I’m normal just the way I am right now, gay and all. I never stopped being the person you knew. I’ve been gay my entire live, Tay, and you still loved me and accepted me for who I was, even though you didn’t know. Why did knowing about me being gay change your opinion?” His eyes were pleading with Taylor to understand, and he felt a rush of sadness run through him. “I’m still the same person who had sleepovers with you in the backyard in the middle of summer. I’m still the same person who decided to help you paint mom and dad’s room as a surprise for them and took all of the blame when we got in trouble for it. I’m still the same person who could crawl into bed with you at night when I had a nightmare. You would make me feel safe, Tay. When did that change?”

Taylor closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, willing his body to not betray him in front of Zac. When he opened his eyes, he fixed them on Zac’s forehead and spoke in a low, even voice. “You changed my opinion with your choice. I didn’t make that decision, you made it for me. Stop acting like I’m the bad guy when I never did anything. I stayed the same, you’re the one who's different.” He stared for a few more seconds before turning over on his side, his back to his brother. “Shut the door behind you.” He whispered. After what felt like an eternity, he felt his mattress move and then the door shut as Zac left the room. Taylor closed his eyes and bit his lower lip, trying to hold in his tears, but it was too late – Tears started streaming down his face and he had to bite down on his blanket in order to keep the sounds of his cries low enough that no one else would hear.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)   
> 

Zac didn’t wake up until well after noon, not able to will his mind to shut off and go to sleep after dragging a drunk Taylor into bed. He didn’t know anything about how he could even attempt to fix this situation or make sharing the basement with Taylor for the foreseeable future even slightly more pleasant, but he did know that he needed a little break from Taylor and his madness, so he pulled himself off his the sofa bed and padded over to the bathroom, washing his face and running a brush through his hair. 

He dressed quickly, not sure if Taylor was behind the closed door of his bedroom or not, but not wanting to wait around to find out. 

When he made it to the kitchen he walked over to his mom, who was folding laundry at the table, and wrapped his arms around her, laying a kiss on her head.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” Diana smiled up at him.

“Trying,” Zac shrugged. “It didn’t work, but thank you for trying.”

“Everything will fall into place,” Diana went back to folding her laundry. “ _That’s_ one thing that I know God didn’t get wrong.”

Zac smiled, walking over to the stove and plucking a cold piece of bacon off of a plate.

“Can I borrow your car for the day? I think I’m going to try to find a job, maybe visit some friends.”

“Of course, I think it’ll be good for you to get out of the house for a while,” Diana smiled, dropping the shirt she was holding and walking across the room to where her purse was hanging by the door. She dug her car keys out and walked to Zac, pressing them into his hand. “Don’t beat yourself up, he’ll come around.”

“Yeah,” Zac shrugged. “Maybe. Thanks, Mom.”

Zac walked outside and to the car. He got in, starting it and rolling down all of the windows. He was sure that some cruising on the open highway, windows down, music pumping, would be just the thing he needed to cheer him up. 

He was rolling along, his hair blowing in the wind, belting out the chorus to Carry on my Wayward Son when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He pulled it out, seeing his old friend Nick’s name on the screen.

“Hey!” He pressed the phone to his ear, turning the volume on the radio down.

“You come back to town and don’t even tell your old friend?” Nick’s voice was light and airy, Zac could hear notes of amusement in it.

“Sorry, man, it’s been a little bit busy over here,” Zac responded, rolling the windows up so he could hear better.

“My mom ran into yours at the grocery store,” Nick explained. “Said she was thrilled you were back.”

“Yeah, you know my mom.”

“So what do you think about hitting the town tonight? Just like old times? We’ll hit Club Majestic, they’ve got a great DJ playing tonight. I know the gay bar scene isn’t really your thing, but the drinks are cheap and great.”

“I don’t know, I’m actually about to go job hunting, I’m low on funds,” it was a good excuse, but not Zac’s only reason to be reluctant to go to Club Majestic. While he had accepted his sexuality and he was comfortable in his skin, gay bars had never really been his thing. 

“Come on, it’s on me, I haven’t seen you in years!” 

“You know what,” Zac flipped his blinker on to take a turn into a shopping plaza parking lot. “You’re right. What time?”

“How’s 8 sound? I can’t stay out too late, I’ve got an early morning tomorrow, but we can have some drinks, chill out.”

“Sounds great,” Zac smiled to himself. Nick had been his closest friend who wasn’t related to him for years, and they’d drifted apart considerably since Zac had left Tulsa, but he knew that they’d pick up right where they left off. 

They said their goodbyes and Zac pulled the car into a parking space, shutting it off. There was nowhere in this lot he particularly wanted to work, but a job was a job, and the sooner he started earning money, the sooner he could get out of that basement and away from Taylor and his scorn. 

An hour and a half and 13 dead-end job applications later, Zac got back in the car. The thought of working at any of these places made him slightly miserable. He knew he was overqualified and settling for something that he knew was beneath his skill set filled him with a slight sense of shame, but he felt like he had almost no choice. Maybe people were right when they told him that a history degree was almost useless, maybe someday Zac wouldn’t be so damn stubborn. 

Zac wasn’t sure what to do to fill the next few hours until he was supposed to meet Nick, and he definitely didn’t realize that he was driving to a little park close to home before he’d pulled in and shut the car off. 

Taylor and Zac, along with Isaac sometimes, spent a lot of time there as kids, their mom herding them out of the house when she needed some quiet time, or space to clean without the three rambunctious boys following behind her undoing all of her progress. They’d had birthday parties and picnics, lazy Sunday afternoons and nights where they pushed the boundaries of growing up there. Taylor and Zac had smoked their first joint in this very park, hiding behind a row of small bushes, passing a badly rolled joint back and forth, giggling against their palms. They’d gotten drunk for the first time sitting on the grass underneath a giant tree, a flask they’d stolen out of their father's sock drawer filled with the cheapest, most vile rum you could get your hands on. Their cheeks had been red and their eyes droopy, laying in the grass, their legs thrown out in front of them, tangled together somehow. Zac could remember the feeling of Taylor’s fingers running through his hair that day as they talked about nothing at all, his fingertip running from Zac’s hairline, down his jaw before he blurted out, ‘you have a pretty face, people think I’m the pretty one, but it’s really you,’ and then instantly leaping to his feet, mumbling that he was going to throw up, barely making it to a trashcan a few feet away before he’d emptied his stomach into it. 

Diana has laid into them that night, going over and over the hazards of underage drinking until she was blue in the face. Taylor and Zac had just sat on the couch before her, watching her pace back and forth. It was the first and only time she’d ever told her sons that she was disappointed in them, and it shook them both to their core. They fell asleep that night laying in Taylor’s bed, their sides pressed together, and in the morning, when Taylor tried to eat and instantly threw up in the kitchen sink, Diana had thrown a, ‘serves you right,’ his way, a small grin on her face. 

Zac walked through the lush grass and sat on a small bench, looking around the park. How could it look exactly the same when everything else had changed so drastically? Shouldn’t the decomposition of his and Taylor’s kinship have caused more of a visible catastrophe? _I guess not_ , he thought to himself. _Why would anyone else care?_

 _Why should I care?_ He thought, _he obviously doesn’t_.

Zac had spent most of his life following in Taylor’s footsteps, letting him lead. He wasn’t going to do it anymore, from here on out, Zac was in charge of Zac’s feelings. Zac was in charge of Zac, period. Taylor wouldn’t push him anymore, Zac wouldn’t let him.

 

 

It was nearing nine o’clock and Zac and Nick had been catching up and drinking at the bar. Zac’s whole body had a warm, fuzzy feeling to it, and he had to admit that he kind of liked it. He’d never been a big drinker, he’d have a beer here and there, maybe a rum and Coke if the occasion called for it, but he’d never been the kind of guy who just liked to kick back and drink until he was drunk. 

Everywhere Zac turned there was flesh, underdressed men dancing and drinking the night away. A sea of tanned skin and muscle spread out in front of Zac, and it was probably all of the beer he’d consumed - that’s what he was telling himself, anyway - but, Zac had spent the better part of the past hour semi-hard in his jeans, his eyes drifting from one man to the next as he sipped his beer. 

At ten past nine, Nick’s phone had rung. An emergency call from his sister begging him to come extract her from some situation she didn’t want to be in. Zac was sad to call their reunion short, but he’d understood, knowing that if a sibling rang him right then, he’d do his best to rescue them. He’d decided that he was going to stay at the bar, at least a little while longer, maybe have a few more drinks, before heading home. There was nothing for him to return home to, anyway, unless an empty, quiet basement counted as great company, which it didn’t. 

Nearly as soon as Nick slid off his bar stool, his body was replaced by someone else’s, and Zac looked over, seeing a slightly shaggy-haired brunette sitting next to him. The man raised his hand in greeting, a smile on his face.

“Adam,” he said, tilting a beer bottle to his mouth.

“Uh, Zac,” Zac repeated Adam’s motion with his own beer bottle.

“All alone, Zac?”

“Yeah, my friend just left, family emergency.”

“Friend?” Adam repeated, leaning back in his chair and signaling the bartender.

“Yeah, just a friend,” Zac shrugged. “What about you?”

The bartender came over and Adam asked him for two shots of tequila.

“All alone,” Adam grinned. “Or I was. Until now.”

Zac swallowed hard, his beer bottle finding its way back to his lips. It was obvious that this man - Adam - was hitting on him, and it made him slightly uncomfortable. Zac had never mastered the art of flirting, or anything even resembling it, but as he watched Adam lick a droplet of beer from his bottom lip, he was reminded of the half hard-on in his pants, which twitched against his will, growing slightly more protruding. 

The bartender returned with the two shots of tequila and Adam slid one in front of Zac.

“Oh, no,” Zac shook his head. “I think I’ve probably had enough.”

“Come on,” Adam winked. “A toast to not being alone anymore.”

Zac looked down at the clear liquid in front of him and then back at Adam and shrugged, a small smiling breaking out on his lips.

“Alright.”

“That’s the spirit!” Adam chuckled, picking up his shot glass and holding it out. Zac clinked his own glass to the other mans and then they put them to their mouths, throwing the liquid back. Zac choked slightly on his, never having quite acquired the taste for hard liquor, chasing it with his beer. 

“So, Zac,” Adam leaned over, running a hand lightly up Zac’s thigh, his eyes on Zac’s now noticeable erection. Damn those tight jeans. Zac licked his lips as Adam’s own lips grazed his ear. “How about we go somewhere a little more quiet?”

“Wha-“ Zac shook his head. “What?” 

“To talk, or-“ Adam’s hand grazed over Zac’s cock and then landed on top of it. He rubbed him once softly through his jeans before pulling his hand away. “something else, if you want.”

Adam slid off his barstool, taking one last long swig from his beer before placing it on the bar. He put his hand on Zac’s wrist and motioned with his head towards the staircase across the room.

“What do you say?”

“I-“ Zac looked between Adam and the stairs and before he even knew what he was doing, he was nodding and sliding off his barstool, the mixture of the alcohol swirling around in his brain and the feeling of Adam’s hand when it landed on him spurning him on..

Adam led him easily through the crush of bodies filling the middle of the room and up the staircase. They entered the bathroom and Adam put his hands on Zac’s hips, leading him to the corner stall. The thought that Adam knew exactly what he was doing, that he wasn’t new at this, flashed across Zac’s mind, but before he had time to process that, the stall door was closed and Zac was pressed against the wall, Adam’s fingers making quick work of undoing and pushing his jeans down.

Adam’s lips landed on Zac’s neck, just underneath his ear, his hand wrapping around Zac’s now throbbing cock.

“This looked like it needed some taking care of,” he murmured into Zac’s ear and then dropped to his knees, taking him into his mouth.

Zac had never had a man’s - or anyone's - mouth on him before. He’d never done more than share a few heavy makeout sessions with anyone in his life. Sure, he’d spent a good amount of time jerking himself off, but the feeling of Adam’s mouth wrapped around him, bobbing up and down, his tongue swirling around him, was light years beyond anything Zac had ever felt before. 

Zac’s head fell forward and he watched himself disappear and reappear with every push and pull of Adam’s head, his hand falling into the other man's hair. He vaguely heard himself mutter an _oh fuck_ as he came, his head dropping back against the wall of the stall. 

Adam was on his feet within seconds, his mouth crashing into Zac’s. He could taste himself on the man's lips and it made his head swirl a little bit.

“That was fun,” Adam said, pulling back. “If you ever want a round two, you can find me here most nights.”

Adam opened the bathroom stall and stepped out, leaving Zac with his pants pooled around his ankles. Zac cleaned himself up, wondering just who exactly he’d just turned into, and returned to the bar, ordering one last beer, hoping it would calm his beating heart.

A little while later, after Zac closed out his tab, he stood and started making his way to the exit of the club when a flash of blonde caught his eye. He turned his head, seeing Taylor walking towards the stairs.

Taylor? Here? 

Zac shook his head, sure he must be imagining things, but when he looked again, there was no question. His brother was stepping onto the first stair that lead towards the bathrooms, a step behind him was a familiar face.

Zac watched as Adam’s hand lightly landed on Taylor’s back, leading him to the restrooms.

 _I must be hallucinating_ , Zac thought to himself as he finally reached the heavy door, pushing it open. The night air surrounded him as he walked towards the car, sure he was too drunk to drive. He climbed up into the driver's seat, leaning back and closing his eyes. Maybe he’d just rest for a minute first.

 

 

\--

 

 

Taylor woke up the next day with a pounding head, a stuffy nose, and red, itchy eyes. Apparently crying himself to sleep wasn’t too good on his body, but he tried not to think about it too much. It was after one in the afternoon, so when he walked into the living room and saw Zac was gone, he wasn’t surprised. He really hoped his brother wasn’t upstairs or even in the house at all, he needed to avoid seeing him at all costs. Even the thought of potentially seeing him made Taylor practically run to the bathroom to take a few pills. He took a quick shower, needing to get rid of all traces of the previous night and finally made it upstairs. To his surprise, it was completely quiet, not even his little siblings were home. He took it as a good omen and decided to head out as well – Caz’s was calling his name.

The bar Taylor ended up in wasn’t actually Caz’s, it was some new place across the street called Club Majestic. It was a night club, but they were open in the early afternoon and he figured why not head over there to see what it was about. Happy hour had started early that day and Taylor sat at the bar, happily drinking himself into oblivion. He lost track of time, just drinking and watching the TV’s mounted behind the bar, until he finally looked down at his phone and saw it was almost seven in the evening. He thought briefly about possibly heading home, though it was too early, but when he stood up, he could barely stand on his own two feet, let alone make it all the way outside and into his car. He sat back down and sighed, ordering another drink because why not get even more drunk since he was already shit faced? He began looking around at all of the people who had joined him at the bar in the past few hours and saw that there were mostly men lingering around, a few dancing to the music pumping through the sound system. There were a few women as well, but Taylor just ignored almost everyone. He wasn’t there to hook up, he was there to drink. 

By ten o’clock, business was booming and Taylor was a little bit more sober. He had popped a couple more pills around eight, but kept the drinking to a minimum, so when he got up to take a look around the dance floor, he was no longer at risk for falling over his own feet. Even more men were dancing to the music now, many of the dressed extremely provocatively, and dancing extremely close with each other. It wasn’t until he witnessed two men start to make out that he realized he was in a gay bar. Fuck, he was at a gay bar?! Getting drunk on a Thursday night at a bar was not a new thing to Taylor, but getting drunk on a Thursday night at a gay bar definitely was. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, or maybe it was his conversation with Zac the night before, but he wasn’t as freaked out as he thought he would be. Sure, he wasn’t really excited about the notion of being in a gay bar, but he wanted to get drunk and they had cheap booze, so why make a big deal out of it? It’s not like he was getting a blowjob in the bathroom or anything.

He wandered back to his seat and took a sip from his beer, looking to his left and nodding at the man sitting next to him. “You’re a new face here.” The man commented, giving him a smile that Taylor felt almost uncomfortable seeing. 

“Uh, yeah, it’s my first time. I didn’t even know it was here until a few hours ago.” He took another sip of beer and turned his body so that it was facing the bar, a clear indication he did not want to continue the conversation. 

The other man didn’t get the hint. 

“I’m Adam.” He stuck his hand out and Taylor felt obliged to take it, giving it a weak shake before dropping it as if it were diseased. 

“Taylor.” He grunted back, suddenly feeling way more sober than he had just minutes earlier. He gestured to the bartender for another round and Adam piped up.

“Make it two, and put it on my tab, Mark!” He was way too cheerful and his voice was grating on Taylor’s last nerve, but… Free booze was free booze, right? He accepted the beer and raised it as a cheers to the other man, hoping that would be the end of it, but no such luck. “So, what are you doing here all by yourself? You’re way too cute to be single.” Taylor choked on his mouthful of beer, though luckily he didn’t spit it out on the bar. 

“Oh, I’m uh, I’m not gay.” He grimaced at his own words, he didn’t sound convincing at all, which really wasn’t helpful when he, in fact, was _not_ gay. 

“Ohhh, so you just hang out at gay bars for fun huh? Showing off the goods and then going home to your girlfriend?” Adam leaned in and placed a hand on Taylor’s knee. He definitely minded it, but at the same time, it felt kind of nice. The warm pressure on his knee, it made him feel like he wasn’t so alone in the world. 

“I don’t have a girlfriend either.” He admitted, taking another sip of his beer, but finally turning his body to face the other man. The conversation wasn’t ending any time soon, so he may as well just get into it. 

“Oh well now I just don’t understand that at all. Why hasn’t someone scooped you up?” Adam leaned further into his personal space, now between his knees, and his hand slid a little further up his leg to rest on his thigh. This was going way too fast for Taylor to even process, so much so that he didn’t even stop the other man or tell him to back off. 

“I guess I just haven’t found the right person.” His voice came out much lower than he anticipated, it sounded almost suggestive to his own ears, but he couldn’t take them back. A large smile appeared on Adam’s face and he ran his hand further up his thigh until it was almost at his crotch. 

“Wanna see if I’m the right person?” He breathed into his ear. Taylor shivered and closed his eyes a little bit, it had been a while since he had been intimate with someone and it felt nice to feel wanted. Instead of speaking, he just got up from his seat at the bar and made his way to the stairs, looking over his shoulder to make sure the other man was following him. They went to the bathroom and Adam led them to the corner cubicle like it wasn’t the first time he had done something like that. Taylor was about to ask him if he had, but then Adam’s lips were on his and fuck, he really knew how to kiss, and his tongue, he did a thing with his tongue…

He let himself be pushed against the wall and vaguely registered that his pants were getting unbuttoned, but it wasn’t until Adam dropped to his knees that Taylor really realized what was happening. Alarm bells started going off in his head and he was about to kick the other man away and get the hell out of there, but then Adam’s mouth wrapped around the head of his dick and he moaned, it had been too long and the wet heat of his mouth felt like heaven. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. If he couldn’t see that it was a guy, it was basically like getting a blowjob from a chick, right?

He came within a few minutes, gasping out one last moan as he came down from his orgasm. Adam got to his feet, a cheeky grin across his face and Taylor desperately wanted to punch him for it. “Not so straight after all, huh?” Taylor gritted his teeth and got his pants pulled up and buttoned in record time. 

“Fuck you.” He hissed at the man before darting out of the bathroom. He was almost out the door before he remembered he needed to close his tab. He groaned and went back inside, cringing away from every person who was in his path. He was not gay, dammit, fuck Adam for thinking one blowjob actually meant anything about his sexuality. A blowjob was a blowjob, it was bros helping bros, it didn’t mean anything!

He paid his tab and practically ran to his car, getting into the driver’s seat and peeling out of the parking spot. He made it home in record time and locked himself in his bathroom as soon as he got downstairs. He took two pills and ground them up on the counter before snorting them, desperate for something, anything, to make him forget that night. He got into the shower, needing yet again to wash off the memories of the night, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how amazing it had felt to be with someone again. The blowjob was the best one he had ever gotten, and that was saying something because he was used to getting them a lot from whatever girl he was sleeping with that week. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was a guy who did it and who better to give an awesome blowjob than another guy right? They know what they like, so they can apply it to the other person.

He banged his forehead against the shower wall and cursed himself. How could he be so fucking stupid? He wasn’t a fucking fag, he didn’t like guys, he didn’t want to have gay sex with a gay man, so he couldn’t be fucking gay! So what if he enjoyed it? He had imagined it was a chick the whole time, so that made it okay. 

_Except you didn’t imagine a chick the whole time._ Great, Taylor’s subconscious had decided to chime in. _He tried to make it go away, but it wouldn’t stop. You thought about Zac the whole time, wondering if he had ever given another guy head while on his knees in a gay bar, wondering if he knew how to do that thing with his tongue, and it was his face you were thinking about when you came._ He growled and pulled at his hair, desperate to make his brain shut up. He didn’t think about Zac, he didn’t think about anyone, he just enjoyed the moment for what it was and it was over, so he didn’t need to think about it anymore!

Except his dick had other plans because just the thought of the blowjob had made him hard again and he wanted to scream from frustration. He gripped his dick and pulled at it angrily, not caring that it hurt just a little more than he normally liked. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think about a woman, any woman, but the only face he could see was Zac’s, and he hated himself for it. He imagined punching his brother, kicking him, making him pay for what he was doing to his brain, but then he imagined Zac’s lips wrapped around his cock and he exploded, a loud groan echoing around him as he shot his second load of the night onto the shower walls. He took a second to regain his composure and finished up in the shower, so much hatred for himself and hatred for his little brother welling up inside of him. He was normal, it was all Zac’s fault that he was even thinking this way in the first place. 

He finally lay down in bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to imagine all of the ways he would kill Zac if he could, but before he drifted off to sleep, he had a flash of the two of them as kids, laying in his bed and giggling the night away. When did life become so complicated?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)  
> 

It had been a week since Zac had spotted Taylor at the gay bar, and it was clear that not only was Zac avoiding Taylor, but Taylor was avoiding him right back. Despite sharing the small basement apartment, Zac had barely seen Taylor at all in the seven days that had passed. They moved around each other like ships in the night, mostly unseen, but when they did have the misfortune to end up in the same room together, one or both of them acted like the other wasn’t there. 

Zac had taken to spending his early afternoons at the library, basking in the quiet and the solitude. He’d stay there most days until he was sure it was about the time Taylor was usually clear of the house, working himself up to learning to live with the feeling of misery he felt at the fact that he was spending most of his time consciously placing himself away from the person he considered his best friend in the world. He searched for jobs around Tulsa that he actually felt qualified to work, but was still coming up short, Historian apparently a very small profession with limited spots. He’d yet to hear back from the numerous places he’d put applications in, and he tried hard to avoid thinking about how if he weren’t even good enough to work at Foot Locker, maybe Taylor had been right about him. 

He was scrolling down Craigslist job postings, a last ditch effort to find something, anything, where he could bring in some cash when his phone trilled loudly from his pocket. He caught the person at the table next to him shoot him a dirty look and he quietly apologized, pulling his phone out of his pocket and quieting it. Piper’s name glowing up at him from the screen pulled a smile onto his face and he shut his laptop, picking it up and pushing himself out of his chair. 

When he made it out of the doors of the library he accepted the call and placed the phone to his ear, unable to contain his happiness.

“Holy shit, Miss. Big Shot Historian, hi!” Piper’s airy laughed filled his ear and he couldn’t help but laugh a little himself.

“How’s it going out in Oklahoma, you tipping a lot of cows?”

“You can’t actually tip a cow, Pipes,” Zac chuckled again. “I was starting to think you’d forgotten about me.”

“The phone works both ways, you know.”

“I know,” Zac sighed. “Things have been weird here.”

“Taylor?” Piper’s voice took on a slight edge and Zac smiled at how protective of him his friend had always been.

“Yeah, it’s nothing I didn’t expect. He’s not happy that I’m here. We’ve had a few fights. My parents made us chop down a tree as some kind of weird bonding ritual, and that backfired. I actually punched him.”

“What?” Piper crowed. “ _You_ punched someone?”

“I know,” Zac laughed. “He really riled me up.”

“Well, hopefully what I’m about to tell you will cheer you up.”

“Well, don’t leave me waiting, what is it?”

“Ahem, drumroll, please?”

Zac laughed again and then did his best to imitate a drumroll with his mouth.

“Tomorrow at noon, you, my dear best friend, will be picking me up at the Tulsa International Airport.”

“What?! You’re joking?” Zac was suddenly smiling so hard that his face hurt. “You’re coming to Tulsa?”

“Yup! My job’s start got pushed back until next month, so I thought what else better to do than come see your sorry ass.”

“Well, I’m honored,” Zac said sarcastically. “How long are you staying?”

“Just a couple of days. Do you think I could crash with you?”

“Of course! I mean, I’ll have to check with my parents, but I’m sure it’s fine.”

“Awesome! I better go pack, I can’t wait to see you. It feels like it’s already been years.”

“I knew you’d be lost without me,” Zac grinned to himself as he unlocked his mom's car and slid behind the steering wheel. 

“Uh huh,” Piper laughed again. “Noon! Don’t be late!”

“I wouldn’t dream of leaving you waiting.”

“Good boy, see you tomorrow!” Piper made a kissing sound into the phone and then Zac heard the call disconnect. He tossed the phone down onto the passenger seat and put the car into drive, finally having something to be truly happy about.

 

Zac had practically raced home, excited to tell his mom that Piper was coming to visit, and hoping against hope that she’d be okay with her crashing at the house. He couldn’t come up with any good reason that Diana would have a problem with it, but stranger things had happened. He got out of the car and sprinted into the house, his good mood faltering slightly when he saw Taylor sitting across the kitchen table from their mother, the way his mouth hung open just slightly, Zac had a feeling he’d burst into the house while they were in mid-conversation.

“We’re not going to have to cut down any trees or anything, are we?” Zac lifted an eyebrow as he walked to the fridge and pulled out a can of Mountain Dew.

“Not today,” Diana laughed. “What are you all in a rush about?”

“Well, I wanted to talk to you about something but,” Zac glanced at Taylor and then back to his mom. “You seem busy.”

“No, come, sit,” Diana motioned towards the chair at the head of the table, right between her and Taylor.

Zac looked at the chair hesitantly before shaking his head and pulling it out. He sat down and placed his soda on the table in front of him, noticing how Taylor seemed to be overly interested in staring at the painting hanging on the wall opposite him.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Diana asked, causing Zac to move his eyes from Taylor back to her.

“You remember Piper?”

“Of course, your roommate. Wonderful girl, if a bit on the sarcastic side.” Diana smiled.

“Right, well, she called while I was at the library,” Zac heard Taylor snort low at the mention of where he’d been, but he shrugged it off. “And she surprised me by saying she’d coming to visit. She’ll be here at noon tomorrow, and we were wondering, if it’s not a problem, if she could stay here?”

“What?” Taylor finally spoke, looking at Diana, his eyebrows knitted together. “Here?”

Diana shot her son a look and then looked back at Zac.

“Of course she can, she’ll have to sleep in the basement with you, we’re fresh out of room, but I wouldn’t hear of her staying at a hotel.”

“You can’t be serious,” Taylor muttered, shaking his head and pushing his chair back.

“Taylor,” Diana’s voice held a warning, but he just shook his head again, walking out of the room. Diana let out a sigh and reached across the table, placing her hand on top of Zac’s. “Pay him no mind.”

“Mom,” Zac frowned slightly. “Was he-“ Zac shook his head, trying to find the words to ask what he wanted to know. “Happy? Before I got here?”

“I don’t think your brother has been truly happy in quite some time,” Diana shook her head sadly. “We’ve tried to get him to open up to us about it, but he wont. I was hoping with you coming back and you two being back together again, he’d talk to you.”

“I think I’m the last person he wants to talk to about anything,” Zac shrugged. 

“You guys will find your way back,” Diana smiled, patting Zac’s hand and pushing her chair back. “Now, go downstairs and change those sheets so your friend doesn’t have to sleep in your filth.”

Zac smiled at his mom and nodded. He got up and walked towards the basement before stopping and turning back to his mother. 

“You’re the best, I don’t think we tell you enough.”

“You don’t,” she winked. “But, it’s okay, I know you believe it.”

 

Zac took the steps to the basement two at a time, determined to have a talk with Taylor about Piper coming to stay with them. He could semi-handle his brother being a dick to him, but he wouldn’t stand for him being a dick to his best friend. 

Zac knocked lightly on Taylor’s bedroom door and waited for him to tell him to fuck off, but when no reply came at all, he turned the knob and pushed the door open, surprised to find the room dark and bed empty. As he was pulling the door shut he heard the shower start up and realized that his brother was in the bathroom. 

He sat down on the couch and figured he had nothing better to do than wait on Taylor to finish showering. He ran through things in his head that he wanted to say to his brother, but all he kept coming up with was telling him to stop being such a colossal dick head. He figured that would do nothing to ensure that Taylor treated Piper with the hospitality their mother had taught them you treat a guest with, and he knew he had limited time to come up with something else.

When fifteen minutes went by and Zac could still hear the water running in the bathroom, he’d succumbed to the fact that he was going to have to beg Taylor to behave, and he was quite frankly tired of waiting on him to emerge from the bathroom to do so, so he got up off the couch and walked over to the the bathroom door, prepared to be screamed at by Taylor to get out, but not caring enough to convince himself to wait any longer.

Zac turned the knob and pushed the door open quietly, and as he was opening his mouth to say his brothers name, he heard it.

Taylor was letting out short little moans, one right after the other. They were breathy and low and they had almost a hint of whining laced into them. Zac held his breath as he looked around the door jamb towards the glass door of the shower. The door was frosted glass and full of steam, but that wasn’t enough to conceal the picture that was playing out in front of him.

Taylor had one palm against the tile wall of the shower, his head bent forward underneath the stream of water coming from the shower head. His other hand was wrapped around his dick, furiously pumping himself. 

Zac knew he should shut the door, walk away from the bathroom and pretend that he’d never seen this. He knew he should close his eyes, erase the image from his mind, but he was frozen in place, a brick forming in his throat. 

Taylor let out a couple of curse words, his hand moving faster over himself. Zac could see that his eyes were squeezed shut and his chest was heaving as he stroked himself, his moans growing just slightly louder. Zac felt himself growing hard and he bit down on his lower lip to stop any sounds from leaving his mouth. What was happening? Why couldn’t he look away? Why was he so transfixed on his brother pleasuring himself that he literally couldn’t will his limbs to move?

He watched as Taylor stroked himself a few more times before a low growl left his lips and he shot his load onto the floor of the shower. Zac knew he had to move, if he didn’t he’d be caught, and God knows what Taylor would do to him if he looked over and saw Zac standing there. He pulled the door shut silently and squeezed his eyes shut. He was painfully hard and the images of Taylor behind his eyelids weren’t helping him any. He shook his head, attempting, and failing, to shake away the sight of Taylor. He knew it was a lost cause as he made his way back upstairs, shouting to his mom that he had to run out and he’d be back soon.

 

Zac didn’t even realize he was driving back to Club Majestic until he’d parked the car and opened the door to get out of it. 

He entered the club, the mass of bodies not surprising him this time, and walked straight to the bar, asking the bartender for a beer and two shots of tequila. If he couldn’t will the images of Taylor in his mind to be gone, he’d drink them away. 

 

With the tequila inside of him and most of his beer gone, he felt that fuzzy feeling seeping in and as he looked around the bar area he realized that he was looking for someone specific. 

Adam.

Zac scanned every face he could find, but none of them were the one he was looking for, and he felt a pang of disappointment hit him. He was starting to understand why people were so obsessed with sex and all that came along with it. Maybe it was like potato chips, once you have it once…

He could practically feel Adam’s lips on him the way they’d been last week and he felt himself growing hard again, signaling the bartender for another beer. He drank it in record time and then settled his tab, resigning himself to going home, hoping that Taylor wasn’t there. If he didn’t take care of the ever growing ache in his pants he was worried that a part of him he’d like to avoid feeling any pain was going to explode. 

 

Zac pushed the door open and stepped outside, not watching where he was going and walked directly into something solid. His eyes trailed up and landed on a familiar face.

“I was looking for you,” he blushed a little when his voice came out slightly slurred, the man whose hand had landed on his lower back when he’d collided into him grinning.

“I knew you’d come back.”

“I wouldn’t usually be so forward,” Zac drawled. “But, um, I-“

“You want a round two?” Adam’s grin grew wider, his arm around Zac’s waist tightening a little bit, pulling him so he was pressed against the man. “Oh, I feel that. You _definitely_ want a round two.”

Zac nodded, feeling his blush grow deeper. Adam leaned his head down, his free hand landing on the back of Zac’s neck, his lips landing on Zac’s. Zac let Adam part his lips with his tongue, and then let out a groan when Adam’s teeth dragged against his bottom lip. 

Zac was fully hard again and he pushed his hips forward into Adam’s, moaning into the other man's mouth at the friction the contact caused. He pulled his face away and his eyes dropped to Adam’s lips.

“I need-“ he started.

“I know what you need,” Adam replied, unwrapping his arm from Zac’s waist and grabbing his hand. “Come on.”

He started leading Zac towards an alleyway and Zac shook his head, pulling on Adam’s hand lightly.

“No, I have a car.”

“Whatever you want,” Adam shrugged, letting Zac lead him towards his parked car.

Zac unlocked the doors and opened the drivers side, dropping himself into the seat and pulling the lever to make it slide back away from the steering wheel. Adam barely shut the passenger door behind him before his hands were on Zac, unbuttoning his jeans, pulling his erection through the hole in his boxers.

“I-“ Zac started, prepared to tell him he was willing to repay the favor this time, but before he could get the words out, the other man's mouth was on him, his head bobbing up and down quickly.

Zac leaned his head back against the headrest, both of his hands falling onto Adam’s head, his fingers tangling into his hair. A shockwave rumbled through Zac’s body when his eyes fell shut, Taylor’s face twisted up with pleasure dancing around behind his eyelids. 

 

\--

 

The next week went by in a blur of pills, drinking, and managing to find a new job. It wasn’t anything major, just delivering pizza a few afternoons a week, but it helped him feel like less of a lost cause… For the time being anyway. It gave him extra money to drink away at the very least. He rarely saw Zac, for which he was not at all sad about, and when they did see each other, he just turned his head and acted like his little brother didn’t exist. It worked out fine and well for everyone involved; at least there weren’t any more fist fights. 

Delivering pizza wasn’t as easy as someone might think it would be – he had to deal with asshole customers, getting lost trying to find a place, and making sure he had enough change with him to be able to break a $20 a couple of times. His tips weren’t that good either, but they were enough to score some pills and go to the bar. He walked into the house and almost groaned out loud when he saw Diana sitting at the dining room table. She looked as though she was waiting for him, which she confirmed when she smiled and pointed at the chair next to her. He screwed up his face in protest, but sat at the table anyway, though not next to her, but across the table. 

“Good afternoon, sweetie. How was work?” Diana propped her elbow onto the table and leaned forward onto it, looking genuinely interested in what he had to say. He shrugged and gave a noncommittal grunt.

“It was fine. Only got lost once today, and got decentish tips, so I guess it was good.” He looked down at the table and ran a finger along the wood grain, wishing he could be anywhere but there. 

“That’s great, Tay, I’m happy to hear that!” She paused and looked down at her hand for a second before looking back up. “Taylor, will you look at me please?” He brought his head up so that he could look her into the eye and she smiled brightly. “Are you happy, honey? Like, truly happy? Ever since Zac has been back, you’re in a constant bad mood and I’m really worried about you.” Taylor snorted and shook his head.

“I’m fine, mom. You know Zac and I don’t get along, him moving back here after four years isn’t going to make us best friends or anything.” He bit his lower lip and hunched his shoulders forward, avoiding answering her question. 

“Alright, well, I’m not going to pretend to understand why you two seem to dislike each other so much, but you didn’t answer my question. Are you happy now?” He had to hold back a groan and clenched his eyes shut. Why the hell did she have to do this? What made her choose that moment to decide to become his therapist?

“Mom, I’m fine!” He slapped his hands down on the table, surprising himself, as well as his mother. He didn’t mean to react physically, but he really just needed to her to believe what he was saying because he could not get into it with her. Not right then, hopefully not ever. Diana simply looked at him with a knowing look on her face and before he knew it, he started to talk. “I-I guess I’m not really fine.” He admitted. “I feel like I got lost in this life somewhere along the line, like I was supposed to have a path to follow, but then somehow I got turned around and I’m just some idiot that lives at home with his parents at 24 years old. How embarrassing is th-. “ The front door opened and he whipped his head to look down the hall. Zac came waltzing in like he owned the place and he clammed up immediately. No way was he going to let him know anything about what he was feeling.

 

As soon as he made it to the basement, Taylor booked it for the bathroom. Working all day had left him sweaty and gross and he needed a shower before heading out to the bar to drink away his earnings. He threw back a couple pills before stripping down and getting in the shower, letting the hot water drip down his back. 

As he stood under the shower head, he closed his eyes and thought back to the previous week when he had gone to Club Majestic. He had tried not to spend too much time remembering what had happened for fear of thinking too much into what the whole situation had meant, but at that moment, with his eyes closed, all he wanted to think about was how good Adam’s mouth felt on his dick. He was half-hard almost instantly and he gripped his shaft with one hand, placing the other on the wall for support. He started pumping up and down, recalling the feeling of Adam’s tongue running along his dick, how he licked at the head and collected the pre-come before sinking back down until Taylor was moaning for more. 

He groaned and picked up the speed of his hand, letting his head fall forward into the water as he imagined that Adam was there, taking him in until his head hit the back of his throat. A few more jerks and he moaned loudly, his come falling to the floor of the shower. It took a minute for him to get himself collected again and he finished up quickly, suddenly needing a drink more than he realized. 

The drive downtown felt shorter than normal and he pulled into a spot down the street from Caz’s. As he walked down the sidewalk, he saw someone sitting in the driver’s seat of a car, but their head was thrown back and with a glance down, Taylor saw someone’s head in his lap. Holy fuck, he was watching someone get a blowjob in a car! He kept walking forward, but glanced over at the car when he was about to pass it and almost tripped over air when he realized that the person receiving said blow job was Zac. 

What the fuck.

He almost stopped walking, but luckily had enough sense to keep going, not wanting to get caught being a peeping tom. Not only that, but he didn’t want to watch his brother get head! The stirrings he was feeling in his stomach were left over from his shower session, obviously, and so what if he thought it was hot? He didn’t think Zac was hot, he was imagining himself in his brother’s position, getting what looked to be an awesome blow job. That’s all it was. 

When he reached the crosswalk, instead of crossing the street to head to Caz’s, he crossed the other way, heading to Club Majestic. It was only for curiosity sake, truly. It was a Friday night after all, maybe the atmosphere inside would be different than it had been on a Thursday? He walked in and headed to the bar, but not before taking in the wild scene in front of him. Even more people were there, wearing less clothing, though Taylor didn’t know how that was possible, and the music was blasting from the speakers. Everyone was writhing around the dance floor and it was hard to tell where one person stopped and the other began. As he sat down, he ordered two shots of tequila and a beer, needing to be way more drunk than he was. He had taken the shots quickly and started on the beer when someone sat down on the chair next to him. 

It was Adam.

“Hey stranger!” Adam smiled brightly and leaned in, giving Taylor a quick hug before he realized what was going on. “Fancy seeing you here, I wasn’t too sure you’d be back after your dramatic exit last time.” Taylor blushed involuntarily and shook his head. 

“It’s a good atmosphere in here. I can be here without being gay, ya know.” He took a couple of long pulls from his beer before setting it back down again. He was starting to feel the shots effect, going without food all day really left him as a lightweight, and he leaned in to the other man, whispering in his ear. “I can also get a blow job from another guy without being gay too, if you’re up for round two.” Adam was up from the chair almost before Taylor was done talking and grabbed his hand. He couldn’t help but let out a little laugh, it was kind of fun to see someone be so eager about giving a blow job.

They took the same stall as the previous time, only this time, Taylor pushed Adam up against the wall and smashed their lips together. He licked into his mouth, moaning at the feeling of the other man’s tongue, the taste exhilarating. He grew hard and rolled his hips into the other man’s, eliciting a groan from him. “Fuck, let’s do this.” Taylor groaned as he took a step back and leaned against the wall. Adam wasted no time in undoing his jeans and pulling them down enough to free his cock from his briefs. He bit his lower lip, hard, as Adam took him into his mouth all at once. He thrust his hips forward without thinking, but Adam didn’t seem to notice. He reached down with one hand and curled his fingers into his hair, gripping it lightly. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, visions of Zac’s face while in his car getting a blow job clouding his mind. He tried to push them away, tried to think of someone else, but the look on his brothers face was one of pure ecstasy and he couldn’t get it out of his mind. 

A few more minutes of Adam’s mouth and Taylor was ready to blow. “I’m close.” He managed to warn him before thrusting his hips forward and coming for the second time that day. He sagged against the wall and tried to catch his breath. Adam got to his feet and kissed his neck once, then twice, making his way up to his mouth, where Taylor turned his head away, denying him a kiss on the lips. “You just had your mouth on my dick, gross.” He screwed up his face and leaned down to pull his pants back up. When he looked back up, the other man was leaning against the stall wall, unbuttoning his pants. “Wooah, what are you doing?” Taylor put a hand up between them, needing to have a physical barrier between them.

“What? You got me all worked up twice in a week now and you’ve been taken care of. Don’t you think it’s my turn?” Taylor screwed up his face in disgust and shook his head violently. 

“I don’t know where the fuck you got that idea from, I’m not putting your dick in my mouth!” Adam snorted and kept working on his own pants. 

“You also said you weren’t gay, genius, yet here we are again.” Taylor felt his face turn red and he took a step forward into Adam’s personal space. 

“I am NOT gay.” He brought one hand up and slammed it against the wall next to the other man’s head. “I’m not fucking gay.” He said again, though he even had to admit it sounded a little bit weak. He took a step back and took a deep breath before he simply shook his head and stormed out of the bathroom stall.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)   
> 

Morning came too soon and Zac could feel his head pounding the second he opened his eyes. He wasn’t a drinker - this was something that everyone, including himself, knew about him, so why he thought he should go to a club and pound a couple of shots and down some beers was beyond him. Especially when he hadn’t eaten almost anything the day before, getting lost in his desire to just not be at home. 

Zac pulled himself off of the pullout couch and looked around the room. If Taylor was home, Zac couldn’t tell by the always closed bedroom door. It was quiet, not even footsteps from upstairs sounding above his head. He walked to the bathroom and shut the door behind him, pushing his boxers off and starting the shower. He had a couple of hours before he had to pick up Piper at the airport and he’d like to spend as many of them as he could away from Taylor, thank you very much. 

As soon as Zac stepped underneath the hot water pouring from the shower head he saw Taylor standing in that very spot the day before, his eyes closed, face twisted up a little bit in pleasure, his hand wrapped around himself. Zac could feel himself growing just slightly hard and he shook his head.

 _Think about puppies_ , he thought to himself, but it didn’t help, the memory of Adam’s mouth on him the night before flooding his brain. When he let his eyes fall closed, his hand wrapping around himself, he saw Taylor on his knees below him, his perfect pink lips stretched out over Zac’s dick. It took less than a minute for the image to send Zac into an orgasm unlike any he’d ever had before and when he was finished, he rested his forehead against the cool tile wall, his shoulders shuddering.

_What is wrong with you? He’s your brother._

 

Zac was leaning against the wall in baggage claim when he finally saw her. Piper and her flaming red hair, practically running towards him, causing the biggest smile Zac had worn since he’d returned to Tulsa to break out over his face. 

“Finally!” He laughed into her hair as she jumped into his arms.

“That was the smallest plane I’ve ever been on in my life,” Zac placed her back on her feet and she shook her head. “I wasn’t sure we were going to make it a few times.”

“But look, you did,” he smiled down at her. “I don’t even want to know how many bags we’re waiting for.”

“Just one,” she grinned, mock punching him in the arm. “So how are things with Taylor, anyway?”

Zac sighed, leaning back against the wall.

“Not getting any better, I don’t think there's much hope for us to reconcile at this point.”

“Will I be meeting him soon? Oh, look, there’s my bag,” Piper pointed at a teal suitcase that had just appeared on the belt.

“I got it,” Zac walked towards the baggage carousel and plucked Piper’s bag from it, lifting it’s handle and rolling it back towards her. “You’ll meet him soon, I forgot to tell you, we’re sharing the basement. He’s thrilled to have me in his space.”

Piper and Zac walked out of the airport and towards the car, Zac pulling her suitcase behind him.

“This is us,” he popped the trunk of his mother’s car and lifted the suitcase into it, opening Piper’s door for her.

“What a gentleman,” she grinned, getting into the car.

“So, what’s new and exciting with you? I feel like I’ve missed so much in your life,” Piper said a few minutes into the drive.

“Well, aside from my brother hating my guts and my parents thinking physical labor would somehow fix that…” Zac shrugged, shooting a grin at Piper. “I can’t find a job, I feel pretty useless, like all of that money to get my degree was pretty much just thrown in a trashcan and lit on fire. The only thing that's happened that even warrants talking about since I’ve been home-“ Zac trailed off, looking over at Piper and then back out at the road. “I don’t really want to talk about.”

“What?” Piper reached forward and turned the already low volume the radio was playing at down until it was completely off. “No, now you have to tell me. Spill.”

“Well,” Zac ran a hand through his hair, trying to find the most PG way to explain Adam to his friend. “I kind of… hooked up with a guy.”

“Hooked- what?! You? Mr. I don’t want to meet anybody, I’m practically a priest with how virginal I am?” Zac looked over and Piper’s eyes were wide, a small smile on her face. “Tell me _everything_ ”

“There’s not much to tell. Last week an old friend asked me to go out and get some drinks, so we went to this club…a gay club.”

“You went to a gay club? For drinks? Are you someone completely different in Oklahoma?” Piper was laughing, and Zac realized that she was right. He’d never been the club kind of guy, or even the drinking kind of guy, but he’d found himself to be that exact kind of guy twice in just one week since being home. 

“I guess so,” Zac shrugged, laughing softly. “Anyway, so we go to this club and we’re having a good time and then Nick - my friend - got called away, so I’m sitting at the bar all by myself. I was going to just finish my beer and leave, but this guy sat down next to me and I don’t even know what happened. Pipes, the way he was looking at me, like he just _wanted_ me…it was…”

“It turned you on,” Piper finished for him when he couldn’t seem to find the words, and it reminded him why she was his best friend.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “He brought me into the bathroom and he, he um-“ Zac motioned towards his crotch with his hand, his cheeks heating up.

“You got a blowjob in the bathroom!” Piper shrieked, clapping her hands together. “Holy shit, Zac!”

“I know,” he breathed. “And it was good, I guess I didn’t know what I was missing.”

Piper nodded knowingly, and Zac couldn’t help but wonder just how experienced she was. He knew that she’d hooked up with a few guys throughout college, but she never seemed to find - or want - anything serious. Despite being close and sharing almost everything, it was just something they’d never really talked too much about. 

“So, what else happened?” 

“Nothing,” Zac shrugged. “When he finished…you know…he just got up and left, telling me if I wanted a round two I knew where to find him.”

“Wow, it doesn’t get more casual than that,” Piper grinned. “So, do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Want a round two?”

“Well, that’s the thing,” Zac couldn’t help but grin. “I went back for a round two already.”

“What?!” Piper was practically radiating with surprise and excitement. Zac nodded.

“Last night, after I talked to you I went back to the club. I didn’t even mean to go back, or to seek him out, but I was-“ he realized then that he couldn’t tell her what had spurned him to go to the club, she wouldn’t understand. Hell, he didn’t even understand. “I guess I was just looking for excitement, or something. I got there and I had a few drinks and before I knew it I was looking for him.”

“You have a crush,” Piper laughed as Zac turned onto his street.

“That’s the thing, I don’t really. I mean, he’s attractive and…he made me feel good, but there isn’t really anything else there. I don’t even know anything about him.”

“But, you could. You could get to know him.”

“I don’t think I even really want to,” he shrugged. “I was a little drunk and I think I was just looking for that high again.”

“So what happened this time?”

“The same thing, except we did it in the car.”

“ _This_ car?”

“Yeah,” Zac blushed, turning into the driveway and frowning when he saw Taylor’s car parked there.

“Good lord,” Piper breathed. “Did you…you know, do it back?”

“No,” Zac shook his head. “He didn’t even ask me to, he just did it, kissed me and got out of the car. I kind of think he might just like hooking up with random guys. The first night, as I was leaving the club, I saw him leading another guy to the bathroom.”

The image of Adam’s hand on Taylor’s back as they walked down the stairs flashed into Zac’s mind and he couldn’t help but wonder what exactly had been going on. Taylor hated Zac for being gay, what was he even doing in that club? Zac hated the fact that their relationship had become so severed that he couldn’t even ask him.

“So, what? He’s a serial blowjob giver?” Piper snorted and Zac chuckled. 

“I guess so.”

 

When Zac led Piper into the house, Diana turned from her place at the sink and shut the faucet off, tossing her dishrag down onto the counter.

“Piper!” She smiled, breezing over and wrapping the girl in a hug. “It’s been too long, welcome to our home.”

“Thanks for letting me stay, Mrs. Hanson,” Piper smiled.

“Diana is fine, dear,” Diana smiled, leaning up against the kitchen table. “Do you kids have any plans for the evening?”

“Nothing yet,” Zac shrugged, opening the fridge and grabbing two drinks, passing one to Piper.

“Unfortunately, your father and I have to go out for a while, but why don’t you show Piper the town? Take her out somewhere fun. Taylor will drive you since we have the car.”

“What?” Zac made a face, shaking his head at his mother. “There’s no way Taylor wants to do anything with us.”

“Well, he doesn’t have a choice, does he?”

“Mom, I’d rather not make things worse betwe-“

“Zachary,” Diana spoke sharply and Zac winched a little. The full first name was never a good sign. “This has gone on long enough and the two of you are going to be friends whether you like it or not. Your father and I are tired of watching you two walk around this house on eggshells. I think having Piper here might do you some good, add a fresh face into the mix. Maybe you can both let loose and have a little bit of fun.”

Zac nodded, knowing there was no use fighting his mother once she had her mind made up about something. It didn’t help the nerves that were settling in on him from growing at the thought of being stuck with Taylor for the night. 

 

A handful of hours later, Zac was sitting on a barstool in between Taylor and Piper, a cold beer in his hand going down like lead. He wasn’t made for drinking two nights in a row and he didn’t really like the idea of making a habit of it, but he was determined to have at least a decent time despite being stuck with Mr. Pouts-a-lot sitting next to him. 

“So, Taylor,” Piper leaned on the bar and craned her head around Zac to look at Taylor. “What do you do for work?”

“Just delivering pizzas right now,” Taylor didn’t even look at her, lifting his beer to his mouth once he’d finished answering.

“Sounds thrilling,” Piper grinned. 

“Pays the bills,” Taylor shrugged. “I’m gonna get a shot of tequila, you guys want one?”

Zac was thrown by the offer. Taylor had done his best to not even look at him since they’d left the house, never mind offer him a drink.

“Uh, sure,” Zac didn’t particularly want any amount of tequila, but if it meant bridging the gap between him and Taylor, he’d do it. 

“Count me in,” Piper said, finishing off her beer. “It’s been so long since I’ve let my hair down and got a little drunk.”

“Well, you’re a big shot historian, of course you don’t have the time for peon things like getting drunk,” Zac chuckled and he saw Taylor roll his eyes out of the corner of his. 

“Lime?” Taylor’s eyes flitted to Piper quickly as he signaled the bartender over.

“Sure.”

Taylor ordered four shots of tequila, mumbling ‘an extra for me,’ when Piper questioned the number. 

They did their shots, Taylor throwing both of his back before Zac and Piper had even had the time to shoot their one.

“I’m gonna go find the bathroom,” Taylor mumbled before pushing his stool back and walking away.

The mention of Taylor and bathroom made Zac flash back to seeing Adam’s hand on his back again and he felt his cheeks grow hot when that lead to the image of Adam’s lips wrapped around Taylor the way they’d been wrapped around him. 

“He really is morose, huh?” Piper’s voice thankfully shook Zac out of his disintegrating thoughts of Taylor’s head thrown back in pleasure as Adam swallowed his cock.

“Yeah,” Zac shook his head. “I think I need to use the bathroom, too.”

“It’s okay, I’ll just stay here, alone and abandoned,” Piper grinned, nudging Zac’s knee with her own.

“I’ll be right back,” he smiled, patting her on the head.

Zac took the stairs down to the bathrooms two at a time, but before he reached the small hallway leading to them he heard Taylor’s harsh voice ringing through the air, so he stopped walking, leaning against the wall.

“Not tonight, my brother is here.”

“So? I don’t see him here with us,” Zac knew that voice.

“He could come down here at any time,” Taylor hissed. 

“He wont, come on babe, it’ll be fast.”

“Don’t call me babe,” Taylor’s voice was agitated but dripping with something Zac couldn’t exactly put his finger on it. Maybe it was lust. Zac felt his eyes growing wide as he realized exactly what was transpiring just a few short feet away from him. 

“I know, I know, you’re not gay,” Adam’s voice was low. “But you sure do like it when your dicks in my mouth.”

Zac felt his heart start beating in double time. Did Adam go down on Taylor the same night he’d gone down on him the first time? The thought of it, Adam’s mouth on Taylor with hints of Zac still lingering in it, made him grow a little hard and he cursed himself, tried to make himself turn around and walk away from what was unfolding in front of him, but he couldn’t. 

“I’m not fucking gay,” Taylor responded and then Zac heard a low moan reverberate around the hallway. He tilted his head just a little bit so he could see what was happening, and his eyes grew even wider when he saw that Adam had Taylor against the wall at the back of the hallway, his hand moving over Taylor’s jean clad dick. 

“Feels good though, doesn’t it?” Adam spoke and Zac moved his head back so it was out of view. “Come on, Taylor, I want you, and I can tell you want me.”

“Fine,” Taylor breathed. “But it has to be fast.”

“I knew you’d give in.”

Zac heard the heavy door of the bathroom push open and he slowly walked towards it. He couldn’t believe what was happening before him. He’d had an idea the night he saw Adam with Taylor that something was up, but he’d pushed it down, thinking that it was way too far fetched. Taylor, who hated him _because_ he was gay, couldn’t possibly be hooking up with a gay man in a gay bar. It was impossible. But, there he was, just on the other side of the door. Zac heard a stall door slam closed and he slowly pushed the bathroom door open and stepped inside, making for the stall two down from where he could see Taylor and Adam’s feet. He shut himself in and leaned against the wall, not even sure what he was doing there. 

“There’s someone in here,” he heard Taylor whisper, the unmistakable sound of a zipper being pulled down following his words. 

“So what? Everyone hooks up in here,” Adam responded, and judging by the ‘fuck’ Taylor let out next Zac was sure that, just as he’d done to him twice before, Adam had taken Taylor into his mouth. 

Taylor was moaning, slightly louder each time and Zac could feel his slight erection turn into a full grown hard on. The sounds he was making were different than the ones Zac had heard him make when he was in the shower and he could picture him up against the wall, head thrown back. 

“God damn it,” Taylor hissed out.

“You like having your cock sucked,” Adam’s voice rang out and Zac saw him behind his eyelids knelt down in front of Taylor, looking up at him.

“I’m picturing someone else,” Taylor mumbled and Adam chuckled.

“Fine by me.”

The long, throaty growl Zac heard next let him know that Taylor’s cock was back in Adam’s mouth. Zac’s fingers landed on the button of his jeans, undoing them quickly and pushing them to the floor. His hand was wrapped around his dick and he was stroking himself before even fully realizing what he was doing. With every sound Taylor made, Zac’s stomach tightened a little more, a wave of hate for himself over how turned on he was over hearing his brother get blown settling down on him. 

The unmistakable sound of Taylor’s orgasm ripped through the bathroom and Zac bit down on his lip as his own orgasm took over, spilling from him into the toilet. Zac quickly zipped and buttoned his pants, suddenly feeling the need to flee the bathroom before Taylor realized that he was in there. 

He was all the way up the stairs before he slowed down, his steps becoming normal again. He slid onto his stool next to Piper and immediately signaled the bartender for another beer.

“I thought you got lost,” Piper said, picking her own beer up and taking a sip.

“I think I did,” Zac looked at her, wanting so badly to tell her what had been happening to him, the way seeing and hearing Taylor in positions he should never see or hear Taylor in had been messing with his head, turning him into a voyeur, making him feel a little bit like a pervert. He knew he couldn’t. She might be his best friend, and she might understand almost everything about him, but he was sure she’d never understand _that_. 

 

\---

 

Taylor rushed out of the bathroom as soon as his pants were pulled up and went straight to the bar. “We need to go. Now.” He said to Zac and Piper, looking behind his shoulder. Adam walked by and laughed a little. Taylor looked at Zac and saw his face turn red, and then turned back to Adam. What… He shook his head, not wanting to know what was going on, he just needed to get the hell out of there. The last thing he needed was to have someone say something that might clue his brother in on the fact that he had been regularly hooking up with someone at the club for the past few weeks. 

“What’s got your panties so in a bunch?” Piper questioned, but Zac simply threw cash on the bar for their bill and walked out to the car. Taylor was surprised, he kind of expected a fight since they hasn’t been there too long, but he wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth. 

The ride home was quiet, luckily, as Taylor needed all of his energy in order to focus on driving them home and getting them there safely. He wasn’t as drunk as he normally was, but with two other people in the car, he didn’t want to chance getting into an accident. He pulled into the driveway and led the way back inside. Their parents were still gone, luckily, and Taylor made it to the basement bathroom in record time; a nice hot shower was exactly what he needed before getting into bed. 

When he was done, he popped a couple of pills, towel dried his hair, and got dressed before heading into the living space. The sight of Piper and Zac making the sofa bed up with clean sheets tugged at his heart. He couldn’t really figure out what the emotion was that he was feeling… Was it jealousy? Jealous over what though? He didn’t even know Piper, so why would he be jealous of his little brother for getting to sleep in the same bed as her? It’s not like they would be fooling around or anything. 

“I’m gonna head upstairs and make a snack. Piper, you want anything?” Zac headed up the stairs after she declined and Taylor saw his chance. He made his way over to the sofa bed and sat down on the edge, across from Piper. 

“Thanks for coming out with us tonight. I know the last thing you wanted to do after travelling all day was head to some stupid club.” He smiled and leaned into the middle of the bed, closing the gap between them. Piper laughed and shook her head. 

“Well, I don’t really think I had a choice in the matter, your mom seemed pretty determined to get the two of you out of the house together. Where else would I go?” Taylor shrugged in agreement. 

“Yeah, mom can be a total hard ass when she wants to be. It’s better to just play along with whatever she wants than it is to try to talk her out of something. Less painful for everyone involved.” Piper snorted a little as she laughed and Taylor gave her a questioning look. 

“Oh, sorry, I was just remembering the conversation Zac and I had after he kicked your ass. That’s what you were referring to when you said less painful, right?” Taylor felt his face go a little red, but he smiled over at her anyway. 

“I don’t think it’s entirely accurate to say that he kicked my ass. He got a few good hits in, and so did I. Neither of us died, so it’s not like we did much damage.” Piper rolled her eyes, but he noticed she couldn’t keep a smile off of her face. She really was beautiful, even more so when she was smiling and giving him shit. He reached out and ran a finger down her arm, stopping when it reached her hand. He placed it on top of hers and looked down at them. 

“What are you doing?” Piper asked, her voice dropping in volume. Taylor looked back up at her and bit his lower lip. 

“You’re beautiful.” He stated simply before leaning in to kiss her. He honestly expected to get pushed away, he was hitting on Zac’s best friend for crying out loud, but when their lips met and she leaned into him, he knew he had her. He opened his mouth and ran his tongue along her lips, groaning a little when she allowed him to enter. He pushed her back up against the back of the sofa and settled between her legs, bringing a hand up to cup her breast. 

A moan came out of her mouth at the touch and Taylor felt his cock twitch, the sound reminding him of how Adam had sounded earlier in the might. He pushed the thought out of his head as he deepened their kiss, desperate to erase any memories of that night from his mind. He rolled his hips down into Piper’s lap and groaned at the sensation. She brought one hand up and laced it into his hair, pulling a little, like she knew exactly how he liked it. 

She deepened the kiss, pushing her tongue into his mouth, when suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder, pulling Taylor away from her. 

“What the fuck!” Zac stood next to the sofa bed, his arm still on Taylor’s shoulder, looking ready to punch him. Taylor smirked at him and shrugged.

“Sorry, bro, didn’t realize you’d be back down so soon.” He felt a slight victory at having made out with Zac’s best friend, no matter how screwed up it was. Zac clenched his fist, but didn’t say a word. He just dropped his hand from Taylor’s shoulder and stomped back up the stairs. He turned to look at Piper and rolled his eyes at the horrified look on her face. 

“Oh fuck.” She whispered before scrambling up off of the bed and practically running up the stairs after his little brother. 

“Goddammit.” He cursed to himself as he got off the sofa bed. He was hard for the second time that night, and he had really hoped to get off with someone who’s gender he was actually attracted to. He closed the door to his room sharply behind him, not caring that it was probably an overreaction on his part. He flopped down on to his bed and stared at the ceiling for a minute, remembering how good it felt to have lips wrapped around his dick. The blow job in the bathroom at the club was exactly what he had needed, no matter how scared he was of getting caught with Zac being there. Only, this time, it wasn’t Adam he had been thinking about while they hooked up. Instead, he was imagining that it was Zac on his knees in front of him, giving him an amazing blow job. The harder he had tried to push Zac’s face out of his mind, the more attractive the scene became until he blew his load, biting his tongue to hold back from calling out the wrong name. 

He suddenly realized that, as he was lost in his memory, his cock had gotten fully hard and he had pushed his boxers down, stroking himself to the thoughts already. He didn’t want to think about Zac, he wanted to think about Piper, about her amazing breasts and that thing she did with her tongue inside of his mouth, but the more he stroked himself, the more he imagined how hot Zac had looked in his car, head thrown back with lust. He bit his lower lip and pumped his dick even faster, feeling the heat in the pit of his stomach flare hotter and hotter until he came with a moan that sounded suspiciously like his little brother’s name.


	7. Chapter 7

“Zac, wait!” 

Piper called to Zac’s back as he made his way hastily through the kitchen towards the door. He couldn’t believe this, Piper, his best friend, actually made out with Taylor. He’d been all over her on that couch that now Zac would rather burn than sleep on. God knows how far Taylor would have taken things if Zac hadn’t walked in and actually physically pulled him away from her when he did. And the gall of him, the way he’d looked up at Zac afterwards, as if he’d just won some kind of fucking award. It was becoming clearer and clearer to Zac as the days went on, the brother that he knew and loved was dead. Taylor Hanson was a grade A, irredeemable douchebag. 

“Zac!” Piper finally caught up with him and grabbed him around his wrist before he could pull the door to the backyard open. “Zac, talk to me.”

“Talk to you?” He turned to face her, she looked like she was on the verge of crying, and he was having a hard time letting himself feel sorry for her. She should be crying. She knew what Taylor had been putting him through, she knew that when Zac had needed Taylor the most, he’d taken his heart and crushed it in his hands as if it were nothing. “How could you?”

“He said I was beautiful,” she whispered. “Do you know how long it’s been since someone told me that I was beautiful?”

“I’m sure a lot of people find you beautiful, did you have to choose my brother to be the one you let crawl in between your legs?”

“Zac, I was - am - drunk, I never would have kissed him back if I weren’t drunk. You have to know that.”

As soon as the words left her mouth, Zac realized all at once exactly how far Taylor was willing to go to hurt him. He’d taken Piper being drunk and used it to his advantage, he wasn’t interested in her, he was only interested in what would put him above Zac. Zac pulled Piper into his arms, hugging her tightly.

“I’m sorry,” he said into her hair. “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at him.”

She nodded against his chest and he planted a quick kiss to the top of her head before letting her go.

“Stay up here,” he spoke evenly, stepping around her and walking towards the basement stairs.

“What are you doing?”

“Just stay up here, please.”

Zac walked down the stairs and towards Taylor’s room. This had been going on long enough, it was becoming exhausting and now it seemed like Taylor was perfectly fine with using other people, people Zac cared about, to get underneath his skin. He wasn’t getting away with it, not anymore. 

He turned the knob and pushed the door open, his jaw dropping at the sight before him: Taylor splayed out on his bed, his fist wrapped around his dick, stroking himself as if the world were on fire. Less than two seconds passed before Zac heard it, a deep, wildly erotic sound.

“You said my name,” he whispered.

Taylor’s eyes popped open, meeting Zac’s. His mouth hung open and his cheeks were impossibly red, strands of hair stuck to his sweaty forehead. Zac took two steps into the room and repeated himself.

“No,” Taylor shook his head, flinging the blanket over his bottom half and sitting up.

“You did,” Zac nodded slightly. The world was spinning out of control, his temples throbbing. “You did, you said my name.”

“You’re crazy,” Taylor spat, all traces of pleasure gone from his voice, it morphing to pure anger. “You just want me to be _like you_ so you can feel better about yourself. Is that it? Not only are you a homo, but you want to fuck me too?”

Taylor’s voice hitched on the last few words that left his mouth and Zac felt his stomach turn over. 

“Is that why you took advantage of Piper?” Zac stepped closer to the bed until he was right next to it, looking down at Taylor. “Because you wanted to make yourself feel better about the fact that you come saying my name?”

“You’re crazy!” Taylor repeated. “Get the fuck out, Zac. Get out of my room and don’t fucking talk to me, not now, not ever!”

“Gladly,” Zac made for the door, but before he had even one foot out of it, Taylor’s next words stopped him in his tracks.

“You’re dead to me.”

He turned slowly to face Taylor, taking him in. The person he used to know was completely gone, he recognized almost nothing about the man before him. 

“Because I’m gay, or because you have your own issues to work through?” He spoke softly.

“My only issue is you, you and your perverted lifestyle. Why don’t you go and spread your faggotry somewhere else?”

“Faggotry isn’t a word, Taylor,” Zac sighed, shaking his head. 

“Fuck you,” Taylor spat. “Just get out.”

Zac shook his head again and turned, walking out of Taylor’s room, slamming his door behind him.

When he made it upstairs he found Piper sitting at the kitchen table, staring down at her hands.

“Come on,” he pulled her off the chair by her hand. 

“Where are we going?”

“Back to the club, I have to get out of here.”

 

They were sitting at the bar, laughing over a couple of beers and a story from when they were in their freshman year at Georgetown when Adam found them. He slung his arm around Zac’s shoulder, looking between him and Piper.

“Who’s your friend?”

“This is Piper, Piper this is Adam,” Zac motioned between them. 

“Are you the guy who sucked Zac’s dick in the bathroom stall?” Piper giggled, her words slightly slurred. It hadn’t taken much when they arrived back at the bar to level her right back up to full on drunk. 

“Telling people about our little rendezvous, Zac?” Adam laughed, leaning in a little more and whispering. “I was hoping we could have one right now.”

“No,” Zac shrugged Adam’s arm from around his shoulder and motioned at Piper. “I couldn’t leave her.”

“You could leave her,” Piper said, looking between the two men. “He’s hot, you should totally go fuck right now.”

“Piper,” Zac eye’d her. “I think maybe you’ve had enough to drink.”

“I think maybe you haven’t had enough!” Piper laughed, pushing Zac’s almost full beer towards him. 

“Listen to the girl, Zac,” Adam winked at Piper. 

“I couldn’t,” Zac shook his head. 

“Tell you what,” Adam stood up straight. “I’m going to go downstairs, I’ll be down there for a few minutes. If you meet me there, you meet me there. If not,” he shrugged, smiling. “Both of our losses, I guess.”

With that, Adam walked down to the other end of the bar. Zac watched as he asked the bartender for a shot, then again as he poured the shot back. He winked over at Zac before turning and making his way towards the stairs.

“You should go,” Piper smiled at him. 

“I don’t think so,” Zac sighed. “It feels wrong to leave you here to go-“ he shook his head. “Do whatever we’d do.”

“Don’t worry about me, it’s about time you got out there, found a guy.”

“I don’t think he’s looking for a guy,” Zac shrugged. “I think he’s just looking to hook up. I have a feeling I’m not the only guy in this bar that he does this with.”

“So?” Piper shrugged. “A little lovin’ never hurt anybody.”

Zac laughed, pushing Piper’s shoulder gently. Thoughts of what Taylor had said to him earlier were seeping back in, and he felt his face transform into a frown.

“Do you think it’s possible,” Zac leaned his elbow on the bar top, putting his chin in his hand. “That I could be, like, not gay...if I tried?”

“What?” Piper’s face screwed up and she shook her head. “No, that’s crazy.”

“It’d make so many things so much easier.”

“The only thing it would make easier is Taylor, and honestly, Zac? Fuck Taylor.”

“You might have done just that if I hadn’t come back when I had,” Zac smirked.

“Shut up!” She laughed. “Honestly, I wasn’t thinking, I’d probably have made out with you if you’d told me I was beautiful and leaned into me like that.”

“Maybe we should.”

“What?”

“Maybe we should kiss, maybe I just think I’m gay because I’ve never tried.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” Piper rolled her eyes, taking a sip of beer. “You’re letting Taylor get to you.”

“I’m just saying, it can’t hurt to try. And who better to kiss than your best friend?” Zac grinned, nudging her with his shoulder. 

Piper leaned in, her eyes were a little out of focus.

“If you really want to kiss me, just kiss me.”

“Yeah?” Zac laughed. “That’s so inviting.”

“I have to do everything around here,” Piper grinned. She took Zac’s chin in her hand and pulled his face to hers, smashing their lips together. They stayed still like that for a few seconds and then Piper’s lips began to move over Zac’s. She slowly parted his lips, her tongue moving against his. She kissed him like this for a minute and then drew back, placing one more quick peck to his lips before pulling back completely.

“Wow,” Zac said when they’d both opened their eyes. “That solves that, I am gay. Definitely gay.”

Piper laughed, leaning her head on Zac’s shoulder. He brought his hand up and ran his fingers through her hair.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.”

 

—-

 

If Taylor could go back in time and change anything about his life, he would change the interaction he had just had with Zac. He was caught in the act, terrified that someone had caught him, terrified that Zac had fucking caught him, saying his name while… Jacking off? God, that was like the ultimate worst case scenario, and he reacted like a wounded rabbit.

Or a complete asshole, he thought to himself. The words “You’re dead to me” kept rattling around his brain, making him feel more and more sick until he ended up running to the bathroom and throwing up everything he had consumed that day. Tears started mixing with the sweat already dripping down his face and once he was sure he was done being sick, he lay down on the floor of the bathroom, curled up in a ball. He let himself cry for a while, thinking about all of the words he had spoken to Zac since he had gotten home, and everything he had actually done since that time as well. He had always been rough around the edges, quick to get in a fight, but he had never been so… Hateful. Not until Zac came back, and as much as he wanted to blame it all on his little brother, he knew that the real problem wasn’t Zac – It was himself. He was the one wrong in the situation and he deserved to suffer every ounce of misery for anything and everything he had ever said to make Zac feel horrible. Was he really so different than him, like truly, was he at all?

He got up from the floor and almost laughed at the pathetic face he saw staring back at him. He grabbed a washcloth and scrubbed his face clean before brushing his teeth and looking back up at his reflection. He still saw the insecure little boy in his eyes, but once he gritted his teeth and narrowed his stare, that little boy was gone and Taylor was back. Hell yes he was different from Zac. He was stronger, more capable of dealing with all of the shit life had to throw at him, and no one could take that away from him. He let those thoughts bounce around in his head as he lay down on his bed, allowing them to lull him to sleep. 

\--

“Baby, are you okay?” Anna reached up to rub her hand over his cheek as he swore under his breath. He had spent the last week hanging out at Caz’s bar again, not going back to Club Majestic, and had picked up any and every girl with a pulse who was also willing to fuck him. Unfortunately, he seemed to be having a bit of an issue actually getting it up and grew more and more angry every time. Anna was his latest conquest and as they lay in her bed, Taylor’s dick refused to cooperate even though he was 1000% convinced that he wanted to have sex with her right then and there .

“Yeah, just give me a minute.” He pushed himself up off of the bed and stormed to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He leaned against the back of the door and let his head fall back, closing his eyes as he took his soft cock in hand. He tried picturing the beautiful woman in the other room, he tried picturing any woman, honestly, imagined sucking on tits and sliding into a wet pussy, but no matter what he thought of, his dick stayed softer than butter. He almost wanted to cry, but instead let out a grunt of frustration and banged his head against the door. Maybe some pain would help?

“Taylor, are you alright?” He heard Anna call from the bedroom and he almost wanted to scream at her, though she hadn’t done anything wrong. 

“Just a second!” He yelled back. He looked down at his dick and took it in hand again, only this time, he allowed himself to think back to getting head at the club, Adam’s mouth wrapping around the head and sucking softly. His cock twitched and he groaned, stroking it as he closed his eyes and remembered exactly how good it felt. Zac’s face popped into his mind before long, and he forced his eyes open. No way was that going to happen. 

He unlocked the door and made his way back to the bedroom, to the beautiful girl waiting for him. He smirked seeing her laying all sprawled out, naked and eager to please. “Fuck, you’re gorgeous.” He crawled up the bed and pressed their lips together, snaking his tongue into her mouth as he reached down and grabbing his dick. He positioned it at her entrance and pushed in quickly, gasping at how much different it felt than any other time he had fucked a woman. He bit Anna’s lip and pulled his hips back before thrusting forward. He tried this a few more times, but his mind was already wandering from the activity at hand and before he really realized what had happened, he was soft again. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Anna looked into his eyes, her lip trembling. She looked like he had rejected her marriage proposal, which made him feel even more terrible about the situation. 

“No, fuck, it isn’t you. It’s me. I-I gotta go.” He got off the bed in a hurry and got dressed, grabbing his phone and shoving it in his back pocket. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled before taking off. 

He found himself back at Caz’s, having a few shots and another beer in order to try to forget all about his lack of success in the sex department. He couldn’t figure out why the hell a hot blooded straight man couldn’t get it up for such hot women, and the more he drank, the more angry he became. What the fuck was wrong with him? He wasn’t gay, goddammit, he was fucking straight, and he should be able to fuck any woman he wanted into the mattress without question! He felt his anger build and knew he had one person to blame – Zac. He had done this. He hadn’t had any problems before Zac came back home from college and ever since he had, Taylor’s life had turned into a living hell. He jumped off of his barstool and practically ran to his car. He needed to give his little brother a piece of his mind.


	8. Chapter 8

Zac woke up covered in a cold sweat. He turned his head to look at Piper sleeping next to him, thanking God that she was still asleep. He was pretty sure he’d just had what could be amounted to a wet dream, and he didn’t even want to know if she had heard anything coming from him. His dream had been so vivid and so real, he was in the bathroom of Club Majestic, his face pressed against the stall door, watching Taylor get sucked off by Adam through the crack. He could feel every sensation watching them sent through his body in his dream as if it were really happening, and now that he was being pulled out of sleep, the combination of precome causing his boxers to be stuck to his dick and how it was painfully hard was maddeningly uncomfortable.

He pulled himself off of the bed slowly, careful not to wake Piper, and walked to the bathroom, pushing the door open and shutting it quietly behind him. He took in his disheveled appearance in the mirror and shook his head. How did he get to this place in his life where he was, not for the first time, ridiculously turned on by the thoughts of his brother getting off with another man? If it were the other man causing this insatiable urge inside of Zac, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it wasn’t. It was unmistakably Taylor himself. The way his face twisted up just a little bit when he was in the throws of ecstasy, the sounds his voice made when a hand or a mouth was wrapped around him. It had been over a week since Zac had walked in on Taylor the night that, despite what Taylor insisted, he knew that Taylor had said his name, and he hadn’t seen him at all, Taylor somehow always being gone no matter what time of the day or night. But, the images, the sounds, none of it had faded from his mind at all. He’d been able to ignore little feelings he’d had for Taylor in the past, or push down the weirdness he’d sensed between the two of them occasionally when they were younger, chalking it up to figuring out his sexuality coupled with Taylor being the closest male to him. Of course a young boy, with raging hormones running through him, trying to figure out who he was and deal with the fact that he was different would project that on the closest person to them…become confused and have their thoughts twisted up a little bit, it didn’t mean anything.

Except that now Zac was an adult. He didn’t have a good excuse for his confusion, and he’d been settled in his sexuality for a long time. He wasn’t confused about who he was or why he felt different anymore and he wasn’t figuring anything out. There was no logic behind the fact that Taylor’s face kept sneaking into his thoughts, or why the night when Zac had heard Taylor let out his name as he came, the only thing he wanted to do was crawl on top of him and kiss away every little plague that had been keeping Taylor down. It just was. Zac couldn’t hide from it anymore, he was sexually attracted to his brother and he didn’t know how to make it stop, and maybe a tiny, nagging piece of him didn’t want to.

Zac squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his palms over them, willing the thoughts to just leave him alone for now, he could deal with them later. But, the longer his eyes stayed shut the more clear the picture of Taylor sprawled out of his bed became. The sound of Zac’s name leaving his lips repeating over and over again in Zac’s mind. Images of Taylor getting a blowjob in the bathroom at the club, Taylor in his dream in that same bathroom stall, swirled through his mind until he couldn’t take it anymore. Everything was loud and there was a slight pounding in his ears as he slid his hand into his boxers, willing himself to think about something, anything else while he rid himself of the throbbing pulse in his cock that was slowly becoming painful the longer he tried to ignore it.

As he stroked himself, small whimpers leaving his lips, he could see Taylor when they were younger, when the world was easier and they were more innocent, smiling as they wrestled in the back yard, laughing at one of Zac’s stupid jokes. He was always there, in every memory Zac had before four years ago, the centerpiece in his mind was Taylor. His hand gained speed as the memories of their youth washed away, turning into things that had never happened, fantasies locked away in the back of Zac’s mind. Taylor under him, his back arched as Zac thrust into him. This time, when Zac came, warm sticky liquid pouring over his hand, it was his lips that whispered Taylor’s name.

His head was still pounding as he peeled his boxers off and started the shower. He had to wash this away, somehow step underneath the scorching hot water and allow it to erase every terrible, depraved, immoral thought he’d been having. Maybe Taylor had been right all along, maybe Zac _was_ a freak.

 

Forty five minutes later when Zac stepped out of the bathroom, he smiled, seeing Piper making up the sofa bed, tucking the sheets in nicely around the pull out mattress and arranging the pillows.

“You just missed Taylor,” she grinned over her shoulder as he pulled a pair of clean boxers on underneath his towel and then dropped it on the floor.

“Shame,” Zac mumbled, feeling his face heat up a little bit. He dressed quickly and then sat down on the edge of the sofa bed, sighing.

“What’s wrong?” Piper sat down next to him, patting him on the knee. “You look blue.”

“I dunno, Pipes,” he shrugged. “Just not feeling myself right now, I guess.”

“That makes two of you, Taylor looked like someone killed his puppy when he stormed out of here.”

“He was mad?”

“Yeah, he mumbled something about warning you that he was going to lay into you later,” Piper shrugged, making a face. “What did you do?”

“I haven’t seen him in a week, you’ve been here. He’s been totally absent. He must be sneaking in and out while we’re asleep.”

“You think there’s any hope for this thing between you two to ever end?”

“I don’t know, I hope so.”

“I can tell you miss him, the old him. It must be hard being back here after so long and finding that the person you once knew is completely gone.”

Zac sighed, running a hand through his wet hair. He shook his head and pushed himself to his feet.

“More than you know,” he breathed, holding his hand out for her. “Come on, you’re leaving tomorrow, let’s go do something fun.”

 

Zac and Piper spent the day roaming around Tulsa, Zac showing her the places his family used to go to when they were younger. They’d eaten pizza at his favorite place and caught a movie at the theater that Zac had spent more evenings than he could count in. By the time they got home, Zac had spent all day trying to push Taylor out of his head, but there was one thing lingering there that he needed answered: Adam. What was it that was going on between the two of them? How was it that his definitively not gay brother was getting blowjobs in gay bar bathrooms, and why did Zac have a feeling that it had been going on for longer than he knew? Piper was just kicking off her sneakers when Zac realized that he needed to figure it out. He needed answers and he knew exactly where to go to get them.

“Hey, Pipes,” he called across the room. She turned to look at him, and he tried to find a way to tell her that he needed to go out, but he needed her to not come with him. The guilt that she’d be leaving tomorrow was almost too much, but he knew what he had to do, and he knew he had to do it now. “I need to run out for a bit, I have something I have to take care of. Do you want to come with me or-“

“No, I think I’ll stay here. I kind of want to clean this place up a little bit, you guys live like animals.”

Zac grinned at the way that Piper wrinkled her nose up and motioned around the room. It was true, it wasn’t the cleanest living space in the world, but Zac had never been overly bothered by a little bit of mess. He was thankful that she’d made him escaping the house alone easy on him and he walked over to her and wrapped her in a hug.

“I’m gonna miss you when you leave.”

“I know,” she grinned, squeezing him around his waist. “Maybe you can come to The Big Apple soon, visit me.”

“Yeah,” he pulled back. “I think that’d be nice.”

 

It didn’t take long for Zac to set eyes on Adam after walking into Club Majestic. He was leaning against the bar talking to a very attractive brunette man, a beer bottle in his hand.

“Hey,” Zac said as he stepped up to him. “I need to talk to you.”

Adam stood up and took a couple of steps away from the bar, leaning in and grinning.

“Talk? Is that what they’re calling it these days?”

“Seriously, I need to talk to you. About Taylor.”

Adam lifted an eyebrow, sipping his beer.

“What about him?”

“What’s going on with the two of you?”

“What’re you jealous or something?” Adam smirked, draining the rest of his beer into his mouth and tossing the bottle into the trash can that was only a foot away from them.

“No, this isn’t-“ Zac shook his head. “It’s not about that, I just…look, he’s my older brother and he’s going through some stuff right now, and I need to know what’s going on with you two.”

“Nothing more than what's going on with you and I,” Adam shrugged. “I have to say, I was a little proud of myself for snagging two brothers. It was like marking off a square on my sexual bingo card.”

Zac rolled his eyes, pushing Adam’s arm away when it tried to snake around his waist.

“Come on, you came all the way over here, you must be looking for more than information on what your brother is doing when you’re not looking.”

“No, I just-“ Zac shook his head. “Does he say anything to you, like…about being gay? What is he like with you?”

“This is a pretty weird line of questioning, Zac, honestly, I’m not sure I want to get in the middle of whatever brotherly rivalry you two are having. You gotta at least make it worth my while if I answer your questions.”

“Worth your while?” Zac tilted his head, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Yeah, you know,” Adam grinned, snaking his arm around Zac’s waist now that Zac’s hands were occupied. “Maybe we could take our relationship to the next step.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean…I really like blowing you, don’t get me wrong, but I could use a little more tonight. That nice young gentlemen there,” Adam motioned at the guy he’d been talking to when Zac pulled him away who was now engrossed in a conversation with a new man. “Seemed like he was willing and ready to let me into his sweet ass, but you ruined that for me.”

“You’re really vulgar, you know that?” Zac shook his head.

“I’ve heard it once or twice,” Adam shrugged. “So, what do you say?”

Zac stared at him for a minute, turning it over in his head. He wasn’t sure if it was worth it, giving his virginity to a dude in a bar just to get some information on Taylor. He was starting to consider it, but when he imagined forever having Adam in the back of his mind as the first man he’d really been with, it gave him a slightly sick feeling in his stomach.”

“No,” he shook his head. “I’m sorry, I’m just not ready for that. I really need to know about Taylor, though. I need you to tell me. Please.”

“I’m not going to give you the information for free, kid. You’ve ruined my chance at a hookup tonight,” Adam grinned, pulling Zac a little closer to him. He leaned in and pressed his lips against Zac’s neck, biting down gently for a second before whispering in his ear. “I’ll settle for a nice blowjob, though.”

“Don’t you get tired of it? Hooking up with random guys in bathroom stalls? Don’t you want something more?”

“Not really,” Adam shrugged. “Besides, this isn’t about me, it’s about you and your brother. Are you in or are you out?”

Zac stared at him again, his urge to know what Taylor had said to the other man taking over any other thoughts he possessed.

“Alright, fine.”

“Nice,” Adam smiled, stepping back and turning towards the stairs.

“Hold on,” Zac grabbed his wrist, turning back to the bar and signaling the bartender. He ordered two shots of tequila, paid, and took them, one after the other. He shook his head a little, the sting of the liquor coursing through him.

“Okay, let’s go.”

They walked down and into the bathroom, taking their place in the stall Zac had been in too many times now. Adam’s hands instantly went to his belt, undoing it along with his jeans. He was pushing them down when Zac put his hand on top of Adam’s.

“Not so fast, tell me.”

“He swears he isn’t gay. Angrily and almost violently. He’s adamant about it. But, it doesn’t take long for me to get him off, he seems to really love getting blown by a guy. I swear once or twice I even heard a name right before he came.” Adam’s eyebrow suddenly shot up. “A familiar name.”

Zac’s stomach flipped and he nodded. It was almost exactly what he’d expected to hear with the exception of the part about the name. Was Taylor saying his name while with Adam? Was the night in his room not a one time thing? Zac’s heart was racing as Adam pushed his jeans down, stroking himself a couple of times.

“Now, come on. I gave you what you wanted, it’s your turn.”

As Zac sank to his knees, he couldn’t believe the lengths he went to to get information he was pretty sure he already knew. Was there anything that Zac _wouldn’t_ do when it came to Taylor?

 

The entire drive home all Zac could think about was how far underwater he was when it came to things with Taylor. A little voice in the back of his head kept insisting that this was what Taylor meant by all of the terrible things he had said about Zac. He somehow knew that there was a piece of Zac, a little seedling inside of him that had always desired Taylor, a piece that seemed to be growing despite Taylor’s obvious revulsion of him, and it was really what made him hate Zac.

Zac could feel the nausea inside of him growing as he turned into the driveway and shut the car off. He knew he couldn’t bare this thing on his own anymore, he needed to talk to someone, he needed someone to be there for him. Carrying it all on his own was becoming too much. He’d never been more thankful for Piper than the second he took the last step into the basement and saw her sitting on the sofa bed.

“Thank God you’re here, Piper. I really need to talk to you about something.”

“Um,” Piper looked up at him, she was frowning and she had her phone in her hand. “I actually really need to talk to you, I was just about to call you.”

“What happened?” Zac rushed to the sofa bed, sitting down next to Piper.

Piper leaned over the side of the sofa bed and retrieved a plastic shopping bag. She turned it upside down and dumped its contents onto the mattress, looking up at Zac.

“I found all of these while I was cleaning. They were tucked away and hidden everywhere. Zac, I think Taylor has a problem.”

“What?” Zac shook his head. There were dozens of little pill bottles sitting in between them in varying states of fullness. Zac could see without even looking through them that only a few of them had Taylor’s name on them, the rest of them had various names Zac didn’t recognize on their labels, but they were all the same prescription. “Taylor’s doing pills?”

“It would explain his moods,” Piper nodded slowly. “And the way he can’t look right at people. The way he can’t hold a job to save his life, doesn’t have any money to get out of here.”

“I don’t understand,” Zac continued to shake his head and then it all settled down on him like bricks. “Oh my God.”

Zac picked up the shopping bag and started placing the pill bottles one by one back into it. He stood from the couch and started walking towards the stairs.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m getting rid of them,” he turned to look at Piper. “You can come with me or you can stay here, but I’m getting rid of them.”

 

\---

 

As soon as Taylor pulled into the driveway, he bolted from his car, through the house, and down into the basement. He wanted to confront Zac, but he also knew he would need some courage in order to do so and courage came in pill format. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, surprised to see both Zac and Piper sitting on the couch, seeming to be waiting for him.

“Of course you’re here right now.” He huffed out, his desire to lay into his little brother lessening a little at the look on his face. He looked weird, kind of remorseful and… Some other emotion that Taylor couldn’t pinpoint.

“Tay, can you…” Zac trailed off, patting the empty spot next to him on the couch. Taylor wrinkled his nose, not understanding why he seemed to be so emotional, so weak.

“Uh, nah, I’m good.” He crossed his arms in front of his body and looked back toward the bathroom, wanting to dash in there and escape for a minute. Zac sighed and let his shoulder drop.

“Tay, Piper and I, we…” Taylor cut him off.

“I don’t know what the hell you think you’re doing right now, but I’m not in the mood.” He turned on his heel and went to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He reached behind the toilet tank for his stash of pills, but couldn’t find it. His heart rate increased as he ran his hand up and down the back of the tank – maybe he had misplaced it? When he came up empty handed again, he cursed under his breath and ran out of the bathroom, straight to his room. At a quick glance, he could already tell a few things had been moved around, but maybe his mom had just been in to clean up after him a little bit. He went to his mattress and slipped a hand between it and the box spring, but a quick search left him empty. He bit his lip as he started to hyperventilate, where the hell were his pills? Who could have taken them? Was he so out of it that he just forgot where he put them?!

He took hold of the bottom of the mattress and flipped it, hoping to see the pill bottle laying in the middle of the box spring, but he had no such luck. He dashed around the apartment, finding all of his hiding spots devoid of any and all pills. There was no way he could have misplaced so many bottles! Tears of anger began to form in his eyes as he ran to his last hiding spot - the top cabinet to the right behind all of the recipe books was his last hiding spot, the one he was sure would never be found, but when he flung the books out of the cabinet and saw no bottle, he knew something had happened.

He whirled around and glared at Zac and Piper who were still sitting on the couch, not looking surprised at his outburst. “What the hell did you do?” Taylor advanced on the pair. They had to have done something, who else would go into his room, into his personal stuff, and try to ruin his life? Zac stood up from the couch and met Taylor halfway, blocking his view of Piper.

“Tay, can you please sit down? I know you’re mad right now-“ Taylor jabbed a finger into his chest, pushing him back a little.

“You think I’m mad? No, I’m not mad, I’m fucking _furious_. What right do you think you have to go through my things, to invade my privacy that way?!” He kept pushing Zac back and following after until Zac was forced to sit down as the back of his knees hit the couch cushions. Piper jumped up from the couch and wedged herself between Taylor and Zac, practically sitting on Zac’s lap to do so.

“Yo, Taylor, you need to back up. I know you don’t know me very well, but we’re just trying to help you.” Taylor simply stared down at her and shook his head fiercely.

“No, you’re right, you don’t know me, so why do you think you can help me?” He wanted to reach out and grab her around the neck, to squeeze until she couldn’t breathe anymore, maybe that would help her understand exactly what she had done to him, but he managed to take a step back and keep his hands to himself. “Where is my stuff?” His voice came out in almost a growl, sounding nothing like any voice he had ever heard from himself. Zac pushed Piper off of his lap and stood up again.

“They’re gone, Taylor, down the toilet. You need to stop abusing your body, you can get better!” Tears started falling down Zac’s face and a part of Taylor’s heart hurt, he knew he was the reason for that, but he couldn’t let his emotions cloud his judgment.

“You don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about!” The words came out in a scream and tears of his own started to fall down his face. “You haven’t been here, you don’t get to tell me what to do! Why do you even care, huh?” He took a step back, then two, then a third, as he ran his hands through his hair. He needed to get some pills and he needed to get them fast, he was freaking out faster than he could control, he had never been in a situation where he had been confronted about his habit before. 

“I care because you’re my brother, Taylor, I care because I love you!” Zac followed after him, reaching out to touch his arm, but he hit his arms away. The last thing he needed was to be comforted by Zac.

“Stay the fuck away from me.” He hissed. He wanted to say more, wanted to tell him how much he hated him, how much pain he had caused, but instead, he turned and darted up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He knew how to find pills, but he needed to get there quick.

\--

The drive Taylor took around downtown Tulsa looking for his dealer was a huge blur. He had tried calling him half a dozen times, but never got a response. He checked all of his usual hangouts, hell, he even went to his apartment, something he had been threatened never to do, but he couldn’t find him anywhere. After almost two full hours of searching, Taylor gave up. He wasn’t going to get his fix that night and he already couldn’t handle himself. He got into his car and beat his steering wheel a few times, cursing every name in the book before moving on to cursing his own existence.

He sobbed as he screamed, unsure how he was going to make it without the aid he had learned to live with all those years ago. Rationally, he knew he could probably score some the next day, but now that his little secret was out, was he even going to be around the next day? Zac would probably tell their parents about the pills and then he would be shipped off to rehab. He wouldn’t be able to survive rehab, he had so little regard for his life as it was, going to rehab and going through withdrawals and being forced to face all of the crap that made him take the pills to begin with, it wasn’t worth it to him. He would rather just end everything and never have to deal with the pain of living ever again.

The car seemed to be driving itself, he didn’t remember starting the ignition, nor did he remember putting it into drive and taking off toward his house, but he remembered really quick when a kid on a bicycle appeared on the sidewalk next to him. He knew he needed to swerve, to get back on the street, but he couldn’t react fast enough to avoid the collision. A loud scream followed by a crunching sound made his stomach drop as he stopped the car and got out. A girl, maybe 15 or 16 years old, was laying on the ground next to a mangled bike, unconscious. “Oh god, oh god, oh fuck.” He knelt down on the pavement next to her, running his hands over her face before placing a hand over her heart. He felt a faint heartbeat, but she didn’t react to his touch and he had seen enough movies to know that was never a good thing.

His cell phone was in his pocket, luckily, and he pulled it out, dialing 911 as quickly as he could. He barely remembered speaking to the operator, he didn’t even know where he was, so how he managed to get an ambulance and a police car to his location was a bit of a miracle. 

The cops spoke with him and got all of the information they needed before the EMT’s got the girl loaded up in the rig. He realized he was crying again when the girl was driven off and the cops came to talk to him again. He wiped at his face, but was cut short as one of the officers grabbed his arms and placed them behind his back, slapping handcuffs on his wrists.

“Taylor Hanson, you are under arrest for hitting a pedestrian with a motor vehicle. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)   
> 

The waiting room of the Tulsa Police station was the kind of bright that gave you a low, throbbing headache. Yellow lights hanging from the once white ceiling tiles, buzzing every half a minute or so, almost as if they were trying to remind you that they were there. 

Zac sat in a rickety plastic chair against the far wall, his knees bouncing, elbows resting on his thighs, head in his hands. He had been getting in the car after dropping Piper off at the airport when his phone rang. He wasn’t sure why Taylor has chosen to use him as his phone call for a ride home, or really even what had happened. Taylor had said something about an accident, he’d hit someone. But, how? Where? An accident usually didn’t result in being held in the county lockup. 

Zac heard the door across the room shut and he lifted his head, seeing his brother walk towards him. He looked like hell. Hair disheveled, clothes wrinkled and looking like they’d been worn more than the called for one day. His eyes were on the floor ahead of him as he walked towards Zac, a small bag in his hand, which Zac assumed was holding the belongings he’d entered the station with. Zac stood and cleared the space between them, putting a hand on Taylor’s elbow, not missing the small wince it caused to briefly appear on Taylor’s face. 

“What happened?” 

Taylor shook his head and started walking for the door, his elbow slipping out of Zac’s hand. 

They walked in silence to Zac’s truck, sliding into it and buckling their seatbelts. 

“Tay,” Zac turned to look at his brother, whose eyes were on his own knees, his head hung just slightly. 

“Can you just take me home?” 

His voice was little more than a whisper, but Zac could hear so many things in it. Sadness, grief, shame. 

“Tell me what happened, Tay.”

Taylor shook his head, his eyes not leaving his lap. Zac looked at him for a few seconds before sighing and starting the car, pulling out of the parking lot towards home. 

They drove in silence, never even turning on the radio. Every few seconds Zac would look over at Taylor, hoping to see him looking back, but he never was. 

Ten grueling minutes of silence later, Zac maneuvered the car in the always full driveway, shutting it off. He turned to ask Taylor again to talk to him, but by the time his eyes were on his brother, he was out of the vehicle, making his way across the grass to the front door. 

Zac got out of the car, clipping his keys to his belt loop and followed behind Taylor, trying to think of any way to get him to open up to him. They’d spent so long living on anger and sadness, different reasons causing a mutual need to shove more space between them than would fit just to make it through life, that Zac didn’t know how to erase some of that space. Draw them back together, remind Taylor that it was always Zac who was there when he needed someone, that even after everything, all of the years and the silence, Zac was still Zac and Taylor was still Taylor, and there was no amount of time or hurt that could snuff out Zac’s biological need to put Taylor back together when he was falling apart. 

“Tay,” Zac called to his brothers retreating back, but it was as if Taylor couldn’t hear him. His feet kept moving him towards the porch, closer to the door where he could slip inside his room and shut Zac out. Zac huffed, picking up speed. “Taylor, stop!”

Zac wasn’t sure if it was the volume or the pleading in his voice, but Taylor stopped walking, his feet planted firmly in the grass. His shoulders were tense, his back straight. He didn’t turn around, he just stood there, staring directly ahead of him. 

Zac stopped walking a couple of feet before he reached his brother, willing his mind to come up with words good enough to convince him. He needed him to know that if he needed him, he would snap his fingers and erase the last four years, make it as though they’d never happened. He’d be there, like he always had, like he should have been all this time. 

Before he could speak, he watched as Taylor’s entire demeanor crumbled before him. The tension left his shoulders and his head dropped. Zac watched as Taylor’s entire body seemed to become devoid of bone, crumpling into a deflated pile on the lawn. His knees were bent underneath him, his head in his hands, Zac could see his shoulders shaking as he closed the gap in between them, walking around him and sinking down into a crouch in front of him. 

“Tay, tell me what happened,” he said again, his voice low and calm. If Zac knew anything about the two of them, it was that only one of them could be freaking out at a time. 

“Why do you care?” Taylor’s voice was muffled by his hands, but the sadness weaved into it was unmistakable. 

“You’re my brother,” Zac spoke softly, his hands landing on Taylor’s forearms. 

“You should hate me.”

Zac could feel his temple starting to throb. Just a low, dull ache, pulsing through his skull. He’d felt a plethora of feelings for Taylor throughout his lifetime: love, idolatry, admiration, hurt, anger, sadness, loss...but hate was never on the table. Even in the worst of moments, when he’d lay awake in his bed at night, hundreds and hundreds of miles away from Taylor, wondering what he’d ever done to deserve him ripping his love away from him, hate had never even attempted to creep in. Hating Taylor was a solid, unyielding impossibility. It was like asking someone to live without their heart, their lungs. The human body can’t operate without those integral pieces of itself, and Zac couldn’t operate with an iota of hatred for Taylor inside of him. 

“I could never hate you,” he tightened his grip on Taylor’s arms, just a little bit, just to show him that he was there. 

“I ruin everything,” Taylor breathed. “I ruined us, and I ruined me and now I’ve ruined my life-“ he shook his head, digging his fingers slightly into his closed eyes. “And someone else’s life. A stranger.”

“What?” Zac gently pulled Taylor’s hands from his face, not letting go of his wrists. His calves were starting to ache from being in that position, but he’d stay there forever if it meant fixing whatever was broken. “You don’t ruin everything.”

“I hit a teenager,” his eyes were still squeezed shut, his chest moving up and down slowly. “I was speeding, I didn’t know what I was doing, I couldn’t make myself turn the car out of the way, and I hit a teenager.” 

Zac took a breath, dropping his body so he was sitting on the grass in front of Taylor. When he’d told him on the phone that he’d gotten into an accident, Zac had only assumed it had been with another car. 

“I wasn’t paying attention. I was trying to find-“ he stopped talking, shaking his head. “I didn’t see her, and I hit her.”

“It was an accident,” Zac let go of Taylor’s wrists, putting his hands into the grass by his sides. “You didn’t do it on purpose.”

“She could have died,” Taylor finally opened his eyes, looking directly into Zac’s. “I could have killed her.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Zac?” Taylor looked down, his eyes landing in between them in the grass. It dawned on Zac then that it had been a long time since he’d really heard Taylor say his name. Something so simple, something you don’t even think about, caused his heart to beat a little faster in his chest. 

“Yeah?”

“Have you ever wished you were dead?”

Zac swore the beating stopped then, replaced with a stillness he didn’t even have a name for. 

“No,” he responded, willing Taylor to look at him again, just raise his head, let their eyes connect. 

“I do,” Taylor shrugged. “Every day, almost.”

“Don’t say that,” Zac shook his head, reaching over with one hand and placing it on Taylor’s wrist. “Don’t ever say that.”

“It’s the truth,” Taylor shrugged again, his eyes finally moving back up, landing somewhere between Zac’s chin and his eyes. “Every day since...every day for a long time.”

There was a physical pain forming in Zac’s chest, a cross between a burning fire and a vice grip squeezing the life out of his heart. It might have been over four years since his and Taylor’s relationship careened off the rails, words that couldn’t be taken back may have been said. Pain, loneliness, and loss all may have been ever-present figures that they’d silently shared for a long time, but the one thing that Zac knew without a shadow of a doubt was that he didn’t want to exist in a world where Taylor wasn’t also existing. The knowledge that he was out there, breathing air, living his life, had always been a comfort to Zac. So much so, that he supposed he’d never taken the time to wonder if he’d been _really_ living. 

“If you go, I’m going with you,” Zac finally spoke. His voice felt heavy, his throat dry. 

Taylor looked up at him, his eyes finally reaching Zac’s. There was sadness in them that Zac hadn’t ever seen anyone's eyes wear before, and it made his stomach hurt and his chest tighten. 

Zac had always known Taylor as an undeniable force, someone who couldn’t be shaken by anything. He had a self-confidence that trumped Zac’s, or really anyone that Zac had ever known. He walked like he knew he was the shit, and he didn’t mind letting anyone else know. Looking at him now, Zac couldn’t see any of those things in his older brother. He was a shell of his former self, broken and in disrepair. The last four years meant nothing to Zac, the words that Taylor had spat at him that day, the look in his eyes, it was all gone in the moment that Zac realized just how truly fucked up Taylor was. 

He was going to fix him. 

 

It took a lot of encouragement and a bit of demanding, but Zac had managed to get Taylor to his feet and into the house. He lead him down into the basement, thankful that his parents seemed to have vacated the house. He figured they could explain this to them later, right now Taylor was his one and only concern. 

They walked into Taylor’s bedroom and sat down side by side on the bed, quiet for a few minutes. Zac didn’t know what was running through Taylor’s mind, but he knew that just the fact that the two of them were sitting next to each other was a big deal. If Zac could place a hand on Taylor’s head and erase all of the bad between them, he’d do it in an instant, only wanting to help him fix the mess he - they - were now in. 

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Taylor finally spoke. His voice was quiet and he was looking down at his legs.

“Do what?”

“Be here,” Taylor shrugged. “For me. I’ve been terrible to you, I don’t deserve your pity.”

“It’s not pity, Tay,” Zac reached over and put a hand on Taylor’s shoulder, ignoring the spark that shot through him at the touch. Now wasn’t the time for _those_ feelings to be sneaking in, Zac wasn’t sure if there ever would be a time, but he was sure this wasn’t it. 

“Then what is it?”

“I told you, you’re my brother. I love you, I’m going to help you through this.”

Taylor finally looked over at Zac’s, his eyes landing on his and staying there for the first time in years. His eyes darted back and forth between both of Zac’s, his face unreadable. 

“I have to ask you something, and you need to be honest with me,” Zac broke their silence, squeezing Taylor’s shoulder lightly before dropping his hand to the bed in between them. Taylor nodded, not moving his eyes from Zac’s. “Were you...high?”

“No,” Taylor shook his head. “I was-” it looked like he was questioning himself on whether or not he should say any more, and finally he did. “I was out looking for my dealer. I couldn’t find him and I started going a little bit crazy.”

“Thank God,” Zac sighed. “Tay, you can’t do it anymore.”

“I need them, Zac,” Taylor shook his head again. “It’s been a long time. I already feel off, I don’t think I can make it without them.”

“You can,” Zac nodded once. “You can because I’m going to make sure that you do.”

Zac watched as Taylor’s face went from unreadable and stoic to completely broken within seconds. His forehead was twisted up and his mouth was a frown, his bottom lip quivering just slightly. 

“I can’t do it, Zac,” he whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek. “They’re all that keeps me alive.”

Zac watched as one tear turned into two, two into four, and before he knew it, his big brother was sitting before him, broken and damaged, sobbing. His shoulders were shaking and his face was red, and Zac felt a knife being pushed through his heart.

“Come here,” he whispered, putting an arm around Taylor’s shoulders and pulling him towards him. Taylor’s head landed on Zac’s shoulder, his hand landing on Zac’s chest, turning into a fist and balling the fabric of Zac’s t-shirt up inside of it. Taylor turned his head, pressing it into Zac’s neck, his tears dripping from his own eyes onto Zac’s skin.

“I can’t do this, Zac,” he whispered in between sobs.

“You can,” Zac held him tighter, wrapping his other arm around him. “We’re going to do it together.”

 

 

\--

 

It took a while for Taylor to finally calm down enough to stop crying into Zac’s shirt. It felt like hours or even days that he had spent curled up almost sitting in his little brother’s lap, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. It had been so long since he had let someone hold him, let someone take care of him, and he was in so much pain and mental anguish that it felt good to just let himself go. Once the tears dried, he knew he should pull away, but Zac’s soothing back rub was more than enough to keep him where he was. He was just about to fall asleep when Zac’s stomach rumbled.

“Sorry, haven’t eaten yet today.” He laughed a little as Taylor sat up and rubbed his face.

“I’m so sorry, Zac.” He knew the last thing his brother had wanted to do that day was babysit his asshole older brother, but he was still there for him, same as he always used to be. Zac shook his head before speaking.

“No, don’t apologize. We’re in this together, Tay, for real. I’m not leaving you this time, not now, not ever, okay?” Taylor felt his throat start to expand with emotion and coughed a little to try to get control over himself. He simply nodded instead and reached his hand out, taking Zac’s with it, and squeezing tight.

“I need to shower and then sleep, I think.” He mumbled, standing up from the couch and stretching. “Staying overnight in a jail cell didn’t lead to much sleeping at all, just lots of countless time staring at the ceiling.” Zac winced, causing Taylor to feel like a jackass. He wasn’t trying to guilt trip him, he was just stating a fact.

“Go shower, I’m gonna go make something to eat, I’ll bring you down something, okay?” Taylor nodded and made his way to the bathroom. He stripped quickly and stepped into the hot water, hoping that maybe if the water would boil his skin, it would get rid of the entire previous night. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw the girl, Angela, he learned was her name, laying on the ground, unconscious. He barely made it out of the shower before he collapsed on the bathroom floor, crying and naked.

“Tay, you alright?” He heard Zac call out as he knocked on the door, but he couldn’t form words. Instead, he just cried harder and buried his face into the bathroom carpet. “Taylor, if you don’t answer me, I’m coming in!” Zac warned. A few seconds later, the door opened and Taylor managed to lift his head enough to see the shocked look on his brother’s face. “Fuck, Tay, what happened?” Zac grabbed a towel and wrapped it around him quickly before helping him to a sitting position. He simply shook his head and let the tears keep falling. He knew if he tried to talk, the only thing that would come out was a bunch of garbled noises. He let Zac help him dry off and get dressed, but when it came time to try to make it to his bed, he couldn’t walk. He was too weak, so exhausted from everything that had happened in the past 24 hours, and all he wanted to do was pass out so that he could stop being reminded of what an awful mistake he had made.

“Tay, come on, you have to help me out here.” Zac tried to coax him to his feet, but he couldn’t remain upright.

“I can’t do it, Zac, I’m too weak. Just leave me here, I deserve it.” He bit his lower lip and let his head fall forward, trying to hide his face from the other man. He heard Zac sigh and next thing he knew, he was being lifted up, cradled between Zac’s arms. He tried to protest, but the only thing that came out was a small squeak. He let his head rest against his chest instead and closed his eyes for the short journey.

When Zac lay him down in his bed, he was so tender, so loving, so… Nurturing. He didn’t understand how he could still be so nice to him after he had been the worst kind of person to him for so many years. “Do you need anything else?” Zac ran a hand through his hair and tucked a stray strand behind his ear. Taylor shook his head and burrowed into his blankets, afraid to ask for what it was he truly wanted. “I’m just right outside the door, if you need anything, just holler, okay?” Zac took a step toward the door before Taylor spoke.

“C-Can you stay? With me? Can you stay with me?” He managed to whisper. He didn’t want to be alone, though Zac had every reason in the world to leave him like that. A smile formed on his brother’s face and he nodded.

“Of course I will, scoot over.” Taylor moved over as much as he could, until he was almost pressed against the wall, and Zac slid in between the sheets. They lay there awkwardly for a minute, Zac seemed to be unsure how to place himself, until finally, Taylor lay down on his side facing the other man. Zac followed suit and they lay there together, just looking at each other. He reached out and placed a hand on his brother’s chest before his eyes fell shut and he was able to fall asleep.

\--

“Taylor, wake up!” He felt someone shaking him before he registered the words being spoken and opened his eyes, having to blink a few times in order to see clearly. Zac was sitting up next to him, looking panic-stricken, no he had no idea why.

“’s wrong?” His head was beginning to clear and he realized that his heart was racing. Had he had a bad dream?

“You were twitching and making all kinds of noises, I don’t know what was going on, but you were starting to freak me out.” Zac’s face visibly calmed as Taylor sat up next to him.

“Maybe I had a bad dream? I don’t know, I don’t remember.” He tried to force his memory to tell him what he had dreamed about, but the only thing he could concentrate on was the rumbling in his stomach. He sat dead still for a moment before he felt his mouth fill with saliva. He jumped up from the bed, managing to get over Zac without tripping, and ran to the bathroom. He made it to the toilet just in time to start puking, his stomach heaving every other second to bring up every last thing he had consumed in what seemed like months. Finally, it reached the point where he was just dry heaving and he managed to get his body to stop trying to rid itself of whatever toxin it was insistent it had consumed. Leaning back from the toilet, he realized Zac was standing right behind him, rubbing his back and holding his hair out of his face.

“You gonna make it?” Zac seemed to be trying to be funny, but Taylor couldn’t laugh - It was taking all of his energy to remain upright.

“This time.” He muttered as he wiped his face of tears and snot that had accumulated while being sick. Zac helped him to his feet before he spoke again.

“It seems like you might be going through withdrawals from the pills.” Taylor snorted.

“What, did you WebMD that? What’s next, will I have cancer, too?” He felt his stomach heave again and he leaned over the sink, but nothing came up.

“Well, with what you’ve done to your body, sure, you could have cancer for all I know.” Zac‘s voice held an unamused tone to it and Taylor immediately felt like shit for being a jerk. He stood up straight and tried to smile at his little brother.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn-“ Zac interrupted him.

“Don’t apologize. I know you feel like crap, but you really should remember something, Tay.” He reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder before giving it a squeeze. “I’m on your side here. Stop attacking me and you might just realize that.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)  
> 

It had been a long night. 

Zac’s eyes were red rimmed and heavy, his entire body feeling the effects of being too afraid to go to sleep. Afraid that Taylor would start throwing up and not wake up, choke on his own vomit and die right there in the bed next to him. 

After the first trip to the toilet bowl, they’d done much the same three more times, Zac holding back Taylor’s hair, rubbing his back, passing him toilet paper to wipe his face with. It was killing Zac to see his brother like this, but what was killing him even more was the reason Taylor was where he was right then. How didn’t Zac see it before Piper had found all of the pills? How could he live in the same house with him and not notice that he was always high? Taylor seemed to have everyone fooled, they’d all just thought he was unhappy, they had no idea the depths his unhappiness went to. 

Each trip to the bathroom seemed to become worse than the last one, Taylor throwing up nothing but stomach acid, goosebumps covering his entire body. At one point, he had been sweating so profusely through his shirt that he’d ripped it off, tossing it across the room before dipping his head back into the toilet to heave up more of nothing. 

He’d apologized, over and over, so many times that Zac had lost count, and he wasn’t sure if Taylor was apologizing for the fact that Zac was spending an awfully long time watching him throw up, or for something larger. Zac wasn’t even sure if Taylor knew, but he was sure it was probably a little bit of both. 

Now, with Taylor firmly settled in bed next to him, he watched as his chest rose and fell, small snores leaving his nose. Confident that maybe this time Taylor would stay asleep, Zac lightly lifted himself from the bed and walked to the other room, grabbing his laptop before settling back into bed beside Taylor. 

He googled opiates, addiction, withdrawal, how to help, everything he could think of, and he was happy to know that, depending on how deep into his addiction Taylor was, he should be okay within a few weeks. They hopefully wouldn’t have to get him outside help if Zac was able to take care of him well enough on his own, and he was almost hoping that they wouldn’t have to get their parents involved, though he had a feeling that wouldn’t last long. Surely not as long as he’d like, which was forever. When Zac finally shut his laptop, dropping it lightly onto the floor by the bed, he sighed, running a hand through his hair. He didn’t want to see Taylor suffer anymore than he already had, but it seemed he was probably going to have to, for at least a little while longer. 

Zac stretched out on the bed, turning onto his side so he was facing Taylor. He looked so content with his eyes closed and asleep, Zac almost couldn’t stop himself when he leaned over, closing the gap in between them and placing a soft kiss to Taylor’s temple. 

“We’re going to conquer this together,” he whispered, drawing back. “The two of us, like we always have.”

 

A few hours later when Zac woke up, the bed was empty. He felt a jolt of panic run through him, worried that Taylor had woken up sick again and Zac had slept through it. He spirited to the bathroom, throwing the door open, fully expecting to see Taylor crumpled on the floor in front of the toilet. Instead, he was frozen to the spot, Taylor standing completely naked in front of the shower, his mouth open slightly in shock, neither of them seemingly able to move.

“S-sorry,” Zac said after a few seconds. “I was worried…I woke up and you were gone…”

“I just…wanted a shower…after all that throwing up,” Taylor motioned towards the shower behind him.

“Right,” Zac nodded. “Right. I’m sorry, I uh-“ he shook his head. “I’ll leave you to shower.”

“Yeah,” Taylor nodded. “Right.”

They stared at each other for another second before Zac nodded again and let himself out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and leaning against it.

It had to stop. The way that seeing Taylor standing there had left him hard, the way that lately thoughts of Taylor had been doing the same. It wasn’t normal, they were brothers. Seeing his brother naked should be nothing, like being in a locker room after a sports game…as if Zac knew anything about that. 

Zac closed his eyes and shook his head against the bathroom door. He breathed in and out slowly, willing the erection in his pants to just go away, willing the vision of Taylor standing there to erase from his mind. Instead of the vision going away, though, it transformed to an earlier one of Taylor standing in that same shower, his hand wrapped around himself and Zac groaned, feeling himself grow even harder. 

_What’s wrong with you?_ he thought to himself. _This has to stop._

He walked over to the small dresser his parents had set up next to the pullout sofa for him and pulled out a fresh change of clothes.

“Just get dressed and it’ll be a new day,” he muttered to himself. “Stop doing this to yourself.”

But, as he stripped his clothes off, the vision of Taylor standing nude in the bathroom took over again, his already rock hard dick throbbing slightly. Suddenly, it was as if Zac wasn’t in control of his own movements anymore, his fingers wrapped around himself and he squeezed his eyes shut.

_Think about something else, anything else,_ he thought as he stroked himself, but instead it was Taylor moaning his name that spurned him on, making him lay down on the sofa bed, his hand moving faster and faster, Taylor’s pink lips saying his name over and over again behind his eyelids. 

 

\--

 

When Taylor was done in the shower, he met Zac in the living room. His brother had a really weird look on his face, he was kind of flushed and looked like he had been doing some kind of physical activity, but he knew that wasn’t the case, so he just gave him a concerned look before sitting down on the couch. “Do you want to go out to eat?” Zac brought his legs up to sit cross legged on the couch next to him. Taylor’s stomach lurched at the thought of food and he shook his head quickly.

“No, no, hell no. I almost threw up just at the suggestion.” He took a few deep breaths, trying to quell the nausea, and finally it eased off. He leaned against the back of the couch and wrapped his arms around his body, he couldn’t seem to get warm. Zac threw a blanket at him and he took it gratefully, pulling it around his shoulders. “Thanks.” He bit his lower lip, not really knowing what to say. An awkward silence descended upon them and he wanted more than anything to just get up and go to his room, to break the stillness and make all of the tension disappear.

“Did you sleep okay?” Zac broke the silence finally, and Taylor was honestly grateful. He hated small talk, but maybe that would be a good thing for them, to get them going in the right direction.

“Yeah, a little bit. When I wasn’t in the bathroom, I managed to sleep half an hour here and there. I feel like I got run over by a dump truck though. They don’t tell you about the shitty side effects of withdrawal when you get addicted to pills.” He tried to laugh, but the look on Zac’s face made his laugh die in his throat.

“I don’t understand how you can think any part of this is funny, Tay.” Zac reached out and took his hand. He had an impulse feeling to pull away, he had shown too much of his weak side already, but the feeling of Zac’s hand in his own was so comforting, he couldn’t bear to pull away.

“I don’t think it’s funny, Zac, I just, I don’t know how else to process everything.” He looked down at their hands and turned his over so that they were sitting hand in hand. He squeezed his hand and shut his eyes before taking a deep breath. “It was never supposed to get this far, I just thought that I could take some pills, enjoy the high, and everything would be fine, ya know? It started off that way, and then all of a sudden, I couldn’t live without them. I tried to, once, I went through this all by myself before. The throwing up, the body aches, the insomnia, all of it. And then once I was clean, I remembered why I kept taking them past the physical pain.” He opened his eyes and looked up at Zac, tears threatening to spill down his face. “The emotional pain that I was in, it was more than I could bear. When you left, it felt like my body was torn in two. Zac, I didn’t get out of bed for months unless mom made me. I considered driving to Georgetown, to come see you and to tell you…” He trailed off, unsure if he could continue.

“Tell me what, Tay?” Zac prompted softly, squeezing his hand. He shook his head as a response, but kept going anyway.

“I needed to tell you that I didn’t hate you. That how I felt for you –“ He cut himself off, unable to force the words out. The tears finally spilled and he blinked a few times, trying to clear his vision. “I wanted you to know how much I still loved you, that I didn’t hate you, that you weren’t any of the awful things I had said to you when you came out to me. But I couldn’t, Zac, I couldn’t, and I am so sorry.” He was full on sobbing by that point and Zac didn’t hesitate before leaning into him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close. For the second time in as many days, he found himself crying into his little brother’s shirt, clinging onto him as though nothing else would hold him to the ground.

“Tay, stop, don’t get so worked up.” He felt lips pressed to his head and he knew Zac was doing everything in his power to comfort him. “I’m sorry I never came back to see you, never tried to call or write or anything. I blocked you out of my life too, it’s a two way street.” Taylor shook his head and pushed away from the other man, looking at him again.

“No, that’s not how it works, Zac! I should have been the person who you could count on for everything!” His hand was still curled into his shirt and he pulled on it, trying to make a point. “I failed you at the moment in your life that you needed me the most, you didn’t do anything wrong. Of course you wouldn’t talk to me, I was such a dick, I don’t even know the words to describe how horrible I was, how horrible I’ve been to you, Zac, and you’re still here for me. Why? Why are you still here?” Zac extracted himself from Taylor’s hold and placed both hands on his shoulders, looking him in the eyes.

“I’m here because I love you, Tay. I love you, and I want to help you get better. The past doesn’t matter to me anymore, okay? Because now, it’s just me and you, okay?” He placed a hand over Taylor’s heart and took one of Taylor’s hands and placed it over his. “Do you feel this? My heart beats for you, for us. We are going to get through this, Tay, but we can’t do that if you don’t forgive yourself.” Zac’s eyes bored into his own to the point that he felt like he could see into his very soul. He took a breath, then another, trying to calm down. His hand over Zac’s heart helped, he was able to match the rhythm, and before long, he was slumped against the couch, exhausted.

“I have court in a week.” He mumbled, pointing to his bag of belongings on the floor next to the table. “They charged me with aggravated assault or something like that, I don’t really remember. But I’m super fucked.” Zac got up from the couch and grabbed the bag, rifling through it until he came up with the papers.

“Aggravated assault of a minor with a motor vehicle, reckless driving, and reckless driving causing grievous bodily injury. Fuck, Tay…” Zac sat back down next to him and ran a hand through his hair. “You’re gonna need a lawyer for this.” Taylor nodded.

“Yeah, but lawyers also cost money which is something I’m extremely low on.”

“We’ll talk to mom and dad. I know that you don’t want to, but they’re going to find out about this eventually. You know they’ll be less upset if they find out from you and you’re their kid, they’ll pay for a lawyer.” Taylor hung his head and snorted.

“Yeah, I’m sure they’ll be so excited to help out their loser son out of yet another jamb.” He felt pressure on his shoulder and looked over to see Zac had laid his head there.

“You’re not a loser, Tay. We’re gonna get through this. I wouldn’t lie to you, so just trust me, okay?” Taylor thought about it for a second before he nodded.

“Okay, Zac. I trust you.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)  
> 

Zac didn’t drink coffee. He didn’t even like coffee. He thought it tasted like hot garbage, but he’d been up since five in the morning, too anxious to keep sleeping, but too tired to exist without some form of assistance. So, after he’d gently crawled out of Taylor’s bed where he’d taken up residence since the day he’d picked him up at the police station, he’d brewed a pot, sitting at the tiny kitchen counter tucked away at the side of the basement room and drank all of it. He was feeling a little jittery as he stood there, tapping his fingers impatiently on the counter while waiting for the second pot to finish brewing. He had to wake up Taylor, they’d need to leave for the courthouse in a little over a half an hour and Zac knew that trying to pry Taylor out of bed at seven in the morning without coffee wasn’t even worth the hassle it would bring. When it finally finished brewing he fixed a mug and walked into Taylor’s room where he was on his side, curled up with both hands underneath his face. 

“Tay,” Zac gently shook Taylor’s shoulder, careful not to spill the coffee he was holding in his other hand. 

“Mmpfh,” Taylor swatted at Zac’s hand, not opening his eyes.

“I hate to wake you, you look real cute laying like that, but if you don’t get up we’re going to be late.”

As soon as the words left Zac’s mouth he regretted them. He’d been taking special care not to say anything that could possibly freak Taylor out. They’d come a long way in the short week since Taylor had opened up to him and Zac didn’t want to give him any reason to close himself back off and push him away. Having Taylor back, even this version of Taylor: a little bruised, a lot broken, was better than where they’d been. 

“Don’t wanna,” Taylor groaned, opening one eye and looking up at Zac. “Is that coffee?”

“It is,” Zac grinned. “I hope this is still how you drink it.”

Taylor rolled onto his back and then pushed himself into a sitting position, holding his hands out for the mug, which Zac passed over. He watched as Taylor took a small sip and then smiled, taking a larger one.

“Perfect.”

“Good,” Zac patted him on the knee. “Now, up! Get in the shower, make your hair nice, put on a tie.”

“What?” Taylor sighed. “Sounds like a lot of effort.”

“So does going to prison,” Zac retorted, shrugging.

Taylor groaned again, but swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. He took another sip of his coffee before placing it down on the nightstand, grabbing articles of clothing out of the drawers. Zac followed as he picked his mug back up and walked out into the living area of the basement. Taylor stopped walking halfway to the bathroom and turned to face Zac, a frown on his lips.

“Do you think that could happen?” He said quietly.

“What?”

“Do you really think-“ Taylor shrugged. “I could go to prison?”

Zac looked at him for a few seconds, not sure how to answer him. The thought had been lingering at the back of Zac’s mind for almost a week, eating away at him silently. He’d just started to get Taylor back, he didn’t know what he’d do if they took him away from him again.

“No, Tay,” he forced a smile on his face and shook his head. “Of course not, I was just being a dick.”

Taylor sighed and nodded, turning back towards the bathroom. As soon as he closed the door behind him, Zac dropped his head into his hands and breathed out. He didn’t know how, but he had to make sure Taylor stayed right here with him.

 

Why did it smell slightly like mothballs in the lobby of the courthouse? Why were the lights a really annoying hue of white? Why did they make it so that when women walked across the floor their heels clicked and clacked so loudly, reverberating around the entire room? 

Why was Zac Hanson absolutely losing his shit sitting on the ornate looking wooden bench against the wall?

When they’d arrived at the courthouse, Taylor had stopped walking in the middle of the lobby, putting his hand on Zac’s arm, his eyes meeting Zac’s.

“I don’t want to, but I have to do this alone.”

“What?” Zac shook his head. “Tay, you don’t have to do that, I came here to be there for you.”

“I know,” Taylor nodded. “And I appreciate that, more than I can tell you. But, I have to go in there and face what I’ve done. I have to do it by myself, for myself.”

Zac’s eyes moved in between Taylor’s. He looked sad and afraid and like he wanted to run right back out the doors and into the street. 

“If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure,” Taylor nodded again, squeezing Zac’s arm. 

Zac nodded, gently pulling his arm out of Taylor’s grasp and straightening his tie, then wrapping his arms around him and pulling him in for a hug.

“I’ll be right here, the whole time, okay?”

“Okay,” Taylor spoke quietly. “I’m so scared, Zac.”

“I know,” Zac rubbed his back softly. “It’s going to be okay, and I’ll be waiting right here when you get out. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Taylor pulled back, shaking his head.

“Of course you do,” Zac smiled softly, waving him away. “Now, go in there, keep your head up. I’m going to be out here willing good things into the universe.”

 

Now, Zac was sitting there, his legs bouncing up and down, his elbows resting on his thighs with his head in his hands. He was sure Taylor had been inside the courtroom for days. It felt like a week had passed while he’d been sitting there, going through every scenario that could be happening behind those doors in his head. 

They were going to take him away from him, he was sure of it. They were going to snatch Taylor right out from under him just when he was getting him back, and the thought was making his chest tighter than it had ever been. His palms had been sweating for ages, his legs were probably going to start dancing away from him at any moment with the way they’d been bouncing up and down. It was taking everything inside of him to not get up and burst through those courtroom doors, fall to his knees and beg the judge not to force him to lose Taylor all over again. 

Zac wasn’t sure how to deal with his feelings for Taylor, it was obvious to him that there was something more there, something deeper inside of him than the love he felt for him as his brother, but he didn’t know how to put a name on it. He knew that the way he could feel butterflies in his stomach, or a shock pass through his skin every time they touched, or the way that watching Taylor sleep at night gave him a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, was outside of the realm of brotherly love. He knew that it wasn’t exactly normal that on some nights, when he lay there in Taylor’s bed, watching as he breathed in and out, lost somewhere in dreamland, he wanted to lay small kisses on his forehead, his cheeks, he wasn’t supposed to feel that way. But, he didn’t know how to stop it, or even shove it down, and if he were honest with himself he wasn’t sure he even wanted to. 

Zac had never been anywhere close to in love with someone, he’d never even thought he had, but he knew suddenly that the feelings he was feeling and the way Taylor’s touch set a fire inside of him, that that's what it was. Whether he wanted to deal with that or not was irrelevant, it was time that he faced up to it. He knew he had to deal with it on his own, there was no way he could open up to his brother about this. It would ruin everything they’d built up and there was nothing more important to him than continuing to build with Taylor, getting them back to where they used to be. 

He heard the courtroom doors open and when he raised his head he saw Taylor step out of them. He jumped out of his seat and bridged the gap between them, only stopping when he was an inch away. 

“How’d it go?” He breathed, not sure he really wanted to know. The fact that Taylor was standing here in front of him was a good sign, but not good enough.

Taylor threw his arms around Zac, pulling him as close to him as he possibly could. Zac could feel Taylor’s heart beating quickly through their shirts and his fingers balled into the fabric of the back of Taylor’s button down shirt. 

“It’s okay,” Zac soothed, “tell me what happened.”

“I’m so lucky, Zac,” Taylor whispered into his ear and Zac could feel a couple of tears drop onto his skin. “I’m so lucky.”

“I knew you would be,” Zac couldn’t help but smile. He pulled back a little bit, putting his hands on Taylor’s arms. “Tell me everything.”

“Can we get out of here first?” Taylor looked towards the doors. “I feel like I’ve been here for days.”

Zac laughed a little, nodding his head. 

“You’re telling me, come on,” Zac moved one of his hands down Taylor’s arm, it landing on Taylor’s own hand. He tangled his fingers into Taylor’s like it was the most natural thing in the world and when he looked over at Taylor and saw he was smiling he squeezed just a little bit, smiling himself when Taylor squeezed back. 

They were almost at the door when it happened: a man in an expensive looking suit, stepping in front of them, holding out a manilla envelope towards Taylor.

“Mr. Hanson, I’m going to need you to sign this paper,” the man said, holding out a clipboard in his other hand.

“What?” Taylor shook his head, dropping Zac’s hand and reaching for the clipboard.

“Just sign, please.”

Taylor looked over at Zac, who shrugged. Taylor picked the pen off the clipboard and signed the paper hastily before putting it back down.

The man held the manilla folder out a little closer to Taylor, nodding once it was out of his hand.

“Have a good day, Mr. Hanson. You’ve been served.”

 

\--

 

The entire drive back home was a blur to Taylor. He vaguely acknowledged that Zac had led him to the car and gotten him buckled in, but all he could think about was the lawsuit documents in his hands coupled with the image of the girl he had hit, Angela, sitting in the audience in a wheelchair with a cast on her leg, looking extremely beat up. He almost hadn’t even paid attention to the judge when he was speaking, too consumed in his own guilt for what he’d done to that poor girl, but his lawyer had elbowed him just in time to hear all of the charges and repercussions.

They got home and went downstairs immediately. He thought he heard Zac tell his parents he would fill them in on how everything went at a later time, but he didn’t care to clarify. All he wanted to do was strip out of his good clothes and curl up in bed. He was in the middle of disrobing, his shirt already off and his pants unbuttoned, when Zac joined him in the basement.

“Oh, uh, sorry.” Zac’s face turned beet red, but Taylor couldn’t even crack a smile. He just looked at his brother blankly and dropped onto the couch, letting his head fall into his hands. He felt a dip next to him and then a hand on his back. “Tay, what happened?” He shook his head.

“She was there, Zac, the girl I hit. She was in a wheelchair, and she was so bruised up and battered, it looked like I killed her and then the doctors brought her back to life. I could have killed her, Zac, I could have!” He turned to look at Zac and bit his lower lip. “I could have killed her, but the only thing I have to do is take some defensive driving course, I lost my license for 6 months, and I have to be on probation for a year. How does that seem like any kind of fair retribution for someone who almost killed another person?!” He was getting even more upset about the situation, but he didn’t know how to stop. Before, he always had the pills, a crutch he could hold on to when the going got tough, but now that they were gone, his coping mechanisms were gone too.

“Taylor, please don’t get so upset. You made a mistake, but she’s alive, she’s okay!” Zac ran his hand up and down his back, but it wasn’t soothing him the way it had been since he got out of jail. All he wanted to do was run and get out of the house, to find pills, and to forget his entire life.

“I’ve made more than one mistake, Zac!” He got up from the couch and went looking for his shirt, yanking it on as he moved toward the stairs. “I’ve made so many mistakes, I don’t even know how to begin to make up for them anymore. I almost killed this girl this time, what happens next time? I’ll actually kill someone!” He raked his hands through his hair and gritted his teeth. “I shouldn’t have the chance to do this anymore, Zac, why do I keep getting chance after chance?!”

“Taylor, please, you need to stop!” Zac got up and took a few steps toward him, putting his hands up as though to show he wasn’t a threat. “I know you’re upset, I know you’re hurting, but you can’t think clearly if you’re so worked up.” Taylor snorted and let out a harsh laugh.

“No, Zac, my mind is too clear, all I can do anymore is think clearly! I can’t do this anymore, I can’t!” He turned around and dashed up the steps, though he heard the other man close behind him. He ran past his parents who were still in the kitchen and grabbed the keys hanging on the wall before making it out the door. He was in his car with the door locked when Zac caught up to him. He started banging on the driver’s side window, but Taylor refused to look at him, to make eye contact. If he looked, he would lose his nerve.

“Taylor, stop, please, don’t do this!” Zac’s voice broke on the last words he spoke and he felt so terrible for putting him through all of that. Maybe after he was done, he wouldn’t be around to worry after any longer.

\--

It only took 15 minutes for Taylor to locate his dealer and procure ten pills. He took three immediately and pocketed the rest, planning on hitting up the bar and taking the rest of them through the rest of the night. He meant to go to Caz’s and parked in front of it even, but he was drawn to Club Majestic, the music was pounding, even at only nine at night, and he had a feeling he would find exactly what he wanted to find there. He sat at the bar and got a few shots and a beer, downing the shots one after another. As he sipped on his drink, he felt a pair of eyes on him and turned around to survey the dance floor slowly. A smirk played on his face as he saw Adam practically boring a hole in him and he gave him a head nod to join him.

“Wasn’t expecting to see you tonight, you’ve been missing for a while.” Adam growled into his ear as he sat down on the chair next to him.

“Yeah, I was trying to do the sober thing for a bit, but fuck that.” He giggled and reached over to Adam, sliding his hand into his lap. “You wanna go play?” A bright smile overtook Adam’s face and he hopped off his chair, grabbing Taylor’s hand and heading to the bathroom.

Taylor took the lead once they were in the bathroom stall and pushed Adam against the wall, smashing their lips together as he rolled his hips against the other mans. They both moaned before Taylor dropped to his knees and started messing with Adam’s jeans. “What happened to you not being gay, cowboy? Isn’t sucking cock the definition of gay?” Taylor rolled his eyes and huffed a little bit.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you want a blow job or not? Cause I can just, like, not.” He acted like he was going to get up, but Adam reached down and pushed him back. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He took the tip of his cock into his mouth and licked at the hole, unsure if that was even the right thing to go. The sounds the man above him made seemed to indicate he was on the right track, and he took a little more in before backing off and licking again. It felt weird, having someone’s dick in his mouth, but it wasn’t as gross as he thought it would be. There wasn’t really a taste, the smell was a little weird, but not any more weird than going on a chick.

He pulled off and used his hand to jack his dick as he ran his tongue along the bottom of his shaft. He brought up his free hand to fondle his balls, something he remembered liking when Adam had done it to him, and that earned him an appreciative grunt. He replaced his hand with his mouth and bobbed up and down, not really getting too much pleasure from the act itself, but he really felt good about himself and his blowjob abilities. He took his dick as deep as he could before backing off rapidly, almost gagging. “Easy there tiger, you’re doing great, don’t kill yourself.” Adam placed a hand in his hair and led him back to his cock, which he took easily.

Taylor was a quick learner, apparently, and he actually started to enjoy what he was doing. The invasion, it felt almost natural, like he should have been sucking dick all along. Adam warned him before he was about to come, and he was quite thankful, not ready for that experience just yet. He got to his feet as Adam tucked himself back into his pants and headed for the stall door. “Wait, don’t you want one?” Adam sounded confused, but Taylor just looked back at him and shook his head, smiling.

“Nah. I owed you a few, right?”

\--

Back at the bar, he finished his drink and popped three more pills before he decided to call it a night. The drive home was a blur, he hopped a few curbs that he knew of, and almost took out his neighbor’s mailbox when he pulled into the driveway, but he made it. He was hopeful that Zac would be passed out when he got to the basement, he didn’t want to hear the lecture that he knew was coming his way. As he tiptoed down the stairs, he sighed in relief – Zac was laying on the sofa bed and looked to be asleep. He went into the bathroom and changed quickly, trying to keep all of his noise to a minimum, but when he opened the bathroom door, he saw he needn’t have bothered. Zac was standing there, his arms crossed in front of his chest, looking absolutely furious.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)  
> 

“You scared me.” Taylor’s voice was barely above a whisper, but it was loud enough for Zac to hear the way it slurred. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, Taylor,” Zac’s face was stone, his fingernails digging into the skin of his crossed arms. “Are you actually stupid or are you just trying to act as stupid as humanly possible?”

“What’s the big deal? I just went out for a little while.”

“You just-“ Zac tilted his head back a little bit. “What’s the-“ then shook it, taking a step forward so he was standing close enough to Taylor that he could feel his breath on his face, smell the alcohol on it. “You just lost your fucking license for reckless driving, and you’re plastered.”

“I’m not plastered, I just had a few drinks,” Taylor slurred, shaking his head. “I’m a better drunk driver than a-“

“Stop talking!” Zac shouted, throwing his arms up in the air. “Just stop! You might be able to convince yourself of all these bullshit lies and excuses, but not me.” Zac leaned in a little bit more. “I am here for you, but I will not stand by and watch you ruin your life.”

“Zac,” Taylor shook his head. “Zac really, it’s not a big deal, look, I’m fine,” Taylor forced a smile onto his face, putting both of his hands on Zac’s shoulders and walking them backwards towards the sofa bed. “See, I’m fine, I’m fine. Will you just...lay with me? I just need to lay down.”

Taylor kept moving them towards the sofa bed until the backs of Zac’s legs collided with it, sending him falling onto his back on top of the mattress, Taylor going down with him. He’d landed completely on top of Zac, their noses almost touching. 

“Whoops,” Taylor whispered, but didn’t move. 

Seconds of Taylor’s body pressed on top of Zac’s turned into minutes, Taylor just hovering there, his breath coming out in waves and rolling over Zac’s face. Finally, Zac put a hand on Taylor’s chest and gently pushed. 

“Tay, you’re crushing me.”

“Oh,” Taylor shook his head, rolling off of Zac onto his back next to him. “Sorry.”

“Why'd you do it, Taylor?” Zac sighed. “Why’d you take off? Why did you get hammered? And for the love of god, are you high right now?”

Taylor didn’t say anything for a while, just staring at the ceiling. He finally scooched up the bed so he was laying on the pillow and Zac followed, lying next to him. 

“Yes,” Taylor finally whispered, turning to face Zac. “I freaked out.”

“Give me the rest,” Zac sat up, holding his hand out. 

“What?” 

“The pills, give me whatever you have left.”

“I don’t have any,” Taylor shifted his eyes up to the ceiling, shaking his head a little bit. “I took them all.”

“You’re lying,” Zac leaned over him, putting a finger on Taylor’s cheek and forcing him to look at him. “Give me the pills, Taylor.”

“No,” Taylor shook his head again, squeezing his eyes closed. He was still slurring and Zac knew he wasn’t going to get anywhere with him. “I don’t have any!”

“God damn it,” Zac muttered, swinging a leg over Taylor’s body and straddling his knees. 

He stuck his hand in one front pocket, coming up empty, and then the other. When his fingers closed around the thin plastic of a ziplock bag he narrowed his eyes at Taylor and yanked it out of his pocket. 

“What’re these then? Huh?” Zac dangled the bag of four pills in front of him. “These a figment of my imagination?”

“Zac,” Taylor’s voice came out as a whine and he reached for the bag, Zac pulling it out of his reach. “I need them, you don’t understand. Give them back to me.”

“No,” Zac pushed himself off of Taylor’s legs and stood in front of the couch. He went to turn and walk to the bathroom, but before he could take a step, Taylor’s arms were around his waist, pulling him back down onto the bed. 

“Give me my fucking pills,” his voice was angry now, emphasizing the effect the liquor and the pills, had on it. He went to grab for the bag again, but Zac balled it up in his fist, shaking his head. 

“You can fight me all you want, I’m not going to give them to you.”

Taylor grunted, throwing his body at Zac’s, his hands moving wildly trying to grab at the hand Zac held the pills in, but Zac kept them just out of reach. 

“Give them back!” Taylor shouted, moving his body so they both landed on their sides on the bed, Taylor fighting for the bag, and Zac fighting to keep it away from him. Zac imagined that if anyone walked in to see this, it would almost look comical. 

“Taylor,” Zac put a hand on Taylor’s shoulder, pushing him down roughly so his head landed on the pillow. He shoved the pills in his back pocket and wrapped his arms around Taylor, pulling his upper body into his lap. “You need to calm down, okay?” Zac held onto him tightly, his hand moving softly over Taylor’s back. “I need you to calm down. You don’t need them, you’re better without them. I’m here, okay? That’s all you need, I’m here.”

Taylor wriggled around a bit, trying to get out of Zac’s grasp, but Zac just held on tighter. 

“You don’t get it,” Taylor’s voice was slightly muffled, and he fought more against Zac, but he wouldn’t give in. “Just fucking give them to me!”

“No,” his voice was steady and calm, his arms firmly wrapped around his brother. “I’m not going to give them to you, and I’ll tell you why.”

Taylor was still fighting against him, his fingers pulling at Zac’s arms. 

“I’m not going to give them to you because I need you to be better. I need you to be you again,” Zac could feel Taylor’s fingernails digging into his skin, he’d probably leave a few marks, but it didn’t matter, nothing else mattered. “I won’t let you destroy yourself, Taylor. I can’t let you because I love you.” 

Zac felt Taylor’s body drain of the tension that was in it, his entire upper body weight pressing down into Zac’s lap. 

“I got you,” Zac said softly, moving a hand to Taylor’s head and running his fingers through his hair. “It was a mistake, a slip up, but I’m here and we’re going to fix it together.”

Taylor nodded against Zac’s leg, and when Zac felt confident that he wouldn’t fight him anymore, he released his hold on him. 

“Come on, let's get you more comfortable,” Zac moved Taylor lightly so that he was laying on the pillow and he stood from the bed, removing his shoes and socks, then his jeans. “You need to get some sleep.”

Taylor nodded, his head on the pillow, eyes already closed. There was a single tear running down his left cheek. 

“I’ll be right back,” Zac laid a hand on his leg before walking quickly to the bathroom, dumping the pills into the toilet and flushing. He watched them swirl around the bowl and then out of sight and then flushed one more time for good measure before shutting the bathroom light off and walking back to the bed. 

He smiled to himself when he saw Taylor lying there on his side, his hands under his face. _That didn’t take long,_ he thought to himself as he shut the light off and stripped out of his jeans, climbing into the bed next to him. Just as he was covering them with the blanket, Taylor’s voice, just above a whisper, startled him. 

“Remember when we were kids, and one of us would get scared at night and we’d climb into each other’s bed and…” he trailed off, but Zac knew what he was getting at. 

“Yeah.”

“Do you think-“ 

“Yeah,” Zac said again, smiling to himself. He moved closer to Taylor, wrapping his arms around him, his back pressed against his. “This good?” 

“Yeah,” Taylor yawned, sticking one of his legs in between Zac’s. “It’s good.”

 

 

A hand running down Zac’s arm and over his hip, fingertips trailing across the stretch of his stomach exposed from his shirt riding up while he slept jarred Zac awake. 

Somehow during the night Zac had rolled over onto his other side, facing away from Taylor who was now pressed against his back, his fingers leaving tiny goosebumps across Zac’s skin. 

Zac was sure Taylor was asleep, dreaming he was somewhere else, with someone else, and he didn’t know if he should wake him, make him aware of exactly where he was and who he was with. 

When a puff of hot breath hit the back of Zac’s neck he felt every hair stand up on end. Taylor’s fingertips now drawing little circles on Zac’s skin having an undesired effect on him. He held his breath, willing his half hard dick to calm the fuck down, now was not the time. He didn’t want to wake Taylor, he figured he needed all the sleep he could get, but he wasn’t sure this was a predicament he should be getting himself into. Sure, it was innocent- 

Until Taylor’s hand slid down his body, landing directly on top of Zac’s half hard-on. 

Zac heard the small moan leave Taylor’s mouth as his hand moved over Zac’s boxer-clad erection, turning his half boner into a full blown problem. When Taylor’s lips landed on the back of Zac’s neck, his fingers sliding into the hole on the front of Zac’s boxers, he knew he had to stop him, wake him up before this went any further. 

Zac gently placed his hand on Taylor’s wrist, pulling it softly, but Taylor pulled back, his fingertips grazing across Zac’s dick. It sent a shiver throughout Zac’s entire body, and he sucked his bottom lip in between his teeth, rolling onto his back and pulling Taylor’s hand out of his boxers. He turned onto his side then, surprised when Taylor’s half lidded eyes met his. 

“Tay,” Zac’s voice was low. “I think you were...dreaming you were with someone else.”

Taylor shook his head slowly, reaching out with the wrist Zac still held, wiggling it out of his grasp and sliding his arm around Zac’s waist, pulling him closer to him. 

“What’re you doing?” Zac whispered. 

“Don’t worry,” his words were still slurred and Zac’s eyes moved up towards the clock on the wall, seeing he’d only actually been asleep for about forty five minutes. 

“Tay,” Zac said his name again, shaking his head. He put his hand on Taylor’s arm, pulling it from around his waist. “You’re really...impaired right now. You don’t know what you’re doing.”

“‘s not a big deal,” Taylor slurred, pressing their bodies together. When Zac felt Taylor’s erection press against his own he let out a breath, closing his eyes for a second. It shouldn’t feel that good. Your brother pressing himself up against you, his fingers on your skin, should not leave you with the incredible urge to climb on top of him and press your mouth to every available inch of skin on his body. 

“It's a big deal,” Zac said, moving his body away from Taylor’s, instantly mourning the loss of contact. 

“I know you got a blowjob in the parking lot of the club, I saw you,” it seemed to be taking a lot of effort for Taylor to get his words out straight and Zac frowned, the mixture of how far gone Taylor seemed to be and the knowledge that he had seen him with Adam causing his chest to tighten slightly. “I’m not good enough for you, but some random guy is?”

“It’s not that and we both know it,” Zac sighed, moving Taylor’s hair out of his face. “You wouldn’t be doing this if you weren’t so fucked up. You don’t want this. I’m your brother, Tay.”

“That’s always been the problem, hasn’t it?” Taylor mumbled and rolled over, facing away from Zac. 

What was that supposed to mean? Zac stared at the back of Taylor’s head, not sure how to take the words his brother just said to him, not sure how to process this entire situation. 

“Get back to sleep, Tay,” Zac spoke, reaching out and laying a hand on Taylor’s back, rubbing small circles. “You’ll feel better in the morning.”

Taylor didn’t respond, so Zac just kept rubbing his back until his breathing got heavier and he knew he’d fallen back to sleep. 

_That’s always been the problem, hasn’t it?_ played over and over again in Zac’s mind, coupled with the memory of the feeling of Taylor’s hand on him, his erection pressed against his own. Zac tried to shake the thoughts away, remove them completely from his mind, but nothing worked to replace the feeling of Taylor’s hand moving over him, his warm lips on the back of his neck. 

Zac rolled onto his back, slipping his hand inside his boxers. 

_Dear God, forgive me for what I’m about to do,_ he thought as he wrapped his hand around himself, looking over at his sleeping brothers back. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Zac?” He whispered as he worked up a rhythm, a small voice in the back of his mind screaming that he should have just let it happen. He should have given in to every sinful thought he’d been having, allowed Taylor to do to him exactly what he was now doing to himself. 

 

\---

 

Taylor woke up with a pounding head and an extremely sour stomach. He lay on his back with his eyes closed, trying to remember the night before when suddenly he remembered – Storming out of the house, buying pills, Adam at the bar, coming home to Zac… Trying to seduce Zac. He clenched his eyes shut tight, hoping maybe that if he could erase the thoughts from his memory, they would be erased in real life, but when he heard someone yawn, he knew it was no use. He opened his eyes and moved his head slightly to look at his brother, but even that little movement was too much for his stomach. It lurched and he bolted out of bed, almost tripping over the bed sheet, and got to the bathroom too late. He threw up on the floor, luckily not on the bathroom rug, but still all over the linoleum. He stayed on his hands and knees as his stomach heaved, bringing up all of the alcohol he had consumed the night before. 

He heard footsteps approaching and he felt awful, knowing that Zac would probably be the one to clean up his mess; Zac was always cleaning up his messes. Tears ran down his face as he finally stopped heaving and tried to back up from the vomit. He had to stop when his feet his something, but he felt a hand on his back followed by an arm slipping under his stomach. “I’m gonna help you stand up, okay? Don’t freak out, and please, don’t puke on me.” Zac’s voice was hot in his ear and the sound just brought back the memories from the night before. Taylor nodded though and held his breath as he was stood up and leaned against the wall. “Don’t move. I’m gonna clean this up and then you’re getting in the shower. You smell like a distillery.” He wanted to be offended, wanted to say something snarky back, but he couldn’t, he knew it was true. 

Zac was surprisingly efficient at cleaning up puke quickly, and before he knew it, he was being led to the shower. Zac turned the water on and got it steaming hot, just the way Taylor liked it, but he didn’t leave like he expected him to. 

“Um, if I’m showering, don’t you need to leave?” Taylor crossed his arms across himself self-consciously, not actually wanting his brother to leave.

“What and risk you falling out of the shower and cracking your head open? You’re probably still high, Tay, I’m not leaving you here to hurt yourself even more.” A rush of embarrassment rushed through him and he felt more shame than he had ever felt in his life. He was such a train wreck that he couldn’t even shower by himself anymore, what the hell kind of loser was he? He stripped naked and noticed Zac’s face turn red as a fire truck, which brought him back to the night before, and he became even more embarrassed than he already was. 

The water burned his skin when he stepped in, but he didn’t adjust the temperature. He let it run over his face for a minute, wanting to wash away all of the tears he had cried in the past few weeks, wanting to wash away the pain. Instead of calming the tears, however, thinking about everything seemed to make them even worse until he was sobbing under the water. 

“Tay, what’s wrong? Why are you crying, are you okay?” Zac peeked his head into the stall and he looked up at him, his face spelling out his emotions. Instead of saying anything or leaving him alone, Zac surprised the hell out of him and climbed into the shower with him, clothes and all. 

“Zac, what are you doing?” He croaked out, distracted enough from his crying to get out a full sentence. Zac reached for his washcloth and soaped it up before speaking. 

“I’m taking care of you. You need help, I’m here for that. Here for you.” He motioned for Taylor to turn around and he complied, letting his little brother wash his body. The act could have been sexual by nature, but Taylor knew what Zac’s true intentions were; he was doing what he had done for their entire lives and helping him to survive. He was actually able to calm down as Zac washed his hair, the feeling of hands in his hair relaxing his body and his mind. By the time Zac was helping him out of the shower, he was so zen, he knew he needed to just go back to sleep. 

Zac seemed to be on the same page because after he was dressed, Zac got himself dry sweatpants and coaxed him to the couch. They lay down together, legs entwined and in the same position as the night before. 

The next time Taylor woke up that day, he was woken up by his stomach gurgling and threatening to expel everything from his body. He was still wrapped up in Zac’s arms, but he pulled himself free and got out of the bed as quickly as he could. He knew he wasn’t going to make it to the bathroom and instead, grabbed a wastebasket next to the sofa just in time to throw up for the second time in as many hours. He felt a hand on his back and leaned into it as he dry heaved into the trash can, nothing left in his stomach to bring back up. When he was positive he was done, he placed it down next to him and got up from the bed. “Tay, sit back down, what are you doing?” Taylor waved behind him, he needed to brush his teeth and nothing was going to stop him. His mouth tasted like death and really, he needed a minute to himself as well.

When he got to the bathroom, he looked down at his shirt and pulled a disgusted face - puke was all down the front of it. He took it off and threw it into clothes hamper before turning to the sink. He brushed his teeth almost robotically, trying to think about the past 24 hours. He had fallen apart in front of Zac so many times since he had been home, and as much as he wanted to stop, to be strong, to stop being such a burden, he had to go and get high and fuck everything up again. Even while high, Taylor couldn’t comprehend why he thought it was a good idea to come on to Zac. He was his brother for fuck sake, he knew better! Not only that, but Zac didn’t even know… He didn’t even know that he was gay! Angry tears filled his eyes as he remembered giving Adam a blowjob the night before, but not because of the actual blowjob. He had spent so long denying to himself that he was gay and then he finally admitted it to himself, finally admitted it to some random guy at a bar by taking his dick in his mouth, but he couldn’t tell the one person he knew would never judge him, who would support him through everything? How entirely fucked up was that line of thinking? 

He slid down onto the floor and hung his head in his hands, trying to figure out how to make everything in his brain stop being so complicated. Zac deserved a better brother, a better friend, and he would never be able to live up to that. Zac’s feet appeared in his line of sight and he looked up, unable to keep the tears at bay. He instantly got to the floor and wrapped his arms around Taylor. He closed his eyes and cried, leaning into the other man's’ chest. “I’m sorry, Zac, I’m so fucking sorry, you shouldn’t even be here, I don’t deserve you, all you ever do is fix everything when all I do is fuck it all up.” He took a breath and gasped for air when Zac’s arms tightened around him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” His voice sounded pathetic even to him, but he didn’t know what else to say, what else he could do to convey to Zac how much apologetic he was for his very own existence. 

“Tay, why do you keep saying that? What are you sorry for?” Zac’s voice whispered soothingly in his ear and he hated it, how he could be so calm when Taylor was ruining his life. He shook his head and placed his head in his hands, trying to hide his emotions from his brother. “Tay, please, you’re scaring me.” There was, indeed, fear laced in Zac’s voice, and he couldn’t be the person to put that emotion there. 

“I’m gay.” The words came out almost without volume, it was the first time Taylor had ever said them out loud before, and immediately he wished he could take them back. Zac stopped moving, his hands stilling on his back, his body going rigid. 

“W-What?” He whispered, sounding as though he had just been run over by a train. Taylor took a deep breath. 

“Gay. I’m gay, Zac. I’m - I’m gay.” He pulled back from their embrace so that he could see his brothers face, but instantly regretted that decision. Zac looked like he had been handed a live wire and was actively being electrocuted. 

“That’s not funny, Taylor.” He said harshly and Taylor bit his lower lip. 

“I’m not joking, fuck, I almost wish I was, but I’m not.” He reached out and placed a hand on his little brother’s chest, applying a little pressure over his heart. “You leaving hurt me so much, but it wasn’t just the act of you leaving that prompted all of this, the pills, everything. I was so afraid of you coming out because it made everything that I felt, everything that I had been denying, so much more real. You weren’t afraid to be the person you were, Zac, and you weren’t afraid to go off and live your life. I wanted to follow you, to be just as fearless, but I’m not you, I wasn’t back then, and I’m not now. You coming back, it brought back all of the old feelings, and I hated it. I had figured out how to live my life well enough, and when you came back, it made me realize how hollow everything was. I want to be like you, Zac, I want to be fearless and ready to take on the world.” He let his eyes wander down to the floor before coming back up again to look into his brother’s eyes. “Will you show me how to?”


	13. Interlude - Zac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)  
> 

Zac Hanson has always had a good life. It was nothing spectacular, they weren’t rich and famous or anything, but they had everything they needed, including a whole lot of people to give them all of the love and support they could have ever asked for. 

They were brought up in church pretty much from birth, settling a deep seated knowledge inside of them that men and women were placed on this earth to love one another, marry, and procreate. There were no other options. Zac had spent a long time telling himself that the little feelings he felt and the small ways he knew he was different were all just nothing, would go away with time and maturity, but that wasn’t the case. 

Zac had strayed from god and from the things his family believed, but that wasn’t the only sin he’d faced in his life. 

For as far back as Zac could remember, he had been inexplicably and undeniably in love. How could that be a sin? It was easy to understand once you knew that for his whole life Zac had been head over heels in love with his brother. 

At first he’d just thought that it was their closeness. Of course Zac loved Taylor, and he loved him on a whole different level than his other siblings. He was his best friend, his confidant, his right hand. Their bond was the strongest thing Zac had ever known. But, as the years went on it became clear to Zac that there was much more to it than idolizing and worshipping your big brother. 

The first time Taylor went out on a date, Zac had stayed up all night in his bed, waiting for Taylor to come home. His stomach had hurt and the undeniable feeling of jealousy flowing through every vein in his body made him feel a little sick inside. When he’d finally heard Taylor coming up the stairs at close to 12:30 in the morning, he’d quickly thrown the covers over himself and turned towards the wall, pretending to be asleep. He didn’t want to hear about what a nice time Taylor had had with whatever her name was. The thought of listening to the details made him want to run to the toilet and vomit. 

Late to doing things that most boys his age had been doing for a long time, at fourteen, the first time Zac found himself in the shower, experimenting with sexuality and pleasure, he’d found himself fantasizing about what Taylor would look like if he were standing there jerking himself off. When all it took was fifteen seconds of imagining his brother masturbating to throw Zac into his first orgasm - a powerful and long one - he knew there was something wrong. 

Through the years they’d always had a loving and touchy relationship, cuddling in bed, rubbing each other’s backs, there were no boundaries between the two boys. There had been nights where they’d lay close together in one or the others bed and Zac would pray that Taylor wouldn’t move an inch, wouldn’t feel the way the closeness of his warm body turned Zac on. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if it were ever discovered that the only person who had ever made him hard, ever made him want to feel what it felt like to be touched, kissed, _loved_ , was his very own brother. 

It was terrifying and consuming and shaking the way that Zac knew that no matter how hard he looked, no matter where he searched, he would never, ever find someone who made him feel the way that Taylor did. Beyond the feelings, he knew that even if he found that, there would never be another connection between him and another person that could even come close to the one he shared with Taylor. It was almost as if some cosmic joke had been played on Zac: the person who was placed on this earth to be his soul mate was also placed there as his brother. 

When the disaster of coming out to Taylor had happened and Zac had left Tulsa for Georgetown, it was like a divorce for him. He’d gone from having this person by his side every single day of his life to them being gone with the snap of a finger. There was no slow fade, no lead up to their break, it came swiftly and with the force of a semi, slamming Zac in the chest and shattering his heart, leaving him to gather the pieces and attempt to somehow glue them back together all on his own. 

His first weeks in Georgetown were spent crying himself to sleep, missing Taylor so deeply that he was sure he’d never be able to move on from the hurt that simmered inside of his chest every waking minute of the day. When he wasn’t awake and missing Taylor, he was asleep and dreaming of him. His subconscious playing out tearful reunions that would never come, heartfelt apologies that he knew he would never hear. It took months for Zac to stave off the feelings of desertion and heartbreak that Taylor had drowned him in, but eventually the all encompassing pain had faded into a dull ache, still there, but not as magnified. Sometimes it was almost like it didn’t exist at all, until a particularly bad night would come along and Zac would be reminded of all he lost, all he was sure he’d never have again. 

Getting Taylor back came almost as quickly as losing him had, but with more gusto, more drama. Zac had always viewed Taylor as the strong one, the one who lead them through the obstacles life had thrown their way, the one who kept them whole when things should have torn them apart. But, that Taylor seemed to be gone, replaced with a new Taylor who needed Zac the way Zac had always needed him. 

Every feeling Zac had ever felt for his brother seemed to now be louder, stronger, with their new dynamic. Burgeoning disdain had flowered into unequivocal love, reckless and dangerous desire. The lingering thoughts of Taylor’s hands on him, the way he’d seemed to crave Zac, even for a split second, the way that Zac had always craved him, had set a spark inside of him, slowly burning into a more constant flame. He often thought that maybe he was going crazy, becoming so consumed with thoughts and feelings of want for Taylor that it was becoming difficult to turn them off and shove them away, see things clearly. 

Regret at turning off Taylor’s drunken, pill fueled come on had started haunting Zac. The thought that maybe, just maybe if he had let Taylor take things too far, he’d realize that they were meant to be getting lost in each other, because if there was one thing that Zac was certain of, it was that the universe would not have placed him and Taylor together, would not have grown a love so deep and unshakable inside of him, if it weren’t something that was supposed to be. 

Zac Hanson wasn’t sure about much, he second guessed himself on a daily basis and he didn’t think he was always right, but he knew he was right about him and Taylor. He just didn’t know how to accept the fact that they were, and they would always be, an impossibility.


	14. Interlude - Taylor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)  
> 

Despite the bravado he put on, Taylor Hanson was a very insecure man. He had spent his teenage years being gawked at by women and propositioned by many, simply because of the way he looked. He never really understood why people reacted that way, and honestly, he didn’t like it. They never seemed to want to know who he truly was; they just wanted to know the pretty face. Zac was the only one he could 100% count on to know him, inside and out, and love him for the person he was. When he left for school, even though Taylor had screamed at him for coming out, he had been so mean and cruel, he had fallen apart inside. He tried to put on a brave face, but every single day, it hurt him to get up out of bed and know that Zac wasn’t going to be there to talk to, to hang out with, to do everything and nothing with. He had started spending his days sleeping and drinking and then sleeping some more, only leaving the house when his mother threatened to douse him and his bed in water. 

Leaving the house was what caused him to break his leg. He went to the bar, got drunk, and decided to try to show off to a few ladies at the bar, He jumped up on top of the bar and started dancing, but he had been drinking for hours and his balance was shot. He fell off after a minute or two, hitting his leg on the edge of the bar, which caused his tibia to shatter right below the knee and broke the fibula in half. It was a nasty break, one that required a few surgeries to correct, and resulted in having a nine inch metal plate put in his lower leg to stabilize everything. He was given Percocet and Oxycontin for the pain, and boy did he need them. The pain was so bad most days, he was counting down the hours until he could take his next dose of meds. Once he had had his final surgery, his doctors warned him to start weaning himself off of the drugs, and he promised he could. 

Except then he didn’t. Once the pain was gone, Taylor realized how amazing it felt to be high on the drugs when they weren’t just making the pain go away. All of the emotional pain and torture he had gone through since Zac had left, it dulled to almost non-existent when he was high, and he soon realized he couldn’t live without the pills. He really did try to week off of them once, but he was so depressed and miserable for the week that he finally managed to get off of all of the pills that he turned back around and started taking them again. 

Obtaining the pills began getting harder and harder. His orthopedic doctor was concerned about the amount of refills he was requesting and wanted to see him in for an MRI to make sure nothing else was causing him pain, but Taylor never made that follow up appointment. He found a new orthopedic doctor on the other side of town, one who prescribed him the pills for a few months before he began asking questions and Taylor stopped making appointments. He finally turned to the streets, figuring it would be the safest way he could get pills without a doctor trying to get him into any kind of trouble or rehab or anything. A friend of a friend was a dealer and he soon found that he had a never ending supply of Oxy – Just as long as he had the money, of course. The one time he didn’t have the money, he was in a bad way and agreed to be a drug mule for a one time trip to the east coast. It was easily the scariest thing he had ever done, and he promised himself he would never get himself into that kind of situation ever again. He picked up odd jobs, working at gas stations mostly, and kept himself in a steady supply of the drug.   
His parents started noticing a difference in his behavior around the time that it had been a year since his accident, but he figured out that he could lie to them pretty well. All he had to do was tell them he was depressed and seeing a therapist and for the most part, they’d lay off of him. Diana, of course, still maintained her motherly habits of making him get up out of bed and eat a meal or two every day, but no one seemed any the wiser when it came to what he was actually dealing with. A little voice inside his head consistently told him that if Zac were there, he would know something was different, he would know that Taylor wasn’t alright. He would know what to do to make him feel whole again. 

He spent a lot of time thinking about his past, about him and Zac and their relationship while they were growing up. He knew that they had a different relationship, much different than the one each of them had with their older brother, Isaac, and still much different than any sibling relationship they saw between their friends and their siblings. Wherever Zac was, Taylor was right next to him, glued to his hip. A lot of people would probably have assumed that Zac was the one following Taylor around since he was the younger one, but more often than not, Taylor found himself the one who would follow Zac’s lead, letting him make the decisions. It didn’t matter to him what they did or where they went, just as long as they were together. 

He was fourteen the first time he realized that he and Zac had a much different relationship than he even realized. None of his friends would sleep in the same bed as their little brother still, and none of his friends liked to, well, cuddle with their siblings. He thought it was normal, he and Zac did it without thinking – if they were sitting on the couch watching TV, they just ended up gravitating toward each other and wrapping themselves around each other. When he mentioned this to his friends, they gave him a weird look and told him that they were really weird. He started second guessing himself when it came to Zac, but after a week of awkwardness, he decided his friends were idiots. He wanted whatever kind of relationship he and Zac had, they depended on each other. One couldn’t live without the other. 

The day Zac came out to him was one of the worst days of his life. Not because Zac was gay, but because Taylor had single handedly ruined the only good thing he had going in his life. He used the excuse of religion and God and Heaven and Hell when telling Zac he couldn’t be gay, but inside of his head, the only thing that kept screaming back at him was “TELL HIM YOU’RE GAY TOO!” But he couldn’t. He wasn’t strong enough to admit that he was also gay because what would that mean? Would that change their relationship? Would they finally be forced to acknowledge the elephant in the room in regards to their weird, more than brotherly relationship? Would Taylor be forced to admit to Zac, forced to admit to himself, that the feelings he had for his little brother were ones of romantic love instead of brotherly love? Most importantly, would he admit all of this to Zac, only to find out that he didn’t feel the same way? He couldn’t chance losing his brother over that, he just couldn’t; He would die without Zac in his life.

The day Zac left for college, Taylor watched his parents pull out of the driveway to take him to the airport, and he cried. He cried for hours, wishing there was something he could do to rewind time and change what he had said to him. He wished he could go to the airport and make some big, grand gesture to show Zac how much he loved him, but fear of rejection kept him frozen. Unless he knew exactly how Zac felt, he would never admit to anyone, not even to himself, how he felt about his little brother. 

Instead of focusing on his love for his brother, Taylor spent years building up his hatred for Zac. Everything bad in his life that had happened had happened after he left, and for Taylor, that obviously lay the blame on his little brother. Any time he would start thinking about their past, he would squash the memories down and replace them with feelings of anger and hatred. Before long, even the thought of Zac was enough to make his temper flare and his heart rate increase. Zac never came home for any kind of college visits, though his parents and siblings went to visit him at least once a year. He once eavesdropped on a phone call between his mother and Zac where she was practically begging him to come home for Christmas, but he was extremely stubborn and refused to come home. He hid in his bedroom that night and held a pillow over his face as tears streamed down his cheeks, wanting to be strong enough to be the person who could bring Zac back, could fix everything. 

The longer Zac was away, the less desire Taylor held for life itself. He wasn’t suicidal, per say, but he often had fantasies about what it would be like to go to sleep and never wake up again or what it would feel like to be in a car accident so horrific that he didn’t survive it. He started taking the pills and driving more, something he hadn’t really done before, and he knew it was because he was tempting fate to kill him. He went to the bar, got hammered, and got behind the wheel of the car, daring God to come down and murder him for all of the sins he had committed while on earth. Every time he made it home in one piece, he felt another piece of himself die – he didn’t want this life, why was he allowed to have it? Couldn’t he just die and let his life go to someone who would actually use it? He was a druggie loser, living with his parents and working dead end jobs, how did he justify the point of his existence?

When the suicidal ideations began to take over his life, he started taking more pills. When he was high, he wasn’t really lucid enough to focus on his self-hatred, and hey, maybe that was a win. He started going out more, mostly to Caz’s, and would find himself a new chick every night. He started to equate his self-worth in terms of how many women he could satisfy, and if he wasn’t good at anything else in his life, he sure knew how to please a woman. So what if Zac’s face popped into his head right before he came every now and then? It didn’t mean anything. He wasn’t screwing a dude, he wasn’t getting screwed by a dude, so anything that he did only meant that he was an A+ heterosexual male. Things that happened in his imagination didn’t make him gay, right?  
Zac’s return home threw him for a loop. He never expected him to return, he figured he would stay out on the East Coast and find himself a husband or whatever the fuck it was that he wanted to do. It was easier to be gay in Washington DC than it was to be gay in the Bible belt, or so he reckoned, so his decision to return was baffling. A large part of him wanted to make the last four years disappear – he just wanted to have his little brother back. An even larger part of him was scared shitless that he was going to be forced to confront his fears head on, so he reacted the only way he knew how – With anger and hatred. He wasn’t stupid, even when he was high, he could see all of the pain and hurt in Zac’s eyes when they fought and when Taylor would scream the worst things he could think of. But he couldn’t care, he couldn’t allow himself to feel any kind of positive emotion that could unravel his carefully constructed life. 

And then he hit rock bottom. Hitting that kid with his car wasn’t necessarily a wakeup call for Taylor, but it made his realize how his actions affected other people. Zac was right by his side, ready to help him from drug withdrawal, ready to help him be normal again, and he knew he didn’t deserve it. His little brother had so much love and compassion in his body, and Taylor felt like the worst kind of thief for taking any from him. He didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve any kind of kindness or grace that anyone threw his way, but somehow, the most important person in his life still thought he was worth it. Without even realizing it, Taylor had started referring to Zac as this person, but he felt no anguish about it. There was no self-hatred, no name calling, no negative anything when it came to how Taylor thought of Zac anymore. Maybe it had happened the morning after the accident, when Taylor spent hours crying into Zac’s shirt. Maybe it was the days he had spent with him in the basement bathroom, throwing up in the toilet as the other man rubbed his back and held back his hair. Maybe it was the nights when he would beg Zac not to leave him alone and he would crawl into bed with him, no questions asked. 

Whatever it was, Taylor was grateful that he seemed to be finally finding a light at the end of the tunnel. They still had a long road ahead, but he no longer felt like he was drowning. He finally had Zac back.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)  
> 

Taylor’s hand on Zac’s chest felt like fire. 

Flames were shooting out of Taylor’s skin and traveling over Zac’s, every inch of him heating up bit by bit until he was sure he was being consumed by flames. 

Zac was suddenly acutely aware of how dressed Taylor wasn’t, sitting before him on the cold bathroom floor in just his old pair of boxers. His eyes blurred as he stared at Taylor’s chest, not able to move them, afraid to look up at his face. 

“You’re-“ Zac shook his head slightly, squeezed his eyes shut. “I don’t…I don’t understand.”

“I didn’t either, not for a long time,” Taylor’s hand was still on Zac’s chest, still burning him. “It took you coming back for it to fully hit me, but I know now. I know why I hated you so much, why things were so bad for me. I didn’t hate you at all, Zac. I never did. I hated myself.”

“I-“ Zac shook his head again. There were so many things battling against themselves in his mind, he wasn’t sure if he had a clear thought, never mind one he could articulate out loud. He realized then that he should have known this. He had been there, he had seen Taylor with Adam. He’d heard Taylor with Adam. He’d heard Taylor say his own name that night, but none of these occurrences had settled in Zac’s mind and handed him the obvious answer. Taylor being gay was never something that Zac thought would ever be a fact in his world, and now that it was he had no idea what to do with it. “Tay, I don’t know what to say.”

“Do you hate me?” Taylor whispered, finally removing his hand from Zac’s chest. Zac was sure there’d be an imprint where Taylor’s hand had laid, a brand in the shape of his brothers hand. When he dropped his eyes down to look, though, there was nothing. No sign of the way a few simple words had made him feel, no remnant of a touch that he was sure should have left traces of itself behind.

“Hate you?” Zac shook his head, finally lifting his eyes to meet Taylor’s. “Why would I hate you?”

“I spent so long being awful to you for who you are, and I’m the same as you,” Taylor shrugged. His eyes were sharp, focused on Zac, all signs of how drunk, how high, he’d been earlier gone. 

“I could never hate you, Tay.”

Before Zac could continue, say anything else, Taylor’s arms were wrapped around him, his face buried in Zac’s neck. He was crying, hot tears leaving his eyes and rolling over Zac’s shoulder, beneath the neckline of his shirt. 

“It’s okay,” Zac spoke quietly, wrapping his arms around Taylor’s bare back. “You must be really confused right now, I don’t really know what you’re going through, but it’s okay.”

_It’s okay_ , Zac felt like he’d been saying those words a lot lately. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince Taylor or himself, but he surely was doing a great job of convincing somebody that things would be okay. Would they? 

“I’m sorry,” Taylor said again, sniffling against Zac’s skin. “I’m so sorry.”

“Please, Tay,” Zac rubbed his back, the feeling of Taylor’s skin underneath his hands something he didn’t know he was craving until it was there. “Stop saying you’re sorry. You have no reason to be sorry.”

“I feel like all I have are reasons to be sorry.”

“You have me.”

Taylor pulled his head back and looked at Zac, tears streaming down his face. 

“I have you,” he repeated, his voice low. “Will you promise me something? Can you?”

“Anything, Tay,” Zac nodded slightly, giving his brother a sad smile. “I’d promise you anything.”

“Never do to me what I did to you,” Taylor frowned. “I’m never going to forgive myself for wasting so much of our time. You’re the-“ Taylor shook his head, Zac could see he was trying to formulate a thought, or figure out how to get one out. His voice dropped to just above a whisper. “You’re the best person I’ve ever known. I can’t make it without you, never again.”

Zac could feel tears stinging at the backs of his eyes, threatening to spill over. He couldn’t cry, he had to be strong, not for himself, but for Taylor. He couldn’t allow his own feelings, his own fears, all of the things that he’d been feeling and thinking for his brother take over. Right then was about Taylor, it wasn’t about Zac. Once again, he had to be strong. 

“You won't be without me,” Zac pulled Taylor back into him, holding him tight against his body, forcing himself to ignore the stirring in his stomach that Taylor’s bare skin was igniting. “I’m going to be here, all the time, always. I promise.”

 

It was close to noon when Taylor woke up again, his face buried in Zac’s chest. Zac felt him shift and then rub his face against his t-shirt before tightening the arm that was thrown over Zac’s side. He heard Taylor sniffle and rubbed a hand lightly over his arm.

“You okay?” He said softly.

“Yeah,” Taylor turned his head up to look at Zac and then slid his body up the bed a little so he was laying on the pillow next to him. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” Zac shook his head.

“I have to,” Taylor smiled softly. “You should have knocked me out when I came home, and you didn’t. Then you should have knocked me out again when I told you that I’m-“ Taylor dropped his eyes to Zac’s chest. “When I said what I said, and you didn’t. Instead you let me hang on you like some kind of depressed spider monkey all morning.”

Zac snorted as Taylor moved closer to him, pulling him into a hug. 

“I’m going to get better, I’m not saying I won't slip up again,” Taylor said into Zac’s ear. “But, I’m going to try, the best I can.”

“You’ll do great,” Zac ran his hand up and down Taylor’s back, he could feel little goosebumps forming in his hands wake and it made him smile to himself.

“I know I slept all day, but if you keep doing that I’m going to fall asleep again,” Taylor laughed softly, pulling his head back and laying it back down on the pillow. His eyes were clear and Zac couldn’t help but smile.

“If you want to sleep, you should sleep,” Zac shrugged, continuing to rub Taylor’s back. “Your body could probably use the extra rest.”

“Yeah,” Taylor closed his eyes, his hand reaching out and landing on Zac’s side. “Stay with me?”

“Of course.”

Taylor smiled, shifting closer to Zac, moving his hand from Zac’s side to his back.

Zac rested his chin on Taylor’s head, his hands running up and down Taylor’s back, thoughts of everything that unfolded in such a short amount of time running through his mind. He wasn’t sure where they went from there, or how they moved forward, but he knew they would. Together, they were stronger than either of them were apart, and now that they were getting back to who they used to be, Zac was sure they could face anything life could possibly choose to throw at them. 

He was getting lost in his thoughts when Taylor let a tiny moan escape his lips. His eyes were closed and his breathing was a little heavier, the arm around Zac’s waist a little looser. Zac stopped moving his hand over Taylor’s back, his eyes searching Taylor’s face for any sign that he was awake and hadn’t fallen asleep, but none were there. 

Zac slowly started moving his hand again, down Taylor’s back and then slowly back up towards his neck. As he ran his hand back down, another little moan left Taylor’s mouth, and then another when Zac ran his hand up again. 

_You are a pervert_ , Zac thought to himself as he continued to rub Taylor’s back lightly, letting the sounds he was pulling out of him fall around him like a blanket. _You know you’re a pervert, so why can’t you stop?_

 

Twenty minutes later Zac found himself trying to gently pull himself out of Taylor’s grasp, something that sounded easier than it was proving to be. When he finally managed he grabbed his cellphone off the dresser and walked as quietly up the stairs as he could. Thankful that no one seemed to be around, he let himself out the door and sat down on the steps overlooking the backyard. His head felt damn near like exploding, thoughts of Taylor and all of the things that Taylor had been making him feel running through it, going in circles until Zac was sure he was on the edge of losing his mind. He scrolled down his list of contacts until he found the name he was looking for, hitting call and pressing the phone to his ear. 

“Bout time you called,” Piper’s voice greeted him, instantly making him smile. “Miss me already, huh?”

“Course I do,” Zac said, laughing softly. 

“How are things? Did a world war break out in the Hanson abode after I left?”

“Kind of,” Zac sighed. He filled her in on Taylor’s accident, his arrest, his withdrawal. She gasped and said _oh my God_ at all the right parts, listening intently, letting Zac vent. “But, there's more, there's something else, and I need to talk to you about this, I have to get it out and I can’t trust anyone the way I trust you.”

“You can tell me anything, Zac, you know that.”

“I know,” he sighed. “But, this? It’s a lot, Pipes. I need you to swear you won't hang up on me, banish me, and never speak to me again.”

“Literally nothing you could do could make me do that, you idiot,” Piper laughed. He could hear her shifting and he could picture her in his head settling down on the couch, pulling her legs up underneath her, getting ready to listen to whatever it was he had to say. 

“Don’t bet on that,” Zac rested his elbow on his knee and put his forehead in his hand. “I- I don’t know what's happening in my head, Pipes, but-“ he sighed, trying to find the words, trying to find a way to admit to what was happening in his head, say it out loud, release it into the universe. “There’s something wrong, I’m having all of these feelings, I can’t make them make any sense to me.”

“Are you feeling depressed again?” Piper’s voice took on a soft tone and Zac smiled despite the sadness that was building in him. 

“No, it’s not that,” he shook his head even though he was aware that she couldn’t see him. “It’s-“ he sighed again, irritation bubbling up in him. He’d never been afraid to tell Piper anything, nearly from the moment they had met. She’d been an ear for him so many times and for so many reasons and he’d never once felt uncomfortable or hesitant to open up to her, so why was this the hardest thing he’d ever done? “I think I’m falling in love.”

“What?! Piper squealed into his ear. “The L word?! _You_?! Tell me everything!”

“Don’t get so excited, calm down,” the smile on his face refused to be fought and Zac couldn’t help but thank god for placing Piper in his life. 

“What do you mean, calm down? You’re _falling in love_ that’s the mo-“

“With Taylor, Piper,” Zac hissed, his voice dropping to a near whisper. “I’m fucking falling in love with Taylor.”

Piper stopped talking and Zac heard her gasp. Neither of them said anything, both of them apparently waiting for the other one to offer the next words. Maybe Piper was waiting for Zac to laugh out a ‘gotcha!’ And maybe Zac was waiting for Piper to tell him it was okay. When what Zac was sure was a full decade passed by with neither of them uttering a single sound, he decided that he had to be the one to do it.

“Did you throw your phone in the toilet?”

“No,” Piper breathed. He could see her face. Her eyebrows knitted close together, she was probably picking at the skin on her lip. She always did that when she was confused or nervous. “What do you mean you’re falling in love with _Taylor_?”

“It’s complicated, and it doesn’t make any sense, and I know what you’re thinking. I know you’re thinking, wow, I thought I knew this guy, but he’s a pervert, he’s disgusting, he’s-“

“I’m not thinking any of those things,” Piper spoke over him. He heard her shift the phone again, but this time he couldn’t picture her. “I’m just thinking, wow, this must be really confusing and hard and I wish I was there for my best friend.”

The stinging in Zac’s eyes from when him and Taylor were on the bathroom floor returned, but this time he let the tears come. He never should have second guessed her, and he knew it. She’d always been there for him and he had no reason to think that would change now, no matter what it was that he had to tell her.

“I don’t know what to do,” he sighed. “I know it’s not right, but this isn’t something new, not really. There’s always been something there between us, for as far back as I can remember. We’ve never really had your typical brother relationship. We used to cuddle in bed, for God’s sake.”

“Okay,” Piper said, her pragmatic, straight forward voice of reason returning. “Okay, we’re going to figure this out. Tell me everything.”

 

An hour later, Zac told Piper he loved her and hung up the phone, standing from the steps and shoving it in his pocket. Talking to her had made him feel renewed, like he didn’t need to make himself sick worrying over the things he was feeling, he could just figure it out as he went along and try to make things as normal as possible between him and Taylor for now. The last thing Taylor needed while recovering from a slip up in his battle with those stupid pills was Zac sending their brains into a tailspin. One of them losing their minds was already more than they could handle at the moment. 

Zac grabbed a soda from the fridge and took the stairs to the basement two at a time, fully prepared to tear Taylor out of bed and force him out of the house to get lunch, but when he hit the bottom, his heart dropped into his stomach. 

Taylor was sitting on the middle of the sofa bed, his knees pulled up to his chest, tears streaming down his face. He looked up when he heard Zac and his mouth dropped open a little bit as he wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Tay, what’s wrong?” Zac walked over to the bed, placing his soda down on the small nightstand and sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“I thought you got tired of all of this,” Taylor threw himself at Zac, wrapping his arms around him. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Zac, I’m losing it. I woke up and you weren’t here, and you said you’d stay with me, I just freaked out.”

“I’m sorry, I just went outside to get some air,” Zac put his arms around Taylor, one hand landing in his hair, smoothing it down. “I didn’t leave.”

“I’m so stupid,” Taylor spoke into Zac’s shoulder. “I’m an emotional basket case.”

“You’re not stupid, you’re dealing with a lot right now,” Zac spoke softly, moving his hand from Taylor’s hair to his back and rubbing it again. “I wouldn’t leave you here. I told you already, I’m here, okay? You have to stop worrying about me leaving you.”

“You left before.”

“I’m not leaving again, Tay,” Zac pulled back, squaring his eyes with Taylor’s. “You have to believe that. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

\---

 

Taylor had never felt so many emotions all at once in his life. Coming out to Zac was equal parts liberating, terrifying, and nauseating, but waking up to find him gone after he promised to stay was probably the worst feeling he had ever experienced. Years of feelings of abandonment and loneliness pounded his heart and brain all at the same time, reducing him to a pile of shaking tears. When Zac came back down the stairs, Taylor almost felt his heart launch out of his chest, happiness joined all of the other feelings he was experiencing and he couldn’t keep from throwing himself into his brother’s arms. 

Taylor couldn’t believe how understanding of a person Zac was. If he were him, he would have dumped his sorry ass the second he started acting like such a dick, but Zac was… So fucking special. He had always been so special. All throughout their childhood, Zac was the only one he could lean on, the only one he could count on to always be there. When Zac promised him that he wouldn’t be leaving again, he wanted to believe him, so bad. He knew he wouldn’t survive if he left again. Taylor kept his eyes locked on Zac’s and bit his lip before speaking. 

“I won’t make it if you leave again, Zac. I-I’m not strong enough, it’s taken everything in me to make it these past four years.” Tears welled up in his eyes again and he closed them tightly, trying to get ahold of himself. 

“Tay, please.” The hands on his shoulders tightened their grip and he opened his eyes again, meeting Zac’s. He was stunned by the fire and passion he saw in them and he felt a stirring in the pit of his stomach, something he hadn’t felt in so long. “I swear on my life that I will never abandon you again, okay?” The words were spoken so fiercely, with so much conviction, and Taylor couldn’t hold himself back. He surged forward and pressed his lips to Zac’s, bringing his hands to his chest and curling his hands into his shirt. 

Zac reacted to the kiss almost immediately. The hands on his shoulders moved down to his waist as his lips moved against Taylor’s. His grip tightened even more into Zac’s shirt and he shifted slightly so that he was basically sitting on his knees in front of him. Zac pulled on his waist and Taylor leaned in, gaining a little leverage over the other man. He dropped his hands from his chest to the bed on either side of him and pushed himself forward, his lips never leaving Zac’s. Zac reclined back into the pillows and Taylor positioned himself so that he was bracing himself above him. They finally broke their kiss and Taylor looked down at Zac and it hit him – this was his little brother, his family, his blood, what the fuck was he even doing?! 

He scrambled off of Zac and got to his feet next to the bed. “Fuck, Zac, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me, I’m just… Fuck.” He raked his hands through his hair and avoided looking at his brother who was still sprawled out on the bed. “I fuck everything up.” He whispered before bolting to his room. He pulled on the first pair of jeans and the first shirt he could find before slipping on shoes and grabbing his wallet and phone. He walked out of his room, shocked to see Zac still in the same exact position, a look on his face that Taylor couldn’t place. He opened his mouth to say something, but Taylor shook his head and sprinted up the stairs. He needed to get away from the house before he wrecked everything in his life.   
\--  
Club Majestic had become such a staple in Taylor’s life for having mental breakdowns that he wasn’t even surprised to find himself parked outside. He walked in and surveyed the dance floor, it was mostly empty, still too early for anyone to be out, but he didn’t care. He walked to the bar and saw a familiar face and smiled – Exactly who he was looking for. 

He walked up behind Adam and placed his hands over his eyes. “Guess who?” He whispered in his ear and he heard the other man chuckle. 

“Brad Pitt?” Adam turned around in his seat, a grin plastered on his face already and Taylor rolled his eyes. 

“I’m so much better looking than Brad Pitt, you dick.” Adam looked him up and down, as if appraising his looks and shrugged. 

“Well, yeah, but I don’t want you getting a big head. Someone has to keep you in line, right?” Taylor’s stomach jolted, that someone Adam was talking about was definitely not him, but he shook the thought from his head. He was there to have fun, to forget about the colossal mistake he had just made. 

“Jokes on you, buddy, I know how pretty I am and no one can tell me any different.” He grabbed onto one of Adam’s hands and pulled on it lightly. “Come dance with me.” The other man followed him to the dance floor willingly, looking a little confused at Taylor suddenly being okay with acts of affection in public, but immediately placed himself behind Taylor and wrapped his hands around his waist. The song was loud with a good bass beat, something Taylor didn’t recognize, but he didn’t care. He wasn’t there for any other reason than to try erase the memory of kissing Zac and probably ruining everything in the process. 

Taylor knew how to dance dirty, but he had never been positioned in the front before. He was the one who always had some girls ass pressed into his crotch, but he found he didn’t mind. Adam was hard within half a song and Taylor relished in knowing that his body, his dancing, did that to him. He ground his ass back on Adam’s cock and smirked when the other man groaned low in his ear. Adam’s hands moved from his waist to his hips and then down even further, dangerously close to cupping his own hard on right there in the middle of the dance floor. He closed his eyes and almost encouraged Adam to touch him, to get him off, but then Adam’s hands were gone and he whimpered, protesting the loss. “Let’s get out of here.” Taylor turned around and saw a twinkle in the other man’s eye, one that excited him and terrified him at the same time. 

“My house should be empty. Follow me in your car?” Adam nodded and followed his lead, making their way out to the parking lot. Taylor pushed Adam up against his car and pressed their lips together, unable to stop himself. He was horny and knew he couldn’t wait the entire drive to at least kiss him. They stood there for a few minutes, hands wandering and hips rolling, low moans turning into loud ones before long, and Taylor knew he needed to stop before he came in his pants like a teenager. “Let’s get to my place. I’ll fuck you right here, right now, if we don’t stop.” Adam’s eyes were gazing him with so much lust, a look Taylor hadn’t seen in so long, and he groaned. 

“Let’s go then, can’t have you wasting any more time.”   
\--  
By the time they reached Taylor’s house, he was so worked up thinking about what was about to happen that he pounced on Adam as soon as they were out of their cars. He noted that his parents car and Zac’s car were both gone from the driveway, thank god, so it was safe to kiss the other man without worrying about interruption. They made their way through the house and down the stairs to the basement, somehow not falling or hurting themselves in the process. Once they reached the basement, Taylor led the way to his bedroom and immediately took off his shirt and kicked off his shoes. Adam followed his lead before advancing on his again, bringing their lips together again. He backed them up to Taylor’s bed and he let himself be pushed back to the mattress. Adam made quick work of getting off his pants and boxers and Taylor barely had time to register that he was naked for the first time in front of another man before his dick was in the other man’s mouth. 

He was hard almost instantly, his body vividly remembering just how skilled Adam was at blowjobs. He slid his fingers through his hair and gripped tight, keeping his head in place as he began to thrust his hips slightly. They’d never done anything like that before, it had always been just blowjobs, but if they were going to be fucking, Taylor wanted to experiment with a couple of other things as well. 

Adam moaned around him as he relaxed his throat and took him in all the way. Taylor threw his head back and continued to fuck the other man’s mouth until he felt his orgasm coming on. He released his grip on Adam’s hair and nudged him up the bed, bringing their lips together. He almost laughed, thinking about how he had gotten so grossed out when Adam had tried to kiss him after giving him a blowjob, but then Adam’s hand was on his cock and he lost the ability to think clearly. He pushed his tongue into the other man’s mouth and reached down to his pants, struggling with the button for a second before getting it popped open. He slid his hand into his pants and took hold of Adam’s dick, pumping it in rhythm with what was being done to him. He started to speed up as he felt his orgasm approach and Adam reciprocated, moaning into his mouth as they enjoyed each other’s touch. He came with a loud groan, unable to stop the sound, and Adam followed right behind him, his own moan mixing making its way out of his throat. 

Taylor opened his eyes and jumped with shock. Zac was standing in the doorway, his face red and eyes filled with seething hatred and jealousy.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)  
> 

Zac could feel the fire again, except this time it was white hot, raging through every inch of his being, threatening to unleash itself in a wave of violent words. Maybe even violent acts. 

The wide spectrum of emotions Taylor could evoke in Zac weren’t lost on him. Only a handful of hours ago Zac was bursting with so much love that he didn’t know what to do with it. Now? There was such a mix of emotions running through him he wasn’t sure there was a name for the combination. Anger, betrayal, jealousy, hurt, it was all there. All begging for Zac, screaming at him, to yank the man wrapped around his brother away from him and knock his teeth down his throat. Tell him that Zac didn’t take well to people touching his things, and Taylor was his. 

Was he? Was Taylor his? He wasn’t sure what Taylor was to him anymore, but what he did know was that he sure as shit wasn’t Adam’s, and this weird circle they had going on was going to end right now. 

“Zac,” Taylor finally breathed after what felt like hours of their eyes locked on each others. Adam turned his head, what could only be described as a shit eating grin appearing on his face when his eyes met Zac’s. 

“Oh hey,” he drawled, Zac not missing the way his hand slid up Taylor’s side. “You wanna join, or-“

“Get the fuck out,” Zac spat, not moving an inch. 

“We’re just having a little fun, you don’t have to feel jealous.”

“You’re going to feel my fist in your face if you don’t get the fuck off of him and get out of here,” Zac hissed, finally breaking his stance. He moved around the room, picking up Adams shirt, his shoes, and tossing them at him. 

“Zac,” Taylor spoke again as Adam pushed himself off the bed, grabbing at this belongings. 

“No,” Zac held his hand up. “We’ll talk about this once _he’s._ gone.”

“You don’t have to lea-“ Taylor turned his head towards Adam. 

“Yes you do,” Zac interrupted. “Faster would be good.” 

“You don’t,” Taylor said again, standing from the bed. “What’s your problem?”

“Look, I’m not trying to get in the middle of any of your weird two-gay-brothers drama,” Adam pulled his shoes on, walking towards the door. Once he reached Zac, he leaned in a little, whispering in his ear. “Don’t be jealous, I still like your dick too.”

“Just get out of here,” Zac rolled his eyes, motioning towards the door. “This thing going on? It’s done now.”

“Do you always make decisions for your brother?” Adam turned as he left the room. 

“When he’s making poor ones for himself, yeah, I do. Is that a problem?” Zac took two steps towards Adam, who shook his head, holding his hands out in front of him. 

“I get the message,” he turned and walked towards the stairs. Zac waited until he heard the door slam shut and then turned back towards Taylor, his eyes narrowing. 

“How could you be so stupid?” Zac yelled, throwing his hands up. “I thought we were moving past the Greatest Hits compilation of your worst fucking mistakes?”

“How is it any of your business what I do? What is your deal?”

“You have to stop doing these things!” Zac threw his hands up. “You're just making fuck up after fuck up, you have to stop!”

“How dare you act so holier than thou, last I checked, you didn’t mind it so much when you were getting your dick sucked in the car!” Taylor shouted back at him, his face twisted up. He grabbed his shirt from the floor and pulled it on. “So what, you can have all the fun you want, but I can’t?”

“That was before, things are different now! And this isn’t about me!”

“Things aren’t different just because you say they are!” Taylor spat back, his hands balling into fists. “I’m just coming to terms with things, you’ve had years to deal with who you are.”

“Coming to terms doesn’t mean you need to fuck some random guy who blows you in a public bathroom,” Zac could feel his face heating up, he wanted to pick something up and hurl it at Taylor, let it hit him in the face, maybe then he’d know what walking in on what he did made him feel.

“You’re being a dick, Zac!” Taylor shook his head. “You’re acting like me going out and finding out what being gay really means is worse than anything I could have ever done.”

They stared at each other, each of them willing the other to back down, but they both knew it was hopeless. They each believed they were right, and there was no wiggle room.

“This isn’t about you exploring what being gay means, Taylor!”

“Then what is it about? Tell me, because I don’t understand! You want me to be happy,” Taylor tilted his head, taking a step towards Zac, not closing the gap between them. “But then when I actively seek out things to make me happy you get mad.”

“He isn’t going to make you happy. All he wants is to hook up, you should know that by now. Come on. Taylor! Do you really think that meaningless hookups with some club slut is going to be the thing that makes you happy?”

Zac was shouting now, his hands waving around as he spoke. He realized that he wasn’t making too much sense, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was Taylor getting it through his head that Adam wasn’t for him. 

“Maybe it is! Did you ever think that maybe I’m not like you? Maybe I like hooking up, maybe I like no strings attached.”

“No you don’t!” Zac shook his head, his voice raising further. “You don’t and you know you don’t! Stop doing this shit, Taylor! God damn it!”

“Why are you so mad?” Taylor took one more step towards Zac. “What is it? Just say it? Why are you-“

“Because!” Zac threw his arms up one more time, letting them slam down on his sides. He physically felt himself deflate, all of his anger vanishing as quickly as it had come. “God damn it, Taylor. Because I’m fucking in love with you!” 

“What?” Taylor’s voice was quiet, laced with shock and something else that Zac couldn’t name. 

“I’m-“ Zac shook his head, shrugging his shoulders. “Fuck. I’m in lo-“

Before he could repeat the words, Taylor was across the room, his hands on either side of Zac’s face. His lips crashed into Zac’s, hard and fervent, as if he were trying to solve world peace with every movement of his lips. 

Taylor’s hand slid from Zac’s cheek to the back is his neck, his other hand landing on his back, pulling Zac as close to him as he could get him. When Taylor’s tongue slid into Zac’s mouth, Zac couldn’t help the moan that left him, or the way he slid his arms around Taylor’s waist, pressing their bodies even harder together. 

When Taylor finally broke their kiss, pulling back, Zac felt his mouth follow Taylor’s, not wanting the moment, the feelings, to end. When Taylor’s eyes met his - wide, clear, open, for the first time since Zac had been back - Zac felt the earth move, tiny shudders underneath his feet, signaling that everything was suddenly different. Nothing would ever be the same after this moment. 

“You’re in love with me?” Taylor whispered, both of his hands finding Zac’s face again. 

“Yeah,” Zac spoke softly, shrugging. “I don’t know how it happened or if I should be trying to make these feelings go away, but they’re here. I can’t fight them anymore,” Zac took a hand off of Taylor’s back and ran it through his hair, letting out a sigh. “ I’m in love with you.”

Zac shrugged again, his eyebrows drawing together. How do you come back from this? He was sure everything was now ruined, Taylor would freak out, he’d run away and Zac would lose him all over again. For good this time. So when Taylor’s lips landed on his again, kissing him softly, the way you’d kiss someone who you can’t live without, Zac felt hope blossom in his chest. 

Taylor kissed him one more time, his fingertips digging into Zac’s cheek just enough to leave a tiny tingle behind, before drawing back, his blue eyes shining, fixed on Zac’s. 

“Thank God,” Taylor smiled, placing another quick peck to Zac’s mouth. “Because I’m in love with you too.” 

 

\---

 

In Taylor’s entire life, if he’d been asked what the best feeling in the world was, he would have responded getting high for the first time, no doubt. It was a feeling he had never been able to replicate, no matter how many times he tried, but suddenly, kissing Zac and hearing how he felt, telling Zac how he felt himself, he realized that the feeling of getting high was nothing compared to that. His entire world shattered and came back together in an instant, all of the parts shiny and new, and he felt unstoppable, untouchable. 

“I love you.” He repeated, a huge grin breaking out on his face while his heart started pounding out of his chest and his knees grew weak. He was a walking romance story cliché, but he didn’t care. It had taken him 24 years to understand and build up the courage to tell Zac how he felt, but now that he had done it, he couldn’t stop. He leaned in and pressed their lips together tenderly, trying to pour every ounce of emotion into one touch. When he pulled back again and looked into Zac’s eyes, he saw the same amount of love coming right back at him. He took Zac’s hands in his and led him out to the living room sofa – he was dumb sometimes, but he also knew enough not to bring him back to the bed he and Adam had fooled around on less than half an hour previous. 

The sofa was disheveled, probably hadn’t been made in weeks, but he crawled his way to the top and reached an arm out, inviting Zac to join him. Zac took his hand and made his way to him, though instead of sitting next to him, he straddled his lap and brought his hands to his shoulders. “I’ve been waiting to do this for so long.” Taylor shivered, Zac’s voice coming out low and husky, and he couldn’t hold himself back. He pushed forward and captured his lips, pushing his tongue into the other man’s mouth fervently, groaning low in his throat as their tongues met. Zac’s hands made their way to his hair and pulled slightly, causing another moan to sound from Taylor. He brought his hands to Zac’s hips and pulled him down so that he was sitting on him. He felt how hard he was already and while the thought excited him to no end, it kind of scared him. 

“Zac, Zac, we need, we need to slow down.” Taylor pulled away a little and looked into his brother’s eyes. A flash of hurt and rejection passed over his face and Taylor brought his hands to cup his cheeks, giving him a small peck. “I don’t want to move too fast.” He bit his lower lip and let his hands fall to the bed on either side of him. “I’m really good at fucking things up, ya know? You know that more than anyone, actually, and this isn’t something…” He paused, trying to figure out how to convey his feelings into words. “You mean too much to me, this means too much to me, to just have a fleeting moment in our lives. If we do this, I want this to be for the long haul.” 

The look on Zac’s face was one he had a hard time reading, and it kind of scared him. He climbed off of Taylor and sat down next to him, folding his legs in front of him before speaking. “When you say you want it to be for the long haul, what exactly do you mean?” He sounded so unsure of himself, so scared, and Taylor wished he could do something to reassure him more. 

“It means that I’m done having sex with random people, Zac. It means that I’m done hooking up in bathrooms at clubs, or bringing anyone back to the house.” He had to take a deep breath as his voice started wavering. His feelings, however wrong or seemingly sudden they appeared, were so much more intense than anything he had ever felt and the last thing he wanted to do was to scare Zac off by being too intense. He took one of his hands and placed it over Zac’s heart and took one of Zac’s hands and placed it over his. “It means that you and me, we are a we.” He laughed at how corny he sounded, but continued. “It means that I want to be with you through the good and the bad, the ugly and the pretty, and anything else that life has to throw at us. For the rest of my life, I only want to continue living it with you by my side. If you’ll have me.”

Zac surged forward and captured his lips in a kiss. He was caught off guard and fell back against the bed, laughing when their lips came apart as a result of the impact. “Am I dreaming?” Zac lay down next to him, pressing as close as he could while still being able to look at his face. “Do you realize how long I’ve felt this way? I never, not in a trillion years, thought that you would feel even remotely the same way, and now that I know that you do, I just feel like, like…” He trailed off. He brought his hand to Taylor’s arm and let it rest on his bicep, just enjoying the feeling of the other man under his touch. 

“You feel like you’re dreaming?” Taylor teased, sticking his tongue out a little before letting a smile overtake his face. “I just can’t believe that after everything I’ve done in my life, I’m still allowed to feel some kind of happiness, ya know? I thought I would have used up all of my happy credits a long time ago, I’ve been such a horrible person for so many years.” The smile slid from his face and he cast his eyes down, wanting to avoid looking into Zac’s. “I never thought you would forgive me for everything I’ve put you through, let alone… All of this.” 

“Hey, Tay, no.” Zac reached over and tilted his head up so that they were looking at each other eye to eye. “We’ve both done and said some pretty terrible things to each other. You can’t beat yourself up about it, you can only move forward. If you want us to succeed, you can’t keep dwelling on the past, okay? I could have treated you a hell of a lot better than I did, but the only thing I know is that I’m never going to treat you like that again. We can’t change the past, but we can make sure we don’t repeat our mistakes.” Taylor bit his lower lip before nodding his agreement. 

“I don’t know how long it’ll take to forgive myself, the only thing I can do is promise to try to work through it though, okay?” Zac smiled lightly and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

“A promise to try is all I ask for.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)  
> 

Zac had never felt pure bliss before.

He’d never been touched and physically felt love seeping through his pores from the other person's skin, he’d never been a victim of butterflies in the stomach or pure undiluted want for another human. But, laying on that old sofa bed with Taylor, each of them on their sides, lips moving lazily together, he could swear that he’d died and gone to his personal version of heaven. 

“This is taking it slow, right?” Taylor whispered between kisses, his hand moving underneath the hem line of Zac’s shirt, landing on the small of his back. 

“Yeah,” Zac grinned, leaning in and kissing Taylor again. “This is slow.”

“And good,” Taylor said, his lips pressed against Zac’s. “It’s good.”

“So good,” Zac’s grin turned into a full smile. He pulled his face away from Taylor’s, just enough so that he could see him. “You’re going to take the lead here, okay? Whatever you’re comfortable with, whatever you’re not...it’s all okay with me.”

“Why are you always so good to me?” Taylor brought a hand up to Zac’s cheek, his eyes moving between Zac’s. “No matter what I’ve done, or what I’ve put you through, you’re always so good to me.”

“I told you,” Zac smiled again. “I love you.”

“I didn’t know how badly I needed to hear that until you started saying it,” Taylor smiled, pulling Zac back to him. “Don’t stop saying it, okay?”

“Okay,” Zac kissed him once. “I love you,” and again. 

This time it was Taylor smiling against Zac’s mouth, both of his hands finding Zac’s back, his warm fingers trailing underneath his shirt and over his skin. 

Taking it slow for Taylor was something Zac was fully prepared to do, but he was beginning to realize how hard it was going to be. Just the feeling of Taylor’s mouth on his was enough to get him ridiculously hard, but the feeling of Taylor’s skin on his own was something else entirely. Zac wasn’t sure what it was like to have sex with someone, but if it was anything like the simple act they were doing now, he wasn’t sure he’d survive it. Maybe they needed to take it slow for both of them. For their health. 

Just as Zac was thinking about what it would be like, the day when eventually they were in a place where they could be fully free with each other, Taylor’s hips pushed into his and he was helpless against the low groan that left his lips. 

He was sure it was an accident - except then Taylor did it again, their kiss deepening, getting more urgent, maybe a little sloppy, but in a good way. 

One, two, three more times Taylor rolled his hips into Zac’s, both of them nearly panting into each others mouths. Pressure was building in Zac’s head, his stomach was pretty much on fire. He had to use every ounce of strength in his body to place a hand gently on Taylor’s chest, pushing him gently back before laying a quick peck on his lips.

“It’s not slow anymore,” Zac breathed. “I’m not- I-” Zac shook his head a little and then smiled. “I’m not saying I don’t like it, because I do. I just...I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for.”

“It feels so good,” Taylor whispered, and Zac was struck by the innocence in his voice, the bashful look on his face. Zac was no idiot, he knew that Taylor had been with plenty of people, probably more than Zac wanted to know about if he were honest with himself. It was almost endearing how in that moment he looked like a teenager, engulfed in the high of fooling around, rubbing up against someone for the first time. 

“It does,” Zac grinned, running a hand over Taylor’s cheek, brushing back a stray hair. 

“How?” Taylor shook his head. “How does it feel so good?”

“Because,” Zac smirked, poking Taylor gently on the nose. “I love you.”

 

An hour later, Zac finally sat up and suggested to Taylor that they get dressed and go do something, anything normal. He needed to find a job, and he was hungry, so he persuaded Taylor to accompany him to search for one and then he’d treat them to lunch with what little money he had left. 

They were walking upstairs, Zac gently holding onto Taylor’s hand, the two of them finally feeling really content for the first time since Zac had been home. When they reached the kitchen Zac saw their mother at the sink with her back to them, so he squeezed Taylor’s hand lightly and then let go. 

“Hey mom,” Zac wrapped an arm around her, laying a kiss on her cheek. 

“Hey yourself,” she smiled, turning the sink off. She turned and saw Taylor standing behind Zac and smiled. “I love seeing you two back together.”

“Me too,” Taylor hugged their mom. “I’m going to go with Zac to help him find a job.”

“That’s great. Just remember, you can’t drive,” Diana leaned against the sink, crossing her arms lightly over her chest. 

“I know,” Taylor shrugged. Zac could tell the mention of his punishment made him slightly uncomfortable. “Listen, Mom, I need to tell you something.”

Zac looked back at Taylor, lifting an eyebrow. 

“Sure, anything.”

“Well, you know all about the last court date and everything, but there is something I didn’t tell you.”

Zac felt his stomach twist and he held a hand up, “maybe we should sit down?”

“No, it’s fine, Zac,” Taylor gave him a small smile before turning back to their mom. “I just...I was afraid to tell you, I didn’t want to disappoint you anymore, but in two weeks I have another court date. The girl- Angela- her parents...they’re suing me.”

Diana let out a sigh and took a couple of steps towards Taylor, wrapping him in a hug.

“Your father and I figured this was coming,” She rubbed his back lightly and then pulled back, looking up at his face. “This is all a part of the repercussions for your actions. Your father and I are here for you, and we’re going to help you out, but you’re also going to need to be getting a job, so why don’t you put in applications while you’re out with Zac.”

Taylor nodded, stepping away from his mom. Zac could tell his spirit had taken a small hit, but he was trying to remain positive. “Thanks Mom.”

“I know we’re hard on you sometimes, sweetie, but we’re just trying to do what’s best for you.”

“I know,” Taylor started walking to the door. “You’re not hard enough on me sometimes, I think.”

Zac shrugged at his mom and followed Taylor outside and to the car. 

“You okay?” Zac finally asked after they’d buckled up and pulled out of the driveway.

“Yeah,” Taylor turned to him, offering him a small smile. “I just feel like I’m going to be reminded of my mistakes every time I turn around for a while now, and I know I deserve it, it’s just hard.”

“Hey,” Zac held his hand out, closing it around Taylor’s when he placed his own hand in it. “We’ll get through it, like I keep telling you. It’s going to be fine. Someday, we’ll look back on all of this as a distant memory. You’ll be better for it, too. I promise.”

Taylor nodded, smiling a little wider. They drove into town in a comfortable quiet, hands clasped, humming lightly along to the music coming through the speakers. Every time Zac glanced over at Taylor, he smiled when he saw that Taylor was looking at him too.

_How far we’ve come in just a short amount of time,_ he thought to himself, squeezing Taylor’s hand and smiling brightly at him.

 

Zac finally found a job. 

One that pays you in money, one that might be able to help him get on his own two feet again. Sure, it was just a used bookstore, it had nothing to do with the degree he’d worked so hard to obtain, but he’d walked in at the right time, the day after the previous manager had quit without notice. His first thought after being hired was that he wouldn’t be around as much to keep an eye on Taylor, but that was washed away by the pride and excitement in Taylor’s eyes when they’d walked out of the store. He’d wrapped Zac in a huge hug, something he would have never done just a short couple of weeks ago, and squeezed him tight, whispering that he knew Zac would find something soon. 

They’d walked to a cute little diner for lunch after, sitting next to each other in the booth instead of across the table from one another. It caused a few weird looks from the waitress and a few other patrons, but Zac didn’t care. He’d spent so long with an invisible barrier between the two of them that he was happy to have it demolished. The less empty air between them, the better, as far as he was concerned. 

They ordered sodas and burgers, Taylor laughing when Zac’s stomach made a loud gurgle just as the waitress walked away.

“Some things never change, huh?” Taylor was smiling so big, his eyes shining, as if the old Taylor had never left, never been replaced by a hollow shell of himself.

“Guess not,” Zac shrugged, smiling back. The way Taylor was looking at him was doing his head in. He’d never felt such a cosmic pull towards something in his life, and if he were a braver man, he’d have given in to every urge screaming inside of him at that moment and he’d have leaned in and covered the other man's mouth with his own. He knew he couldn’t, but there was nothing he wanted to do more than tell the entire world that Taylor Hanson was his to have, and that if Zac had anything to say about it, he would be for the rest of their lives. 

He knew that he could never do that, though, and the thought pushed a dagger through his heart. He knew that for as long as him and Taylor were in this thing - and Zac planned to be in it to win it - it would have to be a secret. They’d never be able to walk down the street hand in hand or kiss in the park. They wouldn’t be able to post mushy love notes to each other on social media or flash their love in the faces of their friends and family. But, the more Zac thought about it, the more okay he was with that. He figured, the less outside forces working against your relationship, the better the odds were that it would survive all of life's hurdles. They could have this little secret, and they could make it the best gift they’d ever been given. 

 

They ate their lunch, Zac eating all of his and what was left of Taylor’s and took a drive around town, reminiscing on times they’d spent together in the past. Taylor was in such good spirits by the time they got home that that always present thought that he could snap at any moment was almost extinguished from Zac’s brain. 

When they fell into bed, exhausted and content, Zac smiled when Taylor’s arms wrapped around him, pulling him to him. 

“Thank you,” Taylor whispered, brushing his nose against Zac’s.

“For what?”

“Just everything,” Taylor shrugged, smiling. “Picking me back up when I needed you to, and for making me feel comfortable knowing that when I need you to in the future, you’ll be there to do it then, too.”

“Well, you’re welcome,” Zac smiled, nudging Taylor’s nose back with his and then leaning in and pressing his lips lightly to Taylor’s. “You were always there for me when we were kids, it’s my turn now.”

Zac could see Taylor’s eyes shining in the darkness of the basement. As far as he was concerned, enough tears had been shed in recent times, happy or otherwise. 

“Don’t think, okay? Let’s just stop thinking for one night.”

Taylor nodded, tightening his hold on Zac and kissing him softly. They pressed themselves together, kissing slowly, Taylor opening his mouth easily for Zac to slip his tongue inside. Taylor sighed, sliding his hands inside Zac’s shirt and pushing it up. Zac shuddered as Taylor’s fingers ran lightly over his skin, their lips dancing together as if they were made to do so. Taylor pulled Zac on top of him, legs spreading open, allowing Zac’s lower body to settle in between them as Taylor’s fingers tugged at Zac’s shirt.

Zac pulled back, looking down at Taylor, a questioning look in his eye. Taylor just nodded, pulling Zac’s shirt over his head and dropping it onto the ground by the bed. Taylor struggled with his shirt, Zac chuckling softly before helping him take it off, discarding it where his own was. 

Taylor pressed his palm to Zac’s chest, running it lightly over his skin, his eyes following the path of his hand.

“I’ve never been so attracted to someone,” Taylor whispered, his other hand joining the one on Zac’s chest, both of them moving over every bit of skin he could touch. “Is it crazy? How badly I want you?”

“No,” Zac breathed, focusing on keeping himself in check. No matter how attracted to him Taylor was, he knew he - they - weren’t ready. Making out and holding each other was one thing, taking it any further right now was a recipe for disaster. “Because I feel the same way.”

Taylor let out an indistinguishable sound, both of his hands sliding back around Zac. He pressed on Zac’s back, pushing them back together, their lips colliding as Taylor’s hips moved up, brushing Zac’s. The same heat from last time instantly settled down on Zac and he bit down softly on Taylor’s bottom lip. 

Taylor groaned into Zac’s mouth, moving his hips up again. Zac could feel every inch of Taylor through the two layers of denim separating them and his instinct to push back overpowered his need to keep things moving slowly between them. He ground his hips down into Taylor’s, enveloping his lips with his own to drown out the sound of the growls they each let out. 

As Taylor lay underneath him, their hips rolling into each others, Zac’s head swam with desire. He might not be very experienced, he may not know as much about sex and intimacy as Taylor, but he was sure that almost nothing could feel as good as this. Maybe a little faster than slow would be okay.

 

\---

 

In the rational part of Taylor’s brain, he knew he wanted to take things slowly with Zac. He hardly had any experience with men in the first place, and Zac was… Zac was special, and he didn’t want to mess anything up. He wanted to do everything right the first time, especially since he knew his brother was a virgin and probably had even less experience with men than he did at that point. But then lying in bed, kissing and touching and groping and rolling hips got the best of him and before he knew it, he was taking Zac’s shirt off and throwing it over the side of the bed, raking his hands down the smooth skin of his back. Zac was giving as best as he was receiving and didn’t put up a fight, letting a moan fall from his lips as their hips rolled together again. 

“Fuck, Tay, you feel so good.” Zac’s words sounded almost like whines, and Taylor swore he had never heard a hotter sound in his entire life. He moved one of his hands from Zac’s back down to his ass, squeezing it slightly before moving it in between them. He cupped his hand at Zac’s crotch, feeling how hard he was behind his jeans, and squeezed, eliciting a moan from him. Encouraged, Taylor popped the button on the jeans and slid the zipper down before he slid his hand down in front of his boxers. “Oh god, Taylor.” Zac smashed their lips together before he too worked on Taylor’s pants. They lay there together for a minute, letting themselves just feel each other, a quiet groan coming out here and there. 

“I wanna see you.” He finally whispered into Zac’s ear, removing his hand from Zac’s pants as he started to push the jeans down his hips. He complied without a word, sitting up and slipping the pants off as quickly as he could. The boxers followed right after and Taylor just stared at him in awe. He had always known Zac was a good looking guy, he had always been called the pretty one back when they were younger, but he never saw it when comparing himself to his little brother. Seeing him now, though, he was built like a greek god, and he couldn’t believe that he was actually into Taylor. Zac laughed a little, a self-conscious look crossing his face. 

“See anything you like?” Taylor sat up to meet him and ran his hands down his chest. 

“You are fucking beautiful.” He pressed a kiss to Zac’s chest, above his heart, and looked up at him shyly. “I’ve been blind my whole life, how did I not ever see you?” Zac didn’t speak, instead leaning down and kissing him softly. He wanted to say something, anything, to try to convince Zac that he was worthy of his attention and his love, but then he kissed him again and he felt every emotion he had ever seen cross Zac’s face where he was concerned. There was so much love and passion bottled up in such a small act, and he almost felt like he was drowning in it. 

Zac leaned into Taylor, pushing him to lay back down on the bed and made his way down his body, placing kisses along his stomach and his hip until he reached his open jeans. He worked them off of Taylor’s body and threw them to the floor and then looked up at Taylor as he placed his fingers under the elastic of his boxers . “Is this okay?” 

All at once, everything they were doing hit Taylor like a brick in the face. They had only just realized how they felt about each other, and here they were, almost naked on the bed, and he suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. The look on his face must have shown how he was feeling because Zac removed his hands and got off of him quickly. He lay down on the bed next to him and placed a hand on his chest. “Hey, hey, don’t panic, Tay, breathe, nice and slow, in and out.” Taylor closed his eyes and followed Zac’s instructions, listening to his voice and after a minute, his own breathing evened out again. He turned his head and opened his eyes slowly, afraid to see the look on his brother’s face. He was surprised when the only emotions he saw on his face were concern and… Love. No disappointment, no hatred, nothing even close. 

“I’m sorry.” He bit his lip and felt his face go red, embarrassed from the spectacle he made. 

“No, Tay, don’t apologize!” Zac brought his hand to his face and cupped his cheek. “I want you to be real with me. I want you to have your emotions and your feelings and I want you to be yourself. If you’re not comfortable with something, tell me you’re not comfortable. I never want to hurt you, okay? If you aren’t ready for something or just don’t want to do something, that’s fine with me. I only want you to do what you want to do.” Taylor signed and leaned into Zac’s body, pressing their foreheads together. 

“You’re kind of perfect, you realize that right?” Zac laughed and shook his head.

“I’m far from perfect, but thank you for thinking so.” He kissed Taylor quickly before getting up off of the bed and pulling his boxers on. “I’m gonna go shower though, we can watch a movie when I’m done?” Taylor smiled and nodded as he watched him make his way to the bathroom.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)  
> 

For the first time in what felt like years, Zac was all alone. Taylor had a meeting with his lawyers about his upcoming court date and he’d decided to walk to the little cafe they were meeting at. It was a twenty minute walk, but he’d insisted he wanted to get out and clear his head, do this by himself to prove to himself that he could. Zac had fought him on it a little bit, admittedly afraid that if he let Taylor out of his sight bad things would happen. But, Taylor had pulled him in for a tight hug, laid a soft kiss on his mouth, and assured him that he would go straight to the cafe and then come straight home, so Zac had no choice but to nod and agree - and then spend the next two hours worrying about nothing and everything all at once. 

His parents and siblings had all gone away for the week to a cabin his parents had kept for years. They’d wanted Taylor and Zac to join them, but Taylor didn’t think he was in the right mindset for a family vacation, and if Zac were honest, he didn’t want to be anywhere where he couldn’t fall asleep wrapped up in Taylor every night, so they were happy to stay behind and have the run of the house. Now, Zac was upstairs, the radio turned on, classic rock filling up the rooms of the house, staring into the nearly empty fridge looking for something to eat. 

The sound of his phone ringing from his pocket shook him from his silent inventory of the refrigerator and he shut the door, digging his phone out of his pocket. He couldn’t help but smile when he saw Piper’s name on the screen.

“Hey you,” he pressed the phone to his ear and made his way to the living room, plopping down on the couch.

“Hey, I feel like it’s been years.”

“You’re telling me, how are things in New York?”

“Good, I love the job. I love my apartment. You should come visit,” he could hear her fidgeting with something on the other end of the phone and grinned, always the multitasker, Piper was. 

“That would be fun, maybe Taylor and I could make the trip sometime soon, since I finally found a job.”

“You and Tay- a job? Jeez, I’m missing everything.”

“You have no idea,” Zac laughed softly, shaking his head.

“Well,” he heard her close a door and then a little rustling and he imagined her settling down in her bed or on her couch. He didn’t realize how much he really missed her until right then, it coming over him in a wave. “Tell me everything.”

“Well, you know how we talked about…Taylor and I before? I told you how I was feeling?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Well, to my surprise, he feels the same way.”

“What?! That’s…I- I still don’t know how I feel about this whole thing, it’s confusing for me, so it must be really confusing for you…but, that’s great, Zac.”

He couldn’t help but smile, thinking about Taylor, remembering the night they’d both finally admitted out-loud how they’d felt about each other. Zac was aware that it didn’t make much sense, he knew that it would take a strong person to really understand how they could have gotten here, how they’d just accepted it and let their feelings happen, but he couldn’t make himself regret it. Even with all of the bad things happening around them, all of the struggle they were going to have to go through, he knew that he would never be able to feel badly about the way he felt for Taylor.

“That’s the thing, it’s not. I’m not confused, I’m not scared - not really. I feel better and happier right now than I have in a really long time. Almost like everything that has happened happened so we could find our way to this.”

“Well, that’s really all I care about. I saw what losing him the first time did to you, and maybe looking back I should have seen that it was more, you know? More than just a normal family breakdown. I don’t care about the logistics or any of that, all I want is for you to be happy, really happy.”

“I think I am,” Zac laughed, shrugging to himself. “It’s a little scary how happy I’ve become. Like, Pipes, I’m just content and happy to be there with him. We don’t even have to be talking, we don’t have to be doing anything. Just having him next to me is enough.”

“Sounds like love to me.”

Zac opened his mouth to respond, but the doorbell sounding twice in quick succession stopped him. He cocked an eyebrow at nothing in particular, wondering who could possibly be dropping by.

“Tell me you’re the one ringing my doorbell and you’ve flown here to surprise me.”

“I wish I could,” Piper laughed. “Then maybe I wouldn’t be buried underneath all of this research.”

Zac stood from the couch and walked to the door, “hold on a sec.” He pulled the door open and his eyes set on a girl he’d never seen before. She was shorter than him, long brown hair flowing over her shoulders. She was holding the hand of a child with wild red hair, both of them looking up at him with wide eyes. 

“Uh, Pipes, I’ll call you back,” he waited for her to answer and then hung up the phone, pushing it into his pocket. “Can I help you?”

“Hi, um-“ the girls eyes moved around him a bit, into the house and then back to him. “Is, um- Taylor. Is he home?”

“No, he’s at a meeting,” Zac cocked an eyebrow again. He had no idea who this girl was, or why she’d turned up on their doorstep with a kid who looked about five years old. “Can I- I dunno, take a message or something?”

“Well, I kind of really wanted to talk to him directly but,” the girl looked around again and Zac could see that she was nervous. “Um, so…I’m Natalie, and this is Ezra,” she motioned towards the small boy who was still looking up at Zac, standing quietly. “And he’s Taylor’s son.”

 

Zac felt like he’d been doused in cold water. There was a weight in the pit of his stomach suddenly, his entire body rigid. He shook his head slowly, his eyes focusing on the girl in front of him again.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I-“ the girl shook her head, dropping her eyes to her feet. “You’re his brother, right? I remember you…a little bit. You look different, but the same somehow.”

“What?” He asked again, nothing she was saying making any sense to him. 

“We vacationed in the same place…years ago. My family and yours,” she looked back up at him. “Taylor and I…we spent the entire week together, your family was annoyed that he kept running off, but we couldn’t stay away from each other.”

“I-“ Zac shook his head again, looking from the girl to the boy next to her. The vacation she was talking about was slowly coming back to him. They’d gone to Florida, to the beach, Zac would be damned if he could remember which one right then. Taylor spent almost all of the trip away on his own, their parents threatening to chain him to them at one point. “The beach.”

“Yeah,” the girl nodded. “The beach.”

“Why-“ Zac stepped to the side and held his arm out for her and the boy to enter the house. “Why don’t you guys come inside?”

“Do you know when Taylor will be back?” The girl - Natalie - placed her purse down on the kitchen table, turning to face Zac again.

“No, um…soon, I think? Do you- lets sit down.”

Natalie pulled out a chair and helped the boy - Ezra, Zac remembered - into it before sitting down herself. Zac looked down at them for a second before shaking his head again.

“Does he…need a drink or something? Do you?” 

Natalie met his eyes and smiled softly before shaking her head, “we’re fine, thank you.”

Zac nodded and sat down at the table, looking over Ezra. Aside from his _very _red hair, he did look an awful lot like Taylor, and that realization made Zac’s heart sink into his stomach. How were they going to deal with this with everything else going on?__

__“How old is he?” Zac turned back to Natalie._ _

__“He’ll be five,” Natalie smiled a little again. “He’s smart, though. Everyone tells me he’s got the mind of a kid double his age.”_ _

__“Sounds like Taylor,” Zac frowned. “I don’t mean to be so blunt but, why are you here now?”_ _

__“Well,” Natalie’s frown matched Zac’s as she looked at Ezra and then back at Zac. “Could we…maybe set him up behind the TV so we can talk. Little ears, you know?”_ _

__“Oh, yeah. Of course,” Zac pushed his chair back and walked through the kitchen and into the living room. He heard Natalie say ‘come on, buddy,’ and he turned to see her setting Ezra up on the couch. He turned the TV on, flipping to Nickelodeon. “This okay?”_ _

__Natalie nodded and smiled, then followed him back into the kitchen where they resumed their place at the table. They both looked down at the table top until Zac couldn’t stand the silence anymore. There were so many questions spinning around in his mind and he needed them answered._ _

__“So?” When he looked over at Natalie he noticed that she had a single tear rolling down her face. “Are you…okay?”_ _

__“I just feel kind of stupid,” her voice was shaky and little above a whisper. “Showing up here after all these years.”_ _

__“I don’t think you’re stupid, but I do want to know why…why now?”_ _

__“Well,” she wiped her cheek with the back of her hand and looked up at Zac. “At first I didn’t know how to find him. We were so busy being wrapped all up in each other that week that we never stopped to think about exchanging numbers or addresses.” She shrugged, frowning slightly. “It wasn’t until you guys had left that I realized I’d never talk to him again. And, then a month later I was really sick, and then I found out about Ez.”_ _

__Zac nodded, he could see Taylor being forgetful enough not to think of something like that. What he didn’t really understand was that Taylor had never mentioned Natalie after they’d gotten home, not once. He knew that he had spent time with a girl while they were on vacation, but he never knew that it went this deep, that they’d slept together._ _

__“I looked for him a little bit about a year after Ezra was born, but all I had to go on was his name and that he lived in Oklahoma. I ended up giving up after a while, I figured I had done it for a year by myself, I could do it forever that way too. But, Ezra is getting older and he’s started asking me why he doesn’t have a daddy like all of the other kids at school so,” she shrugged, a sad smile on her face. “I started looking again. The other day I googled his name and Oklahoma and…well…a newspaper article about an accident came up from a local Tulsa paper. It listed this address as his home address. So, I bought a plane ticket and flew out here this morning.”_ _

__Zac nodded, not sure what to say to her. He was trying to digest the information she’d placed in his lap…that this boy sitting on his living room couch watching Rugrats was Taylor’s son…his nephew._ _

__“Crazy, right?” Natalie smile and shrugged again. “I know it’s crazy, but I had to do what’s best for him…for Ezra.”_ _

__“Yeah,” Zac said, shrugging. “I understand. It’s just…it’s a shock. I’m not really sure what to say. I don’t want to sound rude but…are you sure…I mean-“_ _

__“That he’s Taylor’s?” She cut him off. He expected her to snap at him, he knew it was a rude question, but she just smiled. “I’m positive. I’d never been with anyone else before Taylor, and no one for a long time after. Lucky me, right? Lose your virginity to the hot guy on the beach and land yourself knocked up.”_ _

__Zac couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle. She seemed like a nice person, like she was genuine. He couldn’t imagine she was here to get anything out of Taylor, considering the way she learned how to find him was through a news article about his accident. Zac had read that article, it had made it pretty clear that Taylor was jobless, living with his parents._ _

__He heard him before he saw him, Taylor opening the door into the house, calling his name. His voice sounded light and airy, like his meeting had gone well. His eyes fell on Natalie before they moved to Zac, Ezra rounding the corner into the kitchen right at the same moment. Taylor’s eyes moved to him then back to Zac, his mouth open._ _

__Zac shrugged, trying to convey that everything would be okay to Taylor with his eyes. Taylor looked at Natalie again, screwing up his face before tilting his head._ _

__“Natalie?”_ _

__“You recognize me,” she smiled softly, standing up from her chair, holding her arm open to her son, telling him without words to come closer. “I wasn’t sure you would.”_ _

__“You look…almost exactly the same,” Taylor shook his head, looking down at the boy again. “What…how are you here? And who is this?”_ _

__“This,” Natalie looked down at Ezra, a sad smile on her face. “Is your son.”_ _

__

__\---_ _

__

__As far as good days went, Taylor couldn’t really remember the last time he had had a truly good one. Sure, he had days that were less crappy than usual, or were slightly better than average, but good days were low on the list of things he had experienced in years. The day he had a meeting with his lawyer was one of the days he actually classified as good, however, seeing as the meeting went smoothly and the family was willing to settle for the cost of medical expenses plus rehab for Angela’s broken leg. Insurance was going to cover everything they had asked for, his lawyer assured him, and he really didn’t’ need to worry too much about how everything was going to turn out in that aspect. He cried while sitting in between his parents, so grateful they had hired him a good lawyer, and were there for him to support him through one of the hardest things he had had to go through in his life._ _

__He was almost floating on a cloud when he finally got home. He walked in ahead of his parents, wanting to be the first to tell Zac the good news, but was stopped short when he saw that Zac wasn’t alone. Seeing Natalie sitting there sent him back in time, he remembered how much time they had spent together in the week they’d known each other. He remembered her smile, the way her hair smelled after it was freshly washed, how she looked when she was sleeping. He was young, only 19 when the family had taken a vacation to Florida, and he had been thrown down a rabbit hole. All he wanted to do with his time while down there was to be with her, she had a way of making even the most mundane activities seem so new and exciting. He had wanted to contact her when they left, but in a stupid haze of teenage hormones and lust, they had forgotten to exchange phone numbers or even just email addresses. He had only thought about her for another month or so after they left – Zac coming out and his rather quick downward spiral happened not long after – but seeing her face again, he couldn’t understand how he had ever forgotten about her in the first place._ _

__When the little boy in front of him was declared as his son, he felt his entire world shift. He had always thought that that phrase had been a little overdramatic, how could someone feel their life shift? It wasn’t a physical being! But the information given to him was big enough that he knew he would never be the same person ever again. He stared at the little boy, trying to see if maybe, just maybe, Natalie was messing with him, but he couldn’t deny it – Ezra was the spitting image of him. He looked over at Zac, trying to see if maybe this was some kind of joke, but the look on his face coupled with the sad nod gave Taylor all of the information he needed to know – his life had just changed in a major way._ _

__“Uhhhh… Oh. I, uhhh…” He had no idea how to respond, and knew he sounded like a complete idiot, but what was he supposed to say? Being told he has a five year old child wasn’t really something he had expected when he woke up that day. “Are you sure?” He blurted out before he would think. He immediately felt his face turn red and the look of embarrassment on Natalie’s face told him exactly what he needed to know._ _

__“Of course I’m sure, Taylor.” She whispered, looking down at the ground. “You were my first, and my only.” A wave of shame came over him, he hadn’t meant to insinuate she slept around. He sighed and looked over at Zac again, trying to get some comfort from his brother. Zac took a step toward him but stopped as footsteps approached._ _

__“Who’s this?” Taylor turned around and saw Diana and Walker enter the kitchen. He felt the color drain from his face – Just when everything was starting to fall into place and he wasn’t being such a fuck up, another one of his mistakes was ready to rear its head. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. How the heck could he tell his parents they were grandparents to a five year old kid?!_ _

__“Mom, dad, this is Natalie. She and Taylor hung out a lot when we went on vacation to Florida a few years ago, remember?” Diana nodded her head, but the look of confusion still stayed on her face._ _

__“Yes, hello Natalie, so wonderful to see you again!” She stepped forward and gave the girl a quick hug, always one to be welcoming. “And who is this little man?” Natalie cleared her throat, obviously nervous, before she managed to talk._ _

__“This is Ezra. He’s my son.” She looked down at the boy and smiled, looking every bit as nervous as Taylor felt. Diana looked from the child to Taylor, then back to the child, and then back to Taylor before a small gasp fell from her lips._ _

__“Ezra is Taylors.” It was not a question, but a statement that came from her, and Taylor couldn’t do anything but nod in unison with Natalie. He was afraid to look at his parents, but finally managed to glance up and saw the looks of shock on their faces. He felt like such a failure, almost more than the drugs or the car accident caused, and he just wanted to run and hide and never come out ever again. But he couldn’t do that – He was an adult, and adults couldn’t just run from their problems… Right?_ _

__“Ezra is mine.” He nodded and confirmed, stepping over to his mother and placing a hand on her shoulder. “I think I’m going to take them to a hotel for the night, okay?” Diana’s head shot up and she shook her head so violently that he couldn’t keep back a laugh, despite the circumstances._ _

__“You will do no such thing, Jordan Taylor Hanson. They are guests, and they will stay with us. Zac, please go pull out the cot and set it up in my sewing room. There is an air mattress in the closet too, please set that up.” Zac took off, not needing to be told twice to get lost, and Taylor felt a pang of abandonment - He needed Zac in order to get through this! He felt his heart start to race and his brain was already thinking of all of the ways he could find pills, anything to dull his reality. He was not prepared to know how to deal._ _

__\--  
The rest of the day passed in a blur. Diana had insisted on cooking a big family dinner and introducing Natalie and Ezra to everyone. Taylor could barely recall anything that happened or any conversation that was had – he was so consumed in his own thoughts, trying to fight off the cravings he was experiencing. On more than one occasion, Zac reached over and squeezed his hand, obviously sensing his discomfort, and it was just enough to keep him from stealing a car and driving into a brick wall. Once everyone was settled in bed and he was in the basement with Zac, Taylor was finally able to freak out. _ _

__“How the fuck do I have a kid?!” He sank down onto his bed and held his head in his hands, starting to shake as adrenaline started to rush through him. Zac sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders._ _

__“Taylor, you need to breathe. We’ll get through this, just like we’ve gotten through everything.” Taylor grunted under his breath and shook his head._ _

__“You don’t get it Zac!” He shrugged his arm off and stood up, starting to pace the room. “You don’t fucking understand how hard I’ve been fighting all day to stay in my own skin! I want pills so badly, I need them Zac, I don’t know how to cope with my life without them. I have no coping skills, I have no discipline. I’m a fucking basket case!” Zac got up and stepped in front of him, stopping him in his tracks._ _

__“Stop this. Right now. Taylor, I love you, and I’m here for you, but you are so strong. You wanted to use all day, sure, but you didn’t. You stayed in this house and dealt with what was coming at you. You did this, Tay. You. Did. This.” Zac wrapped his arms around Taylor and Taylor just sagged into his embrace, unable to hold himself up anymore. He was too damn tired._ _

__“How can I be someone’s dad, Zac? I can’t even take care of myself, how can I be expected to be responsible for another human being?” He knew the questions he was asking weren’t easy to answer, nor did Zac have the answers, but he needed to get the words out, needed to get out all of his fears. “He deserves so much better than me.” Zac didn’t say a word, just kept holding him. They moved to the bed and Taylor turned onto his side, facing his brother, hopeful sleep would come soon. Maybe he would wake up in the morning with some of the confidence Zac seemed to have. Or maybe he would wake up more broken than ever._ _


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](https://www.flickr.com/photos/163982474@N07/43235959705/in/dateposted-public/)   
> 

When Zac woke up, the warmth he had gotten used to being next to him wasn’t there. He opened his eyes and stretched his arm out on the bed, moving it back and forth, looking for the solid of Taylor’s body to come into contact with his hand. When it didn’t, he turned his head to the side and saw that Taylor was gone.

He got dressed and fixed his hair as best as he could before heading up to the kitchen. When he entered the room he was stopped in his tracks, feeling more than a little guilty about how the picture before him made his stomach turn just slightly. 

Taylor was sitting on the floor in the middle of the kitchen, Ezra pulled onto his lap. They were playing with superhero toys, smiles plastered on both of their faces. Natalie was sitting at the kitchen table with their parents, their hands wrapped around mugs of coffee, all of them watching Taylor and Ezra and smiling as if they’d never seen anything better in their lives. Zac moved further into the kitchen and Taylor looked up at him, his smile growing.

“Morning, sleepy head.”

“Morning,” Zac forced a small smile onto his face and walked to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water. 

“How’d you sleep, honey?” Diana patted the chair next to her, but Zac shook his head, leaning on the counter.

“Fine, I guess.”

“We’re just getting to know our new family members,” Diana smiled, looking at Natalie and then down at the floor where Taylor and Ezra were.

“How lovely,” Zac knew he was bordering on petulant, but he couldn’t help the sudden fear growing in his chest that now that Natalie had shown up, giving Taylor something that Zac never could, he’d lose him. The thought of kids had never even crossed Zac’s mind, he’d never even given a thought to the fact that Taylor might want them. Judging from how happy he looked sitting there, the answer was clear. 

“I think I’ll give Ezra his bath now,” Natalie spoke quietly, pushing her seat back and standing. “Thanks for setting out the towels for us, Diana.”

“No problem, honey,” Diana smiled at Natalie. “Our home is your home right now, I want you both to feel comfortable here.”

Natalie smiled and nodded, moving to Taylor and Ezra and taking Ezra’s hand.

“Come on, honey,” they disappeared into the hallway, the sound of the bathroom door shutting following after them. 

“A little help here?” Taylor grinned up at Zac, holding his hand out. Zac pulled him to his feet and tried to return his smile, but he was sure he’d missed the mark. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Zac shrugged. “Just tired.”

“Why don’t you boys sit down, now that we’re alone, there’s something your father and I want to discuss,” they both turned to look at Diana and nodded, walking to the table and sitting down across from them.

“Now that we have Natalie and Ezra here I think we have to figure a few things out,” Walker spoke for the first time since Zac had been in the room. He turned his attention on Taylor and folded his hands on the table. “I want you to listen to your mother and give some thought to what she has to say. No yelling, no cursing. Just listen.”

“Okay,” Taylor’s voice was hesitant, his voice going up at the end of his word as if it were a question.

“Honey, things are going to change really quickly for you. You’re a father now and that beautiful little boy in there deserves to have his father in his life. Your dad and I were discussing things last night before bed and we’ve come to the conclusion that, and I know you’re not going to like this so quickly, but, we think the best course of action here is for you and Natalie to get married. Her and Ezra will move in with us until you get back on your feet and can get a place of your own, and of course we’ll help out as much as we can.”

“I’m sorry, what!?” All three of them turned to Zac, Walker’s eyebrows high on his forehead. “He can’t marry her, are you out of your minds?”

“Zachary-“ Walker leaned forward on the table, looking at his son.

“No,” Zac shook his head. “No, this is crazy. He doesn’t even _know_ her. He can’t _marry_ her,” Zac turned to look at Taylor, surprised to see that he was gaping at him. “Taylor, you can’t possibly think this is a good idea.”

“No,” Taylor lifted an eyebrow. “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Zac felt one of Taylor’s hands land on his knee and squeeze. Taylor smiled softly at him and shook his head. “It’s a crazy idea.”

Taylor looked across the table at their parents, slowly sliding his hand off of Zac’s knee. 

“He’s right, I don’t even know her. I can’t marry her, that’s insane.”

“That child deserves a real family,” Diana leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. “You can’t argue with that.”

“I’m not arguing with that,” Taylor sighed. “No one has ever died from their parents not being married, Mom.”

“Taylor,” Walker warned, shooting his son a look.

“I’m not just going to do something because you say I should,” Taylor shook his head. “It’s a bad idea, it’s not reasonable and I’m not going to do it. I agree that Ezra should have both of his parents, and I plan to make that happen, but not like that.”

“I didn’t come here to try to convince you to marry me,” they all jumped a little, turning in their chairs to see Natalie standing in the doorway. “I just thought Ezra should know his father…and his father should know him.”

Taylor stood from the table and walked over to Natalie, putting his hands on her shoulders. 

“I want that, I want to know him. And I’m going to. I’ve missed enough time with him, I don’t want to miss another day. I want you guys to move here, I want him to have both of his parents in his life…it’s just that,” Taylor shook his head and looked back at the table quickly before turning back to Natalie. “There’s someone…in my life. It’s not about you, it’s just…I’m in love with someone and I can’t give them up…not for anything.”

Zac’s throat was suddenly dry, his heart beating double time. He could feel that his face was hot and he wondered if anyone else noticed the effect that Taylor’s words had had on him. He was sure they didn’t, how could they ever guess that the someone Taylor was talking about was him? They wouldn’t. Couldn’t. 

“Taylor, I understand if you think you’re in lo-“

“I am. I don’t think, I am,” Taylor turned back to the table and looked at his mother.

“But, don’t you think your son having a real family is more important than whatever, obviously new since we don’t know about it, love you think you’re in?”

“No,” Taylor shook his head. “I don’t. Ezra will have his family, he’ll have his mother and his father, I promise you that…but almost nothing is more important than-” his eyes flicked to Zac quickly, so fast you’d have missed it if you weren’t paying attention. “There’s nothing that would make me leave this person.”

He turned back to Natalie and smiled, putting his hand on her shoulder again, “I’m sorry if that’s what you thought would happen. If you’d shown up here two months ago, it might have. I’m sorry.”

She smiled up at him and shook her head. 

“I didn’t, I didn’t expect anything of you. I just hoped you’d want to know him.”

“I do,” he smiled again. “Thank you for understanding, I, um…I really need some space for a minute.”

Zac watched Taylor walk around Natalie and open the door to the basement steps. The door closed and Zac’s entire being deflated. He looked at his parents and shook his head, pushing his chair back.

“You guys shouldn’t be pressing him so hard, you know everything he’s going through.”

Walker opened his mouth but Zac shook his head, “I don’t want to hear it, I’m going to go make sure he’s okay.”

Zac walked past Natalie, squeezing her shoulder and smiling at her on the way by. When he reached the basement he saw Taylor laying on his back on the bed, his knees bent over the edge and his feet on the floor. His hands were covering his face, his elbows in the air. Zac sat down gently beside him and pulled his wrists to make his hands leave his face.

“It’s important to me too,” he smiled down at Taylor.

“This is too much, Zac,” Taylor sighed. “I’m crawling out of my skin again.”

“We’ll be alright,” Zac laid down next to him, sliding his arm across his stomach. “I’m right next to you every step of the way.”

“I can’t be a father, I can barely take care of myself.”

“You’re going to be an amazing father,” Zac kissed him on the cheek. “Ezra is a very lucky little boy.”

Taylor rolled his head to the side to look at Zac and smiled.

“You have so much faith in me.”

“I do,” Zac nodded once, smiling back. “You’re amazing. Things are hard right now, but we’re going to be alright. I think having Ezra is going to help, he’ll make you be better.”

“Yeah,” Taylor sighed. “I hope you’re right.”

“I am,” Zac lifted his eyebrows and grinned. “I’m always right.”

 

\---

 

Taylor’s mind was on overload for the rest of the morning. As much as he had wanted to spend all day in bed with Zac, he knew he couldn’t – He needed to talk to Natalie, and he needed to talk to his parents, although both were conversations he wished he could ignore forever. Once he was dressed, he went back upstairs and couldn’t help but grin at the sight in front of his eyes – Ezra was sitting in Diana’s lap, trying hard not to fall asleep as they watched some movie on TV. He couldn’t believe how much love he felt for that little boy already – He was terrified of the prospect of being someone’s role model, but he already felt like he had changed more in one day than he had in years.

Natalie sat on the floor in front of the couch, scribbling away in a notebook, but paused and looked up at him when he stopped in front of her. Her smile was so warm, so familiar, and Taylor couldn’t help but grin back. “Hey, can we go for a walk?”

“Oh, um, yeah, sure. Let me just get Ez ready.” Diana cleared her throat lightly and shook her head.

“No, dear, it’s perfectly fine. He’s almost asleep as it is, I’ll watch him while you two are out.” Natalie opened her mouth, probably to ask if Diana was sure, but she just shooed them off. Taylor had to let out a laugh, he couldn’t believe how well his parents were taking the news, regardless of their conversation earlier in the morning. He knew his mother had always wanted grandchildren, and seeing her with his son… It made his heart melt.

He led the way out the front door and started down the driveway. Once they hit the street, Taylor looked over at Natalie and gave her a small smile. “I’m really glad you came out here, ya know.” The look on her face was a look he wasn’t able to read, though he thought there was a hint of happiness there.

“I’m really glad I did, too. I didn’t really know what to expect, honestly, though I certainly wasn’t expecting to be welcomed into your family with open arms.”

“Ahhh, yeah, that’s the Hanson family way though!” He laughed before dropping his gaze down to the road. “I’m sorry for this morning. My parents can be really intense, and they’re also really religious, so…” He trailed off and shrugged his shoulders, kicking a rock down the road. 

“Don’t apologize, I know how parents are. Believe me, when I told mine that I was pregnant at 18, they almost disowned me. My mother didn’t talk to me for a week, but it all worked out in the end, and now, I swear she loves Ezra more than she loves me.” Taylor felt a pang of sadness run through him – he wished he could have been there for her through all of that, it wasn’t fair that she had had to deal with being a teen mom and being a single parent for so many years. “I meant what I said though.” He whispered, glancing over at him before looking ahead of her, down the road. “I didn’t come here to ask anything of you. I only want my son to know his father.”

“I know.” He stopped walking and looked down at her. “I’m really glad you found me, Nat, but I need to tell you something. If you don’t ever want to speak to me again, I won’t blame you, but it’s only fair you know the truth.” A look of fear overtook her face, probably going through all of the absolute worst things he could tell her. “Nat, I’m gay.”

They stood in front of each other in dead silence for one hundred years, at least that’s what it felt like, before Natalie burst into laughter. “Oh my gosh, Taylor, don’t ever scare me like that ever again!”

“Ummm, okay, so does that mean you don’t have a problem with it…?” He couldn’t have been more confused if he had tried, the last reaction he had expected out of her was laughter!

“No, you idiot, I don’t have a problem with it! You are who you are, you love who you love. I don’t really care one way or another, just as long as you’re a good father to our little boy.” Before he could stop himself, Taylor opened his arms and swept Natalie up into a huge hug, swinging her around in a circle a couple of times before putting her down.

“I-I don’t even know what to say right now.” His voice broke a little, tears were threatening to break through, but he did everything in his power to keep them away. They started walking again, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. He learned about how Natalie had gone to college and graduated with her Bachelor’s in nursing just a year ago and was working at the Children’s Hospital in Atlanta on the Oncology ward. Ezra was due to start kindergarten in the fall, something she swore she was never going to be ready for, but Ezra couldn’t stop talking about when he would go to school and make new friends. When it was Taylor’s turn to talk about himself, he paused, not knowing if it was too soon, but decided that if he was going to get to know the mother of his child, he needed to be honest.

“My life hasn’t really been that great or fulfilling.” He admitted, feeling his face turn red. “I kind of didn’t make too much of myself, honestly. I was addicted to pain killers for four years, I just got clean recently, with the help of Zac, but it’s been a really trying process.” He glanced at Natalie’s face and caught her staring back at him.  
“Well, that certainly wasn’t what I was thinking would come out of your mouth.” She let out a short laugh, trying to break the tension. “How did you get clean?”

“I went off of them cold turkey. Zac was there for me through everything, holding my hair back when I was throwing up, helping me out when I was having a craving. I had a relapse after a week, but got clean again.” It was way too soon to tell her about the car accident, though he knew he would have to tell her about it at some point.

“Have you ever thought about going to rehab?” Taylor signed and shook his head.

“I’m clean, I don’t need to go to rehab, Nat. I swear I’m clean.” Natalie reached out and took one of his hands in hers, lacing their fingers together.

“Rehab isn’t just to get clean, Taylor. Rehab helps you cope with your addiction, and helps you learn how to deal with stress in your life without turning back to drugs.”

Taylor took a few seconds to think about it before shrugging his shoulders. 

“I need to think about it. It’s something that’s run through my mind before, but only ever as a means to get clean. Not only that, but I have a lot going on here at home, even more so now with you and Ezra… I don’t know if it’s the best idea.”

“Well, I’m not going to force you, obviously we barely know each other, but I’m here for you. If you ever need to talk or anything, I’m all ears. If we’re going to be co-parenting, we should be friends, too, right?” Taylor nodded in agreement. “But Taylor, if you fall off the wagon and start using again, I will not hesitate to protect him. That’s not a threat, but it is a promise.” 

\--

The rest of the day was spent with the family, everyone eager to get to know their new family members. Ezra really was the sweetest kid, getting along with everyone so easily and so talkative. He made Taylor laugh more than he thought was possible, and he filled something in his heart he didn’t even realize was missing. He made sure to keep an eye on Zac, he knew this situation wasn’t easy for his brother, and he was sure he probably felt threatened or at the very least, highly insecure about them, but any chance he could get, he was giving his hand a squeeze or sending him a reassuring look. It would have to do until they were able to be alone together. 

By the time everyone was settling down for bed, Taylor was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to head downstairs and fall asleep in Zac’s arms, but he needed to take care of something first. He walked to the master bedroom and knocked lightly on the door. 

“Come in.” Diana’s voice called out from the other side. He cracked the door and peeked inside, giving his parents a small smile.

“Do you guys have a minute to talk?” 

“Of course, sweetheart, come in.” He stepped inside the room and closed the door behind him before approaching the bed both of his parents were laying in. 

“Um, so, I kind of had something I wanted to talk to you both about. Natalie and I, while we were on our walk, I told her about the pill addiction, and how I was clean now and everything, but she asked if I had ever considered going to rehab.” He paused, trying to gauge his parent’s reactions. When neither spoke, he continued. “She said how rehab could help me learn how to cope with stress in my life and how to handle things I normally would have handled by taking pills without them. I’ve been thinking a lot, and I kind of think it might be a good idea for me, to go to rehab.” 

“Well, I can’t say I’m too surprised by this.” Walker said. “I was wondering how long it would take you to realize that you couldn’t do this on your own.”

“I’m not on my own, dad. I have Zac.” Diana smiled and nodded reassuringly. 

“We know, Taylor, but he’s only your brother. He isn’t a trained professional, someone who knows what they are doing and how to help you in all of the right ways.” Taylor felt bad for understanding where his parents were coming from, he almost felt like he was betraying Zac by acknowledging that they were right. 

“I know.” He whispered, trying to keep the guilt at bay. “And it isn’t fair for him to deal with all of this. I want to be stronger, to be able to depend on myself, especially now that Ezra is here. Natalie told me that if I ever fell off the wagon…” He trailed off, feeling ashamed because relapse wasn’t really something that could be ruled out. “She said if I ever started taking pills again, she would protect Ezra, and I assume that means removing me from his life. I know it’s only been a day, but I don’t think I could handle that, I don’t want to let him down.” 

“Sweetheart, you are such a beautiful person. You’ve made some mistakes, but you’re figuring things out. Your father and I love you so much, and will support you no matter what you decide to do, alright? Though we still believe you should be marrying that girl.” Taylor groaned and shook his head. 

“Mom, stop. I’m not going to marry her, and seriously, the fact that you brought this up again just makes me want to scream. It also stresses me the hell out, and I can’t deal with that. Besides, like I told you, I have somebody in my life, somebody special, someone that I love. Natalie and Ezra, they don’t change that. Besides, Natalie seems to have as little interest in marrying me as I do her, so please, don’t bring this up again.” Diana got up from the bed and walked over to him before wrapping her arms around his body, pulling him close. 

“I’m just trying to do what’s best for you, and if you need us to talk, we will. Now, go on down to bed, we will call our insurance in the morning and try to find you the best rehab facility we can, okay?” Taylor let out a small sigh of relief and gave her an extra-long squeeze. 

“Thanks, mom. I love you.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read and given us feedback on this story that started as a little brain worm just being talked about between friends and turned into...something else. As of tomorrow we're going to be putting this story on hiatus for NaNoWriMo. We'll be back December 1st!

When Zac woke up the next morning he showered and dressed as quickly as he could, the conversation with his parents still weighing heavily on him. He should have expected this from them and he wasn’t sure why he was so caught off guard by it. That didn’t do anything to quell the fact that he _was_ caught off guard by it and every time he thought about it he felt a sick feeling take him over. He was sure that it would be easy for Taylor to suddenly realize that a relationship between them would be easier than anything he could have with Zac. They’d have to be a secret for the rest of their lives. They’d never be able to be open about what they had, they’d never be able to get married or have children together. Never mind the fact that eventually people would start to question why two perfectly fine grown men spent their lives living together and not pursuing relationships with anyone. Not for the first time, Zac began to think about how telling Taylor that while he felt exactly how he said he did about him, maybe things would be better for Taylor in the long run if they just cooled it.

The sight of Taylor sitting up in the bed, hair all sleep tousled, shirtless and disoriented pushed the thoughts out of Zac’s mind as he walked over to the bed and sat down next to him.

“I have to go to work.”

“First day,” Taylor nodded, smiling a little. “I know. I’m glad I woke up before you left.”

“You gonna spend the day with Ezra?” Zac ran a hand over Taylor’s head, smoothing down his hair a little.

“Yeah,” Taylor smiled. “I think I’ll take him to the park or something, show him where we used to play when we were kids.”

“That’s a good idea,” Zac smiled, leaning in and placing a soft kiss on Taylor’s lips. “I have to go, I don’t want to be late on my first day.”

“You’ll kill it, Mr. Big bookstore manager,” Taylor chuckled, leaning in and kissing Zac before pushing him lightly away. “Go, before I make you stay.”

 

It’s not that the job was boring…but the job was _boring_. Zac found himself leaning up against the counter most of the day, the shop totally devoid of anything else to do. He’d been assured that this was just a slow day, usually there was more business, but he wasn’t sure if anything could make this more exciting for him. 

It didn’t help that every time he was alone his mind trailed back to Natalie and Ezra’s arrival in their lives and how looking at the three of them together was an ache Zac didn’t want to feel. Outwardly, they made the perfect looking little family, and despite Taylor’s words and assurances there was nothing that could stop Zac’s mind from turning over and over all of the reasons why he should just step back and let it happen. He was just about driving himself into pure insanity when his boss Gabe walked into the store, letting him know he could clock out for the day.

Zac went into the backroom and grabbed his things, punching his time card and walking out of the store. It was still sunny outside and the weather was nice, instantly making him feel just a little bit better.

“Hey you,” he jumped a little at the sound, turning to see Taylor leaning up against the brick of the building, one foot pressed into the wall.

“What are you doing here?” Zac laughed, walking to him. 

“I figured we could have a little afternoon out together. Everything going on at home is kind of crazy…I just wanted to spend some time with you.”

“That sounds so perfect,” Zac let out a sigh and shook his head. “What do you want to do?”

“It’s so nice out, lets drive over to the park. I forgot how much I love it there. Watching Ezra run around in the same grass we did was nice. I think I can do this, you know?”

Zac turned to Taylor and smiled a little, nodding his head.

“I know you can do this.”

They walked to the car and hopped in, Taylor leaning back in the seat and turning his head to look at Zac.

“He called me Daddy for the first time today,” he bit his lip a little bit, his hand moving over to rest on Zac’s thigh. “I didn’t know what it would feel like before he did it, but God, Zac,” he shook his head. “It’s weird, I didn’t even know he existed a week ago and now? I don’t know, I just love him so much.”

Zac covered Taylor’s hand with his own and smiled, the distinct feeling of tears prickling at the backs of his eyes arriving.

“Of course you do, he’s half you.”

“Yeah,” Taylor nodded. “He’s half me.”

“Which means he’s awesome and amazing and totally worthy of all of the love in the world,” Zac squeezed Taylor’s hand and then let go, placing his hand on the gear shift and putting the truck into drive. “Come on, let’s go pretend we’re kids at the park.”

 

Taylor and Zac were laying side by side in the grass after a rousing game of tag that Taylor had sprung on him. They’d laughed in a way that Zac couldn’t remember them laughing in years as they chased each other around the wide open lawn of the park, cheeks all red and out of breath. They weren’t kids anymore and it was never more obvious than when they realized just how out of shape they were.

“That was fun,” Taylor grinned, rolling his head to the side.

“It was,” Zac grinned back, brushing a blade of grass out of Taylor’s hair. Taylor grabbed at Zac’s wrist, pulling him closer to him.

“I know we shouldn’t do this here, but I’m going to,” Taylor mumbled, pulling Zac a little harder, his hand moving to the back of his neck just as their lips crashed together. Zac knew this was risky, it was broad daylight and though they were alone in the park, that could change at any moment. That didn’t stop him from complying when Taylor pulled him on top of him, his hands getting tangled up in Zac’s hair. 

“Tay,” Zac breathed after a few minutes, pulling back from him just a little bit. “This is not safe for us, we shouldn’t-“

“Just stop thinking for a minute, okay? Just stop thinking and kiss me.”

Taylor pulled Zac’s face back to his, his tongue instantly pushing its way into Zac’s mouth. Zac slid his hands underneath Taylor’s shirt, his hands resting on the cool skin on Taylor’s sides. There was something different in the way Taylor was kissing him, a slight feeling that Zac couldn’t put his finger on but knew he had never felt from him before. 

Taylor pushed Zac gently, leading him to sit up and sitting up next to him. He put his hands on either side of Zac’s face and looked down at Zac’s mouth for a few seconds before looking back up at his eyes.

“I want you to take me home.”

“Okay,” Zac breathed, shaking his head. “Okay. Yeah, that was probably…we shouldn’t have-“

“No,” Taylor whispered, pulling Zac’s face towards his. “I want you to _take me home_ , I want…”

“Oh,” Zac suddenly knew exactly what Taylor was asking of him. He closed his eyes for a second and then opened them, finding Taylor’s stare even more intense than before. “Are you…you’re sure?”

Taylor nodded, standing and pulling Zac to his feet with him. He pulled him close again, wrapping his arms around Zac’s waist and pressing his lips to the skin right next to Zac’s ear.

“I want you to take me home and I want you to-“ Taylor stumbled on his words a little bit and Zac couldn’t help but smile. He’d never known Taylor to be anything but sure of himself, his hesitance was endearing. “Zac, what I’m saying is I want you to make love to me.”

Zac pulled back, smiling.

“When you put it like that.”

“Shut up,” Taylor laughed, shaking his head and grabbing Zac’s hand. “Just shut up and get in the car.”

 

Taylor didn’t hesitate, the second they reached the bottom of the basement stairs, his hands were on Zac, shoving his t-shirt over his head. They fumbled their way to the sofa bed, lips never leaving each others for even a second until they fell down onto the bed on their sides. Zac slid his hands underneath the hem of Taylor’s shirt, gently tugging it off of him and tossing it to the ground.

“Are you sure about this?” Zac asked again just as Taylor’s hands landed on the button on Zac’s jeans. 

“I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life,” Taylor’s hands shook a little as he pushed Zac’s jeans and boxers down, his eyes widening a little bit when they landed back on Zac’s now exposed body. He reached out tentatively, his hand landing gently on Zac, his fingers wrapping gingerly around his length.

“Tay,” Zac breathed, his eyes fluttering shut.

“Is this okay?” Taylor whispered, moving his hand slowly over Zac.

“Yeah,” Zac nodded, looking at Taylor whose eyes were trained on his hand and what it was doing. “It’s okay.”

Taylor took his time, his hand moving slowly over Zac, his thumb trailing over the head of his dick slowly. His tongue was poking out from in between his teeth and if Zac weren’t so lost in the feelings building up in his body with every movement Taylor was making, he might have laughed. 

“You’re bigger than me,” Taylor said quietly, shifting his body so he was leaning over Zac a little bit. His other hand landed on Zac’s side, he fingers digging into Zac’s skin just slightly. Zac wasn’t sure how to respond to Taylor’s assessment, so he said nothing, letting his eyes close again, a small moan falling from his lips as Taylor’s hand moved a little bit faster.

“Does it-“ Taylor’s voice was bashful and when Zac opened his eyes, Taylor was staring back at him. “Does it feel good?”

“It feels so good,” Zac smiled, reaching up and placing a hand on Taylor’s cheek. 

“Would you tell me if it didn’t?”

“Probably not,” Zac laughed quietly. “But it does.”

Taylor nodded, lowering his face and covering Zac’s mouth with his own. The combination of Taylor’s mouth on him while his hand moved made a simmer bubble in Zac’s stomach. He put a hand on Taylor’s chest, moving his head back.

“If you…I’m not…” Zac shook his head and sighed. “Come here.”

He slid away from Taylor, pulling him to his knees and unbuttoning his jeans. He slid them down and then laid Taylor down, pulling them the rest of the way off. He lowered his body on top of Taylor’s and ran a hand up his side, stopping at his neck and gently wrapping his fingers around the back of it.

“If you want to stop, you just tell me and we’ll stop, I don’t want…I don’t want this to be too much for you.”

“I don’t want to stop,” Taylor shook his head. “I want this, Zac. Just trust me, I want this.”

Zac nodded, sliding his body next to Taylor’s, his hand trailing down his body until it was between his legs. He didn’t really know how to do this, Taylor wasn’t the only one who was experiencing a first here, but he knew that there was more to it than just going fill tilt. 

“If it hurts,” Zac whispered, pressing his lips to the side of Taylor’s head, his finger finding what it was looking for and pressing gently. “Just tell me. I’ll go slow.”

Taylor nodding, letting out a whimper as Zac pushed his finger slowly into him. Zac stayed still for a second, watching as Taylor’s face relaxed and then moved his hand again, slowly moving his finger in and out of him.

“My god,” Taylor breathed, his eyes shut tightly.

“You okay?”

“Stop worrying about me,” Taylor whispered. 

“I can’t help it,” Zac chuckled. He was struck by the importance of how close they were, how well they knew each other in this moment. This might be awkward between anyone else, the chatter and the worry, but between them it just felt natural. Like it was supposed to be exactly like this. 

“Keep going,” Taylor whispered, his hand squeezing Zac’s side. Zac nodded and slowly pushed another finger inside of Taylor, his face heating up when Taylor let out a loud moan. Zac brought his other hand up to Taylor’s cheek, turning his face so he could kiss him. 

They kissed lazily, Taylor moaning against Zac’s mouth every few seconds, until Zac felt comfortable that they were ready. He drew his hand back and settled himself between Taylor’s legs which wrapped around him instantly, as if they knew that’s where they were supposed to be.

“Hey,” Zac said, smiling when Taylor opened his eyes. Zac grabbed one of Taylor’s hands, threading their fingers together and placing them on the bed by Taylor’s head. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Taylor smiled, squeezing Zac’s hand. “So much.”

“Ready?”

Taylor nodded, tightening his grip on Zac’s hand again as Zac slowly slid inside of him.

Zac’s head dropped forward, a gush of breath leaving his lungs all at once. He’d never felt anything like this before. There was nothing to compare the feeling to, and even if there were, he was sure it wouldn’t live up to this.

Time seemed to slow down, the air around them a little bit heavier. The room was completely silent except for the sound of their breathing. Zac pressed his forehead against Taylor’s, kissing him softly and squeezing his hand.

“Is it supposed to feel this good?” Taylor whispered, causing Zac to laugh. 

“I think so,” Zac smiled, kissing the corner of Taylor’s mouth. “I think this is exactly how it’s supposed to feel.”

 

Twenty minutes later they were in a heap of sweaty, tangled limbs, Taylor’s fingers drawing shapes on Zac’s bare back as Zac laid tiny kisses over the skin of Taylor’s chest. Any thought in Zac’s mind about Taylor being better off without him was long gone, replaced by the absolute knowledge that they were exactly where they were meant to be. Sex wasn’t everything to Zac, in fact it had never meant much at all to him, but something had shifted inside of him now and there was nothing that would ever be able to convince him that Taylor belonged anywhere but right where he was. 

Taylor sat up slowly, pulling Zac with him. He leaned in and kissed him, his fingers brushing along Zac’s cheek. There was something in his kiss that felt a little bit sad, and Zac wanted to ask him, fix anything that might be troubling him, but before he could do anything, Taylor grabbed both of his hands and squeezed them tightly before looking up at Zac.

“I need to talk to you about something.”

“Tay, what-“

“I don’t want you to freak out, okay? I need to talk to you and I need you to just understand.”

Zac could feel the euphoria of just moments ago draining slowly, replaced by a sense of unease that he was positive didn’t belong at the end of such a perfect series of moments. He swallowed and then nodded his head, squeezing Taylor’s hands back.

“Okay.” 

 

\----

 

The look of apprehension on Zac’s face was almost enough to make Taylor chicken out of leaving. He felt like the worst person in the world, sleeping with someone for the first time, taking his virginity, and then leaving him the next day. Did that make him an awful person? He knew before they even went to the park that day that he had wanted to figure out how to tell Zac he wanted to have sex, to be his first, so that he could bring that memory with his to rehab. He was going to be gone for three months, and the first six weeks were no contact from anyone outside of the facility, not even his immediate family members. He wanted that intimate moment as something to help him pull through during the tough times, during the times when he was learning more about himself than he even would have wanted to, something to help him remember that he was more than just a drug addict loser.

He knew three months was going to be torture, but it was also necessary. He had spent the majority of the day with his parents, working with their health insurance to try to find the best rehab facility around. There were some programs that lasted only 30 days, but Taylor was trying to be honest with himself, and he really didn’t think that 30 days would be enough to learn how to cope with life’s stresses and difficulties without drugs. His mother was the one who pointed out the 90 day program at a facility in Fort Smith, Arkansas, only an hour and a half away from home, and Taylor was sold. Insurance covered most of the cost, and everything else his parents offered to pay. He knew that rehab was going to be one of his last shots at proving to everyone that he was worth it, that he was more than just his addiction, and he was determined to make it work.

Still, seeing the look on his partner’s face didn’t make his decision any easier. The last thing he wanted to do was to leave him, all by himself, for three months, but hopefully he would understand that it was the best for both of them and also for everyone involved in their lives. Taylor scooted as close to Zac on the bed as he could before taking a deep breath. “I’m going to rehab.” 

“Wait, what?” Confusion was written all over Zac’s face. “But you’re clean, you’ve been clean for a while now. Why do you need to go to rehab?” He paused. “Oh my god, you started using again!” Tears filled his eyes instantly and Taylor’s heart broke. 

“No, no, Zac, no, I haven’t used since I relapsed, I swear, I am clean.” He wrapped an arm around his brother’s shoulder and pulled him close, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “I need to go to rehab so I can learn how to be sober and still deal with all of the shit going on in my life.”

“But that’s what I’m here for!” The other man pulled back and looked into his eyes, pleading with him. “I’m here to help you be sober, to help you with your life!” Taylor gave him a sad smile and shook his head. 

“Z, I know you’re here for me, and you’ve done so much more than I could have possibly ever asked you to. I really, really appreciate it, but you have to realize how unfair it is to you, too, don’t you?” Zac shook his head stubbornly and Taylor sighed . ”Zac, there’s only so much that you can do for me. I’m an addict, I have something fucked up in my brain, and I don’t know how to go around living my everyday life this way.” 

“But you’ve been doing it just fine for over a month!” Zac pulled back from him and got up from the bed, wrapping his arms across his chest. “You’ve been managing just fine, what changed?” 

“I haven’t been managing, Zac, that’s what I’m trying to tell you!” He got up from the bed and approached his brother, stopping in front of him, aching to reach out and touch him, but his body language warned him off. “You don’t understand how badly I want to go find some oxy to take every single moment of every single day. You can’t realize it, Zac, because I don’t want you to be so worried about me that you’re afraid to leave me alone or to go get a job or to live your own life! But anything that happens to me, Zac, any little thing, I immediately just want to pop a pill or two, get drunk, and forget about my life. That’s not normal!”

“But you haven’t done it, Tay, you haven’t! That’s what I’m trying to tell _you_!” Zac bit his lower lip and looked down at the ground, but not before Taylor saw the tears welling up again. 

“Zac, I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin 24/7. When I walked into the house to see Ezra and Natalie here, I immediately figured out a plan to get out of the house and to get downtown, to find my old dealer and buy some pills. No, I didn’t actually do it, but I don’t know how else to deal with the stress! I want to learn coping skills, I don’t always want the first thought in my mind when something goes wrong how to go score more drugs.” Taylor took a step toward Zac, then another, before he finally reached out and put both of his hands onto his shoulders. “Z, this has nothing to do with you, this isn’t me telling you that you didn’t do enough, okay?” 

“But if I were enough, you wouldn’t have to leave.” Taylor could hear the tears in his voice and immediately pulled him into a hug, placing his chin on top of his head as Zac pressed his face into his neck and curled his hands into his shirt. “Don’t leave me.” Taylor squeezed him as hard as he could, trying to keep himself together enough that he wouldn’t also dissolve into a puddle of tears. 

“I won’t be gone forever, Z. It’s only three months, 90 days. We can do that, we’re strong enough to make it through that.” Zac whimpered, but he felt his head nod slightly against his body. 

“We’re strong enough to get through anything.” He whispered before pulling back and looking into Taylor’s eyes. His eyes were red and puffy and his face tear stained, but Taylor had still never seen someone more beautiful. 

“I love you, Zac, so fucking much. I’m doing this for me, but I’m also doing it for you. I want to be the man you deserve. I want to be the man I deserve to be, I want to be the father Ezra deserves.” He brought a hand to Zac’s cheek and cupped it, running a thumb under his eye to get rid of stray tears. 

“I love you, too.” Zac leaned into his touch and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before he opened them again. “When are you leaving?” Taylor bit his lip and lowered his gaze to the ground beneath them. 

“First thing in the morning. The facility had an immediate opening, and I had to get there in order to secure it.” He chanced a look back up at Zac and hated the hurt he saw in his face. 

“Where is it? Here, in Tulsa?” Taylor shook his head. 

“In Fort Smith. It was the closest place that was covered by insurance.”

“Can I come visit you?” Taylor internally cursed, Zac was asking all of the questions he really didn’t want to answer. 

“Not for the first six weeks. They don’t allow anyone any visitors before then.” 

“That’s bullshit.” Taylor couldn’t help but let out a little laugh, he had definitely thought the same thing when the admission counselor told him. 

“I know, Z, but it’ll be okay. And as soon as six weeks are up, you’ll come visit and you’ll get to see the new and improved me.” Zac leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his waist, burying his face into his chest. “But get this – We can’t see each other, but we can write to each other. Snail mail anyway, no email, but still. Better than nothing, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Taylor really wished that Zac was a little more supportive or enthusiastic or something, he was trying to do the right thing here! But he also knew that he had sprung the news on him really quick, and maybe he just needed to lower his own expectations a little?

“Well, since this is our last night together for a while…” He trailed off, forcing a smile on his face. “You wanna make the best of it?” He pulled back a little and raised an eyebrow at Zac, then looked at the bed and back at his brother. Luckily, Zac laughed and rolled his eyes.

“You so owe me.” Taylor nodded and pressed their lips together before bringing them down to the bed. 

“I so do.”


	21. Chapter 21

Zac would like to be able to say that he spent most of the night tossing and turning, unable to sleep, but the truth is that he spent almost the entire night laying on his side, his eyes trained on Taylor’s face. It didn’t matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he could go to sleep, it was just something he couldn’t force his brain to do. He knew that he had precious few hours left of Taylor being next to him all the time and he didn’t want to waste a single one of them. 

He was sure he’d memorized every tiny detail of Taylor’s face, committed the exact way his breath left his lips while he slept, the way his chest rose and fell slowly and evenly to his memory. He was going to need these things to make it through 90 days and nights without Taylor next to him. If living through it was going to be half as hard as it felt it would be, Zac would need every small comfort he could gather up to claw his way through their time apart. 

It was nearing six in the morning when Taylor’s alarm started going off from the tiny nightstand by the sofa bed. Zac leaned over him and shut the alarm off, pressing his lips against Taylor’s cheek. He brushed a few stray hairs from Taylor’s eyes and then leaned down towards him, running his thumb over his cheek.

“Time to wake up,” Zac spoke softly into Taylor’s ear, laughing when Taylor let out a defiant sound while pulling Zac down onto him. “You have to get up, Tay. If you don’t, we wont make it to the center in time.”

“Changed my mind,” Taylor groaned, wrapping his arms around Zac and burying his face in his neck. “Staying here with you where it’s warm.”

“As much as I’d like that, I can’t let you do that,” Zac grinned, kissing Taylor’s head and then pushing him lightly off of him. “You have to go.”

“I thought you didn’t want me to go,” Taylor finally opened his eyes and smiled at Zac.

“I don’t,” Zac grinned. “But I know you should.”

Taylor leaned in to Zac and pressed his lips against his, his hand moving to the back of Zac’s neck. They kissed lazily, Taylor slowly moving so he was pressed up against him. Zac sighed when Taylor’s hand slid underneath his thin t-shirt, his fingers lightly brushing over his skin. Zac’s lips parted readily for Taylor as his hand pushed on Zac’s back, his other hand pulling him on top of him. 

Taylor’s hands were slowly pushing Zac’s shirt up his body just as the sound of one of their phones ringing punctuated the air around them, both of them groaning at the same time as Zac slowly rolled off of Taylor. It took them a few seconds to figure out that it was Taylor’s phone from the nightstand, Zac grabbing it and handing it over to him.

“Mom,” Taylor said before pressing the phone to his ear. “Hi.”

Zac pushed himself off of the bed and walked to his dresser, pulling out a fresh outfit and changing quickly while Taylor talked to their mom. When he finished, he turned to see Taylor placing the phone back down and standing up himself. 

“She just wanted to make sure we were up.”

“Well, we are now,” Zac laughed lightly, walking over to Taylor and sliding his arms around his waist. “Are you nervous?”

“A little,” Taylor shrugged. 

“You’ll do great,” Zac smiled, leaning in and kissing him softly. “You should get dressed.”

“Just a few more minutes of this first?” Taylor mock pouted, tilting his head to the side.

“I guess,” Zac grinned. “But just a few.”

 

 

Fifteen minutes later, Zac and Taylor stood in the kitchen after Taylor said his goodbyes to everyone. They’d decided the night before that Zac would drive Taylor to the airport, Taylor explaining to their parents that he thought it would be a good thing for them after just recently getting their relationship back on track. Zac knew, though, that it had more to do with the fact that they didn’t want to spend any more time apart than absolutely necessary. 

The whole family, Natalie and Ezra included, walked out onto the front lawn of their home as Zac hoisted Taylor’s suitcase into the trunk of Diana’s car. When Zac turned back to his family to see Taylor kneeling down on the ground in front of Ezra, his arms around the boy, he smiled, the distinct feeling of oncoming tears taking him over.

“I know you just got here, and we just started to get to know each other, but I have to go away for a little while,” Taylor spoke low and evenly to Ezra. “I’m going to a place where I can get better so I can be the best dad that I can be for you, okay?” Ezra nodded at Taylor, his small hands on either of Taylor’s shoulders. “When I get back, you and Mommy will be all settled in here, and while I'm gone Grandma and Grandpa, and especially Uncle Zac are going to take good care of you.”

Zac looked over at Natalie and smiled softly, walking over to her and putting his arm gently around her shoulders as she wiped away a few tears. 

“If you want some advice,” Taylor grinned up at Zac and then looked back down at Ezra, speaking in a mock whisper. “Uncle Zac always has a hidden stash of all the best candy, and he spends a lot of his time playing really cool video games and watching cartoons. I bet you that by the time I get back, you’ll be a pro at all of the old Super Mario games.”

Ezra laughed then and looked over at Zac, a huge smile on his face.

“You’ll teach me?”

“Of course I will, buddy,” Zac smiled, tightening his hold on Natalie a little bit.

“The time will go by really fast, and in a month or so you can all come and visit me,” Taylor pulled Ezra to him and hugged him tightly. “And then when I come home, we’ll all be a real family, and it will be perfect.”

Ezra nodded and Taylor hugged him one more time before standing up and walking over to Zac and Natalie.

“They’re going to take really good care of you guys, and they’ll help you move your things here and settle in. I’m really glad you showed up here, Nat, you’re pushing me to do what I should have already done.”

“It’s all for Ezra,” Natalie smiled. “You’re going to miss your flight if you stay here making us all cry for much longer.”

Taylor laughed, wrapping his arms around Natalie and squeezing softly, “thank you.”

“For what?” She looked up at him once he pulled away.

“For showing up, for agreeing to move here...just for everything,” Taylor shrugged, looking over at Zac. “We should go.”

Zac nodded, walking towards the car and pulling open the passenger side door before walking around to the drivers side. He watched as Taylor waved goodbye to everyone one more time and then climbed into the car, turning the engine. Once Taylor was buckled up next to him he slowly maneuvered the car out of the driveway and onto the road.

They drove the first few minutes to the airport in silence before Zac let out a soft laugh, his hand reaching across the space in between them and taking Taylor’s.

“Last time we were at the airport together, you’d barely look at me.”

“Feels like a lifetime ago,” Taylor shook his head. “I’m really sorry for-”

“No more apologies,” Zac squeezed Taylor’s hand, looking over at him quickly before looking back out at the road. “It’s all about the future now.”

“Our future,” Taylor gave Zac’s hand a little squeeze this time.

“Our future,” Zac agreed, smiling as he merged onto the highway.

 

When they pulled up to the terminal, Zac put the car in park and leaned back in his seat for a second before turning his head to look at Taylor. He was looking out at the doors to the airport, a frown on his face. 

“What’s wrong?” Zac reached over and put a hand on Taylor’s thigh.

“You’ll wait for me, right?” Taylor’s voice was just above a whisper.

“What?”

“I mean,” Taylor shook his head, looking over at Zac. “You’ll- we’ll still be- 90 days is a long time.”

“I’ve been waiting for you for my whole life,” Zac shook his head, leaning towards Taylor. “90 days is nothing.”

Taylor let out a loud breath of air and then quickly closed the space in between them, both of his hands landing on either of Zac’s cheeks. 

“I can’t do this unless I know that I have you,” he whispered, nearly smashing their lips together. 

Zac wrapped his arms around Taylor’s back, pulling them as close together as they could get with the cars center console in between them. Their kisses were chaste, but needy and feverish, Taylor’s fingers practically digging into Zac’s cheeks. 

When they finally parted, Taylor kept his eyes closed for a few seconds. Zac could tell he was trying to even out his breathing and calm himself down. If Zac didn't know any better, he’d think that Taylor was silently counting to ten in his head.

“You have me,” Zac finally spoke, his hands on Taylor’s shoulders. “You always have me.”

Taylor nodded and then opened his eyes, the corner of his mouth lifting just slightly. 

“You have to get out of the car,” Zac smiled. “You’re going to miss your flight.”

“Six weeks is such a long time,” Taylor shook his head.

“Six weeks is nothing,” Zac shrugged. “I’ll be there the minute I’m allowed to see you, I promise.”

Taylor looked at him for a few seconds before finally nodding and exhaling, “alright,” he nodded again. “Let’s do this.”

They got out of the car and walked around to the trunk, Zac pulling Taylor’s suitcase out and placing it down on the pavement before popping the handle up. He pushed it lightly towards Taylor before stepping closer to him and wrapping his arms around him again.

“I love you,” he said softly into Taylor’s ear. “And I'm so proud of you.”

“I love you too,” Taylor took a step back before leaning in and pressing a quick kiss to Zac’s mouth. “I’ll see you soon.”

Zac nodded, forcing a smile on to his face.

“Soon.”

Taylor nodded, grabbing the handle of the suitcase and rolling it onto the sidewalk. He gave Zac one last smile before turning around and walking towards the sliding doors of the airport. When he finally made it to the doors, he turned to face Zac and put his hand on his chest, right over his heart. He smiled and then turned around again, walking through the doors and disappearing into the airport. 

Zac stood there, leaning against the car and looking through the glass doors until every sign of Taylor had vanished from his line of vision. 

Six weeks of separation couldn’t kill a person, but Zac had a feeling that it might come pretty close.

 

 

—

 

 

Saying goodbye to Ezra was heart wrenching. The look of confusion on the little boys face and the way he clung to him when they hugged goodbye was almost enough to make Taylor stay, but he knew he couldn’t, that leaving was as much for Ezra’s good as it was his own. Saying goodbye to Zac at the airport, however, was a completely different story. He wanted to bring him with him, or to stay in the car with him for the rest of their lives. When he finally worked up the courage to get out of the car and enter the airport, he felt as though he had left a limb in the car with his brother, a vital part of him that he wouldn’t get back until he was back home, with Zac, where he belonged.

The flight was short, almost too short. He had wanted time to think about what he was about to do, to think about the reasons behind it, as though he hadn’t already done that, but as soon as they were up in the air, they were back down again and his anxiety was on high. As he walked off the plane and made his way to baggage claim, he saw someone holding a sign with the last name “Hanson” on it. He sighed and approached the man. 

“I’m Taylor Hanson.” He shoved his hands in his pocket and looked down, avoiding eye contact. 

“Nice to meet you Taylor, I’m Jonathan.” Jonathan’s voice was deep, not what he had expected, but he could hear the smile in his voice, which wasn’t something most people could do. “I’m really glad to have you with us, Taylor. Did you check a bag?” He looked up at the other man and nodded. “Alright then, let’s go grab it so we can head on out.”

He wanted to make conversation, wanted to be friendly and show this man  he had what it took to get through rehab, but from the time they grabbed his bag until they got to the rehab facility, it took everything in Taylor not to throw up – Making conversation was absolutely out of the question. Jonathan told him about the facility and some of the staff, but mostly he just flipped between radio stations, singing along to the songs he knew and trying to lighten the mood. Taylor had a feeling this was normal for him, talking to someone who didn’t want to talk back, after all, they were headed to rehab. How many addicts coming off of drugs were really that chatty?

The building that they pulled up to was nothing like what Taylor was expecting. He though he would be staying somewhere that basically looked like a hospital, but instead, it was a few buildings hidden behind a long driveway set up to look almost like a miniature college campus. Jonathan pointed out each building and its purpose as they walked to the main hall, but Taylor just tuned him out, too busy looking at all of the gardens and trees. Getting checked in didn’t take too long, though he felt any dignity he had left go out the window when the staff searched his belongings for drugs. He also had to submit to a strip search, and while he understood why, he still felt like dirt – How did he manage to get put into this kind of situation?

He had expected to have a room to himself, but when he walked in to the room he’d been assigned, he was a little surprised to see two beds and someone sitting on one of them. The person, his new roommate, looked up from the book in his hands and a smile took over his face. “Hey, you must be Taylor! I’m Dustin!” Taylor walked into the room and placed his suitcase on his bed, giving Dustin a small smile in return. 

“Uh, hey.” His voice cracked on the last word and he cleared his throat, embarrassed. Dustin laughed. 

“I know you’re probably freaked out right now, but don’t be. This place is pretty great.” Taylor unzipped his bad and flipped it open, pulling out some of his clothes and starting to put them away in the chest of drawers next to his bed. 

“I’m not freaked out, just kinda… Out of my element.” He bit his lip, knowing how stupid he sounded. “How long have you been here?” 

“Right around eight weeks.” Dustin leaned back on his bed and resumed his place in his book. “It’s been kind of the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Taylor could sense Dustin was expecting him to ask about it, ask about his addiction, maybe his entire life story, but he really couldn’t care to do that right then. All he wanted to do was curl up on his bed and take a nap, but those plans were cut short by a knock on the door. Jonathan stepped inside the doorway and looked between the both of them.

“Hey gentlemen, group is in five minutes. Dustin, please make sure Taylor makes it to the right place.” 

\--

The first full day of rehab was something Taylor would liken to torture. He wasn’t much of a people person when he was sober, and there were so many people always around him. If he wasn’t in one group session, he was in another, and if he wasn’t in that one, he was in the break room where he was expected to play board games or write letters to his family or watch TV. All he wanted to do was go back to his room and decompress, try to catch his breath and organize his thoughts, but he wasn’t allowed in his room alone – Not yet anyway. He had to earn that privilege by doing chores or volunteering to help out the new patients or serve food in the dining hall. He didn’t understand how any of those things connected to him being allowed to have time to himself, but until he could earn some, he was stuck. 

Individual counseling was also something the rehab facility expected him to participate in, once a day for the first two weeks and then maybe every other day after that, if he was progressing well enough. Dr. Hopper was nice, though the smile on her face seemed a little forced. Taylor couldn’t really blame her, it was almost the end of the day and she was probably ready to go home. She asked him all of the normal questions, when was the last time he used drugs, why did he take them, blah blah blah, nothing Taylor hadn’t been asked before. His answers were short, often one word, and he felt a sense of disappointment coming off of her. At the end of their session, he got up off of the chair, but she reached out to stop him. 

“Taylor, you’re not here by court order, you know. You came here by choice, and you can leave at any time. Rehab will only work for you if you work it. This isn’t going to be fun or easy, you’re probably going to want to quit many times, but think about why you chose to come here. If you want to do what you came here to do, you need to put in the effort, more than just the minimum.” Taylor felt embarrassed, wanted to cry and scream and tell her that he had had a rough day, dammit, and who the hell was she to chastise him? Instead, he just nodded and shuffled out of the room, trying to keep his emotions at bay.

The shower was the only place he was allowed to be truly alone, he found. Tears streamed down his face as he thought about what Dr. Hopper had said and how ashamed he felt for thinking only about himself. He had chosen to go to rehab for Ezra, for Zac, but most importantly, he had chosen to go for himself, to be a person he could be proud of. He wanted to badly to talk to Zac, to curl up in his arms and get some kind of comfort from him, to relieve the mental anguish he was going through, and knowing he couldn’t have that for three whole months was enough to make him cry even more. 

Sleep was hard to come by. He tossed and turned, occasionally having to wipe away a stray tear or two as they sprang to his eyes. He hadn’t realized how accustomed he had gotten to being in the same bed with his brother, being able to reach out and touch him, or scoot close and wrap his arms around his body. He felt so cold, so lonely, and he almost couldn’t handle it. Dustin was frustrated, he could tell, he kept heavy sighing all over the place and at one point, pulled one of his pillows over his head to block out the noise Taylor was making, and that just served to make him feel even worse. Even his roommate hated him, and he had only known him for one day! When the sun finally came up, he was sure he had maybe gotten a combined 30 minutes of sleep, but at least he finally had a reason to get up and start his day.


	22. Chapter 22

Zac had spent as much time working as he could in the week after Taylor left. He picked up every shift he could, offered to cover for others, anything to keep him from being in the house. He didn’t want to walk around the basement and see Taylor’s face everywhere, look at the spots Taylor should be occupying and find them empty. 

The time he didn’t spend at the bookshop was divided between writing, songs, poems, stories, anything to keep his mind off of the fact that a part of him was missing, and spending time with Ezra and Natalie. 

Zac was surprised at just how much he enjoyed spending time with Ezra. Despite not growing up with Taylor there to parent him, he had so much of his father in him that at times Zac found himself just watching him, wide-eye’d and amazed at the small version of his brother. It was one of those times, right before dusk at the park around the corner, when Natalie slid onto the bench Zac had been watching them play from.

“He really enjoys having you around, you know,” Natalie smiled over at Zac and then looked back towards her son.

“Yeah,” Zac smiled. “I enjoy spending time with him, too.”

“This wasn’t exactly what I expected when I came to Oklahoma, but he’s lucky to have you all. We don’t have a lot of family back home, it’s really just us and my parents.”

“I wouldn’t even know what having a small family is like,” Zac chuckled. “Sometimes I think it would be peaceful.”

“It’s lonely, mostly.”

Zac looked over at Natalie and took in her face. She was pretty, not in an overwhelming, in your face way, but in that way that you just knew the second you looked at her that she was. You could read the huge heart she had right off of her face, and Zac was amazed that she’d spent the last five years doing nothing but raising a child and working to better his life. He thought she could have found someone, someone back home to help her raise Ezra, but he realized she must have been holding out hope that one day she’d find Taylor, and she’d be able to raise her child with the other person he belonged to. It made Zac feel almost guilty, knowing that he was a part of the reason why she’d still never have that.

“Can I ask you something?” He asked quietly, looking back at Ezra who was sliding down the big slide in the middle of the playground and then running back to the ladder over and over again.

“Sure.”

“I know you said you weren’t, but were you holding out some hope…about you and Tay, I mean?”

Natalie looked over at him and opened her mouth to speak and then shut it again. She looked like she was trying to come up with the words to answer his question, but wasn’t quite sure what they were. Finally, she smiled a little and shrugged.

“Maybe, just a little bit,” she looked back at Ezra. “You know, we’re told our whole lives that kids deserve a mother and a father and for them to be together,” she paused for a second and then looked back at Zac. “But, being here, I’ve kind of realized that maybe they just need the mother and the father and the together part isn’t so important.”

“Yeah,” Zac nodded. “Maybe.”

“So, what do you know about this person that Taylor is in love with?” Zac looked over at Natalie and she was grinning warmly at him, and he wondered for a split second if she knew before realizing that there was no way she would just come to that assumption on her own. 

“I-” Zac shook his head, smiling and looking down at his knees. “All I know is that they’re in love with him, too.”

“Have you met them?”

“Um, yeah. I guess I’ve met them,” Zac nodded.

“Do you think it’s a long term-”

“I’m not really comfortable talking about this,” Zac looked back at her. “I, um…I don’t know that much, I don’t…I don’t want to talk about Taylor’s personal business.”

“Right,” Natalie frowned, nodding. “Sorry, I was just curious, I guess. You know, since Ezra will inevitably be involved.”

“Yeah,” Zac sighed. “I guess he will.”

They sat in an uncomfortable silence, both of them looking at Ezra and consciously not looking at one another. Zac told himself to just keep quiet, don’t speak, don’t say more than you should. But, before he could stop himself he turned back to Natalie and let out a breath.

“It’s me.”

“What?” Natalie turned to him slowly and tilted her head to the side. 

“The person - the guy - that Taylor is…” Zac shook his head and cursed quietly to himself. “It’s me. I’m the person.”

“I'm-" Natalie shook her head, her eyes wide. “What are you - you? It’s you? You’re the guy that Taylor is in love with? And…and, you’re in love with him, too?”

“Yeah,” Zac nodded, his eyebrows drawing together. “I know it doesn’t make sense, and you probably think that I’m-”

“I, um-" Natalie stood up and straightened out her shirt. She turned towards where Ezra was and called for him, telling him it was time to go home. “I need to…I think I just need to go right now,” she shook her head. “I can’t talk about…” she trailed off, looking down at Ezra when he appeared at her side. “I just need to go, Zac.”

Zac opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He watched as she took Ezra’s hand and walked out of the park and onto the sidewalk leading to their house. He dropped his head into his hands and groaned, thinking that maybe someday he’d learn when to keep his mouth shut. 

 

—

 

When he’d gotten home about an hour after Natalie and Ezra had left the playground, they were nowhere to be found. At dinner time, Diana had said that Natalie had decided to take Ezra out for pizza and a movie. Zac didn’t want to believe it was because of him, but he knew that it was. No amount of self convincing could change that. 

 

The next four weeks were much of the same. The only time Zac saw Ezra was when Natalie would send him downstairs on her way out the door to the nursing job she had found herself. Zac would spend his days off babysitting Ezra, which proved to be much less of a job than it was just pure fun. Digging out his old video game consoles and teaching a whole new generation how to play them was a job that Zac didn’t realize he needed in life, but he loved every minute of it. 

 

One night, Zac was sitting outside poking at a small fire he’d built in their fire pit, more out of sheer boredom than any need for a fire, when Natalie came out of the house and walked over to the fire pit, stretching her hands out to warm them by it.

“So,” She looked up at Zac and smiled. “One more week until you can see him, are you excited?”

Zac stared over the fire at her for several seconds. She hadn’t spoken a single word to him since that day at the park, and now her smiling face was confusing to say the least. 

“Yeah,” he said tentatively. “I am.”

“Look, Zac,” Natalie sighed, holding her hands out to the fire again. “I reacted poorly and I’m sorry. I should have talked to you - or let you talk to me about it. I don’t understand, and honestly I’m not sure I ever will, but we should talk about it.”

“You want to talk about it?” Zac lifted an eyebrow.

“Honestly,” Natalie grinned. “Not really. It freaks me out. I couldn’t stop thinking about it for weeks. I wasn’t avoiding you because I was angry with you, I was avoiding you because I was totally freaked out. I still am, I guess,” she shrugged and then smiled wider. “But, you guys have become my family. I told you, I didn’t have much for family before…I don’t want to lose the family I’ve found. Not over this.”

Zac nodded and rubbed his hands together, stepping a little closer to the fire. He looked up at her and was surprised to find her still smiling at him.

“So?” She shrugged. “Wanna tell me about it? Help me to understand.”

“Sure,” Zac smiled. “What do you want to know?”

“I guess start at the beginning. Tell me everything. How’d it start?”

“Well,” Zac grinned, letting out a heavy breath. “This could take a while.”

 

—

 

The week leading up to Zac going to see Taylor was far more pleasant than the five before it. When he wasn’t working, he spent all of his time with Natalie and Ezra, keeping all three of them occupied. Since opening up to Natalie, she’d become a shoulder for Zac to lean on when he needed to talk, let things out that he couldn’t tell anyone else. He’d found himself growing more and more thankful for her presence in his life, which was more than a small shock to him considering how thrown he’d been by her arrival. 

He’d grown to the point where he’d call her his friend, which, aside from Piper was something that he didn’t have a lot of. Thinking about Piper made a pang of sadness hit him and suddenly he longed for his best friend. He’d been so busy with Taylor, and then with Natalie’s arrival in their lives, and then everything that followed, that he’d been neglecting their friendship. He was sure she was busy living the big life out in New York City and she’d barely even noticed his absence, but that thought didn’t make him feel much better about it. He made a deal with himself right then that once he got to see Taylor and he felt better about that, he’d make a point of calling her. Maybe he’d even go out for a visit. He could use a change of scenery. 

“Hey,” Natalie’s voice shook Zac out of his thoughts about Piper, and he smiled when he turned to see her standing at the bottom of the basement stairs. “You ready? I don’t want you to miss your flight.”

“Yeah,” he smiled, standing up from the pull out sofa and grabbing his bag. “Thanks for driving me.”

“Of course,” she smiled. “How do you think he’ll be?”

Zac followed her up the stairs, thankful to see that no one else appeared to be home. He didn’t feel like having some long goodbye with his parents or having them give him messages to pass along. He just wanted to get there and see Taylor, six weeks might seem like nothing to some people, but Zac was starting to feel like he’d been living a full lifetime without him. 

“Good, I hope. It’s not like he went in there hopped up on pills or anything…this is just precautionary, right?”

Natalie opened the door, holding it for Zac to come out with his bag. 

“True. I think everything will be fine.”

They got into Natalie’s car after Zac tossing his bag in the backseat. They buckled up and Natalie fiddled with the radio for a few seconds before settling on some oldies. She backed out of the driveway and suddenly Zac noticed that something was missing.

“Hey, where’s Ez?”

“Your parents took him out for brunch. I didn’t want him to be upset that he couldn’t go see Taylor too, you know? He keeps asking when he’s going to be home. The other night he looked at me with those big eyes and he said, Mommy, I just got my Daddy and he’s gone now, whens he coming back? Broke my heart.”

Zac frowned as Natalie veered onto the highway. He knew Taylor’s absence was affecting more than just him, but he hated that it was affecting that little boy. He never expected to grow so fond of Ezra, but he knew inside of him now that he’d do nearly anything for him.

“Maybe we can all go next time,” Zac looked over at Natalie and smiled a little when she looked back at him.

“Yeah,” she nodded before looking back out at the road. “That would be nice.”

 

-

 

The flight to Taylor was short, but it felt like it stretched on forever. Zac was so anxious just to see his face, know that he was okay, he found himself unable to focus on anything else. There were scenarios playing in his head ranging from Taylor being elated to see him and throwing himself into his arms all the way to a blank eye’d Taylor staring somewhere over Zac’s shoulder from across a grey plastic table in a colorless visiting room. 

He was hoping for more of a reunion that would match the former scenario rather than the latter, but he couldn’t help but worry that whatever kind of treatments Taylor was undergoing would have changed him in a way where Zac wouldn’t recognize him anymore. He didn’t know why he this thought was tickling at the back of his mind, but it was something he hadn’t been able to shake for the last few days. There was absolutely no historical precedence for him to believe that rehab would do this to a person, and he knew he was being a pessimist, a title that he frequently put on himself in private. 

 

The cab he called to take him from the airport to Taylor arrived quickly, barely a word spoken between the driver and himself, and Zac was more thankful for the quiet than he was sure the driver would ever be able to appreciate. Climbing out of the taxi and walking into the front doors of the main building of Taylor’s facility brought a sprinkling of tiny goosebumps to the surface of Zac’s skin, his palms sweating just slightly, just enough to make him uncomfortable. 

When he told the woman behind the desk in the lobby his name she smiled, commenting on how she just knew that Taylor would be thrilled to finally see a friendly face. Zac could only hope.

Another worker lead Zac throughout the main building and out a back door to a wide open area that was much more beautiful than anything Zac expected to see at a place like this. Somehow, when he pictured rehab, he had pictured grey and cold and a void of character. But, this courtyard area was stunning. A small gazebo in the middle, surrounded by bright flowers, green grass and pretty benches everywhere you looked. It was more like something you’d expect to see in Central Park than in a place where people went to fight their demons. 

The employee deposited Zac next to a bench near the gazebo, telling him Taylor would be out any minute now, they were just finishing up afternoon therapy, and to make himself at home while he waited. He walked around the gazebo, looking at all of the flowers around it, wondering if they had someone on the staff who’s sole job was to take care of the courtyard. He was just about to start running over his worst case scenarios on how this visit would go when he turned towards the doors of the building. 

Tight red shirt, sleeves pushed up to his elbows, nearly too tight dark colored jeans and brown boots, the look topped by a pair of Ray Ban sunglasses; Taylor was walking towards him, a smile breaking out on his face when Zac’s eyes finally met his. He sprinted the last handful of feet separating them, throwing his arms around Zac and pressing his face to the side of his.

“Oh God,” he whispered against Zac’s face. “I missed you so much.”

Zac felt every reservation he’d been holding inside of him dissipate, just float away into the air like they’d never existed at all. 

“I’m here,” he smiled, wrapping his arms around Taylor’s. “I’m finally here.”

 

 

\--

 

If Taylor was being honest, he really hated rehab. He didn’t hate it because it was stupid and pointless, however, he hated it because it made him confront all of the demons going on in his brain and in his life that had led him to the point of being an addict. The first week was probably the hardest, he cried more than he thought he had ever cried in his life, and he came so close to signing himself out. He didn’t want to confront the things he needed to confront; it was too hard and brought back too many bad memories. Having to relive Zac leaving for college was the worst thing he could imagine, he felt sick after every group session, and even more so after the individual ones. Recalling the feeling of loss and abandonment left Taylor aching to be back with Zac, holding him in his arms, never to let him go again. Going back to his room to an empty bed with only Dustin for company was a punch in the gut, and he spent most nights tossing and turning.

The second week was a little easier, he was able to open up more about his relationship with his parents and his siblings without feeling like he was revealing too much of himself. Group sessions were easier than his individual sessions, he felt a lot less judged by his peers than he did by Dr. Hopper. He knew she wasn’t judging him, she was just doing her job trying to get him to talk and to help him, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was being looked down on because he was there. He ate his meals alone, not wanting to make any friends, and no one really bothered him either. There were some cliques, it reminded Taylor of high school, but for the most part, everyone talked to everyone. He wanted to be more sociable, but at the same time, he also just wanted to get his time done so that he could get home. Dustin wasn’t the most friendly guy in the world, but Taylor had a feeling it had to do with his inability to sleep most nights which he knew also kept his roommate up. He offered to switch rooms, but Dustin told him that they wouldn’t do it, he had already tried and they told him to learn to get along with him. Taylor was a little hurt he had gone behind his back, but just bit his tongue and tried to move on.

In the middle of his third week, Taylor was in his individual session with Dr. Hopper when she finally asked the question he had hoped she never would.

“So, Taylor, tell me about your relationship with your little brother, Zac. You two seem awfully close, you talk about him a lot.”

Taylor’s defenses instantly went up, he didn’t like the way Dr. Hopper asked the question, and he felt like she knew more than she was initially letting on.

“Uh, well, he’s kind of my best friend.” He started, feeling lame. Zac was way more than that, he was his entire life, and he felt like he was betraying that by not readily admitting it.

“Okay, that’s pretty typical. Siblings typically have close relationships. But you’ve mentioned before that your addiction started because he left for college and you felt abandoned, right?” Taylor tried to hold back a glare, not wanting to let her know that she was getting to him, and nodded. “So you weren’t always this close, am I right?” Again, Taylor nodded before speaking.

“We were best friends growing up, and once he went to college, we had a really bad falling out. H-He came out, to me, before he left. He told me he was gay, and I reacted…” He paused, trying to come up with the right words. “I reacted like a complete asshole.” He shrugged and looked down at his hands, biting the inside of his cheek.

“Did you have any idea he could be gay before he told you he was?” Dr. Hooper’s voice was soft, almost reassuring, but he wasn’t going to fall for it.

“I think maybe I did?” He looked up at her and shrugged again. “He never really had girlfriends, or really many friends at all. We hung out all the time, and did everything together. It didn’t really seem like he was interested, and honestly, I kind of wasn’t either.” He couldn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth, he felt more vulnerable that he’d felt in a long time, and not in a good way.

“If you thought he might have been gay, why do you think you reacted so poorly to him confirming it?” Taylor wanted to scream, he already knew why he reacted the way he did, and he also knew that if he told her why, she would think he was insane! He just shrugged and leaned back against the back of the couch, bringing his legs up underneath of him. “I think you already know and you’re just afraid of saying it out loud, Taylor.”

“Of course I already know!” Taylor’s temper got the better of him and he lashed out at Dr. Hooper, unable to stop himself. “It’s because I’m in love with him, I already fucking figured that out, but thanks for thinking you’re giving me some kind of breakthrough here!” Dr. Hooper looked a little taken aback, but she recovered pretty quickly.

“So you’ve already made this revelation, that’s a good thing! That means that you’re further along in your recovery than I even thought.” He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Look, I don’t know what you’re trying to get to here, but Zac is the least of my problems. He and I, we are solid. When he came back, we had our rough moments, we actually kind of hated each other, but now…” He trailed off, a small smile playing on his lips. “We’re good. We got our heads out of our asses and we are making it work. I wouldn’t be clean if it weren’t for him.” Dr. Hooper nodded along with what he was saying and made a few notes before looking back up at him.

“So Taylor, I’m sure you’re aware how unusual your situation is, then. Being in a romantic relationship with a family member, especially one as close to you as a sibling, it isn’t healthy.” Taylor felt his face go red, embarrassment and anger welling up inside of him, but he kept his mouth shut, not wanting to give her any more ammunition to use against him. “I understand why you think you’re in love with him, but have you thought that maybe, just maybe, you latched on to the first person to show you any kind of love and compassion after you were alone for so long?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Taylor jumped up from the couch, his hands clenched into fists at his side. “What Zac and I have, it’s real and it’s beautiful and sometimes it fucking hurts, but that doesn’t mean that I’m just clinging to him out of comfort or something!” Dr. Hooper didn’t even look surprised at his outburst, she simply leaned back in her chair and looked up at him.

“If that’s the case, then why are you getting so defensive with me? If you’re so convinced that what you and he have is so real, you shouldn’t have to justify your relationship to anyone, right?”

Taylor opened his mouth, ready to fire back at her to tell her that she didn’t know what she was talking about, but then her words hit him like a train and he closed his mouth, not knowing what to say. Was she right? Did he really just think he was in love with Zac when really, he just appreciated everything he had done for him to help him get clean? He’d never been in love before, so how the hell would he even know if he was or not, right?

“I don’t know what to say.” He mumbled, letting his gaze fall into his lap.

“You don’t have to say anything, Taylor, our session is almost up anyway, but it’s just something to think about, okay?” He nodded, feeling numb as he got up from the couch and walked out of the room, not bothering to look back.

\--

Taylor moved through the next couple of weeks feeling invisible. He still participated in his group sessions, but his individual sessions had turned into a lot of grunting and nodding. Dr. Hooper had given him another lecture about needing to work the system if he wanted to make the most out of rehab, but he just rolled his eyes and kept his mouth shut. He wanted to hate her, but mostly she just made him sad. He spent every night lying in bed, thinking about how she was right – He was clinging to his brother out of a sense of comfort in order to have a reason to be clean, what the hell was wrong with him? He had just gotten his relationship with his little brother back on track, and then he had to go and complicate it by bringing romance and sex into it! He had always managed to mess up everything in his life, so he couldn’t even bring himself to be surprised that he had messed that up.

He cried himself to sleep night after night, begging a God he had long since stopped believing in for forgiveness, to help him right all of the wrongs he had made in his life. Zac deserved so much more, so much better! He was pure and untouched, and Taylor knew what he needed to do in order to make everything okay again.

He woke up the day of his first family visit with a clear mind, finally. Zac was going to be visiting him, and while he was nervous, he knew what he needed to do – He was going to break up with him. He could already see the look on his brother’s face, he could already imagine the tears and the feelings of guilt and anguish that would be washing off of him, but he kept reminding himself that it was for the greater good. Zac deserved a happy ending, and Taylor was never going to be able to give him that. He got up and got ready for the day, trying to draw things out so that by the time Zac got there, he would just be able to go.

Instead, he found himself sitting on his bed, legs tucked underneath of him, counting down the seconds on the large clock on the wall. He jumped every time someone walked by the door, hoping they were there to tell him Zac was there, but no one came. He sat there for so long he began to wonder if maybe Zac just decided not to come. He ignored the pain in his chest at the thought and tried to think of it as a good thing, after all, if Zac didn’t show up, that would likely mean he felt the same way about breaking up, and then Taylor wouldn’t have to be the one to do the dirty work. He felt like an asshole for thinking that way, but as he began to repeat it over and over in his head, he started to make peace with it – They were truly over. Zac didn’t show up, and they were done.

“Taylor, your brother is in the courtyard waiting for you.” Jonathan popped his head in quickly, causing Taylor to almost jump out of his skin. He starred at the man for a moment too long, trying to comprehend the words that came out of his mouth.

“Zac’s here? As in, like, Zac is here, waiting for me?” His words fell all over each other and he was sure he sounded like an idiot, but he didn’t even care. Jonathan gave him a look that clearly showed how weird he was acting and nodded.

“Uh yeah, he got here just a few minutes ago. Do you need me to walk out with you?” Taylor shook his head as he got to his feet, though when his knees almost gave out underneath of him, he let out a sharp laugh. Why was he acting like such a fool? This was Zac! Just because they were about to have the most awkward and awful conversation in the history of the world didn’t mean he needed to react so emotionally.

“No, I’m good, thanks though.” He walked out of his room and down the corridor, turning down the hallways that led to the courtyard. His heart was racing and he felt like he was about to jump out of his skin. He had never felt anxiety as much anxiety before in his life, and he was so tempted to turn around and run back to his room just to avoid it all. He was not a confrontational person by nature, but he knew he had to do it. He paused as he reached the doors leading out to the courtyard and looked out the windows. His breath caught in his chest as he saw Zac, standing with his back to the door, looking down at his hands. Taylor knew exactly what he looked like without even being able to see his face, he could imagine the anxiety and the happiness on his face and all at once, Taylor pushed the door open and bounded out. Zac looked back at him and a bright smile took over his face.

His arms were wrapped around him before he could even realize he had kept moving, his face pressed to Zac’s. They stayed wrapped up in each other for a few moments. When he pulled back and looked into Zac’s eyes, every single doubt he had run through his mind in the past few weeks disappeared. Dr. Hooper didn’t know them, she didn’t know what they had been through, and honestly, she didn’t need to. What they had was theirs, and theirs alone – They were the only ones who needed to be on the same page, and as long as they were, Taylor knew he would follow Zac anywhere.


	23. Chapter 23

An hour wasn't enough time.

The only thing running through Zac’s mind as he waited for the cab to come pick him back up, sitting on a very uncomfortable bench outside of Taylor’s rehab center, was that an hour wasn’t enough after all of the hours he had spent away from Taylor. He couldn’t see him for another week, and the thought of hunkering down at the hotel he’d booked for the night for seven days, just waiting to be able to with him again crossed his mind. He thought better of it, knowing that Taylor would do nothing but chastise him if he locked himself in what was probably a dreary, not worth the money room just for him. 

When the cab finally pulled to the curb, Zac jumped off of the bench, pulling the door open and rattling off the hotels address to the driver. He rested his head against the headrest and sighed. He knew that this was best for Taylor - best for both of them in the long run - but it didn’t stop the bubbling angst inside of him at the thought of spending more time separated from one another. They’d just gotten done spending years apart, any more time felt like overkill to Zac, like some giant punishment he wasn’t sure that either of them deserved. 

Zac could count the number of people he couldn’t live without on one hand. Having one of them a plane ride away from him when he selfishly needed him to be sleeping next to him every night was beginning to take its toll on him, and the sixty minutes of having him near him again did nothing but make that longing worse. Zac’s fingers itched to be able to reach out and touch Taylor whenever he wanted to, nights of laying on that uncomfortable pull out sofa watching bad TV sounded so perfect, he wasn’t sure how he’d ever taken something so important for granted. 

The traffic was heavy and the cab was barely moving. Zac didn’t like to dwell on his sadness, he tried not to be the type of person who was overwhelmed with any type of internal angst, but it was bubbling out of him, making his head spin just a little bit. He turned to look out the cabs window, the sight of all of the other cars gridlocked around them making him lift an eyebrow. 

“Hey,” he leaned forward, wrapping his fingers around the headrest of the cab drivers seat. “Change of plans, can you take me to the airport?”

  
  


He’d thought about calling, texting, anything, but when he’d gotten to the airport the next flight out was just far enough away to get him through security and to the overpriced gift shop to buy a bottle of water and an eight dollar granola bar. Now, sitting on the dirty concrete of the sidewalk, his back pressed up against Piper’s building, he swore at himself, calling was probably important. 

The thought that she’d be at work, or out somewhere with her big city friends, had never crossed his mind, and now he had a dead phone and no idea when she’d be back. He’d rung the buzzer for her apartment several times to no answer and resigned himself to sitting there, looking like a total idiot, until she got back from wherever it was that she’d gone. 

Luckily for him, only six people had asked him for directions or cigarettes, despite the fact that he wasn’t then, nor had he ever, smoked. He wondered what it was about big cities that everyone seemed to just walk around asking everyone else for cigarettes all the time. He was beginning to toss around the idea of picking up a smoking habit, just to have something to do with his hands while he sat there and waited, and was thankful that halfway through his inner monologue about how it would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do, it would just be for now, just a distraction, he heard Piper’s voice, his name floating in the air followed by a question mark.

“Thank God,” he mumbled, pushing himself up off of the sidewalk.

“Thank Go-” Piper shook her head. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I just decided to get on a plane and come see you,” Zac shrugged, grinning. “What? You’re not happy to see me?”

“Of course I’m happy to see you, you idiot,” Piper laughed, suddenly throwing herself at him. Her purse swung around and slammed Zac in the back as her arms flung around him.

“Injuring me isn’t the best way to show it, you know.”

“Shut up!” She laughed again, letting him go and shaking her head again. “I can’t believe you didn’t call.”

Zac followed Piper to the door of the apartment building, watching as she unlocked the door and pulled it open.

“Phone died on the plane,” Zac followed her up the stairs stopping with her when she shoved another key into the lock of the first door on the right. “Bad planning, you know me.”

“I sure do,” Piper pushed the door open for Zac to walk into the apartment before her. “Excuse the mess, I have no time. Ever.”

“Big city life got you busy?”

“You have no idea,” Piper rolled her eyes, tossing her purse and keys down onto the counter. “Drop your bag wherever, and please, tell me what I owe this visit to.”

“So it’s good,” Piper said, her back resting against the arm of the couch across from the one Zac’s back was resting on, her legs were thrown across the couch, her feet in his lap. “Rehab sounds like it’s working for him, it sounds like he’s happy and learning to cope. So,” she lifted an eyebrow. “Why do _you_ seem like you could be happier right now?”

“It’s selfish,” Zac sighed, rubbing a hand over his forehead. “I can’t deal with him being away. I just feel like we’ve spent so much time apart already, and I feel lost without having him there.”

“That’s not selfish,” Piper shook her head, picking up her foot and nudging Zac’s thigh with her toes. “That’s love.”

“Yeah,” Zac grinned. “I guess you’re right.”

  
  


They’d spent the entire day just lounging around Piper’s apartment, chatting and eating and chatting some more. Zac had almost forgotten how at ease and himself he’d always been around her, she was truly his best friend and knowing that soon, he’d have to leave New York and go back to Tulsa where he’d be without her and Taylor, was enough to break his heart a little bit. 

“Maybe I’ll convince Tay to move here when he gets out,” Zac said in the middle of a Doctor Who episode that they were watching, still in their earlier positions on the couch.

“You don’t want to live here,” Piper shook her head, looking over at Zac and shoving a potato chip in her mouth. “It’s loud, all the time. It’s busy. You have to leave an hour and a half before you need to be somewhere because the subway is unstable and unpredictable. You’d hate it here.”

“But you’re here,” Zac shrugged. “I could deal with all of those things.”

“Wow,” Piper grinned. “This love thing is turning you all sappy on me.”

“Shut up,” Zac chuckled. “I mean it, though, I miss you. I’d gotten used to living in the midst of your messes and now-” the ringing of Zac’s phone on the coffee table interrupted him. He picked it up, a number he didn’t know flashing up at him. “This might be Taylor,” he grinned, hitting the accept call button and pressing it to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Zac,” Taylor’s voice came over the line, a smile breaking out on Zac’s face. 

“Hey,” he pushed Piper’s feet off his lap and stood up, walking towards her bedroom. “I was just thinking about you.”

“Yeah, uh,” Zac could hear something on Taylor’s end of the line shuffling, the sound coming through the phone loudly. He pushed Piper’s bedroom door shut and moved over to her bed, sitting down not he edge of it. “Look, we um. I had therapy after you left and I think-” Taylor’s voice was stilted and almost awkward, making Zac’s eyebrows draw together. “I think we need to talk about…about us.”

  
  
\---  
  


An hour wasn’t enough time. 

Taylor roamed the halls after his hour visit with Zac, and all he could think of was how one hour was not nearly enough time to spend with his… Zac, after not seeing him for six weeks. He wanted to take him to his room, to hold him in his arms, kiss his lips, make love to him, but one hour was not enough to do any those things. Taylor barely even got to the point where he could even look at Zac before it was time for him to go. He just couldn’t believe that he was there, and he was so beautiful, so much more than Taylor had ever remembered, and looking at him was like looking at the sun – It took some time to get used to him being there before he could see him clearly. And then time was up and he was gone. 

He had an individual appointment with Dr. Hooper, scheduled for after his visit with Zac on purpose, to check in on how things went, and how the talk they were supposed to have had ended up. Taylor snorted under his breath as he imagined how upset the doctor would be when he told her that not only did they not end things, but Taylor didn’t even begin to start talking to Zac about possibly separating. What did she know anyway? She knew what her books said, but she didn’t know Taylor and she sure as hell didn’t know Zac – How could she make such a big assumption about them when she didn’t know what she was even talking about?

He stopped outside of her door and knocked softly when the time came for his appointment. 

“Come in, Taylor.” Dr. Hooper’s voice rang softly behind the door and he pushed it open, giving her a tight smile as he entered the room and closed the door behind him. He got comfortable in the chair in front of her desk and folded his hands on his lap, squeezing them together anxiously. 

“So, you had your visit with your brother this morning – How did that go?” She had a small smile on her face, but Taylor wasn’t reassured of anything. Her smile almost made him uncomfortable, but maybe he was just projecting his own feelings on to her. 

“It went really well, actually. It was really good to see him.” He hoped if he kept his answers short, she wouldn’t ask him the questions he knew she was going to. 

“Did you talk to him about breaking things off between the two of you romantically?” Taylor cursed and looked down at his hands, not wanting to make eye contact, though he still felt her staring at him.  
“Not exactly.” He paused, trying to gather up exactly what he wanted to say, but then just let it all come out. “I didn’t bring it up at all, actually, because as soon as I saw him, I knew that you were wrong!” He raised his head to look at her and wasn’t surprised to find her still staring at him. “You think you know everything you need to know about us because of your books and college and whatever, but you don’t know us. We need each other, we love each other, and no amount of you telling me otherwise will convince me that it’s wrong!”

When he was done speaking, he realized just how worked up he had gotten – His chest was heaving and his hands had moved from his lap to the arms of his chair, squeezing them as though they were the only thing anchoring him to the ground. He loosened his grip and flexed his hands, wincing at the pain he felt. He avoided looking at Dr. Hooper for a few minutes, choosing instead to stare at the clock on the wall next to him. 

“Well that was passionate.” She finally broke the silence and he let out the breath he hadn’t really realized he’d been holding. “But tell me, Taylor, have you actually thought about what you’re doing to Zac with all of your behaviors?” Taylor rolled his eyes and shook his head. 

“You’re seriously never going to give up on this, are you? Look, like I already said, you don’t know me, and you don’t know him at all! You’ve never even seen him, what makes you think that you know him so well?” 

“Mr. Hanson, I’ve been doing this for over 30 years. I know you like to think I’m making broad generalizations about people because it’s how I get a paycheck, but the truth of the matter is that I’m doing this because I’m good at my job, and because I care about people. You are here because you need help, and you’ve chosen to stay despite your initial reluctances because you want to be better. I’m telling you that part of your own recovery is going to be letting your brother go. He has supported you through helping you get clean, and staying clean, right? And he’s how old, 22 years old? How well do you think he is actually taking this?” Tears streamed down Taylor’s face, he had tried to hold them in, but as soon as she started talking about Zac, he couldn’t stop them. 

“He says he’s fine.” He managed to get out through gritted teeth. He felt like he was going to be sick. 

“Hmmm, alright, he says he’s fine, but tell me, Taylor, how do you truly think he is doing?” Dr. Hooper leaned into her desk and folded her hands in front of her, keeping her voice even and face neutral. He hated her for being able to keep her composure so easily. He wanted to reply right away, to tell her that he believed Zac, that he thought Zac was perfectly happy with their arrangement, but then the more he thought about it, the louder the voice in the back of his head got. He always had raging insecurities about everything in his life, it was part of what had led him to choosing drugs, and now that he was being forced to acknowledge it, he was insecure about his relationship with Zac, too. 

“I want to believe him when he tells me this is what he wants.” He knew she was going to rip his words apart as soon as he said them, but he wanted to try to at least defend his position. 

“You want to believe him? So that means that you don’t quite believe him, is that right Taylor? And why do you think that is?” Taylor squeezed his eyes shut, trying to calm himself down, but nothing was working. 

“He would be better off without me in his life. He would be able to go off and have a normal relationship and have a normal job and live a normal life. One that doesn’t come with complications that involve being in a relationship with his brother.” The words came rushing out, though in a whisper, and his face flashed hot as he realized what he had said – His worst fear had finally been voiced. 

“Ahhh, see, so you’re not so far off the mark of what I’ve been thinking, now are you?” Dr. Hooper’s voice seemed so condescending and rude, Taylor just wanted to storm out of her office and never look back, but he couldn’t make his legs work. “I know you’re upset right now, I can see it written all over your body, but you have to realize, I’m doing this because it’s what’s best for you, and what’s best for your brother. If you love him as much as you say you do, you have to know that going down this path with him is just going to ruin him in the long term. Doesn’t he deserve a chance at happiness?” 

The alarm chimed from Dr. Hooper’s laptop telling them both that their session was over, and Taylor jumped, too caught up in their conversation to realize that their hour was up. He stood up and turned around, practically running out of the office before she could say anything else. He made it to his room and was relieved to see Dustin wasn’t there. He closed the door, even though it went against the rules (because closing a door when you’re alone means you’re obviously going to kill yourself, he thought bitterly), and collapsed on his bed. He buried his face in his pillow and let the tears come freely, trying to figure out what to do with the mess they’d created. 

  
  
\--  
  
It took a few hours, but finally Taylor was able to pull himself together enough to take a shower, knowing that the hot water would help ease his body aches at least. Once he was out, he managed to drag himself to dinner and eat a little bit, though the second he stood up, he felt like he was going to throw up – He had made up his mind about what he needed to do while crying to himself, and while he knew it was the right thing, he couldn’t help feeling like he was blowing up his whole life.

He made his way to the room where all of the phones were and tucked himself into a corner, wanting all of the privacy he could muster for the shit show of a phone call he was going to make. He knew he needed to try to get in everything he wanted to say before Zac could really say anything – Zac was also a martyr, and if he realized what Taylor was going to do before he even really did it, he would be talked out of it so fast, he wouldn’t realize what had happened until the phone call was over. 

Taylor took a few minutes to compose himself before taking a deep breath and picking up the phone. He punched in the long ago memorized number and waited for Zac to pick up. A large part of him really hoped that he wouldn’t, and maybe he would just never call him back and they could avoid the actual break up, but then of course Zac answered and Taylor felt his voice catch in his throat. 

“Hello?” Taylor felt tears well up in his eyes at the sound of Zac’s voice and he wanted to hang up, he didn’t have the strength to say all the things he needed to say. 

“Zac.” He only managed to get out his name before he felt his voice crack and a lump form in his throat. 

“Hey, I was just thinking about you!” Taylor closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. Zac sounded so happy, and he knew he was about to break him. He turned around in his seat so that he was facing the wall, not wanting anyone coming in to see him if, or rather, when, he started to cry in earnest.  
“Yeah, uh, look, we um. I had therapy after you left and I think –“ He broke off, holding back the sob he felt before it could come out. “I think we need to talk about… about us.” He heard Zac’s breath start to speed up, he was never one who was able to hold back his emotions, and he felt terrible for being the one to cause it. 

“Taylor, what’s going on? You don’t sound like yourself.” Taylor bit his lower lip and collected his thought as best he could before he started. 

“I-I think it’s probably best that we aren’t together anymore, Zac. I’ve thought about it a lot and –“ Zac cut him off. 

“Taylor, what are you talking about?! Where is this coming from? I don’t know why you’re doing this, but –“ Taylor started speaking over him. 

“Zac, STOP!” His voice came out a lot louder than he meant for it to, but he knew it was necessary if he was going to get his brother to listen to him. “Please, stop talking and just listen to me, okay? I love you, so fucking much, but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I really just think it’s probably best if you and I, if we aren’t an us anymore.” He heard Zac take a deep breath, as though to speak, but he continued on. “Our relationship is so unhealthy and so toxic, I can’t be the one holding you back from your life. Ever since I came back into it, all your life has been is chaos and messy and so stupid and that’s all my fault!” He pressed his hand to his chest, hoping Zac could feel all of the emotion he was pouring into his speech. “I’m your older brother, and I never should have let this start to begin with. You have your whole life ahead of you, and I want so many great things for you, Zac, I want you to get married and have kids and have a great career and I want you to be happy.” He had to take a breath, though it didn’t help the tears that formed in his eyes go away.

“I want you to be happy, Zac, and I know you’ll never be happy with me. You need to be on your own, and I need to be the one to push you to do that. I have to stop being selfish, and you need to do what’s best for you, okay?” He fully expected Zac to start talking, to try to talk him out of it, but silence just rang through from the other end. Tears fell down his face and he wiped at his cheeks with the sleeves of his shirt, angry that he couldn’t hold himself together. “I love you, Zac, and I really hope that one day, you’ll see that this was for the best.” He waited another beat, but when the other side was still silent, he just placed the phone back on the cradle in front of him before bursting into tears, feeling more broken than he had ever felt in his life.


	24. Chapter 24

Everything was that weird kind of volume where it sounds like your head is underwater and everything is cloudy and muted but impossibly loud. Zac dropped his phone to the bed suddenly, as if it were too hot inside of his hand, the wallpaper photo of him and Taylor at the park screaming up at him. He swatted at the phone so it would flip over on the bed and shook his head. _What the hell just happened?_

It had to be some kind of a joke, there was no way that Taylor would - what, _leave_ him? It had to be some kind of a mistake. Zac reached for the phone again, bringing up his recent call log and calling Taylor’s rehab center back. It rang a little too long, Zac sighing into the phone, just about to hang up, when a cheery woman's voice finally came over the line.

“New Found Hope, Arkansas.”

“Um, yeah. Hi. Can I speak to Taylor? Uh - Hanson, Taylor Hanson?”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Hanson asked that his calls be held right now, can I take a message?”

“What?” Zac spat, squinting his eyes. “Can you just…if you tell him that it’s, uh - his brother, tell him it’s his brother and he’ll take the call.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” the woman’s voice was still cheery, but a bit more stern now. “He said all calls. If you just leave a message, I can-”

“Forget it,” Zac groaned, pulling the phone from his ear and stabbing the end call button. He tossed it back onto the bed and then let his body drop so that he was on his back, his palms pressing against his eyes. 

He wasn’t sure how long he laid there, staring up at the ceiling, every minute of the hour he’d spent with Taylor running through his mind. Had he done something? Was it something that he’d said? He couldn’t imagine a reason for this sudden change, and knowing that he couldn’t call Taylor, and he certainly couldn’t just show up at his door, he had no idea how to even begin to try to figure it out or fix the problem. He hadn’t even been aware there had _been_ a problem. How could he be so oblivious? The time must have been ticking by, though, because Zac heard a light tapping on the door and then he felt the bed dip down next to him followed by Piper’s fingers brushing his hair out of his face.

“You okay?” She asked quietly. “You’ve been in here for a while.”

“How long?”

“Over an hour,” she lowered herself onto her back next to him. “What’s wrong? Everything okay with Taylor?”

“He broke up with me,” Zac mumbled, bringing a hand up to his head. Suddenly is was throbbing, as if someone were inside of his forehead trying to break their way out. 

“He did what?” Zac could hear the height to which her eyebrows had risen on her face through her voice, and he almost laughed about it, but he realized that right then, he didn’t know how to.

“He broke up with me,” he repeated. “He said it was for the best…for me, whatever that means.”

“Maybe he just thinks it’ll make him being away easier.”

“And he decided this after seeing me for the first time in weeks? I obviously did something, I just wish I knew what it was.”

“Look,” Piper sighed. Zac felt her roll on to her side facing him. She put a finger on his cheek and pushed his head so he was looking at her. “I obviously don’t know Taylor as well as you do, but he seems like a - how do I say this? Very _complicated_ person. He’s going through a lot right now, being in rehab and trying to fix his problems, maybe he’s just confused and in his head and he needs some time to figure his shit out.”

“He can’t do that with me? I thought the deal was that we were going to figure his shit out together, figure all of our shit out together.”

“Do you want me to figure it out? I’ll go there, I’ll march right in and demand he see me and then I’ll let him have it. Don’t think I won’t.”

Zac shook his head, a small grin growing on his face at the sparkle in Piper’s eye while she spoke. She was always there for him, he’d missed her.

“Honestly, right now, all I want is to get some sleep.”

“Okay,” she said, nodding and rolling back onto her back, pulling the blanket up over them. “Then we sleep.”

 

—

 

Zac woke up before Piper, the sounds of the morning commute outside mixed with the sunlight streaming warmly through the bedroom windows pulling him out of a deeper sleep than he’d expected to fall into.

He lifted himself off the bed and made his way to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water before heading to the bathroom. When he came out, Piper was standing at the kitchen counter, brewing a pot of coffee. She looked up at him and smiled, her messy bed head hair piled into a bun on the top of her head.

“Sleep okay?”

“Yeah,” he smiled. “Better than expected.”

“So, whats your plan? I mean, if you even have a plan. I don’t know if you’ve thought about it.”

“Honestly? I can’t stomach the thought of going back home tonight and being in that basement. I, uh-” he ran a hand through his hair and looked at the floor. “Do you mind if I stay? For a while?”

“What about your job? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would love to have you here but-”

“It’s just a job. I’m not that worried,” he shrugged. “I only have the clothes in my backpack, but I have some money. I can go get some new ones. I really don’t want to go home, Piper.”

She looked at him for a little while, as if she were studying him, then she plucked a coffee mug from the dish rack and nodded.

“Yeah, of course. You can stay for as long as you want.”

Zac walked over to where Piper was standing and wrapped her in a hug, “you’re an angel, you know that, right?”

“Yeah,” she laughed softly. “I know.”

 

—

 

The days poured into each other, one after the other, and before Zac knew it he’d been living with Piper for a month and a half, the two of them resuming their normal roommate behavior without so much as a hiccup. 

A week and a half into Zac’s camp out on Piper’s couch she’d gently reminded him that he had a job, and probably they were wondering when he’d be returning, so he’d called them and let them know that something had come up and he wasn’t sure when he’d be back in Tulsa. He guessed that it spoke to his work ethic that they’d basically told him they’d gladly hire him back on whenever he did find himself back in town, a small voice in the back of his mind whispering to him that without Taylor, he didn’t see any instance that would propel him _to_ return. 

A week later he’d called Natalie and explained everything to her, apologizing for dodging her calls to him. As always, she was the picture of understanding, agreeing to box up some of the things he needed and ship them to him with the promise of him sending along some money to pay her back. 

Probably tired of not being able to use her own couch most of the time with Zac’s newly screwy sleeping schedule, somewhere around the third week Piper had emerged from her bedroom one early afternoon, dressed very similarly to the You Can Do It! Poster woman, one hand on her hip, and ordered Zac off the couch. She’d had him in her spare, turned storage room for hours, clearing it out and cleaning it. They’d gone to Ikea and gotten Zac a futon bed, a nightstand and a couple of lamps. “You live here now,” Piper had shrugged as they were setting up the nearly closet sized room, “you might as well be comfortable.”

He hadn’t realized he’d lived there now until she’d said the words, but the knowledge settled in on him right in that moment that she was right. There wasn’t anything left in Tulsa for him, and he never wanted to go back. 

One evening short of six weeks since Piper had found him sitting on the sidewalk outside of her building, Zac was sitting crosslegged on the floor of his bedroom, his back against the edge of his futon, a sketch pad balanced on his leg. He’d figured that maybe some creative therapy would help keep him hurdling down the road to learning to how to live with the new turns his life had taken. He’d gotten to the point where he wasn’t moping around the apartment during the little time he was actually awake anymore. He wasn’t calling Natalie four times a day asking and hoping for any update on Taylor, and when he did check in with her, the pain at the fact that Taylor was talking to everyone but him wasn’t akin to being slammed with a wrecking ball square in the chest. 

But, Zac was violently aware of the fact that by this time the next day Taylor would be stepping out of rehab and going back to his normal life, except he’d be doing it without Zac. He _wanted_ to be doing it without Zac, and so that day was almost like taking a trip back in time to six weeks later, back to when Zac was sure he’d never leave his spot on Piper’s couch again, never smile or laugh. He didn’t want to be in that spot, if Taylor wanted to play out the rest of his life without Zac by his side, then that’s what Zac wanted for him - he just wished it didn’t hurt so damn bad. 

That day, just as Zac had pressed pencil to paper, the door of his room was thrown open with such force that Zac was almost sure that when he looked up he’d see a burglar standing there, maybe with a gun pointed at him, ready to take all of the belongings that he didn’t really even have. 

“Get dressed!” Piper clapped her hands together, breezing into the room and plucking the sketch pad off of his leg. “How long have you been staring at this blank page?”

“Not long,” Zac rolled his eyes up at Piper from his spot on the floor.

“Come on,” she grabbed his elbow and pulled him up from the floor. “Put on something decent, we’re going out.”

“What?” He cocked an eyebrow at her and then shook his head. “I don’t want to go out.”

“You’ve been locked in this apartment for six weeks, and I’ve been letting you do it, but I will be damned if I allow you to turn into a hermit because of some dude,” she walked over to his closet and pulled out a pair of jeans and a button down shirt and then turned back to him and tossed them at him one at a time. “Put these on. You can do it willingly, or I can forcefully dress you and drag you through the streets of Manhattan, but it’ll likely be easier if you just go along with it.”

“Where are we even going?” He sighed, looking down at the clothes in his arms. The sweatpants and holy t-shirt he was currently wearing seemed much more appealing, but he knew that she was right. He might as well not try to fight it, she’d get her way in the end

“A bar, the way normal 20-somethings who live in the city do,” she turned for the door, stopping with her hand on the knob. “And wear your hair down, I’m sick of that stupid ponytail.”

 

 

 

Two hours and a couple of beers later, Zac found himself sitting at a small round table at a bar in Chelsea, Piper occupying the chair to his right, her friend Destiny in the chair next to her. Zac found himself wondering what decision making process leads a mother to name her newborn child something like Destiny, and then instantly chastised himself for being so rude, even if just inside of his own head. The chair between Zac and Destiny was empty, and he couldn’t help but think that saddling a guy at a table with two girls chatting happily about how hot the new hire at their workplace was was exactly the thing not to do to cheer him up, when suddenly both Piper and Destiny let out a cheer, hopping out of their seats and throwing their arms around a tall, tan, brunette man who had approached the table.

“Zac!” Piper smiled, turning to him and then motioning at the man. “This is Paul! Paul, my best friend Zac!”

“Hey Zac,” the man flashed him a set of way too white teeth. _Fake,_ Zac thought, sticking his hand out to shake the other mans. _And Paul, what a boring name._

“Nice to meet you,” Zac smiled halfheartedly, looking down into his almost empty beer bottle. _What’s with your judgement of names tonight?_ He thought to himself as Paul settled his tall frame into the chair next to him. 

 

About an hour into Paul’s arrival it had become glaringly obvious to Zac that this was a set up. He seemed to be the only one who wasn’t in on the plan, judging by the way Piper and Destiny were moving their eyes between Zac and Paul all googley-eye’d and excited, or the way that Paul’s sole focus was on Zac and asking him every question a person could think to ask a guy they were trying to get to know. Zac found himself letting out a sigh of relief when Paul and Destiny headed to the bar to get the table another round. He watched them walk away long enough to ensure they were out of ear range and then turned on Piper, his hands flat on the table, leaning towards her.

“What the _hell_ , Pipes?”

“What?” She looked over at him innocently.

“This is a set up,” he hissed. “You couldn’t be more obvious about it if you carried a neon sign around with you!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Piper leaned back against the back of her chair, lifting her drink to her mouth and draining the remainder of it. 

“I can’t believe you,” Zac shook his head, sliding off of his chair and taking a step towards her. “I’m going home, I don’t want this…I don’t want anything to do with this.”

“Come on,” Piper leaned forward again, putting her hand on Zac’s arm. “Just stay, see if you like him. You know what they say,” she wiggled her eyebrows at him and mock whispered. “The best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else.”

“Wow,” Zac raised an eyebrow, a small hint of amusement in his eye. “New York is turning you into a fucking cliche.”

Piper opened her mouth to retort, but before she could, Destiny and Paul returned, Paul stopping next to Zac, his white teeth on full display as he held out a fresh beer. Their fingers brushed as Zac took the nearly dripping bottle from him and Zac didn’t miss the way that made the corner of Paul’s mouth tilt upwards even more. He wasn’t used to anyone who wasn’t Taylor looking at him like that, the slight feeling of butterflies in his stomach annoying him slightly.

“Thanks,” Zac tried to smile back at Paul, but he was sure it came out as more of a grimace. 

“No problem,” Paul moved past Zac on the way back to his chair, his hand brushing over Zac’s lower back just slightly on his way by. Zac’s eyes fluttered shut just briefly and when he opened them again they met Piper’s. She nodded her head once and smiled, her eyes flitting back to Zac’s empty chair. 

“Just give it a shot,” she said quietly. “You never know.”

 

 

He was overheating. The first thought that passed through Zac’s mind the next morning was that he was hot. He could feel that his skin was covered in a layer of sweat, the blanket on his bed tangled around his legs. He kicked his legs free of their prison, slowly opening his eyes and groaning, his head feeling a bit like it were stuck inside of a vice grip that was tightened just a little bit too much. 

“What the hell,” he muttered, rubbing his eyes and pushing himself into a sitting position. He couldn’t remember ever waking up feeling this bad, he couldn’t even remember how much he’d drank the night before, but all evidence pointed to too much. 

He was just about to peel himself off the bed when he felt it shift next to him, his eyes popping fully open and his body freezing. Suddenly he was very aware of the fact that he was completely naked - not a single stitch of clothing on his body - and he pulled the blanket quickly back up to his waist.

_Jesus. Christ._ He thought as he slowly turned his head towards the movement on the bed, his eyes locking with one opened deep brown eye.

“Oh God,” he mumbled, blinking a couple of times. 

“Morning,” the man - Paul, Zac knew his name was Paul - said, voice raspy.

“I - uh -” Zac shook his head, watching as Paul turned his head a little, his other eye opening. His hair was a mess and as far as Zac could tell, he was also naked, at least from the waist up. “Did we…” Zac trailed off, turning his head so he was looking straight ahead. “Um. You know?”

“No,” Paul said, and Zac could feel him push himself into a seated position. “I mean, we almost did, but you-”

“Oh God,” Zac said again, closing his eyes. Suddenly there were flashes of the night before moving through his mind. Four hands moving over skin, shedding clothes. Lips crushed together, Zac sitting down on the end of the bed, his arms holding his body up as Paul moved down him, his mouth wrapping around -

“You said you weren’t ready,” Paul broke his thoughts and Zac tried really hard to look back over at him, but he couldn’t. “And you were really drunk. Like, _really_ drunk. We stopped and we just went to sleep.”

Zac closed his eyes again, the memory of him putting his hands on Paul’s shoulders, telling him he really wanted to, he just couldn’t, arising in his mind. He’d told him about Taylor, about his heart being broken. Paul had understood, brushed his hair aside and tucked him in. 

“Thank you,” Zac said quietly, finally looking back at Paul. He was sitting up on the edge of the bed, facing the wall and pulling his shirt over his head. He stood and pulled his pants on, turning to smile at Zac.

“It was fun anyway,” he slid his feet into his shoes and walked around the bed, stopping in front of Zac. “We should hang out again.”

“Yeah,” Zac nodded, surprising himself with how much he suddenly liked the idea. “We should.”

“I’ve gotta run but I have a couple days off coming up. I’ll get your number from Piper.”

Zac nodded again, rubbing a hand over his face. Paul said goodbye, slipping out of the room. Zac stared at the closed door for a few seconds, massaging the ache in his temples.

Maybe he could do this. He could move on, if he tried. 

 

 

—

 

 

 

The days after Taylor broke up with Zac were a blur. He went through all of the motions he needed to go through in order to make everyone think he was doing what he needed to be doing, but inside, he felt like he was dying. After the six week mark, he was reduced down to two individual sessions a week with Dr. Hooper, so luckily, he didn’t have to see her for a few days following his decision. He could barely eat, though he knew he was being stupid – He was the one who had decided to end things, why was he being so stupid about all of it? It was for Zac’s own good, someone had to look out for him, because he certainly wouldn’t, and as much as he was hurting, Taylor knew that, in the long run, this would be for the best. For the both of them.  
   
The next weekend, Taylor was surprised by a visit from Natalie. He had called her a couple of times since Zac had visited and they’d been able to build up more of a friendship than he had really ever hoped or expected. Things were a little bit weird at first, they stuck mostly to talking about Ezra and how he was adjusting to school in Tulsa, but eventually, they started talking about their thoughts and feelings and actually getting to know each other again. Talking to her was so easy, she made him laugh when he felt like crying, and she made him remember that he couldn’t give up, no matter how much he wanted to. When they were on the phone, her voice in his ear, it was so easy to remember why he had fallen in love with her all those years ago – He knew he was probably being stupid, how could it be love when they’d only known each other for a week, but hell, he was a romantic, and he really did think it was possible. Love at first sight was a troupe written about for thousands and thousands of years, right? The more they talked, the more he wished he could be at home, with her and Ezra.  
   
And Zac.  
   
The thought of his brother continued to break his heart. He wanted more than anything to pick up the phone and call his brother, to tell him he didn’t mean it, that he loved him so much and he wanted to be selfish, he wanted to be together. In his first session with Dr. Hooper after breaking it off with Zac, he had told her as much and she had just sighed and looked down at the notes she was making in front of her.  
   
“Taylor, you’ve made such an important step in your recovery! No matter what you actually think, you and Zac had an extremely toxic relationship. You were co-dependent and he was single handedly responsible for keeping you sober. Do you know how hard that is on a person?” Taylor wanted to fight her, but he knew she was right. It wasn’t fair that Zac, his little brother with no experience with drug dependency and drug users, was the one helping him get through everything. Instead, he just nodded his head in agreement and kept his head low, trying to keep himself from crying.  
   
Nights were the worst. He was pretty sure Dustin was going to straight up kill him by smothering him with his pillow in order to stop the crying. He tried really hard to keep quiet, but sniffling and tossing and turning made enough noise that he heard Dustin’s mad sighs throughout the night. He got up as soon as he was allowed to and started to mainline coffee, trying to keep his eyes open long enough to make it through the first few lonely hours of the day. His group therapy sessions were probably the only things that made his days worthwhile – Being able to focus on other people and their problems helped Taylor to get out of his own head and he felt as though he got more therapy out of talking to and potentially helping others than anything else in rehab.  
   
\--  
   
When it was finally time to leave rehab, Taylor was equal parts excited and terrified. Even though he had gone to rehab clean, he was still scared that he was going to encounter something in real life that would cause him to want to turn back to drugs in order to deal. Realistically, he knew he needed to make sure he didn’t get himself into situations where he **would** want to have access to drugs, but emotionally, he sometimes felt like if he walked outside of the house in Tulsa, he could trip and fall and a bunch of pills would fall into his mouth, rendering everything he had fought for useless.  
   
The flight back to Tulsa was short, he barely had time to start hyperventilating before the plane was already descending. He knew from talking to Natalie that she and Ezra would be waiting for him at the airport, along with his parents, but she didn’t mention Zac. They made a point not to talk about him, it would make it so much harder, he knew, if he knew how good Zac was doing without him, and he just needed to have time to try to heal before being face to face with his brother again. As he gathered his belongings and made his way off the plane, he started breathing faster than necessary and he felt himself start to sweat. Zac was waiting for him, just an airport away, and he didn’t know how to react. As he walked through the doors to baggage claim, he couldn’t help but look around the room to see if his family was there. He had barely spotted his parents before he felt a heavy weight crash into his thighs. He looked down and a huge grin took over his face as he realized Ezra, _his son_ , had broken away from Natalie and run to him. He dropped his backpack and sank to his knees, wrapping his arms around Ezra like he had been away for his entire life – In a way, he really had been.  
   
“Daddy, I’m so glad you’re home, I missed you so much!” Ezra started talking a mile a minute, clearly he had been waiting for Taylor to return for a long time. “Mommy helped me make a countdown calendar that showed me when you would come home and guess what?!” He pulled back from his father and looked into his eyes, a smile taking over his face.  
   
“What?” Taylor mirrored his look as he got up from the ground and grabbed his backpack.  
   
“Today was the day you came home! And here you are!” He threw his hands up in the air and cheered, causing almost everyone in baggage claim to look at them. Taylor felt his face flush, but he couldn’t bring himself to reprimand Ezra - He was allowed to be happy, dammit. Taylor took his hand and walked over to his parents and Natalie, wrapping his arms around them each in turn. When he got to Natalie, he squeezed her extra hard. When he pulled back and looked into her eyes, she frowned slightly and shook her head, giving him an answer to the question he couldn’t bring himself to ask.  
   
Zac hadn’t come to the airport to pick him up.  
   
His chest felt as though it was going to cave in from the pain he was feeling. He shouldn’t have been surprised and he knew it, but a large part of him had really thought that Zac would show up to welcome him home, to show support for having completed an important milestone in his recovery. Even if they weren’t together romantically anymore, Zac was still his brother, his family, and family stuck together… Right?  
   
“Daddy, why are you sad?” He felt a tugging on his hand and looked down at the little boy who looked like the perfect mix between himself and Natalie. He wanted to lie, to tell his son that he was fine, but lying to a five year old felt like something the old Taylor would do. Not only that, but this was his child, and he didn’t want to teach him that he couldn’t be open about his emotions – If anything, he should wear them loud and proud so that if he was ever feeling bad, he didn’t have to suffer alone.  
   
“I just miss your Uncle Zac, Ez. I thought he would be here, but I guess we’ll see him at home.”  
   
“I miss Uncle Zac, too.” Ezra frowned and tears clouded his eyes, surprising Taylor. “I haven’t seen him in such a long time, do you know when he’s coming home?” Taylor picked Ezra up and wrapped his arms around him, trying to comfort him while also giving his parents a questioning look.  
   
“Zac went to New York to visit Piper.” Diana spoke up, her voice quiet. “He went after he visited you, he said he was only going to be staying for a little while, but then, well…” She trailed off and looked up at Walker, unsure what else to say.  
   
“He said he’s enjoying New York City a lot more than he thought he would.” Walker spoke quickly. “He didn't get too specific, but he said he needed some time away."  
Taylor’s heart sank as he let his father’s words sink in. Zac was in New York? Not only had he not come to the airport to welcome Taylor home, but he wasn’t even in the same damn state? He immediately reached for his phone, but stopped before it was even in his hand – This is what he wanted. He wanted Zac to have a life and move on and live, and if being in New York with his best friend for a little while was what he needed to do… Then so be it. 

Being home felt weird. He felt as though he was stepping into another life, like he was leaving real life and entering a TV show. He recognized everything in the home as being his, but he felt out of place and like an imposter. When he lugged his bag down to the basement, he threw it at the end of the couch and sat down heavily, feeling emotionally drained. He looked around the room and tried to make himself feel more at home, but slowly, as his eyes wandered, he noticed lots of things missing. Not anything big, and probably not anything that his parents would even notice missing, but he did. Bookshelves laid half empty and there were gaps in the shoes lined up against the back wall, near his bedroom. His heart started racing as he got up from the couch and approached his room to look in the closet. Months ago, he and Zac had figured since they were sharing space anyway, they might as well share a closet, too. He stood in front of the closed door, his hand on the handle, and said a quick prayer that he wouldn’t find what he thought he would behind the door. 

Empty hangers took over the left side of the closet. Taylor’s breath caught in his throat as he stepped inside and ran a hand over them, trying to will clothes to still be hanging there. Lack of clothes meant Zac was gone for good. There was no way he would have moved to New York without Taylor breaking up with him, and he felt awful for driving Zac out of his home. Not only that, but it didn’t even feel like _his_ home anymore, not with Zac gone. He was tempted to drop to the closet floor and cry, but he knew he needed to try to be strong. He couldn’t give in every single time his emotions got the best of him or he would end up turning back to drugs to manage the pain, he just knew it. So instead, he went to the shower and turned it on as hot as he could stand and tried to wash the pain away. 

Natalie showed up in the basement that night, already dressed for bed. Taylor had pulled out the sofa bed, having felt claustrophobic trying to sleep in the bed in his room. Apparently he had gotten used to sleeping in a larger room while in rehab. He was on his laptop, just staring at the screen, when she came down. He closed the lid and slid it to the ground, it wasn’t like he had even been doing anything on it in the first place. 

“Hey.” He tried to smile with his greeting, but couldn’t force one to show up. 

“Hey yourself.” She stood next to the sofa before he patted the empty space next to him and she sat down with him. “How’re you feeling?” 

“Like shit.” He looked down at his hands and shrugged. “I feel like I ran him out of his own house.” Natalie reached over and placed a hand over his before giving them a squeeze. 

“Sometimes we just need space. He might come back, it sounds like he just needs a breather, ya know?” Taylor looked up at her and gave her a sharp look. 

“What do you mean, it sounds like he just needs a breather? Have you talked to him?” Natalie’s face turned red and she took her hand away from him, but to her credit, she didn’t lie. 

“I’m allowed to talk to whomever I want to, Taylor. And yes, we talk almost every day. Ezra and him really bonded while you were gone, and he asks to talk to him all the time.” Taylor sighed and let his gaze fall again. 

“I know, you’re right. I’m sorry, I’m just really on edge and I miss him, ya know?” 

“Yeah, I know.” Natalie paused, leaving a silence that told Taylor she had more to say. He looked up at her and waited, not wanting to interrupt. “I know, Taylor. About you and Zac. About all of it.” She bit her lip before shifting so that she was laying down on the bed. 

“He told you?” He couldn’t believe that Zac would do something so reckless, what if she had decided to take Ezra away? How could he do something so stupid?! 

“Yeah, he did. He was having a really hard time with you gone, Tay, and he needed someone to talk to.” She looked over as him and brought her hand to his again. “I’ll admit, I didn’t take it very well at first, I kind of avoided talking to him for a while, actually, but then I remembered how the two of you are around each other, and how happy you were, and it made me realize that while unconventional, I couldn’t fault you for falling in love.” 

They lay in silence for a while, probably not as long as Taylor felt they did, but he didn’t know how to respond to what she had confessed. 

“I broke up with him for him, Nat. He couldn’t see how I was dragging him down.” He saw Natalie shake her head from the side of his eye and went to keep talking, but she cut him off.

“You don’t drag people down, Taylor. I know we haven’t known each other for long, and I know I didn’t know you while you were using, but you bring light into everyone’s lives. I don’t know how you don’t see it, honestly. Zac lights up when you walk into the room, Ezra couldn’t be more ecstatic to hear your voice. Your parents smile and gravitate toward you, when you let them.” Taylor closed his eyes as tears formed in his eyes, he wasn’t used to hearing the good things about himself. “You’ve spent so long hating yourself, and I know it’s hard, but when you look in the mirror, you’ve got to see at least a little bit of good.” 

“I don’t think I do.” He confessed, speaking against the lump in his throat. “I don’t even want to deal with me, why would other people willingly choose to do that?” 

“Oh sweetie.” He felt the bed shift under him and then all of a sudden, arms were wrapped around his waist and Natalie’s head was laying on his shoulder. “I wish you could see you the way other people see you. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for.” Taylor wanted to respond, to argue against her, but the tears overtook his body and before he knew it, he was sobbing in her arms. She pressed her lips to his forehead and ran her fingers through his hair until he calmed down. 

“Will you stay tonight?” He whispered, his voice still shaky from the tears. 

“Of course. I’m always here for you.” 

\--

Taylor spent most of the next day with Natalie and Ezra. Ezra woke his parents up by jumping on the bed between them, calling for them to wake up and come make him some breakfast. They chased him upstairs and Taylor shooed them to the kitchen table as he made a full breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast, grits, and pancakes. Walker and Diana made an appearance and seemed shocked to see him up and about. While they ate, Taylor looked around the table and tried to be happy, tried to remember that the people around him were there for him and loved him, but then his eyes landed on Zac’s empty chair, and the hole in his heart ached. 

By the time the sun set, Taylor was itching to get out of the house. He had only been home for 24 hours, but he felt like he was confined to a jail cell. Sure, he was in one building while in rehab, but it was huge, and he saw a lot of people every day, too. He thought his way through town, trying to figure out where to go that he wouldn’t run into any of his old drug buddies, and finally, he thought of just the place. He hadn’t been to Club Majestic in a good long while, and while he was at it… He was pretty sure Adam would still be hanging around, and if Adam was hanging around… Maybe they could re-live some of the moments from their good old days. After all, if Zac was moving to another state to get over him, he had every right to try to move on, too, right? 

One hour, a tight white shirt, and a pair of the tightest jeans he owned later, Taylor walked into Club Majestic and felt immediately out of place. He couldn’t remember a time he had walked in sober, and it felt very… Odd. The music was pulsing and the people were dancing, everything was as he remembered it would be, but he was having another moment where he felt like he was walking into a TV show and not actually living his life. Trying to relieve the anxiety building inside of him, he walked to the bar and ordered a water. As he took a sip from the glass, he felt a pair of hands land on his back and he jumped a little before turning around. 

“well, well, well, what do we have here?” Adam broke out into a grin similar to that of a cat stalking its prey, and Taylor tried to smile. Adam was the reason he was even at the club, after all, shouldn’t he be happy he was so easy to find? “I’ve missed you around here, where’ve you been?” 

“I’ve been around.” Taylor leaned back into the bar as Adam encroached on his personal space. He tried to like it, he really wanted to, but everything about it just felt wrong. 

“I’ve missed you.” Adam leaned in and whispered into his ear. Taylor let his eyes close and he shivered in spite of himself. If he kept his eyes closed, he could pretend he was with the person he wanted to be with. “Wanna join me in the bathroom to see how much?” Taylor nodded as he opened his eyes and set his water down on the bar behind him.   
Adam wasted no time in getting them into the same familiar stall and pressed Taylor’s back against it. He went to kiss him, but Taylor moved his head at the last second, causing Adam’s lips to land on his cheek. 

“Is that how it’s gonna be?” Adam growled before backing away from Taylor and leaning against the wall of the stall opposite him. He brought his hands to his belt and started undoing it before working on his jeans. “Show me how much you’ve missed me.” Taylor had to hold himself back from rolling his eyes, when had he even ever actually found Adam attractive? And was he always that damn bossy? He wanted to punch the guy, in all honesty, but then he also wanted to get over Zac, so maybe…

He sank to his knees in from of Adam and pulled his jeans down. The bulge under the boxers in front of his face should have made him excited, he knew it had made him excited before, he had given Adam a blow job in _that very stall_ before! Why was the idea of it making him want to throw up? 

He looked up at Adam and grimaced at the smile he was giving him. It felt predatory, almost violent, and all at once, Taylor had had enough. 

“What the fuck am I even doing?!” He got to his feet and ran his hands through his hair. 

“Uh, you were about to suck my dick.” Adam looked down at the bulge and back up at Taylor. “Care to get on with it?” Taylor shook his head and backed away from the other man. 

“No. I can’t fucking do this. I-I’ve gotta go.” He turned around and fumbled with the lock on the bathroom door for a minute before getting it open. He knew exactly where he needed to be.


	25. Chapter 25

Zac felt like he was two people squashed into one. Zac A was still reeling from the loss of Taylor, thinking about him when he laid down in bed at night, not being able to get the sound of those last words Taylor had said to him out of his head, while Zac B was growing to love the new life he was building in New York. He was sitting in the way too packed subway on his way to meet Paul at some trendy restaurant in Brooklyn, thinking over the past two days since he’d woken up with Paul in his bed. He’d gone out more, even putting in a few job applications. He’d spent the evening before at a cute little art gallery with Piper and her friends and even accepted at the end of the night when Paul asked him if he’d like to grab drinks. 

That was how he found himself on the subway, a place he’d quickly decided he didn’t really enjoy being. But, it was leading him to, at the least, making a new friend in a new city where he thought he could see maybe starting a new life, so he decided that he couldn’t complain all that much. 

When he’d finally stepped off the subway train and squeezed himself through the hoards of bodies who were apparently also going to the exact neighborhood in Brooklyn that he was, he opened his phone to check the address of the restaurant again, opening his GPS and heading toward the direction it told him to go to. When he finally found the restaurant, he pushed the door open, his eyes instantly falling on Paul sitting at the corner of the long wooden bar. They locked eyes and Paul smiled, standing from his seat and waiting for Zac to walk over to him.

“Hey,” Paul pulled the stool next to his out and motioned for Zac to sit down. “It’s good to see you again.”

“With clothes on this time, even,” Zac grinned and then wanted to slap himself. Maybe the first time hanging out wasn’t the time for those kind of jokes.

But Paul just crinkled up his nose and laughed, making all of Zac’s reservations somehow fly away. 

Maybe this could be okay.

 

—

Zac had never really experienced the whole ‘time flies when you’re having fun,’ thing until he pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time, only to find it dead. Paul, who also seemed surprised by how much time had passed, informed him that it was five minutes to midnight. 

“Wasn’t it just eight o’clock ten minutes ago?” Zac grinned, pouring the last sip of his beer into his mouth.

“Pretty sure it was,” Paul laughed, setting his own empty glass down on the bar. 

“I should get home,” Zac stretched his arms above his head. “Scored myself a job interview tomorrow.”

“That’s great,” Paul smiled, standing from his chair. “Well, let’s get you out of here then.”

Paul waved the bartender over, insisting on paying the whole bill despite Zac’s protests. Once that was taken care of, they walked out of the restaurant and onto the sidewalk, heading towards the subway station.

“So,” Paul turned to Zac once they reached the stairs to the station. “You think we could do this again sometime?”

“Yeah,” Zac grinned. “I’d really like that.”

“Awesome,” Paul was practically beaming, his smile lighting up his entire face. “That guy was an idiot to let you go, by the way.”

Zac had filled Paul in on why he had found himself suddenly living in New York, explaining about the boyfriend who he’d been ready to spend the rest of his life with who had then turned around and broken his heart. Of course, he left out the bit about just who that guy was, telling the guy you’re on a bit of a first date with that you’ve been dating your brother was probably a mood killer. 

“Yeah, well,” Zac kicked at a wide crack in the sidewalk. “I guess he doesn’t feel that way.”

“Lucky me,” Paul grinned, taking a step towards Zac. “Feel free to push me off if this is presumptuous,” he waited a beat and then leaned forward, pressing his lips against Zac’s. 

Time stood still for a few beats, Zac’s eyes opened wide, a voice in his head screaming at him, demanding to know what he was doing. But, then Paul’s lips moved just slightly and Zac’s eyes fluttered shut, his hands sliding around Paul’s waist just as Paul’s hand landed on his jaw. 

It wasn’t like kissing Taylor. It was softer, a bit sloppier - but in a nice way. Paul took another step into Zac, closing the gap in between them and Zac sighed at how nice the contact was. He didn’t realize how much he’d been craving the touch of another person until it was right there, happening in the middle of the sidewalk, but his body was reacting in ways beyond his control, his jeans tightening a little bit as Paul deepened the kiss.

Zac’s head was swirling when he pulled his head back, smiling as Paul opened his eyes.

“How do you feel about coming home with me?”

 

—

 

Zac didn’t realize how hard it would be to unlock a door while a hot guy had his hands all over you and his tongue was sliding up your neck, but it proved to be one of the more difficult things he’d ever done. By the time he got the door open he was sure that if he didn’t take his pants off soon the button was just going to fly clear across the apartment anyway. Paul seemed to be on the same page, his mouth back on Zac’s as soon as the door was closed behind them, his hands underneath Zac’s shirt, pushing it up and then off of him and dropping it on the floor. Zac returned the favor, letting out a small groan when Paul pushed him up against the door, his hands moving quickly to Zac’s jeans as soon as their mouths touched again. 

He hadn’t planned to sleep with Paul. It wasn’t even on his list of possibilities when he’d agreed to drinks, but now that they were there in the tiny hallway of the apartment, Paul’s fingers dipping into Zac’s boxers, he suddenly couldn’t fathom the idea of _not_ sleeping with him. 

Zac’s head dropped back against the door as Paul slid to his knees, pulling Zac’s jeans and boxers down as he went. The thought that they should have at least tried to make it to the bedroom flashed through Zac’s mind just as he heard it.

“Oh no,” Piper’s voice, low and shocked.

Zac’s eyes popped open, his head lifted from the door, but the gaze he was met with wasn’t the one he was expecting. 

“Taylor,” he choked out, gently pushing Paul’s head away from him and leaning down to quickly pull his jeans up. “Oh my god.”

“In the hallway, really?” Piper said, but Zac couldn’t take his eyes off of Taylor’s. His arms were crossed across his chest, his eyebrows screwed up, eyes locked just as steadily on Zac’s. 

Zac didn’t even notice Paul collecting his shirt and pulling it on and he barely heard him when he said, “I should probably go.” He barely registered his movements as he stepped away from the door to let Paul out or when he bent to pick up his own shirt and pulled it over his head. 

It took a lot of effort for Zac to form any words, his brain and mouth not connecting at the shock of Taylor standing in front of him. Finally, he closed his eyes and shook his head, opening them again, making sure he wasn’t hallucinating. Taylor was still there, his blue eyes still boring into Zac’s.

“What are you doing here?” Zac asked quietly, taking a step further into the hallway. Taylor looked at him and dropped his arms to his sides.

“I came for you.”

Taylor moved from where he was standing to the door so quickly Zac might have missed it if it weren’t for how hard his shoulder had slammed into Zac’s on his way by. Zac looked behind him at the door as it slammed shut and raised a hand to his face.

“Well,” Piper said, walking to Zac and putting her arm around his shoulder and pulling him into her. “That was awkward.”

 

 

—

 

 

The first flight out of Tulsa to New York left about 12 hours later than Taylor had wanted when he had fled Club Majestic. In his mind, he was going to be able to go home, pack a bag, and go to the airport to find a flight boarding and willing to take him to his brother. In reality, he’d made it home and checked flights only to find out that the soonest he could leave was noon the following day, getting him to New York sometime in the early evening. He wasn’t happy with the idea, but considering he wasn’t some kind of rock star who could charter his own jet or borrow one from a friend, he had no other option than to wait.

It turned out to work in his favor, if he was being honest, because he didn’t really have the funds to drop on a last minute plane ticket halfway across the country, so he had to talk to his parents and get them to buy it for him. Walker was against the idea, thinking he was too fresh out of rehab to be going somewhere on his own like that, but Diana had talked him into the idea, he was going to go visit Zac and Piper after all, it wasn’t like he was going off on his own. The only stipulation was that Taylor had to pay them back for half of the flight, and he readily agreed, though he knew that it would take forever to pay it off.

He barely slept, tossing and turning, waking up every hour or so to look at the clock, dreams about missing his alarm and thus missing his flight haunting him as soon as he was able to doze off. He finally gave up around 7am and got up, taking time to shower and double, then triple check his bag to make sure he had everything he needed to go on a spontaneous trip. He didn’t know what he would find when he got to New York, it had been almost two months since he’d seen Zac, and for all he knew, he had a boyfriend and was living life the way Taylor had wanted him to. He shook the thought out of his head, there was no way that Zac had moved on so quickly – He’d told him he wanted him to, and to be happy, but it was only two months. No one could get over someone they loved in so little time. That kind of relationship had a grieving timeline, and two months was way too short.

Diana drove him to the airport and didn’t try to talk to him, for which he was grateful. He knew his anxiety was coming out of every pore in his body and barely knew how to keep himself in check, holding a conversation with his mother on top of that would just put him over the edge. When she pulled up the passenger drop off area, and got out of the car with him and wrapped her arms around his waist, her small frame clinging to him.

“I love you, Taylor, and I am so proud of you. I don’t know if I’ve told you that lately.” Taylor felt tears sting his eyes as he hugged her back and buried his face in her hair.

“Thank you for helping me so much, mom. Even when I didn’t deserve it.” He paused and let out a laugh as he pulled out of her embrace. “No, especially when I didn’t deserve it.” Diana wiped at her eyes before reaching into her pocket and pulling something out, pressing it into his hand. He looked down and saw a credit card.  
“Get yourself a nice hotel when you’re out there, okay? Have some fun, go out to eat, see a play on Broadway. And take your brother with you. I don’t know what happened when he went to visit you, but I know he’s been devastated without you.” Taylor tried to argue, pushing the card back at her, but she held her hands up and shook her head. “I’m not changing my mind. Go have fun. Let me know when you book a flight back and I’ll pick you up. I love you.” She gave him one more hug before getting in the car and driving off.

\--

The flight seemed to last twelve years, and then it seemed to take another five years for his bag to arrive at baggage claim. By the time he had his bag and was in a cab, he was practically vibrating with anticipation. He wanted to go directly to Piper’s to see Zac, but didn’t want to show up with his bag, so he forced himself to take more time to go find a hotel so he could get settled. The first couple he went to were booked solid, but the third try was the charm and he managed to get a room fairly easy. He took the elevator up to the fourth floor and barely took the time to look inside – He simply threw his bag inside and took off.

Hailing a cab took longer than he thought it would and by the time he was at Piper’s apartment, it was closing in on 10pm. He wanted to kick himself, he had really let the day get away from him, and he felt bad even showing up so late, but he couldn’t leave – He was finally there and he needed to see Zac. He got to the apartment door and pressed the buzzer for the apartment with her name on it.

“Who is it?” Piper’s voice crackled over the speaker and Taylor smiled – They were home, thank god.

“It’s Taylor.” He expected a response, but instead she just buzzed him into the building without another word. The elevator was out of order, so he took the stairs to the fifth floor, feeling slightly out of breath by the time he got there. He expected to have to knock on Piper’s door, but when he turned the corner to her apartment, she was standing in the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest.

“What are you doing here?” Her tone was cold and he knew he deserved it. Zac was her best friend and he’d broken his heart, he would probably have been disappointed if she was nice to him.

“I made a mistake.” He got to the door and tried to catch his breath. “I was stupid and let my fear dictate what to do. I shouldn’t have said any of those things to him, I made the decision for him and didn’t even give him a say.” Piper just looked at him blankly and after a minute, Taylor thought he would be turned away without even getting a foot in the door, but finally she backed out of the doorway and waved him in.  
“He isn’t here right now, he went out with a friend, but he should be back soon. You can wait.”

\--

Taylor expected waiting for Zac to come home would be awkward. He’d never spent much time with Piper, and the last time he had, he’d been high and had tried to have sex with her - The last thing he expected was for her to push him on the couch and bring him tea. He took a small sip and looked over at her, unsure what to say.

“So this is awkward.” Taylor let out an unexpected laugh, putting his cup down on the table in front of the couch.

“Uh, yeah, a little.” He folded his hands into his lap and looked over at Piper, trying to figure out what to say.

“You really fucked him up, ya know. He cried for days after you called him.” Taylor ducked his head down and looked at the floor.

“I know. It wasn’t my proudest moment.” Piper snorted, prompting Taylor to look up at her.

“Uh, yeah, I’ll say.” She took a sip of her tea and seemed to think for a second before speaking again. “He deserves to be loved hard. He loves without regard for anyone or anything else, himself included, and he deserves that in return. If you can’t give that to him, you need to leave before he gets back.”

“I can’t even begin to tell you how much I wish I could go back in time and fix it, Piper, to take it all back, but I can’t, so the only thing I can say is that I do love him, so much, more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life, and I’ll probably spend the rest of my life trying to make this all up to him, to prove to him that I’m never going to break his heart again.”

“Good.” She smiled over at him and put her cup next to his on the coffee table. “And if you ever do hurt him again, I’ll kill you.”

They sat on the couch talking for another couple of hours, Taylor glancing at his phone every 15 or so minutes, wondering when Zac would finally make it home. He was about to call it a night and come back in the morning when he heard the front doorknob jiggle before the door opened and closed. He got up, ready to see Zac, but then he heard voices and noises that made him hesitate. He heard another voice join Zac’s, a male voice, and he felt his blood run cold. Piper pushed past him to the hallway and he followed on her heels, stopping only when he heard her say “Oh no.”

He stepped out from behind Piper and couldn’t believe the sight in front of his eyes. Zac was pushed up against the back of the apartment door, shirt off, pants at his ankles, and a man on his knees in front of him. Bile flooded Taylor’s mouth as Zac realized he was there and pushed the other man away. He stood in shock as the man got up, put his shirt back on, and left. So many emotions swept through Taylor, the most predominant being anger, though rationally, he knew he didn’t even have that right. He told Zac to move on, right? Well… He looked like he was moving on.

“What are you doing here?” Taylor wanted to scream at Zac, to tell him he couldn’t believe him, how could he move on, did what they share really mean nothing? Instead, he just let his arms drop to his side and he looked blankly at his brother.

“I came for you.” His heart was pounding and he felt like he was going to be sick, he needed to get out of there before he made a spectacle of himself. He took off down the hall, misjudging his close he was to Zac until his shoulder slammed into his. He wanted to apologize, wanted to say something, anything, to make the situation better, but he knew nothing would.

\--

The hotel Taylor was staying in had the biggest hot water heater he’d ever met in his life. As soon as he got back to his room, he hopped in the shower and turned it on as hot as he could, desperate to scrub the entire day off of him. He stood under the water for over an hour and it never ran cold, though his fingers got extremely wrinkled and his skin turned beet red. When he finally emerged from the bathroom, it was two in the morning and he felt like he’d been awake for days. The bed was calling his name and he was ready to sink into it, but then someone knocked on his door.

He wanted to hope it was Zac, because who else could it be? He hadn’t ordered room service or had any issues in his room that would warrant a room visit, but he also didn’t want to get his hopes up and then get hurt. He went to the door and looked through the peephole, and even though he had thought it might have been Zac, the sight of his brother standing on the other side of the door made his heart skip a beat. He took a deep breath before opening the door and facing his brother.  
“How did you find my room?” He instantly wanted to smack himself in the face, he _wanted_ Zac to be there, wanted to talk to him, he shouldn’t sound so rude.

“Oh, well, uh. One of the receptionists was bribed with $50. But don’t be mad, I wasn’t sure if you’d pick up your phone if I called, and I had to see you.”

“I’m glad you came.” The hurt he had been feeling wasn’t gone, not by a long shot, but if Zac had come to talk to him, that had to be a good thing, right? He backed up from the door and let his brother in, closing it behind him. He took another deep breath before turning around to find Zac sitting on the bed, legs curled up underneath of him. His heart ached, he wanted to go and wrap his arms around him and kiss him and tell him how much he loved him, what a fool he’d been, but he gave up that right when he had broken it off.

Instead, he sat down on the bed next to him, leaving enough space for another person, and tucked his legs underneath himself as well. He took a minute, waiting to see if Zac wanted to speak first, but when he stayed silent, he decided to speak. “I was such an idiot, Zac. I know I have no right to come here and tell you that, I know I should be living with the consequences of my actions, believe me. You’ve moved on and you have a life here now, and I shouldn’t have expected you to just be waiting around.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.” Zac’s voice came out hard and angry, and Taylor winced, though he knew he deserved it. “You called me up and broke up with me, Taylor, told me I would be better off without you. You didn’t even let me get a word in, to tell you why you were wrong!” Taylor looked down at his hands while he nodded along, unable to disagree with anything Zac was saying as, well, it was the truth.

“I thought we were in a good place, Tay. You were going to rehab to better yourself, to be better for Ezra and for me, and then you decided to break it off? Because it was the best for ME?!” His voice rose and he threw his hands into the air. “You made a decision FOR me, Taylor, because it was easier to do than let me be my own person! Do you know how much that hurt?”

“I thought I was doing the right thing.” Taylor raised his head and looked into Zac’s eyes, a little shocked to see tears forming. “Dr. Hooper had convinced me that our relationship was toxic and destructive, and that I was hurting you by staying with you.”

“Dr. Hooper doesn’t know me, Taylor, and she doesn’t know you, I don’t give a shit what her credentials are! If she truly knew what was best for you, she wouldn’t have forced your hand, she wouldn’t have made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me! Don’t you see that? You stopped communicating with me, and made it out to be like it was for my own good, but it wasn’t.”  
“I know that now.” He whispered, inching closer to Zac. “I know I was so unfair to you, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to apologize enough for that.”

“You really hurt me, Taylor.” The words were so simple, but they cut through him like a burning knife.

“I just want you to be happy.” He paused and reached out, taking one on Zac’s hands in his. “And if being with that guy makes you happy, then that’s all I care about.” Zac let out a snort of laughter, catching Taylor off guard. “I’m being serious, Zac.”

“I know you are, Tay, and that’s why it’s so funny.” Zac covered Taylor’s hand with his own and squeezed it tight. “Paul is a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, but he isn’t you. I’ve been trying to move on, I only went out with him because Piper set us up a few days ago.” He closed the gap between them, pressing his legs against Taylor’s, and leaned in, stopping before their lips touched.

“I don’t love him, though. I love you. You make me happy.” Before Taylor could say another word, Zac leaned in and pressed their lips together, giving him more hope for his future than he’d had in a long time.


	26. Chapter 26

Zac had paced back and forth around the apartment for a little too long after Taylor had slammed the door. Piper was perched on the arm of the couch, one arm crossed over her chest, her other elbow resting on it, her finger tapping at her chin.

“You have to stop that,” she finally said after more minutes than Zac could keep track of.

“What?” He stopped walking and turned to her.

“You’re going to wear a hole in the floor and I’m not sure the landlord would appreciate it,” Piper shrugged. 

“He just showed up here!” Zac threw his hands up in the air. “He broke up with me and then he just shows up and acts surprised when I’m doing what he wanted me to. He wanted me to move on, right? Why else would he break up with me? And then he has the balls to get mad. Typical Tay-”

“Okay, stop,” Piper stood from the arm of the couch and walked to Zac, putting her hands on his arms. “Listen, Taylor got here about an hour after you left. I tried to call you but your phone was going straight to voicemail. We had a bit of time to talk and,” Piper shook her head. “I think the last thing Taylor wants is for you to move on.”

Zac just looked at Piper, his eyes moving slowly between hers. She sighed, pulling him over to the couch and dropping them both to a sitting position. 

“He thought he was…I don’t know, saving you,” she said, squeezing Zac’s arms. “He thought he was doing what was right.”

“By abandoning me?”

“You need to go talk to him,” Piper let go of his arms. “He’s at the Marriott a few blocks over.”

Zac stared at her, not moving. The information she’d just told him was sinking into his brain and he was slowly realizing that everything he thought was wrong. Taylor didn’t want to let him go. He thought he had to. 

“Now, Zac. You should go now,” Piper spoke again and suddenly Zac was nodding quickly, grabbing his jacket and pulling it on. He shoved his wallet in one back pocket, his phone in the other and moved for the door, stopping halfway and walking quickly back to Piper. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly, kissing the side of her head.

“Thank you, Pipes.”

“Of course,” she smiled up at him. “Go get your man.”

—

When Zac had showed up at Taylor’s hotel room door, they’d laid as much of it on the line as they had the energy for. Zac had told Taylor that he loved him, pressing their lips together with the energy of someone who had to do exactly what they were doing or they’d run out of oxygen. Without thinking much about it, they found themselves shedding their clothes, intertwining their bodies in that perfect way that they fit together. Zac had wiped tears from Taylor’s face, swallowed up all the quiet _I’m sorry_ ’s that Taylor whispered into the air. 

When they were finished, they barely separated, their legs tangled together, Zac’s chin on Taylor’s shoulder, his lips pressed lightly against the skin of Taylor’s neck, both of them falling into sleep.

—

Zac quietly let himself out of the hotel room after snatching Taylor’s keycard off the dresser and made his way to the Starbucks in the lobby. He ordered a coffee the way Taylor liked it and a handful of pastries before walking outside and looking around him. He’d only been in New York for a little while, but somehow it had already started feeling like home to him. He realized standing there that he didn’t want to leave, he didn’t want to go back to Oklahoma to a dead end job and his parents basement. The only thing that resided in Oklahoma that Zac really had to go back for was there, in New York now, and he made the decision in that split second that he was going to have to convince him that that’s where they should be. If they wanted to make a decent go at their relationship and move past all of the skeletons of their past they needed to do it somewhere new, and Zac couldn’t think of a better place.

When Zac let himself back into the hotel room Taylor was sitting up at the edge of the bed running his hand through his hair.

“I thought you’d left,” he smiled as Zac walked over and sat down next to him.

“Nope,” Zac smiled, holding the coffee out to him. “Just got you some fuel.”

“Thanks,” Taylor took a long sip of the coffee and then looked at Zac. “I can feel the thoughts vibrating from the inside of your head.”

“Of course you can,” Zac laughed quietly. “I do want to talk to you about something.”

“Okay,” Taylor took another sip out of his cup and nodded. “Shoot.”

“Hear me out,” Zac started slow, preparing a worthy argument in his head. “I like it here,” he motioned towards the hotel room window. “I think a change could do us well and honestly, its been great having Piper back. I didn’t realize how much I missed her. I know you probably won’t be all for it at first, but if you just think about it, maybe this is a good place for us to-”

“You want to move to New York?” Taylor cut in, turning his body towards Zac.

“Yeah,” Zac nodded. “With you. I want _us_ to move here.”

“Okay,” Taylor nodded back, smiling. 

“Okay?” Zac lifted an eyebrow. He’d expected to have to lay out exactly why it was a good idea. He’d been ready for a bit of a fight.

“Yeah,” Taylor nodded again. “Wherever you want to be, that’s where I want to be.”

\--

New York was nothing like Taylor expected it to be. He thought he was going to be overwhelmed in the big city, unable to breathe, but instead, it felt like a fresh start. He felt like he was able to leave his old life behind and just start new, with Zac, and live the life he’d always wanted to live. When Zac suggested they move there together, Taylor didn’t even have to take a second to think about his decision – He was all in, whatever Zac wanted to do, he would be there every step of the way. He’d already been an idiot and almost lost him once, there was no way he was going to do it again. 

The afternoon of the day Zac suggested they move to New York together was spent wandering around the city, trying to figure out the area that they wanted to live in. Manhattan was out of the question, it was too expensive, and Queens, while in their price range (if they got jobs) was just a little too… Rough for their taste. Bushwick drew them both in, but even when looking at the cheapest apartments, they knew they were going to be hard pressed to be able to get someone to let them rent a place. 

Once they got back to the hotel, they got comfortable on the bed and started talking about the possibilities for moving to New York. “Maybe mom and dad will co-sign on a lease with us?” Zac sounded hopeful, and Taylor didn’t blame him – Their parents had always seemed to do right by them, and it was entirely possible they would be willing to do that for their sons. 

“I guess we should probably call them then, huh? We need to tell them that we’re moving anyway.” He paused, suddenly remembering Natalie and Ezra, still living in their parent’s house. “Shit! Nat and Ez, what the hell are we going to tell them! They just moved to Tulsa a few months ago, I can’t just leave them there.” 

“Well…” Zac trailed off, biting his lower lip. “You could ask them to move with us. We can get a place together? Or in the same building, I don’t know. But they don’t have to stay in Tulsa.” 

“Ezra just had his entire life uprooted not too long ago, how would it be fair to ask Natalie to do that again? She just got into the groove of things with her new job, god, I feel terrible even thinking about doing it.” Zac reached out and placed a hand on Taylor’s arm, giving it a squeeze. 

“You’ll never know her reaction until you ask. She just wants what’s best for Ezra, and for you. Her and I… We talked a lot while you were in rehab, and I really think that she would move if you asked her to.” Taylor closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening his eyes again to meet Zac’s gaze. 

“I should call her. And we need to call mom and dad, too.” 

“Umm, my suggestion would be calling Natalie first. I have a feeling mom and dad already think I’m staying in New York, so it might be better if you talk to Natalie and make sure she wants to come out here.” Taylor nodded and pulled his cell phone out of his back pocket.

“Will you stay with me while I talk to her?” Zac nodded and leaned into Taylor’s shoulder. 

“Of course.” Taylor found Natalie’s number in his phone book and hit call, half hoping that she wouldn’t answer and he could put off the conversation they were about to have. 

“Hey Tay! How’s New York?!” Natalie’s voice came through the other end of the line loud and enthusiastic and he couldn’t help but smile. 

“It’s pretty great, actually. I’m in my hotel room right now, Zac is here.” 

“Oh, tell him I say hi!” Zac laughed. 

“Hi Nat!” He called into the speaker. 

“So what do I owe this pleasure?” Taylor could hear the smile in her voice and felt so grateful to have her in his life. 

“Uh well, okay, so…” He trailed off, trying to figure out how to phrase what he wanted to say. 

“You want to move to New York, don’t you?” His jaw dropped, how could she have guessed?! 

"Uh, well, yeah. I mean, yes, definitely. Zac and I have been talking, and well, we need a fresh start. And he loves it here, and I just…” He bit his lower lip, already judging himself for how cheesy he was going to sound. “I want to be wherever he is.” Natalie laughed a little, but not in a mean way. 

“I could have told you that you weren’t coming back before you even left, but I’m glad you figured it out for yourself. You deserve to be happy!” A smile took over Taylor’s face as he absorbed her words. He really was a lucky guy to have someone so understanding as the mother of his child. 

“Okay, well, that’s only part of it. Zac and I, we were wondering if maybe you and Ezra might want to move here, too? I’m sure my parents wouldn’t mind you living with them if you don’t want to move out here though.” Taylor held his breath, scared to hear her answer. 

“Oh wow, that’s kind of a big step, isn’t it? And we just moved out here, and Ezra has started school…” She trailed off and Taylor felt his heart crack, he felt like the biggest asshole. “But you know what? It’s fine. I can get a job anywhere, and it’s best for Ezra to be around his father and his favorite uncle. So why not? Life is supposed to be all about adventure, right?” Taylor froze, not saying anything for a full ten seconds before bursting into laughter. 

“You mean it? You’ll really move out here?!” Natalie laughed and he could picture the smile on her face perfectly. 

“Yeah I mean it. It’ll be fun. I’ve always wanted to go to New York, why not move there?” 

“You’re amazing, you know that?” She laughed. 

“Don’t let Zac hear you say that, he’ll get jealous!” Zac laughed and leaned into the phone.

“Step off of my man, Natalie!” Taylor rolled his eyes and elbowed Zac lightly in the stomach. 

“You guys are the worst influence on each other.” 

“Nah, you love us both and you know it.” She giggled and let out a happy sigh. “This’ll be great, Tay, I’m really excited for this.” 

“Yeah, me too, Nat, me too.” 

\--

The call to Walker and Diana waited until the next day. Taylor rode the high of such a successful talk with Natalie and didn’t want anything to bring him down. He didn’t think his parents would be mad or anything, but honestly, he wasn’t 100% sure that they would be supportive of such a drastic move, especially when he was only sober for a few months.   
Zac dialed the home number on his cell phone and put it on speaker. Taylor held his breath as the phone rang and he crossed his fingers, hoping they wouldn’t answer and the call would be put off for another day. 

“Hello?” Diana’s voice rang through and Taylor let out the breath, cursing silently. 

“Hey mom, it’s me and Tay!” Zac sounded genuinely enthusiastic to be talking to their mom and Taylor hoped it would turn things in their favor once they told her they were moving. 

“Oh my boys, it’s so great to hear your voice! Taylor, I miss you, how are you doing?” He couldn’t help but let a smile take over his face, his mother just had that effect on him. 

“I’m alright, doing much better now that Zac and I have made up.” 

“I’m so glad to hear that, I was so worried about the two of you. You’d spent too many years apart, you didn’t need to spend any more time apart.” Taylor looked over at Zac and saw his own feelings of regret and sadness reflected in his brother’s face. 

“Yeah, we’re good right now. We talked about everything, and we’re in a really good place.” Zac spoke for them as Taylor lay his head on his shoulder, happy to let him. “That’s actually kind of why we called. We have something to tell you.” 

“Oh do you now? Whatever could that be?” A hint of amusement sounded in Diana’s voice that sounded something similar to Natalie’s voice when she had guessed that Taylor was moving to New York, but he didn’t say anything. 

“Uh, well, Tay and I, we’re moving to New York.” 

“Well of course you are, dears. I knew that as soon as Taylor took off out the door to go see you. I knew I’d never get you boys back from the big city.” 

“How did everyone know this but us?!” Taylor blurted out. 

“Taylor, dear, you’re so transparent, you wear your feelings on your sleeve, and I knew Zac was enjoying New York, and if you were going to be mending your relationship with your brother, you would be doing it right there with him.” Zac snorted under his breath and Taylor elbowed him hard in the stomach. There was no way that was the time to laugh about something their mother really didn’t need to know! 

“Well that’s great to hear.” He grumbled under his breath. 

“Don’t pout, Taylor, it’s perfectly fine! Your father and I already came to terms with it. We’re going to miss you, of course, but you and Zac need to do what’s best for the two of you. We will always support you in that, I hope you both know that.” Taylor had to swallow a couple of times to get rid of the lump in his throat. After everything that he’d put their parents through, they were still willing to love and support him unconditionally. 

“We actually have something else we need to talk to you about, too, ma.” Zac’s voice came out as hesitant as Taylor knew he was feeling and he was sure their mom heard it too. “You see, we can’t really get an apartment on our own out here. We’re gonna get jobs, of course, but our credit is, well, non-existent, and we were wondering if you and dad would be willing to co-sign on a lease for us.” Diana went silent on the other side of the phone and Taylor could feel his stomach tie up in knots. If their parents didn’t co-sign with them, there was no way they’d be able to move. 

“I’ll need to speak with your father about this, but I think it’s about time I told you about the trust your grandmother set up for the both of you, well, all three of you kids, before she passed.” Taylor looked over at Zac with a shocked expression on his face and Zac looked exactly the same way back at him. “We never told you about them because they were supposed to be set aside for buying your first home taking care of your children, but I think that this counts as something your grandmother would want you to use the money for.”  
“Wait, are you serious right now?” Zac’s voice came out sharp, much sharper than Taylor was sure he intended it to, and Taylor hurried to speak after him. 

“I think what Zac means is, why didn’t we ever know about these trusts before?” Diana sighed and he could picture her shaking her head on the other end of the phone.

“We didn’t want you to go buying a house for the heck of it, or doing something reckless with the money. Maybe we were too overprotective, but we wanted to make sure you were ready for the responsibility before giving it to you.” A small wave of shame flooded over Taylor because, well, he definitely wouldn’t have been ready for the responsibility just a year before. All of the money would have gone toward pills and booze, so really, he couldn’t blame them. 

“So are you saying that we would have enough money to buy an apartment, not just rent one?” 

“Yes, Zac, that’s exactly what I’m saying. You’ll still need to pay for utilities and upkeep, owning a home is a very large responsibility, but I’m not going to sit here and lecture you on the finer points of doing so right now.” 

“Wow.” Taylor didn’t know what else to say. Finding out that they had enough money to buy their own place when they’d been worrying about even being able to afford to rent one was overwhelming, but not in a bad way. 

“I’ll talk to your father and we’ll get the trusts signed over to you here in the next week or so.” She stopped and seemed to think for a minute before speaking again. “What are you going to do about Natalie and Ezra, Taylor?” 

“Oh, well, um, don’t be mad, but I called her this morning and told her we were planning on moving out here, and…” He paused, biting his bottom lip. “I asked her to move here with us.”   
“Ah, well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. She wants what’s best for Ezra, and what’s best for you as well, so of course she would go wherever you’ll be.” 

“Thank you for everything mom. I love you, you know that right?” Taylor’s voice broke a little on the last word and he blinked rapidly a few times to keep the tears in his eyes from falling. 

“Of course I know that, sweetheart, but it’s so good to hear it, too. Now go ahead and start looking for a place, I know you and Zac are probably dying to head out. I love you both, please be safe. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Love you too, mom.” Their voices echoed in unison as the phone disconnected. Zac dropped the phone on the bed in front of him and turned his body to look at Taylor. 

“Holy shit!” He launched himself at Taylor and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, this is incredible!” He laughed and wrapped his arms around Zac’s waist, pulling him close. 

“It really is, I feel like I’m in shock right now!” Zac pulled back and looked into Taylor’s eyes for a second before leaning in and placing his lips onto his in a firm kiss. 

“I love you so much.” He whispered against his lips as he pulled back just slightly enough to speak. 

“I love you, too. Forever and always.”


	27. Chapter 27

Zac had paced back and forth around the apartment for a little too long after Taylor had slammed the door. Piper was perched on the arm of the couch, one arm crossed over her chest, her other elbow resting on it, her finger tapping at her chin.

“You have to stop that,” she finally said after more minutes than Zac could keep track of.

“What?” He stopped walking and turned to her.

“You’re going to wear a hole in the floor and I’m not sure the landlord would appreciate it,” Piper shrugged. 

“He just showed up here!” Zac threw his hands up in the air. “He broke up with me and then he just shows up and acts surprised when I’m doing what he wanted me to. He wanted me to move on, right? Why else would he break up with me? And then he has the balls to get mad. Typical Tay-”

“Okay, stop,” Piper stood from the arm of the couch and walked to Zac, putting her hands on his arms. “Listen, Taylor got here about an hour after you left. I tried to call you but your phone was going straight to voicemail. We had a bit of time to talk and,” Piper shook her head. “I think the last thing Taylor wants is for you to move on.”

Zac just looked at Piper, his eyes moving slowly between hers. She sighed, pulling him over to the couch and dropping them both to a sitting position. 

“He thought he was…I don’t know, saving you,” she said, squeezing Zac’s arms. “He thought he was doing what was right.”

“By abandoning me?”

“You need to go talk to him,” Piper let go of his arms. “He’s at the Marriott a few blocks over.”

Zac stared at her, not moving. The information she’d just told him was sinking into his brain and he was slowly realizing that everything he thought was wrong. Taylor didn’t want to let him go. He thought he had to. 

“Now, Zac. You should go now,” Piper spoke again and suddenly Zac was nodding quickly, grabbing his jacket and pulling it on. He shoved his wallet in one back pocket, his phone in the other and moved for the door, stopping halfway and walking quickly back to Piper. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly, kissing the side of her head.

“Thank you, Pipes.”

“Of course,” she smiled up at him. “Go get your man.”

 

—

 

When Zac had showed up at Taylor’s hotel room door, they’d laid as much of it on the line as they had the energy for. Zac had told Taylor that he loved him, pressing their lips together with the energy of someone who had to do exactly what they were doing or they’d run out of oxygen. Without thinking much about it, they found themselves shedding their clothes, intertwining their bodies in that perfect way that they fit together. Zac had wiped tears from Taylor’s face, swallowed up all the quiet _I’m sorry_ ’s that Taylor whispered into the air. 

When they were finished, they barely separated, their legs tangled together, Zac’s chin on Taylor’s shoulder, his lips pressed lightly against the skin of Taylor’s neck, both of them falling into sleep.

 

—

 

Zac quietly let himself out of the hotel room after snatching Taylor’s keycard off the dresser and made his way to the Starbucks in the lobby. He ordered a coffee the way Taylor liked it and a handful of pastries before walking outside and looking around him. He’d only been in New York for a little while, but somehow it had already started feeling like home to him. He realized standing there that he didn’t want to leave, he didn’t want to go back to Oklahoma to a dead end job and his parents basement. The only thing that resided in Oklahoma that Zac really had to go back for was there, in New York now, and he made the decision in that split second that he was going to have to convince him that that’s where they should be. If they wanted to make a decent go at their relationship and move past all of the skeletons of their past they needed to do it somewhere new, and Zac couldn’t think of a better place.

When Zac let himself back into the hotel room Taylor was sitting up at the edge of the bed running his hand through his hair.

“I thought you’d left,” he smiled as Zac walked over and sat down next to him.

“Nope,” Zac smiled, holding the coffee out to him. “Just got you some fuel.”

“Thanks,” Taylor took a long sip of the coffee and then looked at Zac. “I can feel the thoughts vibrating from the inside of your head.”

“Of course you can,” Zac laughed quietly. “I do want to talk to you about something.”

“Okay,” Taylor took another sip out of his cup and nodded. “Shoot.”

“Hear me out,” Zac started slow, preparing a worthy argument in his head. “I like it here,” he motioned towards the hotel room window. “I think a change could do us well and honestly, its been great having Piper back. I didn’t realize how much I missed her. I know you probably won’t be all for it at first, but if you just think about it, maybe this is a good place for us to-”

“You want to move to New York?” Taylor cut in, turning his body towards Zac.

“Yeah,” Zac nodded. “With you. I want _us_ to move here.”

“Okay,” Taylor nodded back, smiling. 

“Okay?” Zac lifted an eyebrow. He’d expected to have to lay out exactly why it was a good idea. He’d been ready for a bit of a fight.

“Yeah,” Taylor nodded again. “Wherever you want to be, that’s where I want to be.”

 

\--

 

New York was nothing like Taylor expected it to be. He thought he was going to be overwhelmed in the big city, unable to breathe, but instead, it felt like a fresh start. He felt like he was able to leave his old life behind and just start new, with Zac, and live the life he’d always wanted to live. When Zac suggested they move there together, Taylor didn’t even have to take a second to think about his decision – He was all in, whatever Zac wanted to do, he would be there every step of the way. He’d already been an idiot and almost lost him once, there was no way he was going to do it again. 

The afternoon of the day Zac suggested they move to New York together was spent wandering around the city, trying to figure out the area that they wanted to live in. Manhattan was out of the question, it was too expensive, and Queens, while in their price range (if they got jobs) was just a little too… Rough for their taste. Bushwick drew them both in, but even when looking at the cheapest apartments, they knew they were going to be hard pressed to be able to get someone to let them rent a place. 

Once they got back to the hotel, they got comfortable on the bed and started talking about the possibilities for moving to New York. “Maybe mom and dad will co-sign on a lease with us?” Zac sounded hopeful, and Taylor didn’t blame him – Their parents had always seemed to do right by them, and it was entirely possible they would be willing to do that for their sons. 

“I guess we should probably call them then, huh? We need to tell them that we’re moving anyway.” He paused, suddenly remembering Natalie and Ezra, still living in their parent’s house. “Shit! Nat and Ez, what the hell are we going to tell them! They just moved to Tulsa a few months ago, I can’t just leave them there.” 

“Well…” Zac trailed off, biting his lower lip. “You could ask them to move with us. We can get a place together? Or in the same building, I don’t know. But they don’t have to stay in Tulsa.” 

“Ezra just had his entire life uprooted not too long ago, how would it be fair to ask Natalie to do that again? She just got into the groove of things with her new job, god, I feel terrible even thinking about doing it.” Zac reached out and placed a hand on Taylor’s arm, giving it a squeeze. 

“You’ll never know her reaction until you ask. She just wants what’s best for Ezra, and for you. Her and I… We talked a lot while you were in rehab, and I really think that she would move if you asked her to.” Taylor closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening his eyes again to meet Zac’s gaze. 

“I should call her. And we need to call mom and dad, too.” 

“Umm, my suggestion would be calling Natalie first. I have a feeling mom and dad already think I’m staying in New York, so it might be better if you talk to Natalie and make sure she wants to come out here.” Taylor nodded and pulled his cell phone out of his back pocket.

“Will you stay with me while I talk to her?” Zac nodded and leaned into Taylor’s shoulder. 

“Of course.” Taylor found Natalie’s number in his phone book and hit call, half hoping that she wouldn’t answer and he could put off the conversation they were about to have. 

“Hey Tay! How’s New York?!” Natalie’s voice came through the other end of the line loud and enthusiastic and he couldn’t help but smile. 

“It’s pretty great, actually. I’m in my hotel room right now, Zac is here.” 

“Oh, tell him I say hi!” Zac laughed. 

“Hi Nat!” He called into the speaker. 

“So what do I owe this pleasure?” Taylor could hear the smile in her voice and felt so grateful to have her in his life. 

“Uh well, okay, so…” He trailed off, trying to figure out how to phrase what he wanted to say. 

“You want to move to New York, don’t you?” His jaw dropped, how could she have guessed?! 

"Uh, well, yeah. I mean, yes, definitely. Zac and I have been talking, and well, we need a fresh start. And he loves it here, and I just…” He bit his lower lip, already judging himself for how cheesy he was going to sound. “I want to be wherever he is.” Natalie laughed a little, but not in a mean way. 

“I could have told you that you weren’t coming back before you even left, but I’m glad you figured it out for yourself. You deserve to be happy!” A smile took over Taylor’s face as he absorbed her words. He really was a lucky guy to have someone so understanding as the mother of his child. 

“Okay, well, that’s only part of it. Zac and I, we were wondering if maybe you and Ezra might want to move here, too? I’m sure my parents wouldn’t mind you living with them if you don’t want to move out here though.” Taylor held his breath, scared to hear her answer. 

“Oh wow, that’s kind of a big step, isn’t it? And we just moved out here, and Ezra has started school…” She trailed off and Taylor felt his heart crack, he felt like the biggest asshole. “But you know what? It’s fine. I can get a job anywhere, and it’s best for Ezra to be around his father and his favorite uncle. So why not? Life is supposed to be all about adventure, right?” Taylor froze, not saying anything for a full ten seconds before bursting into laughter. 

“You mean it? You’ll really move out here?!” Natalie laughed and he could picture the smile on her face perfectly. 

“Yeah I mean it. It’ll be fun. I’ve always wanted to go to New York, why not move there?” 

“You’re amazing, you know that?” She laughed. 

“Don’t let Zac hear you say that, he’ll get jealous!” Zac laughed and leaned into the phone.

“Step off of my man, Natalie!” Taylor rolled his eyes and elbowed Zac lightly in the stomach. 

“You guys are the worst influence on each other.” 

“Nah, you love us both and you know it.” She giggled and let out a happy sigh. “This’ll be great, Tay, I’m really excited for this.” 

“Yeah, me too, Nat, me too.” 

\--

The call to Walker and Diana waited until the next day. Taylor rode the high of such a successful talk with Natalie and didn’t want anything to bring him down. He didn’t think his parents would be mad or anything, but honestly, he wasn’t 100% sure that they would be supportive of such a drastic move, especially when he was only sober for a few months.   
Zac dialed the home number on his cell phone and put it on speaker. Taylor held his breath as the phone rang and he crossed his fingers, hoping they wouldn’t answer and the call would be put off for another day. 

“Hello?” Diana’s voice rang through and Taylor let out the breath, cursing silently. 

“Hey mom, it’s me and Tay!” Zac sounded genuinely enthusiastic to be talking to their mom and Taylor hoped it would turn things in their favor once they told her they were moving. 

“Oh my boys, it’s so great to hear your voice! Taylor, I miss you, how are you doing?” He couldn’t help but let a smile take over his face, his mother just had that effect on him. 

“I’m alright, doing much better now that Zac and I have made up.” 

“I’m so glad to hear that, I was so worried about the two of you. You’d spent too many years apart, you didn’t need to spend any more time apart.” Taylor looked over at Zac and saw his own feelings of regret and sadness reflected in his brother’s face. 

“Yeah, we’re good right now. We talked about everything, and we’re in a really good place.” Zac spoke for them as Taylor lay his head on his shoulder, happy to let him. “That’s actually kind of why we called. We have something to tell you.” 

“Oh do you now? Whatever could that be?” A hint of amusement sounded in Diana’s voice that sounded something similar to Natalie’s voice when she had guessed that Taylor was moving to New York, but he didn’t say anything. 

“Uh, well, Tay and I, we’re moving to New York.” 

“Well of course you are, dears. I knew that as soon as Taylor took off out the door to go see you. I knew I’d never get you boys back from the big city.” 

“How did everyone know this but us?!” Taylor blurted out. 

“Taylor, dear, you’re so transparent, you wear your feelings on your sleeve, and I knew Zac was enjoying New York, and if you were going to be mending your relationship with your brother, you would be doing it right there with him.” Zac snorted under his breath and Taylor elbowed him hard in the stomach. There was no way that was the time to laugh about something their mother really didn’t need to know! 

“Well that’s great to hear.” He grumbled under his breath. 

“Don’t pout, Taylor, it’s perfectly fine! Your father and I already came to terms with it. We’re going to miss you, of course, but you and Zac need to do what’s best for the two of you. We will always support you in that, I hope you both know that.” Taylor had to swallow a couple of times to get rid of the lump in his throat. After everything that he’d put their parents through, they were still willing to love and support him unconditionally. 

“We actually have something else we need to talk to you about, too, ma.” Zac’s voice came out as hesitant as Taylor knew he was feeling and he was sure their mom heard it too. “You see, we can’t really get an apartment on our own out here. We’re gonna get jobs, of course, but our credit is, well, non-existent, and we were wondering if you and dad would be willing to co-sign on a lease for us.” Diana went silent on the other side of the phone and Taylor could feel his stomach tie up in knots. If their parents didn’t co-sign with them, there was no way they’d be able to move. 

“I’ll need to speak with your father about this, but I think it’s about time I told you about the trust your grandmother set up for the both of you, well, all three of you kids, before she passed.” Taylor looked over at Zac with a shocked expression on his face and Zac looked exactly the same way back at him. “We never told you about them because they were supposed to be set aside for buying your first home taking care of your children, but I think that this counts as something your grandmother would want you to use the money for.”  
“Wait, are you serious right now?” Zac’s voice came out sharp, much sharper than Taylor was sure he intended it to, and Taylor hurried to speak after him. 

“I think what Zac means is, why didn’t we ever know about these trusts before?” Diana sighed and he could picture her shaking her head on the other end of the phone.

“We didn’t want you to go buying a house for the heck of it, or doing something reckless with the money. Maybe we were too overprotective, but we wanted to make sure you were ready for the responsibility before giving it to you.” A small wave of shame flooded over Taylor because, well, he definitely wouldn’t have been ready for the responsibility just a year before. All of the money would have gone toward pills and booze, so really, he couldn’t blame them. 

“So are you saying that we would have enough money to buy an apartment, not just rent one?” 

“Yes, Zac, that’s exactly what I’m saying. You’ll still need to pay for utilities and upkeep, owning a home is a very large responsibility, but I’m not going to sit here and lecture you on the finer points of doing so right now.” 

“Wow.” Taylor didn’t know what else to say. Finding out that they had enough money to buy their own place when they’d been worrying about even being able to afford to rent one was overwhelming, but not in a bad way. 

“I’ll talk to your father and we’ll get the trusts signed over to you here in the next week or so.” She stopped and seemed to think for a minute before speaking again. “What are you going to do about Natalie and Ezra, Taylor?” 

“Oh, well, um, don’t be mad, but I called her this morning and told her we were planning on moving out here, and…” He paused, biting his bottom lip. “I asked her to move here with us.”   
“Ah, well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. She wants what’s best for Ezra, and what’s best for you as well, so of course she would go wherever you’ll be.” 

“Thank you for everything mom. I love you, you know that right?” Taylor’s voice broke a little on the last word and he blinked rapidly a few times to keep the tears in his eyes from falling. 

“Of course I know that, sweetheart, but it’s so good to hear it, too. Now go ahead and start looking for a place, I know you and Zac are probably dying to head out. I love you both, please be safe. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Love you too, mom.” Their voices echoed in unison as the phone disconnected. Zac dropped the phone on the bed in front of him and turned his body to look at Taylor. 

“Holy shit!” He launched himself at Taylor and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, this is incredible!” He laughed and wrapped his arms around Zac’s waist, pulling him close. 

“It really is, I feel like I’m in shock right now!” Zac pulled back and looked into Taylor’s eyes for a second before leaning in and placing his lips onto his in a firm kiss. 

“I love you so much.” He whispered against his lips as he pulled back just slightly enough to speak. 

“I love you, too. Forever and always.”


	28. Chapter 28

**One Month Later**

Zac couldn’t believe how easy it had been for everything to fall into place once he and Taylor decided that they were going to stay in New York. Two days after they’d made the decision they’d gotten word that the apartment across the hall from Piper’s had been vacated and before Zac and Taylor had even made it home from the Starbucks where Taylor was refueling, Piper had talked to the landlord and secured the apartment for them.

Less than a week later they’d both secured jobs, Zac at the museum Piper worked at and Taylor at a nice restaurant down the block. It had been a long time since Zac felt secure and even proud of the life he was living, but now, there in New York, finally putting his degree to good use, making a life with the person he loved, he finally did. He was positive that short of a nuclear holocaust, there was nothing that could happen to bring him down.

“I’m nervous,” Taylor announced, breezing into the apartment with an armful of throw pillows. “Tell me that I don’t need to be nervous. I’m _so_ fucking nervous.”

Zac watched as Taylor dropped the mountain of throw pillows on their new couch, and shook his head.

“Did you rob a pillow factory on the way home?”

“I read in a magazine that throw pillows bring the living room together, I just figured-” Taylor shook his head, swatting his hand between them. “Who cares about the pillows? I feel like I’m in fifth grade and it’s the night before middle school starts and I can’t sleep because I know that I’m going to be the only loser in school with no friends and bad hair and-”

“What?” Zac laughed. “What are you talking about?”

“Ezra,” Taylor sighed, dropping down onto the couch and leaning back into the new throw pillows. “They’re coming tomorrow. What if he hates it here? What if he hates me? What if everything was for nothing and it’s all ruined?”

“Tay,” Zac sighed, walking across the room and sitting down next to him. “That’s not going to happen. He misses you so much, he’s so excited to come live here with us. Everything is going to be perfect, I promise.”

Taylor sighed again, leaning into Zac.

“I know. I’m just…I’m at an eleven and I need to bring it down. I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I think I need to find a Narcotics Anonymous around here, just to make sure…you know, to keep my head straight when I get like this.”

“I think that’s a great idea,” Zac put his arm around Taylor, pressing his lips to his temple. 

“Yeah,” Taylor nodded. “Yeah. I’m going to do it first thing Monday. It would be so easy for me to just go out and use right now. My brain keeps telling me that it’ll make me feel better, to just do it, and it would be so easy to just give in.”

“You’re strong, Tay, you can get through it, and I do think meetings will help. I’ll even go with you, if you want me to. In the meantime,” Zac grinned, shifting and pulling Taylor into him. “I think you just need a distraction.”

“Oh yeah?” Taylor smiled, dropping his head back when Zac’s mouth landed on his neck. “You have any ideas?”

“One or two,” Zac’s hands moved to the buttons on Taylor’s shirt, popping them open one by one.

“Wanna share?” 

“How do you feel about christening the new couch?” 

Taylor laughed quietly, moving his body over Zac’s and pushing him gently down on the couch.

“I feel great about it.”

 

—

 

Zac watched Taylor pace back and forth across the living room. Every so many minutes he’d stop, turn to Zac and open his mouth to say something, then shake his head and resume his pacing. 

After over a half an hour of this, Zac finally got up from the couch and put his hands on Taylor’s shoulders, forcibly moving him towards it and pushing him down so he was sitting.

“You need to relax.”

“Easy for you to say.”

“It’s going to be fine. They’re going to love it here, how could they not?” Zac sat down next to Taylor and shook his head. “You’re worrying over nothing.”

“They only lived with me for a little while before I went away, what if we all realize that we don’t work together? What if in a few weeks Natalie decides that this isn’t the life she wants for Ez and she takes him away? Would you even blame her, I mean, look at-”

A knock at the door made Taylor’s head spin around. He sat staring at the little hallway that lead to the door, unmoving. 

“I got it,” Zac finally said softly, squeezing his knee before getting up and walking to the door. 

“Uncle Zac!” Ezra was in his arms before he even had the door fully open. “I missed you! Can we play Mario Cart? Mommy isn’t any good at it.”

“Hi buddy,” Zac laughed. “Of course we can, but maybe a little later. I think we should get you settled in first. I think theres someone in the living room waiting to see you.”

Zac placed Ezra down, him and Natalie both laughing quietly at the shriek of ‘Daddy!’ that followed.

“Hey you,” Natalie smiled, pulling a large suitcase into the room and wrapping her arms around Zac. “We really have missed you.”

“You have no idea,” Zac breathed, squeezing Natalie tightly. “He’s been a nervous wreck.”

They walked into the living room to see Taylor and Ezra gone. Zac lead Natalie to Ezra’s room, both of them stopping in the doorway and smiling when they saw Taylor crouched down, Ezra sitting on his knee.

“We painted it special just for you. Blue, your favorite color.”

“Will you take me to see Times Square, Daddy? I saw all the big lights on the TV and I really want to see it.”

“Of course,” Taylor placed Ezra on the ground and stood up. “I’ll take you anywhere you want.”

Zac looked over at Natalie and saw that her smile was just as big as his and he put his arm around her, pulling her into his side.

“Not very conventional,” he whispered. “But I think we’re going to be a great little family.”

 

—

 

Zac and Taylor collapsed into bed, one of Taylor’s legs thrown over one of Zac’s. It had been an exhausting evening traipsing all over New York City. Zac wasn’t sure who was more excited to see all of the things they had seen on TV, Ezra or Natalie, all he knew was that something so simple as walking around the city had made them both so happy that it was hard not to be infected with their joy, even when Zac was sure if he didn’t sit down soon his legs were going to fall right off. 

“Still worried they’re gonna hate it here?” Zac turned his head towards Taylor, laughing when Taylor nudged him with his shoulder.

“Shut up.”

“Remember when we were young?” Zac asked quietly. “And something big or bad would happen and we would cling to each other? It was always you that got me through all of those things. When mom and dad would fight and it would scare me, or I’d get into a fight with one of my friends, you were always there for me. We went through a…I guess rough patch doesn’t do it any justice, but, you’re still that person for me. We may be older and in a relationship that literally no one would ever understand…we might be more jaded and a lot less innocent, but there is literally no one else I’d rather be any of those things with.”

“Are you getting sappy on me?” Taylor grinned.

“Shut up,” Zac groaned, rolling over so his body was covering Taylor’s. “I take it all back.”

“No you don’t,” Taylor laughed, bringing a hand up to Zac’s neck. “And ditto.”

 

—

 

New York was everything Taylor ever dreamed of and then some. His serving job, while tough at times, was actually a lot of fun, and it made him feel like he was actually doing something worthwhile with his life. No, maybe he wasn’t curing cancer, but he was making money and earning a living on his own and providing for his family, and that was something he truly never thought he would ever do. Just a year ago, he never even thought he would make it past his next birthday, he really thought he would end up dead from an overdose, but now, he was able to look at his life and feel so proud of what he was doing. 

Living with Zac, Natalie, and Ezra had some growing pains, of course. He’d shared a space with Zac for a few months before they were separated, but it was still hard to get used to sharing the same room and closet with someone, especially after being apart for so long. Natalie was somewhat of a clean freak and had higher standards of living that Zac and Taylor combined, so there was a lot of getting used to where that was concerned as well. They had had fights about dishes being left in the sink, the toilet seat being left up, and towels being left on the bathroom floor moe than once before they finally hit a good rhythm of cohabiting together peacefully. Even on the worst days, though, Taylor wouldn’t give it up for anything. 

There were still days where he craved pills, some days so badly that he wanted to cry from the ache. He had mentioned to Zac when they first moved there finding a Narcotics Anonymous group to go to, and he had - He went at least once a week, though there were times he went multiple times a day when things got really bad. His sponsor, Nicholas, was sober for over 10 years and was quickly someone he counted on in his times of need. He was always available to go to meetings, take phone calls, or just hang out and shoot the shit when he didn’t want to be alone. He counted himself extremely lucky to be where he was, and finally valued the life he was living. 

He and Zac rarely had nights alone together, what with Taylor being a server and making the most money during dinner shifts, and with Natalie and Ezra always being around, so it was a surprise when he came home from his lunch shift one day to see Zac in the kitchen, cooking, and no one else around like usual. 

“Hey, you.” He walked up to Zac and wrapped his arms around his waist, giving him a kiss on the neck. 

“You smell like your work.” Zac screwed his face up and laughed, turning his head to give Taylor a quick kiss on the lips. 

“Gee, I wonder why.” He rolled his eyes and laughed. “Whatcha cooking?”

“Spaghetti and meatballs. Ya know, my specialty.” Taylor laughed and shook his head. 

“You mean the only thing you know how to cook.” Zac turned around in Taylor’s arms and stuck his tongue out at him.   
“If you’re going to be mean about it, you just won’t get any!” 

“Who said I was being mean?! It’s just the truth!” Before Zac could reply, Taylor gave him another kiss on the lips before backing away and making his way to the fridge, pulling out a can of Dr. Pepper. “So, what’s prompted this?” 

“Nat and Ez are gone for the night.” Zac turned back to the stove and started stirring the sauce again. “She’s staying over with someone from work, Ezra and her son get along really well and wanted to have a sleepover, and Natalie saw it as an opportunity to give us some alone time.”

“Well that was awfully nice of her.” He popped the tab on the soda and took a long sip before putting it down on the counter. “She’s definitely the best wingwoman I know.” Zac threw his head back and laughed. 

“Yeah, she really is.” Taylor walked back over to Zac and slid his arms back around his waist, pulling him close. 

“How long til food is ready?” He whispered, his breath hot in Zac’s ear. Zac shivered and pressed back against Taylor’s body, causing his cock to twitch. 

“Half an hour maybe?” Zac’s voice trembled as he answered and Taylor knew he already had an idea for what he was suggesting. 

“Perfect.” He pressed his lips to Zac’s neck and sucked lightly, enjoying the moan that fell out of his brother’s mouth as he did so. Zac pressed his ass against Taylor’s groin and he felt himself harden against the contact. It had been too long since they’d been able to be together, just the two of them, property teasing without worrying about being interrupted. 

Zac spun around and attached his lips to Taylor’s, pushing his tongue eagerly into his mouth, groaning as he pressed himself against Taylor as much as he could. Taylor slid his hands down to Zac’s ass and squeezed it hard, enjoying the feeling beneath his hands. 

“Fuck, Tay.” Zac practically growled and thrust his hips into Taylor’s, causing him to moan right along with him. Taylor brought his hands to the front of Zac’s pants and quickly undid the button and zipped, slipping them down as quickly as he could. He palmed Zac’s hard dick through his boxers and groaned. 

“God, it’s been so long.” He gave Zac another kiss before dropping to his knees a little too hard, he would definitely be bruised later. He nuzzled his face against the outline of his cock before mouthing at it, enjoying the sounds his teasing pulled out of his brother. 

“Stop playing around!” Zac begged, threading his hands into Taylor’s hair and pulling lightly. Taylor grinned, wanting to torture him some more, but he couldn’t stand it himself, so instead, he just slid Zac’s boxers down his thighs and took the head of his cock in his mouth, sucking lightly as he swirled his tongue around the head. Zac moaned and pulled on Taylor’s hair as Taylor sunk his mouth lower onto his shaft, taking as much as he could in at once. 

After a few minutes, Taylor felt a sharp tug on his hair and pulled off of Zac’s dick to look up at him. 

“I’m gonna come if you don’t stop.” 

“That’s kind of the point.” Taylor smiled but got to his feet and kissed Zac passionately and a little sloppily, before reaching down to undo his own pants. 

“Nat will never forgive us if we have sex in this kitchen.” Zac said breathlessly as Taylor moved him to the counter, bending him over so that his ass was sticking out. 

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” He grumbled as he pushed his jeans and boxers down and stroked his own cock a few times. He positioned himself and pushed into Zac, groaning loud enough that he feared the neighbors would hear as he sank in. Zac moaned as his head fell forward against the counter as Taylor bottomed out. He stayed still for a moment, giving the other man a chance to get used to the feeling before Zac pushed back against him, urging him to move. 

Taylor pulled his hips back and snapped back into Zac, trying to take his time so that he could enjoy the feeling, but then Zac kept urging him to go harder and harder and finally he just let loose, slamming into his brother time and time again. He felt a coiling in his stomach and reached around and grabbed Zac’s cock, pumping it as he came. Zac came a few short tugs later with a loud moan and Taylor collapsed against his back, trying to catch his breath. They stayed like that for a minute before the smell of something burning brought them to their senses. 

“SHIT! THE SAUCE!” Taylor jumped back, wincing as he slid out of Zac, and Zac rushed to the stove, turning off the burner and moving the pot of sauce to a cold burner. He stirred it and took a taste, frowning a little bit. 

“It tastes burnt.” He stuck his bottom lip out in a huge pout and Taylor couldn’t help but walk to him and kiss him. 

“It’s worth it.”


	29. Epilogue

_1996_

__

_Thunderstorms had always scared Zac. Thunderstorms where there was a huge crack and then the sky lit up and then all of the lights in the house went out did a little bit more than scare him._

_Living in Oklahoma and being terrified of thunderstorms wasn’t ideal, but thankfully Zac had a secret weapon that he could use any time he got too scared, and luckily for him it was always just a handful of feet across the room whenever he needed it._

_“Move over,” he whispered, standing beside Taylor’s bed._

_“Zac,” Taylor groaned. “You’re getting too old to be this afraid of a little thunder.”_

_“Can’t help it,” Zac grumbled, shoving Taylor over and climbing into his bed. He nudged him some more to make a little bit more room for himself and then fully settled down, each of them on their backs staring up at the dark ceiling._

_“It’s just a storm. The lights will come back on in the morning.”_

_“That’s so far away.”_

_“If you just went to sleep it would come in no time.”_

_“I’m gonna sleep here,” Zac said, shutting his eyes._

_“Alright, but this is the last time,” Taylor tried to make his voice sound stern, but Zac knew he was lying. There was one thing in the world that Zac was positive of, and it was that whenever he needed him, no matter what or when, Taylor would always be there for him._

_“Okay, Tay,” Zac yawned, rolling onto his side so he was facing his brother._

_Another burst of thunder and lightning hit, making Zac jump. Taylor rolled his eyes, but snaked an arm underneath his brothers body and pulled him to his side._

_“It’s alright, Zac,” he whispered. “I’m right here.”_

_“Tay?” Zac whispered._

_“Yeah?”_

_“You know how when brothers grow up, they move away from each other? Sometimes they don’t even hang out or talk that much anymore?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Can we never do that? Even when we’re older, can we always live together and be best friends?”_

_“Sure, Zac,” Taylor yawned. “But, what about when we get married?”_

_“Married?” Zac made a disgusted sound and nuzzled his face into Taylor’s side. “Who wants to do that?”_

_Taylor laughed and shook his head, turning onto his side so he was facing Zac._

_“You’ll always be my best friend, Zac, and I’ll always be yours. Even when were old and,” Taylor mocked Zac’s disgusted sound. “Even if we get married.”_

_“Promise?” Zac looked at Taylor and raised an eyebrow._

_“Promise,” Taylor nodded._

_Zac studied him for a few seconds and then nodded, closing his eyes._

_“Love you, Tay.”_

_“Love you, too, Zac.”_


End file.
